My H, the WS, and I will be moving soon (same town). I mentioned that I would like to redecorate our bedroom and make it OUR room. While he says (and I believe him) that being there does not conjure up images of being with OW for him, it does for me. (I work in a nearby town and most of their "trysts" were at our house on their lunch hour--she was a co-worker. By the way, this is her last week at that job!) Our bedroom was probably the only room in our house that I finally had fixed like I wanted it, but now just thinking of HER on THOSE sheets makes me want to puke!<P>He honestly sees no need to buy new stuff (he resigned his job as part-time minister, so $$, or lack of it, is going to be a problem). Am I being ridiculous, thinking about things like that?

I don't think this is trivial at all. I wanted to get rid of the gift that the OW sent to us as a "Thank you for letting me stay with you." (I tend to think of it as a "Thank you for letting me come to your house and display my feeling physically for your husband.") I was just ready to beat it with a sledgehammer. Unfortunately, I am to practiacl for that and it is a practical gift. So I actually used it on Friday night. Ugh, I hate myself sometimes.<P>As for the bedroom. I am ready to throw out all my childhood furniture that she touched while she was here. She slept in my childhood bed even. I don't know what I would have do if I found out they did anything in our bedroom. H was considerate enough of my feelings to not do anything in the house. Isn't that sweet.<P>You H should be considerate enough to allow you redecorate the bedroom. At the very least, chunk the bed and sleep on a mattress on the floor until you can afford something else. It doesn't matter if it hold memories for him or not. It hold memories for you and that should be enough for him. Try to point out your view and avoid LBs. It will be difficult. You may try to say, "I really want to move past this affair, but it is very difficult for me when I look at this room and see visual pictures of the two of you in our bed. Our physical marriage bed has been violated and I just can't sleep in it without remembering what was. I really hope that you would consider my feelings in this and we can negotiate a solution that is satisfactory for both of us."<P>List everything possible you can do to the room to help take away those images. I tell you what. I'll send you my furniture that our OW slept in and you can send me yours. That way neither of us will be out any furniture! <P>Good luck. I hope you two can find something that will work.

It's not trivial at all! If OW had ever even entered my house I don't think I could live here any longer. Thank God that never happened. Trust me, she would have loved letting me know about that lol! I've mentioned how happy I was when H got rid of his car, simply because she rode in it. He had a sweater that I know she bought him. He claimed to have bought if for himself. The guy HATES to shop, told me he bought it at Target and it was a brand that is only carried by another major store. It was quite ugly and he only wore it like twice. I couldn't even stand looking at it when I put away clothes in the closet so one day I just pitched it in the trash. If he noticed he never said a word. The bedroom stuff would HAVE to go! Yuck! Maybe you can sell it to offset the cost of buying new.

Thanks for your input, friends! My practical side agrees with H, but my emotional side wants to get rid of everything associated with OW. <P>I did take a hammer to a ring that she gave him to thank him for "counseling" her with her marital problems. She also gave him a really pretty tie on another occasion. He told me about both of the gifts when he received them--of course, I had no idea at the time how far their "counseling" had gone. He wore the tie once, but he threw it away with the smashed ring the day after he told me. (It was a really pretty tie! I almost bought him another one like it, but I thought that kind of defeats the purpose of getting rid of the original one.)<P>She and her soon-to-be-ex-H had their vehicle repossessed, and she was driving my H's pickup until she could find something else. All of this was fine with me, too, since I was a blind idiot. Our oldest daughter even began wondering if she thought he had given it to her as a gift, after she had it for several weeks! Am I stupid or what? I guess we could sell the pickup, too!

Isn't that the worst--to be a blind idiot and have the A going on with your "sanction". I was worried one night when she was staying with us and he came in at 4:00 am. That is what really started me worrying. Of course, turns out that is when they first started holding hands and kissing.<P>I was so blind that I said, sure, if she needs a place to stay for a week, she can stay with us. Idiot, idiot, idiot. Worst thing is when I started getting concerned, I outlined exactly how an A could start with her to my H. I got the "you don't trust me" line. But, ask me if I was right. Completely. One hundred percent. I think everything I told him could happen did. Idiot, idiot, idiot. I knew it. I never should have left them alone together. Even if it meant losing my job.

You can do wonders with paint and its CHEAP <P>How about painting the walls and the furniture. Then get new bedding(sheets,comfortor etc),if you cant afford it,look at garage sales <P>Good luck!

Dear Erika,<P>"just thinking of HER on THOSE sheets makes me want to puke!"<P>I don't want to get too graphic, but can't help it. There are traces of their passion, and actions on the fibers of the sheets, in the bed covering, even in the mattress. In your marriage bed. It would go out on the curb if I were you. You can get a cheap air mattress from the local Target camping department, one cheap set of sheets, until you can budget for a real marriage bed.<P>The marriage bed has been profaned and contaminated. <P>We haven't had to deal with a PA, but I have also looked around our bedroom and thought about the bad feng shui, after I read a book about it. There are lots of bad things in our room, from mirrors ("a mirror invites a third party into the relationship") to art with water in it. I've thought of these things out of desperation, because if there is any litte thing to slow down the decomposition process of our marriage, I want to try it.<P>The OW has given my H gifts through the years, and I always enjoyed them vicariously (ties, sweatshirt, t-shirts) because they pleased him. He wears a watch she gave him last X-mas. To me this means he is reminded of her as he checks to see time passing when he can't be with her. Remember the song that was popular about 14 years ago, the words in part were: "Time on my hands could be time spent with you". <P>I hate that he enjoys gifts she has given him. The gifts I gave him are somehow never as practical, as thoughtful, as use-able, as hers are. I hate that I didn't think to give them to him first! She seems to know him better than I do. Contributes to my feeling like the third wheel on a scooter.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess