My husband moved back home June 24th, after living with OW for one month shy of a year.<P>I have heard all of the perfect words of regret, how he's going to make it all up to me and the kids, etc. He has been pretty much perfect when he is at home and calls me a suffucent amount of time through out the day.<P>BUT I did not let mt guard down......<P>His cell phone bill came today. And I am hurt, furious, and done being lied to.<P>He called her on her cell phone 38 time in 17 days. There is a day when he called her 12 times!!!!! She has called him a mere 19 times in the same time frame. <P>All totalled they have spoken to each other for 11 hours and 45 minutes between June 28th and July 14th.<P>He swore to me contact was over, at least any initiated by him. She was out of town for a period of time. But she is back now. He said only to get her stuff together to make the final move to another state.<P>Right now I don't believe ANYTHING he has told me. Not his reasons for returning is love for me, that he is back for good, NOTHING.<P>So here is what I need to know....<P>I know it will be a LB to confront him about this but how can I not? If it was a call or two or she was doing the majority of the contacting I probably could but 38 calls in less than 3 weeks. One day they talked for TWO and a half hours!!!! I just don't know if I can bite the bullet on this one. <P>How will he stop this if he feels he is getting away with it? How can I act like everything is hunky dory when I have this eating away at me? If he can't give her up 100% then he can't have me. PERIOD.<P>I have gone through hell, as most of you have. But I deserve more than this. I can't let this go on, but don't want to push him away!!!!!<P>What should I do??? Confront or not? And if I do confront him with this I would do it the nicest and most caring way. I know I can do this without getting crazed or angry.<P>And I am suppossed to go to a meeting tonight. I canceled the meeting, but H doens't know this. I think I'll go park my car in a stratigic place and see if he makes a stop to see OW thinking he won't get caught.<P>If he does go to see her, the phone won't be an issue. Cause I'll be too busy changing the locks on the house and putting his belongings on the front lawn to confront him.<P>Help before he is do home, around 8:30pm will be appreciated!!!!!!<P><BR>Fingers Crossed<P><BR>

Fingers Crossed,<P>While it may be better not to say anything. if you are even one bit like me that will not be possible. When I try to keep quiet about things they just fester until it explodes and is 100 times worse than it would have been,<P>Make a copy of the bill. Tell him how you feel, tell him this frightens you ! Tell him you have to have honesty now 100 % total honesty, nothing less will do.<P>Too many hearts are at stake here for this to go unanswered. <P>{{{{{{{ fingers crossed }}}}}}

I would probably do the same thing you suggested. For peace of mind. If you confront him now he may just say they just talked and that he didn't see her. Which may be the case. For me I would do just what you said. If he stays at home go in and confront the nicest way you know how. Or just ask him. Give him a chance to come clean.<P>For me LB or not I want the truth and I want no contact. If there is contact that is worse than LB in my book. There are ways to do it without the finger pointing and yelling matches. However you say you don't want to push him away. What about you being pushed away? Do what will make you feel better. But just take it slow. I'm crossing my fingers. Good Luck Fingers Crossed. Stay collected. It's your best defense. Keep us posted. LSM

Fingers crossed,<P>Smart girl.<BR>("BUT I did not let my guard down......")<P>I admire how you calculated the amount of time he spent talking to her. I wasn't that smart. <P>"Right now I don't believe ANYTHING he has told me. Not his reasons for returning is love for me, that he is back for good, NOTHING." <P>No kidding. I would be suspicious too. Honey, read MENTAL'S posts. Her ex came home, "reconciled", cleaned out all the valuables and the papers and records, and left. Watch your back, move out anything you don't want your H to have, and DON'T CONFRONT tonight. If he asks what's wrong, tell him you think it's a sinus headache, flu, PMS, anything but the truth, and ask him to take care of things in the house so you can have a hot bath and relax. <P>You need time to assess things, move assets, papers, jewelry, evidence. Make a copy of the phone bill and put it away. Move safe deposit key, deed to the house, bank records and cards, etc. Don't confront just yet. Be Smarter still than what you were today.<P>Hugs, take care Cyberfriend. You can bite your tongue. Be smart.<BR> <BR>I think something's going on. You may have let the enemy into your camp by taking him back. Careful, careful.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited July 24, 2000).]

Fingers Crossed,<P>I think Bellevue is reading way too much into this. Your H would have had plenty of chance to clean you out during all the months/years he was visiting your kids in your home. <P>I realize that this is not at all the same, but after my H left, he was willing to talk to me (from work), sometimes for a very long time - and it was probably just because he felt guilty. It didn't mean that he was planning to come back. Maybe your H is talking to her out of guilt, not that that is a good excuse.

FC:<BR>*sigh*. My heart hurts for you. I can well imagine just how pissed you are....how DARE he say that he loves you and will make it up to you and then turn around and call her 38 flippin' times.....<P>I have two little thoughts. First one is, if he lived with the skank for that long of a period, then he must have had feelings of some sort for her. Feelings are sometimes difficult to get rid of. We can tell ourselves that we will feel this way or that way: i.e. "I will not love him anymore, because he cheated on me", but the heart is difficult to control. Sounds like he has some residual feelings left for her. Perhaps they are only in his mind, and not in his heart, but men sometimes have a hard time telling the difference.<P>Secondly, I have discovered that if you want someone to be honest with you, they need to feel safe about it. If they think that they will be "punished" (read: screamed at, belittled, kicked out of the house, etc. etc.) for being truthful, they won't be. I myself am not very good about this particular type of behaviour: my h had a 6 month MLC affair (never lived with her, though), dropped her completely when I found out, tried to work on "our" marriage, but after 6 months he couldn't get her out of his head, and so he called her. And called her some more. 6 more months worth of calls behind my back, of course she called him too--at first once or twice a week, then near the end, on a daily basis. But he did finally come clean about it. And of course, I screamed......<P>But. He said that he would have told me much earlier if he hadn't been afraid that I would kick him out. He said that when he realized that he still might have feelings for her, if he had been able to talk to me about it, he probably wouldn't have called her. He would have told me if he had felt safe.<P>Of course, all of the above is based on my personal experience, and might be totally off base concerning your h. But then again, most men are pretty simple creatures.....<P>Try to do it the calm way first. No manipulation (I should talk....). There will always be a time and a place for screaming later----at least that's what you can pacify yourself with.....<P>Good luck, and hearts ease....<P>Merlyn<P>P.S. Don't you wish that they would make sodium penathol in a tablet form that WS would have to take every day, just like a vitamin? Damn, it would make life a lot easier......

***OOOOps***<p>[This message has been edited by Merlyn (edited July 24, 2000).]

Damn it, FC! I'm so sorry this is happening, Hon. I'm in recovery but still looking for signs all the time. I anticipate that this might be what I find one day. <P>You say you can pull it off and act normal? I don't know how but kudos to you!<P>I would do what Bellvue suggests--take precautions. On d-day I kicked out my H and then went red eyed and stuffy nosed straight to the bank and took his name off of my account (he has his own seperate "fun" account, I pay all the bills and mortgage, dining out, entertainment, groceries, etc.) and we have a combined savings account which I took out 50% and opened up my own seperate account with that. I figured I'd move out and might need to put a down payment on a condo. <P>I've never put our monies back together or put his name back on our checking account. I still pay all the bills but I'm keeping my safety reserve in place. It hurts him but he knows why. We've both seen couples wipe eachother out this way. It happens.<P>God Bless you FC. Ideally we're supposed to plan A and then when we can't take it anymore (because of continued contact), go into plan B. You do what you feel you have to but that's just a reminder. I'd get your finances and things squared away, then confront him honestly with what you've found out without LB's. The [censored]! {{{{hugs}}}} to you, Hon.

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!<P>Here is the plan.<P>He called at 8:05 said he is on his way home.<P>If he isn't here by 8:45 I go and lay in wait.<P>I will not yell, scream, etc. It isn't my style anyway.<P>We will see what happens.<P>If he comes right home I will address the cell bill. <P>If he doesn't then we'll have bigger fish to fry.<P>I will remain calm. I have never given him any reason not be afraid to tell me anything. Again it isn't my style to rave out at anyone.<P>I liked Deb's words of frightened and I will use them.<P>To the person who thinks he might be looking to clean out the house..... I doubt that, but I will keep it in the back of my mind.<P>Wish me luck I will post the outcome asap!<P>FC<P>

I have to ask, whoever said confrontation was love busting?????? I see this all the time, and I wonder. The way I read it is you need information from him and you need to work through this openly and honestly. <BR>As someone else already said, as long as your not threatning him with a butcher knife, being kicked out, or screaming obscenities at him your not lb-ing him by simply asking him.<BR>You do have the right to ask these questions about the bill. You don't know if she wasn't begging him to come back and using something to gain his attention. You don't know if they were just ending this at a slow death like pace, or if he was thinking about getting back with her. For all you know he could have been bragging to her at how well the two of you are doing......whatever the reason, you should hear it out before getting angry and jumping up and down.<BR>Talk to him, openly say "Hon, I read your bill today because I felt the need to be assured that your truly with me and I found all this out, could you please give me an explanation?" and then go from there. Don't not say anything, you will burn up with it, but don't blow up either, give both of you a chance to work things out! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

FC,<P>I guess I'm seeing this thread a bit late, but I completely agree with Chick's. Asking is not an lb, it's the emotional outbursts.<P>Please keep us posted. I hope there is some good explanation...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{fingers crossed}}}}}}}}}}}}

Good Lord FC, is your H home yet? What a hurtful discovery, I'm so sorry, Hon.<P>I have been there ... with the incredibly ridiculous amount of cell calls and their associated time spent talking. I was sooooo disturbed when I discovered it. $203.00 worth for a month.<P>Question: Doesn't he know you're going to see the bill. I mean is he trying to leave clues so you'll discover and help him thru withdrawal? Maybe he's testing you too? ... to see if you'll LB and fly off the handle or even kick him out.<P>Time to think ... I say bring it up and tell him you're frightened like Deb said and also tell him you and he should talk about it but not right now. It's still too fresh and you may feel anger and your words may reflect that. You agree.<P>Please let us know what happens FC, we'll be here.<P>God Bless, I'm saying prayers for you.<P>Jo<P>

I read the update so I know how this turned out - but I wanted to bring this to the top and point out Merlyn's post: Feeling safe!<P>Merlyn, you have the "Rule of Protection" illustrated in your post. If we punish when someone is truthful, of course they will lie or hide the truth in some other fashion. But if we make the marriage a "safe" haven for each other, truth will come much more easily for both. Great post - great advice!<P>And FC, I'll try to post to your other thread, but want to say congratulations on the way you handled this. You are my hero, and maybe some day I will be able to make you my mentor... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...