I am 26, and my boyfriend is 30. We have been together for a little over 18 months-We both have college degrees and good jobs. I love this man very, very much. He says that I am The One, that he wants to marry me. That's good, because I want to marry him. Right now, we are sort of in an engagement standoff. He gets wishy-washy on time frames. He's told me that he wants to wait until we've been together a full two years before we get engaged-which would be around Thanksgiving. But, then he will get nervous and say he doesn't know when he wants to get engaged, that even though he does want to marry me, he's not ready for that yet. Whenever we discuss this, especially lately, he's given me every reason to believe that he is not going to propose this year. I have not asked that he propose any sooner,but just to stick to the time frame he has set. However, he has told me in the past that he promises to do it this year. We do not live together-I live by myself, and he still lives at home with his parents. He's an only child. I have laid the law down, and told me that if he does not propose by November, then the relationship is not going to last. We have a vacation planned at that time, and he's told me that he was planning to do it then, but now he's not sure. I've told him that if he's not going to do it then, not to even bother with this trip because I would rather go alone or with a girlfriend than go with him and be disappointed. Was I wrong to make that demand, or was he wrong in promising me something that he wasn't ready for? And is he too old to be living at home? Part of me thinks that if he moves out and lives on his own for a year, then he will be able to prove to himself that we can do this. Just for the record-he has bought me a "promise" ring,and reassures me that he's serious about me, but ....am I wrong to make demands? And if I don't follow through with those demands, will he ever be motivated? Any advice or comments would be very helpful. Thanks

If you were my daughter this is what I would tell you.<P>Do not verbalize your time frame out loud,just keep a mental note in your head.You do not want your proposal to be the result of pressure from you. You will always wonder about his sincerity and he will resent it, if it comes down to that. Keep in mind, 2 years is not really very long to get to know the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Why the hurry,if I may ask? There is nothing to gain by making him feel pressured in making the biggest decision of his lifetime.If you feel impatient,I'd suggest you both date others and see if your relationship with him holds true.Also,we do not make ourselves any more attractive to our partners by appearing demanding. A little mystery and distance is intriguing and attractive.<P>In my opinion it would be wise for your boyfriend to live on his own before you marry for a multitude of reasons.The primary reason being,one cannot as easily appreciate all another does for them if they have not had to do it all themselves.I also suggest spending the time and money for premarital counseling. There are some very important things we often fail to discuss before marriage. A counselor is trained to bring all those issues into the forefront so they can be dealt with before they come up as a source of stress in the marriage.I will give both of my children the gift of paying for premarital counseling. I believe it can solve many problems before they ever get a chance to arise. Marriage is hard enough as it is.Good luck to you!This is a great place to come for relationship information and insight.

Thank you for the much needed advice. This is the first time I have been to the site, so I'm not sure what to expect. There is no "big hurry", except that I am ready to settle down and for the next part of my life to begin. When I met my boyfriend, I was engaged and living with another guy. That relationship did not work out for a variety of reasons. Alot of my girlfriends that I have grown up with are either engaged or married. I have lived by myself for almost 2 years, so I know that I can do it. Now I am ready to live with them. I will not live with anyone without being married to them, and he feels the same way. I really feel that he needs to get his own place to prove to himself that he can do it, fincially and emotionally, but I think that he is a little too attached to his parents. He's told me that he feels guility for leaving, and it's going to really hurt his mother when he moves out. He won't even stay the whole night with me-not even on weekends, when we don't have to work the next day because he's so afraid of what his parents think!! I mean, come on, he's 30!!!! I've told him that surely his parents don't expect for him to live at home forever, and his parents do have each other. I am all alone. Lately, I've been trying to pull back a little because like you said, mystery and distance are very attractive. I've read that when you give a guy a timeline or "else", it can work two ways. He can either realize what he's about to lose, and get his butt in gear, or completely walk. He's also told me that he feels finicially responisble to provide for me,but the funny thing is, I make more than he does. And we make plenty combined to pay our bills, and that's starting out!!! I really have no desire for kids, and he doesn't either, and I certainly don't plan to give up my career once we get married. I've been surviving on a lot less than what I'm making now, and I've been doing just fine. But his mother does not work, and his father is very successful, so maybe he feels a little of that? But every time we discuss this,it's either a parental thing( he's afraid to leave) or a finicial thing (he thinks he doesn't make enough). Right now I just feel like I'm stuck in a relationship that is going nowhere. I want to purchase a small home or condo, and when I talk about doing this, he's response is don't buy anything, you'll just have to move out of it when we get married. But I feel like that day is never going to come!! Should I carry on with my life plan's and stop waiting for him? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mthrrhbard:<BR><B>If you were my daughter this is what I would tell you.<P>Do not verbalize your time frame out loud,just keep a mental note in your head.You do not want your proposal to be the result of pressure from you. You will always wonder about his sincerity and he will resent it, if it comes down to that. Keep in mind, 2 years is not really very long to get to know the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Why the hurry,if I may ask? There is nothing to gain by making him feel pressured in making the biggest decision of his lifetime.If you feel impatient,I'd suggest you both date others and see if your relationship with him holds true.Also,we do not make ourselves any more attractive to our partners by appearing demanding. A little mystery and distance is intriguing and attractive.<P>In my opinion it would be wise for your boyfriend to live on his own before you marry for a multitude of reasons.The primary reason being,one cannot as easily appreciate all another does for them if they have not had to do it all themselves.I also suggest spending the time and money for premarital counseling. There are some very important things we often fail to discuss before marriage. A counselor is trained to bring all those issues into the forefront so they can be dealt with before they come up as a source of stress in the marriage.I will give both of my children the gift of paying for premarital counseling. I believe it can solve many problems before they ever get a chance to arise. Marriage is hard enough as it is.Good luck to you!This is a great place to come for relationship information and insight.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

TigerLilie,<P>I am a guy and an older guy at that. You could easily be my daughter, so let me offer you a few insights.<P>First, getting married isn't something to do when you are "ready". It is a lifetime commitment, you know that . But please reread your posts here. Do they sound needy to you? <P>Your BF may be wondering is she in love with me or is she inlove with the idea of getting married? There are clearly issues in your relationship: 1. His family 2. His expectation of what an H will be 3. Your expectation of marriage 4. Your need to be married.<P>Please consider these things carefully. If you don't care for his family, then this isn't the right man for you. His family will always be in his life one way or another. <BR>From what you have said, he expects to be a husband just as his father was/is. Not surprising, his father is his role model. He expects to be the bread winner in the family is my guess. You may change your mind about children you know.<P>What are your expectations for marriage? This is a very complex question. One of the major reasons for the institution of marriage is to have children. It is not required and your and your BF are certainly entitled to determine that, but think carefully about this. You sound as if you think it is a "neat" idea and something you want to do, just like a trip around the world. Marriage is much more than that. It is so very hard to explain the complexity of it. <P>And if you read here much you will realize it is work or at least attention to the details of life.<P>Finally, you don't need to be married. Married is a state you should want to be in after you meet the right person. Not the state you expect and then go and try to find the right person.<P>You have been given good advice about not pressuring your BF. I would further add, that men take the commitment to marriage very seriously. In someways more than women, because of the burden of it and to some extent the cost (I don't mean money). <P>I would recommend you read a very short and light book called "Men made easy" by Ho. In it she details her view of men based on surveys. I tend to agree with it. You will be surprised and you may gain insight into your BF. It will probably take you an hour to two hours to read it.<P>My final and really only piece of advice to you is: Don't rush. Don't rush yourself and definetly don't rush your BF. He is thirty and you are only 26. At the current life expectancy, you can reasonably expect your marriage to last 60 years. Think about that.<P>I'm not that old (but getting there ) and I have been married 24 years.<P>So please don't rush. You have a long time ahead of you, enjoy.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: In the area I live in many couples decide to have children in their 40's. Earlier, career goals dominated. Then they hit their 40's and the reality of how far their career is going hits them and family becomes important. I went on a Boy Scout outing last year and the average of the fathers was 56 and most were on 1st marriages. What this means is that you and your BF view of children may change. He knows that, and you should expect that. So don't rush OK.

I'm not that much older than you, but have a completely different perspective that I think comes from having been married and having lived through a lot of relationship difficulties.<P>First, what's the rush? 18 months may seem like a long time to you now. It may seem like you should both know what you want by now. It may seem like it's time to commit or move on, but I can tell you, in the scheme of a lifetime, it's not that long. If he needs more time, there is a reason for it. Give him the time. If you push, you both may regret it.<P>Pre-marital counseling is a great idea! Maybe you can save yourself some wedding blues by finding out what the problems are and developing some problem solving skills before you are committed.<P>I think this guy needs to get out on his own for a while too, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. It sounds like he has an unhealthy attachment to his family. Do you want to drag this into your new life together? Pre-marital counseling can bring out a whole lot of stuff.<P>It doesn't sound like you are communicating very well. It sounds like you are brushing off whatever he says because it doesn't sound logical to you. Slow down and ask him to explain it to you in a way that you can understand. Then try to make him understand your way of seeing it. It seems like you are talking in circles to one another and nobody is communicating with anybody. Counseling can help here too. <P>Just because YOU feel you have enough money doesn't mean that HE does. Just because you are comfortable, doesn't mean that he doesn't feel responsible for you. Don't take his feelings away from him. Don't belittle them because they don't hold the same importance for you.<P>Give it some time. You have the rest of your lives to figure things out. If you can get through this together, you will learn a lot about each other that will only enhance your relationship later. If you blow this off and make demands based solely on what you want, you may get him in the short run, but you will have missed the opportunity to avoid a lot of future misunderstandings.

Hi TigerLilie,<BR> I know all to well about having a "timeline" for how my life would play out.In my plan I would get my degree and establish my career,be married and have all my kids before I was 30.I was convinced at that time that my plan was right for me.However right it may have been for me,when another individual is required to make that plan work,the plan goes out the window and rightfully so.I think the plan for my education and career was a wonderful one,the marriage and kid part should have been left out for there is truly no "planning" in finding the right lifemate.It is not wise to find someone that will fit into our agenda for our lives at the moment,especially when we are talking about a lifemate.<P>Your BF is more concerned with pleasing his mother than he is with pleasing you.Quite unusual for a man 30 years of age.Frankly,this is a HUGE red flag of many problems to come.If he cannot bear to risk disapppointing them now,it WILL NOT change once he marries you. Do you like his mother? Does she like and approve of you? If you two(you and BF's mom) do not feel warm fuzzies for each other and BF refuses to assert himself for the well being of your relationship,I would move away a bit from this relationship and start to explore other options.This man and his continuing inappropriate relationship with his mom is a hotbed of potential problems that could kill a marriage,especially if you don't plan on repeatedly deferring to his mother's wishes and feelings. You should require that this man live on his own before you agree to marry him.That is the only way you will truly see how deep his attatchment to his mother goes. Good luck hon,come back and talk to us some more!

JL,<BR>Thanks for responding. Right now I am waiting on a computer. Meanwhile I have to use the one at parents' house, and sometimes it's hard to get over there, so that's why it's taken me so long.<BR>My first question is why does everyone think marriage is so hard? I've lived on my own for two years now and I think that is so much harder than living with someone else. And I did that too, right out of college. And the 4 year relationship ended 6 months after we moved in together. I have given alot of thought to the question is it him that I want or just a ring and wedding because all my childhood friends are getting married? And the same answer that I always come back to is this: I think about all the fun times we have together,he is truly my best friend, I am closer to him than anyone else, and how I could not imagine going through life without him. And I don't really want a big fancy wedding at all-in fact, when we talk about the future, it's always about life after the wedding, and not the wedding itself. I know alot of girls my age get caught up in rings, flowers, gowns and cakes, but I wouldn't care if we went to the city hall!! I just want to be with him-in a more complete way. The other thing is his attachment to his family. I guess maybe in my posts I sounded like I didn't like his family,but I did not for mean for it to come out that way. I really get along well his parents and they like me just as much as I like them. They have made me feel very welcome in their home, and my BF (let's call him Jack) and I eat dinner with them 3-4 times a week. I just feel that at 30, the longer he stays, the harder it's going to be for him to leave. In fact, we just had a discussion a few minutes ago about who is going to take care of his parents when he moves out and how his parents will feel betrayed and might disown him...and I know and I think that Jack knows that is not reality-his parents want him to be happy, but that is how he feels. And I've told him recently that he needs to either move out or propse before his next birthday because I feel he is too old to be living at home and he needs to make some sort of gesture towards starting his own life. And you know what, he agreed and said he understood. And so now the engagement has been moved to the spring. Now he swears up and down and sideways that he will make a move by spring time, but the problem is now, I don't believe him. Am I wrong to feel this distrust and this disappointment? He's 30, and I don't want to miss out on the next 10 years of life just because "now isn't a good time" and that's what he keeps telling me.<BR>I guess in some ways I sound a little needy or the idea is more appealing than marriage itself, but I really want to start to make a life with him-but I don't know many other women that would date someone 30 and living at home. Do you?<P><BR>QUOTE]Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>TigerLilie,<P>I am a guy and an older guy at that. You could easily be my daughter, so let me offer you a few insights.<P>First, getting married isn't something to do when you are "ready". It is a lifetime commitment, you know that . But please reread your posts here. Do they sound needy to you? <P>Your BF may be wondering is she in love with me or is she inlove with the idea of getting married? There are clearly issues in your relationship: 1. His family 2. His expectation of what an H will be 3. Your expectation of marriage 4. Your need to be married.<P>Please consider these things carefully. If you don't care for his family, then this isn't the right man for you. His family will always be in his life one way or another. <BR>From what you have said, he expects to be a husband just as his father was/is. Not surprising, his father is his role model. He expects to be the bread winner in the family is my guess. You may change your mind about children you know.<P>What are your expectations for marriage? This is a very complex question. One of the major reasons for the institution of marriage is to have children. It is not required and your and your BF are certainly entitled to determine that, but think carefully about this. You sound as if you think it is a "neat" idea and something you want to do, just like a trip around the world. Marriage is much more than that. It is so very hard to explain the complexity of it. <P>And if you read here much you will realize it is work or at least attention to the details of life.<P>Finally, you don't need to be married. Married is a state you should want to be in after you meet the right person. Not the state you expect and then go and try to find the right person.<P>You have been given good advice about not pressuring your BF. I would further add, that men take the commitment to marriage very seriously. In someways more than women, because of the burden of it and to some extent the cost (I don't mean money). <P>I would recommend you read a very short and light book called "Men made easy" by Ho. In it she details her view of men based on surveys. I tend to agree with it. You will be surprised and you may gain insight into your BF. It will probably take you an hour to two hours to read it.<P>My final and really only piece of advice to you is: Don't rush. Don't rush yourself and definetly don't rush your BF. He is thirty and you are only 26. At the current life expectancy, you can reasonably expect your marriage to last 60 years. Think about that.<P>I'm not that old (but getting there ) and I have been married 24 years.<P>So please don't rush. You have a long time ahead of you, enjoy.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: In the area I live in many couples decide to have children in their 40's. Earlier, career goals dominated. Then they hit their 40's and the reality of how far their career is going hits them and family becomes important. I went on a Boy Scout outing last year and the average of the fathers was 56 and most were on 1st marriages. What this means is that you and your BF view of children may change. He knows that, and you should expect that. So don't rush OK.</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

Popeye:<BR>Thanks for your reply. As you may see in the other posts, I am waiting on a home computer and have to visit my parents' to use theirs, and sometimes it's hard to get over there, so that's why I'm slow.<BR>I don't feel that I am rushing, but just moving on his timeline. I feel that the longer he stays at home, the harder it will be for him to move out in the long run. He is the one who set that deadline, not me. I would like to take the first step in planning for our lives together, and that's what engagement is for. Recently, we've had this discussion and now he wants to wait until spring to propose. Here's the problem:what happens when springtime comes and he's not ready because there is another issue that comes up? I recently read that controversial book "The Rules" by Sherri Schneider and Ellen Fine. And although it sounds like a lot of game playing, they make some good points. One of the things that they say is that don't let a man put off an engagement because of money, finciances, jobs, etc. They say that there will always be those issues in life, and I tend to agree. My first job out of college was horrible, I made no money, and the company ended up going out of business, and I was out of a job. But I still had my little apartment and bills to pay,and I managed to scrape up enough temp jobs and help from my parents to hold it together. So, there will always be something going on. I feel like he will never be completely ready to make that proposal, and that is the only step that I want to take right now. We've discussed this many times, and I want at least a 12-18 mth. engagement because I feel that both of us need that long to gear up for it. And no, I just don't want a ring on my finger. He's already bought me a beautiful ruby and sapphire ring, plus a pearl and diamond one. (Just for the record, I am a huge jewerly fan, and my parents own a jewerly store-so we can get a really good deal on an engagement ring, so he can't give me the excuse that he can't afford it).There are a few red flags here: 1) The fact he has put the engagement off until the spring -I have lost trust that he will not propose at all, and I think he knows that. 2) The fact that he has not yet told his parents his intentions really frightens me. I think that if he was serious, he would be discussing this with them, but it's a big secret. In fact, I'm not even suppose to tell them where my ruby/sapphire ring came from-he doesn't want them to know. 3)The fact that he is so afraid it will hurt his parents to move out<BR>Am I wrong to feel this distrust? Am I wrong to start thinking about other options? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks<BR>TL<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by popeye:<BR><B>I'm not that much older than you, but have a completely different perspective that I think comes from having been married and having lived through a lot of relationship difficulties.<P>First, what's the rush? 18 months may seem like a long time to you now. It may seem like you should both know what you want by now. It may seem like it's time to commit or move on, but I can tell you, in the scheme of a lifetime, it's not that long. If he needs more time, there is a reason for it. Give him the time. If you push, you both may regret it.<P>Pre-marital counseling is a great idea! Maybe you can save yourself some wedding blues by finding out what the problems are and developing some problem solving skills before you are committed.<P>I think this guy needs to get out on his own for a while too, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. It sounds like he has an unhealthy attachment to his family. Do you want to drag this into your new life together? Pre-marital counseling can bring out a whole lot of stuff.<P>It doesn't sound like you are communicating very well. It sounds like you are brushing off whatever he says because it doesn't sound logical to you. Slow down and ask him to explain it to you in a way that you can understand. Then try to make him understand your way of seeing it. It seems like you are talking in circles to one another and nobody is communicating with anybody. Counseling can help here too. <P>Just because YOU feel you have enough money doesn't mean that HE does. Just because you are comfortable, doesn't mean that he doesn't feel responsible for you. Don't take his feelings away from him. Don't belittle them because they don't hold the same importance for you.<P>Give it some time. You have the rest of your lives to figure things out. If you can get through this together, you will learn a lot about each other that will only enhance your relationship later. If you blow this off and make demands based solely on what you want, you may get him in the short run, but you will have missed the opportunity to avoid a lot of future misunderstandings.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mthrrhbard:<BR><B>Hi TigerLilie,<BR> I know all to well about having a "timeline" for how my life would play out.In my plan I would get my degree and establish my career,be married and have all my kids before I was 30.I was convinced at that time that my plan was right for me.However right it may have been for me,when another individual is required to make that plan work,the plan goes out the window and rightfully so.I think the plan for my education and career was a wonderful one,the marriage and kid part should have been left out for there is truly no "planning" in finding the right lifemate.It is not wise to find someone that will fit into our agenda for our lives at the moment,especially when we are talking about a lifemate.<P>Your BF is more concerned with pleasing his mother than he is with pleasing you.Quite unusual for a man 30 years of age.Frankly,this is a HUGE red flag of many problems to come.If he cannot bear to risk disapppointing them now,it WILL NOT change once he marries you. Do you like his mother? Does she like and approve of you? If you two(you and BF's mom) do not feel warm fuzzies for each other and BF refuses to assert himself for the well being of your relationship,I would move away a bit from this relationship and start to explore other options.This man and his continuing inappropriate relationship with his mom is a hotbed of potential problems that could kill a marriage,especially if you don't plan on repeatedly deferring to his mother's wishes and feelings. You should require that this man live on his own before you agree to marry him.That is the only way you will truly see how deep his attatchment to his mother goes. Good luck hon,come back and talk to us some more!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Mth:<BR>Yes, his mom and I get along really well, and I truly love his family. But, I feel the longer he waits to move out, the harder it will be. I've told him that he really needs to get his own place, and his relpy is that he "doesn't want to throw the money away, because that's money he could put towards my ring." Well, if he feels that way, then let's go shopping!!! We have this discussion all the time, and recently, he's told me that he's going to propose by spring. I've told him that he either needs to move out or propose before his next b-day, or I was going to end the relationship. He said he understood. Part of the problem is that he doesn't feel like he has the ability to make alot of money. And I've told him that if I wanted to marry a millioniare, I would have sent my application to the Fox network for that awful show. Part of the reason that I don't want children is because I really enjoy my job, and I have worked hard to get here. I feel that if I had kids, I would need to be at home with them, and I don't want to give up my job. And sure, I could change my mind, but I don't see it.But now there are few red flags: 1) He keeps moving the proposal back. I have lost trust that he will ever find a "right" time to pop the question. All I want right now is the engagement-and no, not because I just want a ring on my finger. I really want to take that next step in planning for our lives. 2) He has not told his parents his intentions. He doesn't want them to know anything right now. If he's really going to marry me, why keep it hush-hush? That sorta bothers me. 3) If it's not a money issue, then it's a parental issue. Today, we just has a discussion and he's worried about how his parents will feel : they might feel betrayed that he's leaving and disown him. My repsonse to that is: it's not like we're moving across the country, we'll only be about 10-15 minutes away. He can go visit anytime!! So now I have a friend to wants to set me up with this other guy. He's roughly the same age as my BF and has his own business and his own house!!! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mthrrhbard:<BR><B>Hi TigerLilie,<BR> I know all to well about having a "timeline" for how my life would play out.In my plan I would get my degree and establish my career,be married and have all my kids before I was 30.I was convinced at that time that my plan was right for me.However right it may have been for me,when another individual is required to make that plan work,the plan goes out the window and rightfully so.I think the plan for my education and career was a wonderful one,the marriage and kid part should have been left out for there is truly no "planning" in finding the right lifemate.It is not wise to find someone that will fit into our agenda for our lives at the moment,especially when we are talking about a lifemate.<P>Your BF is more concerned with pleasing his mother than he is with pleasing you.Quite unusual for a man 30 years of age.Frankly,this is a HUGE red flag of many problems to come.If he cannot bear to risk disapppointing them now,it WILL NOT change once he marries you. Do you like his mother? Does she like and approve of you? If you two(you and BF's mom) do not feel warm fuzzies for each other and BF refuses to assert himself for the well being of your relationship,I would move away a bit from this relationship and start to explore other options.This man and his continuing inappropriate relationship with his mom is a hotbed of potential problems that could kill a marriage,especially if you don't plan on repeatedly deferring to his mother's wishes and feelings. You should require that this man live on his own before you agree to marry him.That is the only way you will truly see how deep his attatchment to his mother goes. Good luck hon,come back and talk to us some more!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hello again Tigerlilie,<BR> Well,I would have to say to trust your intuition about his intentions regarding the engagement.You are the best judge of that.I must say that it seems a bit strange that he thinks his parents would have such a negative reaction to their 30 year old son taking a bride.That would seem to be one of the normal acceptable courses for a young man to take at this time period in his life.That he thinks there would be such dire consequences to such a normal choice would make me even more leary of how this might all turn out.<P>I think you have a wonderful opportunity here to test this relationship and even to maybe expand your horizons with this new guy your friend is suggesting. Why not try that out? You owe it to yourself ,my dear.A lifetime is a very long time,and yes,even though you have your doubts,marriage is VERY difficult under the best of circumstances. You do not need to start a lifetime relationship with a whole set of emotional/parental issues hanging over your head. That would get old very quickly.I'd at least see what this new guy is like. It might help your current BF to wise up,it could cement your decision making one way or another,since you're already having doubts about the sincereity of BF's promise to make a decision about an engagement in the springtime and he could ultimately decide not to propose at all.You're much too young to limit your options when you can already see that you have a pretty big obstacle in your way.I'd even venture to say, that even if BF did propose in the spring,that the remaining parental issues would be very likely to continue to effect your relationship with him in some not so great ways.Once you say "I do", you no longer have the luxury to decide this is not what you want.Again if you were my daughter,I would tell you to back away for awhile and explore other options.Good luck!<P>

Hi TigerLilie! I'm sorry about your situation, but I know someone who can help you. My good friend Yuki Miaka has been thru something similar to this and I was thinking that maybe you could talk to her. It wouldn't hurt, would it? Now if I can get her to come back here so we can talk.

TigerLilie, you seem to have a successful, independent lifestyle and a modern outlook in life. Very career-oriented, not interested in children, and in control of your self. So why don't YOU PROPOSE to your boyfriend, instead of waiting for him to pop you the question and getting frustrated in the process? Or is it a male-female relationship rule the other way around, and for some reason you are constrained to abide by it?<BR>

Hi Ken:<BR>To answer your question, I have many times asked him. He says he will, but to be patient. He says he has to get some things straightened out first. He says he wants to marry me. But the more I think about this situation, the more I realize that there are other things in the relationship that have to be dealt with before we get to that point. Like, I think that he needs to tell his parents he's serious about me-and that he bought me a ring. To me, that's a serious red-flag. And he says that he doesn't want his parents to think he's flipped out and spending all his money. But I don't think they would think that. It's like he's so afraid of what his parents think, he's afraid to get on with his life. The thing is, his parents are wonderful people and I truly believe that they want him to be happy.But he's so afraid that it will hurt his parent when he moves out and gets married. The thing is, my family is dysfunctional enough as it is, and if he really believes that his parents are going to flip out because he wants to get married, if they really expect him to live there forever and take care of them, then maybe this is not a family to be marrying into. Right now things are good. We crossed a major milestone last weekend (he spent the night at my place-see previous posts for an explanation) and once he saw his parents were not flipping out, he says he's going to do it more often. My friend brought up a good point -she said if you are happy with everything else in the relationship, then leave the engagement thing alone. November is still a good five months away. But by this time next year, there is going to be a major change in my life, one way or another.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by KenB:<BR><B>TigerLilie, you seem to have a successful, independent lifestyle and a modern outlook in life. Very career-oriented, not interested in children, and in control of your self. So why don't YOU PROPOSE to your boyfriend, instead of waiting for him to pop you the question and getting frustrated in the process? Or is it a male-female relationship rule the other way around, and for some reason you are constrained to abide by it?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

TigerLilie,<P>It seems to me your red flags are just what you are seeing. This is not a good thing unless you want to spend alot of time with his parents. If he hasn't told his parents about his feelings and that he has bought you a ring, then young lady I would urge you to go on with your life. <P>A man of 30 making his own living should spend his money as he sees fit and not apologize to his parents for it.<P>TL, please think about this very very hard. He is being honest with you and giving you a very strong message. He is very uncertain about marrying you no matter how much he likes you.<P>As for your question, why does everyone say marriage is hard when compared to single life. Well, this site doesn't have enough disk space to explain it all to you. But suffice it to say many people go into marriage thinking it will just be like going steady. Many people live together before they get married to make sure they are compatible. Guess what, the divorce rate for those living together before marriage is higher than for those who don't.<P>Why? Well, marriage is a commitment and when making this commitment it changes peoples expectations. Just the thought of it is changing yours. Consider you BF. You love him, you enjoy his company, etc. His living with his parents is not a problem. However, when you marry you expect a different level of commitment, his relationship to his parents and where he has/hasn't lived become important. His reluctance to commit bothers you.<P>TL you are only seeing the surface of it. If you can arrange to remain your current age, with your current state of happiness in your job, with no confusing factors, your H not aging, and changing jobs, then it may be no big deal. But there is a reason you stand before God and make this commitment, because it requires commitment to be married. It is very rewarding to be married, but it is far harder than you think.<P>Please think about all of this. I believe you are getting an unmistakable message about your future with this man. Pay attention to it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL