Man, this stinks! Only a few days on this forum and I have to head straight to the "divorce" section...do not pass Go, do not collect $200, do not attempt to use your "Get Out of Marriage Free" card!<P>For those who don't know the situation, read "Is My Marriage a Sham?"<P>Now here's the update: <P>She came home from visiting the OM in Vegas.<BR>Each time she went there, she came back with a rock-solid resolve to end our marriage. After about a week of talking, Plan A-ing (although I didn't know I was doing that at the time), and some sex, she would agree that there was still some hope.<P>Not tonight. She complained to me that she was going to have to change her cell phone number. Why? Because the OM's W got ahold of it and was harrassing her! I said "sorry, honey, but she has every right to be calling you...you're screwing around with her husband!" Incredibly, she didn't get it!<P>Anyway, this led to a pretty straightforward admission from her that her 1 month fling was far more important than our 5 years together.<P>"But he makes me feel better than I ever did with you"<P>"The feelings I have for him now are real, and they'll never change."<P>"You don't KNOW that my relationship with him will turn out badly. You're just saying that to make yourself feel better."<P>And on and on.<P>I politely asked her to leave, and she left. Moved in with her mom until her new apt becomes available in a few weeks.<BR> <BR>I suggested she get counseling, because anyone who could carry on such an elaborate deception for so long must have some mental problems.<P>So its over. She has no desire whatsoever to work on our marriage. To her, it never really existed. We only have to fill out the paperwork, divide up our stuff, and call it quits. <P>I've grown quite close to her daughter (11) in the past 5 years. I never legally adopted her, so I have no rights, but I have a feeling I'll never get to see her after the W finally moves in with the OM. That absolutely kills me. Sure, ruin my life, but why inflict this pain on our child for such selfish reasons?<P>I know that I am better than her. I honored my vows. I never, ever abused her physically, mentally, or psychologically. I helped build her self-esteem up from zero. I encouraged her in every endeavor. I started dating an overweight high school drop-out barfly who made seven bucks an hour. The woman who left me is making over 40 grand a year in management, teaches aerobics on the side, and gained the respect and admiration of nearly everyone around her for turning her life around, and I feel that my unconditional love and support for her helped her become what she is today.<P>So why do I feel so empty and bitter?<P>Where do I go from here?

Hello CJack,<P>Welcome to MB. I want to start out first telling you how sorry I am you are experiencing this. You don't deserve it. And believe me when I tell you, all on this board have also experienced a very similar painful awakening. It hurts where there just aren't words. Am I right?<P>So please listen to me when I tell you that you need to first off take care of yourself. That's number one. <P>Then you should read everything on this board. <P>I know you're full of hurt right now and you'll say and do things that you would NEVER normally say or do because you are hurting so badly. It's understandable. We all do it. It's venting and it's healthy for one in such a position.<P>Yes, what your wife is doing is WRONG, all the way wrong. But if you read the literature here you'll find as I have that everyone is 100% responsible for 50% of their marriage. You may need to resign yourself that you somehow played a part in the marriage upset. Please don't be mad at me for saying this, please. I too felt that I had been a model wife, but as I read and thought and talked to all these ppl here I discovered I wasn't meeting at least one if not more of my H's emotional needs. And because of that discovery I resolved that I was not better than him. I contributed to the breakdown in our marriage.<P>I feel your pain and know how you feel. It's devistating to learn you're being betrayed by the person you considered your family. How can they disrespect us this way.<P>What I can tell you is there IS hope. So many here have proven it. You need to read, you need to pray and you need to stay here and post your vents, and your questions.<P>The very first question you need to ask yourself is "What do you want?" If you want your marriage back, then you have a good chance but you need to follow the MB principals. I'm thinking because you're here that you want to learn them and we can help you.<P>Again, I know how hurt you are, and I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. Please start reading, I promise you it will help.<P>Best and prayers for you and your wife.<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 25, 2000).]

Thanks Jo.<P>I've been reading this board ever since I found it last week. I still had some hope back then, and this stuff really helped prop up that hope.<P>I realize that I'm partly to blame for this failure. I told her that on many occasions over the past month. I know I haven't fulfilled her EN's. I've become alternately distant and clingy. I pretty much ignored her when she tried to address the problems in our marriage. <P>I know what I need to do. When she moves out for good, and gets her stuff out of my house, I will start working on myself. This has been my back-up plan since d-day. I will finally start living my life the way I want to live it, without worrying what she thinks. <BR>I can get some work done on the house that I've been putting off. I can change my diet to something more acceptable to me (I've gained 20 lbs since moving in with her, I intend to lose it), and I can truly devote myself to my own happiness. The last 5 years have been totally consumed with making her happy. I know now how shortsighted a move that was. Yeah! Me! Me! ME!!!<P>But for a little while longer, I'll stare at pictures of the most beautiful woman in the world...and try not to cry...

Hey, cjack.<P>How's it going today? Any better?<P>What do you want to do? Do you want to end the marriage? You can still try even if your wife isn't willing to. It will be harder than anything else you've ever done, but you can try. There's a lot of good info on this site that can tell you how.<P>But you must decide if you want to. <P>Hang in there, man. It does get better. --HBC