Hi Everyone,<P>Tony is on vacation yet again with his family. He knew I could not go because of work. He also knew I was not happy about him going. I am angry because a) he is gone while I have to work and pay for everything and he gets to have fun and relax. b) He is with his family and they trash me and tell him to leave me all the time. I know he does not defend my honor. Get this Tony got angry with him Mom for lying to him and it was my fault. I was not even there had no idea what went wrong or even forced her to lie to Tony. But it is my fault. These people are insane.<P>I told him how I felt and he went anyways. Well I have taken the time to snoop through his computer. I have found a program on there that he has used in the past to find women to have cyber sex with. I just had it. <P>When he called last night I just told him to take the time to really think about what he wants. I explained to him that I am at a point where he can leave I have no desire to live one more year of his emotional abuse from him and his family. <P>He explained that the program gets installed with the games he plays (www.Mplay.com) Yes this is true. But his user account is still active. I would think that since he, in theory, has not used the account in a year it would have been purged from their system. I do not know the password it has been changed (I think).<P>I informed him of all this. I just said I do not care anymore. He asked if I loved him and I said it does not matter I do not deserve this anymore. He said he would make it up to me. I just informed him that no matter what he did he would always be a two bit con artist. <P>I really feel as if I am being used and abused by him. I am taking the week to really see what I want. I can live without him. I am tired of him breaking his promises. I knew he was not taking looking for a job seriously. I mean the market is hot right now. Give me a break.<P>How can he love me if his actions are not there. If we are too work he has to make a lot of changes. First off stop the lying. What does he think I am stupid. Second, no more internet access ever. He just manipulates me. Third, he really has to take responsability for his actions. Protect my honor.<P>Jerk I hate him. I have been thinking of not picking up the phone anymore and just doing a mini-plan B while he is gone. I am tired of the fighting and hearing his lies. I want someone to love me and prove it by actions that I am the most important thing in the world to them. I doubt I mean anything to Tony but someone to have sex with.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Pahakissa1 (edited July 25, 2000).]

Paha,<P>Honey do take this time to think about what it is you want and need from Tony.<P>Write it all out, think about it. You do deserve to be loved, to be cared for to be charished. <P>If he can't/won't do that for you, then maybe it is time for you to move on before you take the relationship any further. If you do decide to end it, talk to an attorney first, find out what you have to do to make a clean break. Then do it, if that is what you want.<P>He has been hurting you for a long long time Paha, you deserve better.<P>Deb

Hi Deb,<P>You are so sweet. Thank you very much for replying to my post.<P>I feel very strongly that I need to be loved. This past weekend I was home alone and very misriable. I felt so un-loved. I can not even explain how that feels. I wondered around the house with nothing to do and no where to go. <P>Sorry Deb I am having the biggest pitty party. <P>I am really using the time to think. Mainly about Tony and my relationship but also about everything else. I have to say that I am scared. I am afraid that no one else will love me. I do think about this when I wonder what to do with Tony but I think above all I would rather live alone than with this mess anymore. <P>Thank you for the suggestion of writting down everything I need. I am going to start doing this tonight. I do know that my number one need is to be loved above all other (human being that is) My Mom never loved me like she loved my sister. This has always bothered me. It made me feel less than everyone else. This I need along with honesty and honor. I feel that is someone honors me they will not lie or cheat. Maybe they need to honor themselves too.<P>Tony seems to have the words but no action. Why am I always cheated on. First C and now Tony. Is there something wrong with me? I have been really thinking about this.<P>Again sorry I am very low today.

Paha<BR>Just have a minute but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.<BR>You deserve to be happy. I think that is something some of us forget. Cl told me that the other day and it kind of floored me. I don't often think about whether I "deserve" to be happy.<P>Now take some deep breaths, listen to Deb, and think about what Paha wants and needs.<BR>I'll try to check in later.<BR>Prayers!!!!

Hi Wassy,<P>Thanks for the prayers. I pray for all of you all the time. <P>I am really taking this time this week to get my act together. I am really starting to think what I want to do with my life and what makes me happy again. I have been so sad for such a long time. I need me back.<P>New improved me. <P>How have you been. Ditto for Deb too. I feel like I am only focusing on me.

Paha,<BR>When I first came to this board, I read through a lot of posts with my mouth hanging open. All the things people endure here! It's unbelievable. My first reaction to most was "dump that slimy scum! get a life!" My views have changed considerably since then. I see the value in hanging in there for the long haul. I have to say, though, that I just can't see it in your case. My recollection is that you're early in your relationship and not married? <P>You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Actions speak louder than words. Doesn't sound like Tony's words match up with his actions. And don't think for a minute that someone else won't love you. It can't possibly be true for one thing, plus it's a lousy reason to stay with someone, thinking that you have to "settle for what you can get." Knowing what Paha wants is definitely part of the puzzle though. If you can't define it, no one can satisfy your needs, including yourself. sigh These self evaluations aren't very much fun, are they. You can do it though.

Hi Lonesome Heart,<P>Thank you for the wonderful insight. You are right the internal journy is painful.<P>Actually I spent the entire evening talking to my new next door neighbor. It was rather interesting. It gave my mind a break from either thinking about work or my relationship with Tony.<P>I do deserve to be happy! I just try to remeber that I am the only one who can make me happy.<P>How are you doing?

Hi <P>Dont be walked on. My H is currently having an affair living with OW and her children Provides them with a house and things and cant pay is child support. One thing I have learned through this is S(11 months old) and I will be okay with or wothout H. Stand strong and dont be used. I was but it has stopped. If H cames back I will work on it because that is what Gods wants, but I am a much stronger person and that is what God wants.<P>Michelle

Hi Tigger,<P>You sound very stong. I will wish nothing but the best for you.<P>Right now I wish I was that strong. Tony and I had a huge fight yesturday afternoon. I LBed all over the place. I hate myself that of way but I have learned a long time ago that Tony will not listen to me if I say anything in a nice way.<P>He called at work while I was working on the Database. I have nothing but problems building the database. He called and then ended up talking to his Mom the entire time. I just hung up on him and then got my cell phone and called him back. I was livid. We had a huge massive fight about everything. He is of the oppinion that what ever he does is correct and loving. <P>Maybe I am just wrong but I want him to treat me as the most important person in his life. I want to be cherished and held dear to his heart. Since the affairs I feel that he owes me this. At least he should be willing to make this up to me for the rest of his life. I gave up a lot to be with him and I feel like I am getting punished for it.<P>I need strength. How do I get it. I just want to stay in bed and cry. I do not think he will ever be able to love me the way I need.<P>