Hi,<P>Well I paged my H to have him call me so I could ask if he planned on taking "Froot Loop" (aka OW) to the hearing this Tuesday.<P>He called me and we talked for half an hour, then he said lets meet at Starbucks to talk more. Well as most of you know I'm in a psuedo Plan B, but I went anyway.<P>We talked for 2.5 hours about EVERYTHING, but I'm going to bring up the things that kept me up all night ... things that I need help understanding. Please Help me understand guys.<P>He didn't wear his wedding band and I questioned that, he said he was going to slip it on but then decided he no longer wanted to dishonor it that way. Sd his marriage to me meant alot and the ring signified that, that he would not put if off/on because he wanted to be honest. And for now he wasn't going to wear it.<P>I asked him about us and what we should do, he said "I don't know". I asked him if he was going to marry OW, he said he doesn't even think about that ... and if that was to happen it would be years and years. (this one really made me not sleep last night!)<P>I told him all about MB and the board, he asked for the book SAA and if he could read it and I just happen to have it in my car so gave it to him w/the caveat that he really read it. He said he would. (what if he applies the MB stuff to his relationship w/OW?)<P>He said he wanted to continue seeing me like this. I said that I don't know if I should and that it hurts because simply seeing him makes a deposit to my love bank and then he leaves and is with OW. I said I think we may have to go to no contact. And that I would see him ONLY if he ended it with OW.<P>We talked about what happened to us and I told him that we were not meeting each other's needs. I explained the whole principal to him and he said he thought it was more complicated than that. I told him the working on it part is complicated but the principal itself is very simple. I explained more about how needs are something that need to be communicated to spouses and that just because you love someone and are married to them doesn't mean you naturally know their needs. He agreed.<P>So, there you have it. Can you guys please read this and give me your thoughts. I'm worried that he and OW may really have something but for some reason he needs to see/talk to me, what need is this?<P>Jo<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Jo,<P>I know you're going to hate what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it anyway. You have got to stop torturing yourself! Don't do a "pseudo" plan B - DO Plan B! Not only are you driving yourself nuts by seeing him, but he's still "getting his cake and eating it too". He still gets to "see" both of you. He's torn, that I believe, but not to the point to where he's going to make a choice because he's getting his various needs met by both you and "Toucan Tramp" <P>You have had 18 (?) years with this man - the OW has had one. No other woman can give him what you do, but he's not going to realize that until you stop seeing him, and he's stuck with Fatal Attraction full time.<P>And honey, if you even got him to LOOK at the SAA book, you're doing great! I hope things get better for you, I really do. No one should have to go through this heartache.

Well, Jo, that's what you get for talking to him.<P>You knew he was a "snake" when you gave him the ride as the old story goes.<P>Seriously you know you can't go by anything they say right now. Alot of what is said is for effect anyway or to avoid being pinned down.<P>That was a good line about his wedding ring.<BR>Think he meant it? He's a quick thinker if nothing else. Does he prepare those lines? My H is a wordsmith as he does it for a living, but you ask him anything personal or unexpected and he trips over his tongue or says "I don't know right now."<P>Jo, you know I must have contact with H every day and experience the "leaving to go to OW" every day. So I know how that hurts.<BR>The only way I have been able to get through it is to totally let him go, to free him.<BR>No talk of relationship or OW, just basically letting him do his think right now and seeing if he can resolve it himself while trying to be his friend. <P>This can tear you apart if you let it. Protect yourself. I know Plan B is hard, but it might be less emotionally wearing on you in the long run.<P>But believe me I understand how hard it is.<P>Buffy<P>

Jo, As you know, I share your pain also. When I hear my H talk and say things like "I've realized I've been wandering in the darkness of our marraige for a long time" and then talk incoherently about his "antimaterialism bond" with OW I feel like a speck of dust.....floating nowhere!!!<P>And when I try to disect anything....a conversation...family and friends ideas of what's going on and what to do.... or someones' remark about OW and H at work....again I feel invisible...like I had no consequence in this man's (whom I love tremendously) life. <P>But when I read what you wrote here and his responses I can see CLEARLY the unreality of what is going on!!!!<P>Unfortunatly, that does not make living it any easier. And a modified plan B can suck us back into the unreality again!!<P>I had such a wonderful, healthy, break from all of THIS!! for 3 weeks. I had to see H at the end so he could take Son..... I felt sucked into it again...even though he is not talking to me because I am not talking to him..<P>They are lost...all we can do is what we can do for ourselves. Don't let him make you believe that OW is IT....she is not!! <P>Had a conversation while gone with a wife that had gone through this.....and her H said all the same things....disconnected from she and their kids.....(this due to loss of job....lots of self esteem lowering issues and mid life) He opened his eyes after 8 months....they have been together ever since...and they are in late 60's.... also she met someone during her episode (a man who had an affair, left his wife, had two kids with affair partner.... 4 years later he spoke with this person and told her it was the biggest mistake he ever made)<P>NOTHING on this earth is PERFECT!!!<P>

Hi Jo,<P>I can see why you'd be confused, but I think you have to decide on a plan and stick to it. I am guilty of talking to my STBX too when I am supposed to be in a Plan B, but I do believe in it and think we both should follow the directions! <P>If you are going to talk to him and try to appeal to his heart and common sense, go back to Plan A, but you have to be prepared to swallow your pain about the OW. You can't let that stand in the way of your goal. (Assuming the goal is to reconcile?)<P>If you don't want contact as long as he is with the OW, you have to be firm on that. I can't tell you how many times I have asked the STBX not to contact me unless it is important. He's call for non-reasons, just being casual or drop in. He'd get what he wants and is gone. It was just a big circle going nowhere. <P>I know it is hard, but it is worth it.