Hi everyone. For my story look for my postings under "Just Found Out" as "I feel like I'm dying" and "General Questions" as "Don't want to lose my babies".<P>My wife is currently 'torn' between loverboy and me; therefore, I'm trying a pseudo Plan A. As I read many of these postings I get the feeling that many of you are not looking at your situations with Truth in mind. Often I see mention of "he / she's just in the FOG right now... it's not them". I believe you judge one by their fruits... by what they DO not what they SAY. I will not look at my wife through rose colored glasses. I seek Truth. The fact is that I wasn't meeting all of her needs... she wasn't meeting all of mine either. So why didn't I have an affair? I believe I didn't because I've always 'protected' my marriage. I never take a female co-worker out to lunch or anywhere alone. I do not share personal things with any female other than my wife. This is a conscious effort on my part.<BR>Similarly I must believe that this affair is a conscious effort on my wife's part. There is no FOG here... only my wife. She is still able to work professionally and mother our children. The fact is she CHOOSES to have an affair. She KNOWS it is detrimental to our relationship and the stability of her children's life; however, she reasons that she will be a better, happier person if she pursues loverboy and thus a better mother. The FOG didn't make her try to sneak loverboy into my house to have relations with him on our bed... she did (she called everywhere trying to ensure I wasn't home, well I was... hiding out upstairs... trust your gut). In fact in his defense she said he didn't want to do it but she 'pushed' him to do it (so much for her argument that he was a man she couldn't push around!... this guy's a jerk). <BR>The fact is my wife is a very selfish individual who is willing to screw up the lives of her family for her own selfish desires. She may try to justify this with illogical reasoning and excuses... but truth is truth. Simply put, my wife is not a very good person at this point.<P>The reason I make this argument is that we all need to seek the truth. If I accept my wife back, if she decides to come back, I must do so with open honesty and an understanding and acceptance of the above facts. My wife is not the woman of character I thought she was. This doesn't mean she can never be a woman of character (we are what we want to be), this just means at this point she isn't. For both our parts we will have to quit being mentally lazy and selfish and work like hell to understand both our needs and what each of us needs to do to meet those needs.<P>So why do I endure this crap. Well I love my wife and my children. I know noone is perfect and the best thing for all of us is to get back together and work on our marriage. I pray that God will move in her heart and enable her to see this truth. I pray that God will give me the strength and wisdom to be who I need to be. I view this as my time to be Christ like. Don't get me wrong... I'm definitely not perfect, but my heart and logic is in the right place. Should she finally choose loverboy... I will wish her all my love and get on with my life. Odds are it wouldn't work out with loverboy, but I wouldn't hold back my life to wait and see. Some people have to learn the hard way... I would just try to shelter my kids from it as best I could and better myself throughout life.

fatherof2:<P>I'll weigh in as an "expert" here, who's gone through the whole thing (successfully), and also seen plenty of others with nearly identical experiences.<P>You've identified areas that you could improve in as a husband. Excellent. Start executing a plan that will have the maximum impact on your wife as quickly as possible (generally eliminating the top 1-2 lovebusters in a EXTREMELY CONSISTANT manner). You're not going to be hanging in Plan A forever, so you need to make an impact over the next 3-6 months.<P>You also state why you didn't have an affair. That's excellent---protection of the marriage is key. One issue that Harley addresses that I believe to be basically true is that most people can be susceptible to affairs, if the situation arises. The way to guard against that is to have a great marriage, and not expose yourself to "dangerous" situations like those you outline.<P>On to the summary on your wife. Although there is no doubt that your wife's behavior now is horrible---that she's being extremely selfish right now---I would give her the benefit of the doubt. She's acting as an "insane" person right now---although you're probably loathe to accept the possibility of this as insanity, it typically fits the bill. If you get out of this with your marriage intact, I will pretty much guarantee you that your wife will not recognize her behavior over the affair period. She won't believe what she's done. She may have difficulty remembering what she said and her actions.<P>It will seem as though a fog has lifted. This has been my experience in my own life, and it's been the experience of dozens of others on this board. The insanity of an affair is usually temporary. I'd suggest that you treat your wife lovingly---as you would if she were truly "ill"---as opposed to some weak, evil, selfish person who deserves punishment and justice.<P>It'll get you to your goal of a restored marriage sooner.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I pray that God will give me the strength and wisdom to be who I need to be. I view this as my time to be Christ like.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I used to pray those exact words. And in the middle of my wife's affair, as I was driving into work after a "bad" episode---I started laughing. I had been praying just those thoughts when I realized that God HAD answered me: he had given me the strength, wisdom, grace, and example to do what I needed to do, and I was doing a decent job with it. So I said "Thanks", and got on with the job.<P>Good luck---and get into counseling soon, it'll help. Antidepressants are also a good course at the early stages---it'll help you cope with the anger and resentment, and give you the patience to learn these new marital skills under adverse circumstances.

Thanks for your words of encouragement K. I see the truth in your words... although, I must admit I am skeptical about the 'treating it as an illness' concept. I still argue that the majority of us (except those that ARE mentally abnormal) willingly choose our course in life. My fear is that I am now seeing a part of my wife that is simply part of her. I understand the 'emotional needs' concept and agree to some extent; however, there must be more to life, love, and marriage than that! If 'meeting those needs' is what it's really all about then we're (those betrayed and able to reconcile) all screwed if, God forbid, we have an accident and are paralyzed from the neck down. Given this event we would be hard pressed to meet all those emotional needs... well at least we could hope that they would give us a peck on the cheek on their way out to meet the other individual they've found to meet those needs. Sounds crazy, an exagerration I know, but that's the feeling I get from many here. I argue that I am more than a simple animal driven by my 'emotional needs'. I am a man given consciousness, spirit, and will by my creator. It is my love for my creator (the desire to please Him) that dictates my actions. Thus I say... NO! I will never violate the covenent I made with him. Though I may be tempted by another and unhappy in my marriage, I CHOOSE to honor my word, to honor my God. If I do not, then I do so willingly and with fore-knowlege; therefore, I must be willing to face the consequences of my actions and to truly seek forgiveness from my God when I finally decide to right that which is wrong.<P>I deeply desire for my wife to come back. I love her... I always will. If she comes back I will strive to understand her needs and to meet those needs. However, I will not allow her to manipulate me into getting her way by holding the 'if i'm not happy I will seek for it somewhere else' over my head. Love must go both ways. This is my understanding of MB... to reach the point in one's marriage where each member naturally desires to meet the other's needs because in return their needs will be met.<BR>This is what I desire. I will accept nothing less.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fatherof2:<BR><B>The reason I make this argument is that we all need to seek the truth. If I accept my wife back, if she decides to come back, I must do so with open honesty and an understanding and acceptance of the above facts. My wife is not the woman of character I thought she was. This doesn't mean she can never be a woman of character (we are what we want to be), this just means at this point she isn't. For both our parts we will have to quit being mentally lazy and selfish and work like hell to understand both our needs and what each of us needs to do to meet those needs.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>fof2, I see mostly the men come to your threads, but it is not really that different being a betrayed Christian woman.<P>You agreed on the other thread you have a lot of growing to do in overcoming the pride that shouts out from your posts...<P>Yes, she is doing something that is very wrong. But don't confuse the pursuit of truth with pride.<P>In seeking the truth, we seek to gain the greatest possible perspective. You say that you made mistakes in the marriage, yet 95% of your post is that she does not have a good character.<P>I am not flaming you, I remember only too well the pain of the first few months, but get off the high horse before you fall and break a leg!<P>Whether or not you are eventually able to save the marriage, you are faced with some real personal growth opportunities. Like K said, you want to know later that you did all you could and grew all you could in this situation.<P>So open your mind a bit. No-one is saying it is ok to committ adultery, or that she did not choose to do it and is fully responsible before God.<P>What they are saying, and Harley says it so well, is that emotional needs are like physical hunger, deep down is the hunger to be loved. If not met, they leave you very vulnerable.<P>My h was the best Christian I knew, and yet he had two PAs, each lasting 4 to 6 months. He was yearning so deeply for something, and apparently gave up on finding it in the marriage (sure wish he had told me).<P>I began to see that it did not define who he is. Yes, he was capable and guilty of this awful thing, but it did not define him as a "bad" person.<P>I could have thrown his butt out also, but I realized we had failed each other in not knowing how to meet each other's needs long before the affair. By God's grace, we had a chance to start over and get it right.<P>I had been so focused on how he pursued his career with heavy travel while I raised young kids alone...I had not seen before how he felt, taken for granted, unloved.<P>You are right in that, my needs weren't being met either, yet I did not have an affair. So, I don't have the guilt to deal with, I'm glad. But will I be self-righteous or will I give this marriage 100%?<P>Not only are we building a beautiful marriage today, and our kids have both parents, but I know he would have continued in a spiral of self-destruction if I had not as a Christian sister helped to rescue him. That is the FOG. They take actions that are wrong, but then emotional ties spiral out of control, and they can't think straight.<P>My h too, took every precaution like you to not be around women, yet went looking for an affair when he felt empty. It was harder to deal with knowing he did not fall into it, he went looking for the right woman that would make him feel good.<P>While it hurts like hell, I also know he did not deliberately set out to hurt me. He lied to himself, that I wouldn't find out, etc. This is not being done TO YOU, but for her.<P>Please read Surviving an Affair if you haven't yet. It was our manual during the first couple of months. <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fatherof2:<BR><B> I get the feeling that many of you are not looking at your situations with Truth in mind. Often I see mention of "he / she's just in the FOG right now... it's not them". <P>Similarly I must believe that this affair is a conscious effort on my wife's part. There is no FOG here... only my wife. She is still able to work professionally and mother our children. The fact is she CHOOSES to have an affair. She KNOWS it is detrimental to our relationship and the stability of her children's life....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>fatherof2, I have posted the same sentiments that you have during the past year. I have either gotten replies similar to the ones that you have received on this thread, or I have received replies similar to the thoughts that you have posted. I believe, as you do, that WS' make conscious decisions to have affairs, no fog, conscious decisions. After discovery they may in fact be sorry and remorseful, but to say that they didn't know what they were doing is "fantasy". As I have posted on these boards before, I do believe that many BS' are in so much pain and do in fact love their spouses that they are willing to make excuses for them. I also believe that many people using the "fog" theory are in just as much fantasy as the BS is. Is it not easier to accept and take back a WS who was temporarily "insane", than it is to take back someone who KNOWINGLY did something to cause this amount of pain?<P>I, like you, love my W, and that's why I am working to rebuild my marriage, but I won't attempt to rebuild the marriage on the pretense that they were in some fog and didn't know what they were doing. I am going forward on the pretense that you did what you wanted to, got caught, realized the pain that you caused, and is now sorry and wants to rebuild the marriage. <P>I have worked in the behaviorial sciences for the past 10 years, and one thing I have learned is that people will tell themselves ANYTHING to deal with the pain that life sometimes brings our way. <P>Just wanted to let you know that there are some of us that haven't "just" discovered our spouses affair and still think as you do. Plan A for as long and hard as you can, be patient hopefully things will get better and your wife will realize what a good thing she has at her <B>own home.</B><P>Good Luck to you, and may God Bless.<p>[This message has been edited by F A (edited July 26, 2000).]

"Fog" is just a descriptive term to describe the fact that the WS is often acting in a way very contrary to their normal behavior. It is actually a sort of pyscological defnse mechanism...one that allows them to defend their actions while they are behaving so badly..in fact, often behaing in a way that is totally disparate from their "normal" beliefs. But, whatever rationale they have in their minds at the time, it is often something they truly believe at that time.<P>I'm "lucky" I suppose in that my H fell madly in love, but did not consummate his feelings physically with his "soulmate"...but, I saw firsthand how deeply he believed a lot of stuff that now is obviously BS. The struggle between what he felt and believed at that time, and the standards he did not want to betray almost tore him apart. There were times I wanted to tell him to forget it...it wasn't worth seeing the pain he was in struggling against his own mind.<P>So, yes, I believe in "fog" or as its also termed around here "being taken over by aliens"...but I also believe that to act on these feelings is a conscious act of will. <P>Kathi<P>

Fatherof2:<P>What difference does it makes to you whether some believe that the WS is in a "fog," lost in a fantasy of his own making, unable to free hisself and not willing to try at times. If you really think about it, it's still a conscience choice, perhaps made by a confused muddled individual, but the effect is the same. <P>It you want to believe that your W is in her right mind and is willingly making these choices, then you must assume that she is doing so out of selfishnes and she cares nothing about hurting you or your children.<BR>Does this make you feel better?<P>I for one find this one of the better arugments for it being an "altered state"<BR>a temporary condition brought on by the lack, real or imaginary, of one of the upmost needs of human existence...love and understanding. A misguided, perhaps, attempt to find what is missing in their own marriage in someone else. <P>The "fog" is not in the seeking for another to fill a need, but in the way they go about it....forsaking vows to their partner, hurting their children, giving up everything at times to be with the one they "love", cruelty to their spouses, detachment from their family and friends in the face of opposition to the OP, loss of integrity, possible loss of their careers....all things that a normal adult would not do, especially if they involve hurt to oneself. No one but teenagers feel that one person is worth all that...and even they grow out of it.<P>If you will observe from reading the posts here at MB, not all betrayers leave their S to go off with the OP, it's just those who have the greater confusion about their affairs that leave. Those with the ability to reason through with a clear mind what the effects of leaving will be to all involved will usually stay with the marriage and try to work it out. What makes the others leave?<BR>Well, some people have clearer thinking then others. Do we condemn them for that, or do we try to understand and forgive?<P>I don't condone what my H has done, or deny that it was his own free will to do so, but I know that the person that I have known for so many years is not really capable of hurting so many people unless he was very confused and blinded to a certain extent by the fantasy of his new love.<P>Maybe that just my way of dealing with this, but until the Lord tells me different that's the way I will feel.<P>Buffy<P> <P>

I think the point here is to forgive. If that is approached from the viewpoint of the affair occuring due to a fog or a conscious choice does not really matter as long as 2 things occur.<P>1. Both parties work on the marriage<BR> (forgive & rebuild)<BR>2. The wayward spouse learns to be a <BR> stronger and more communicative person.<P>We all make mistakes. I don't think there is anything wrong with recognizing that we are all flawed at some level and looking at those faults straight on! However,we all do not respond to bad situations in the same way. <P>But I think F2 has a point. We all at some point in our marriage do not get our needs met -even our most important needs. Yet we do not all respond by having an affair. Some of us are simply stronger than others. <P>Does this make our spouses bad? No but it does make them weak enough in some area to have turned thier back on thier marriage. Feeling that our spouses affair was born out of weekness as well as confusion does not make us high and mighty (remember <BR>f2 owned up to not being perfect). It does mean however that the wayword spouse needs to work on becoming a stronger person. Does this mean that we do not have to make any changes in how we appraoch our marriage since we may belive the affair was due to our spouses weakness? NO! <P>All of this only means that we need to reconize our spouses for what they are - imperfect and vunerable as we may be in other ways. But given the pain that this vunerability has caused in our lives, it is critical that our spouses need to work on becoming stonger in this area in order to preserve the future of our collective marriages!<P>Acacia<P><BR>

Wow! Thanks all for your replies... I especially want to thank schizzo, the Lord revealed Truth to me through your words... I am on my high horse. I know my wife is a good woman who has 'consciously' made bad choices out of a desire to be happy... find solace from the 'dead' characteristics of our current marriage. The Lord is working on both of us. I finally have the strength to set her free... by this I mean to pursue becoming a better man/husband/father while respecting her desires (even though I don't agree with 'em). So much for the machoistic perceptions of myself prior to all of this crap. The Lord has filled me with so much love, opened my eyes, made me whole. When we are together I do not question her about loverboy; however, she has opened up and does talk about him and her feelings to me. I try not to be judgemental and only offer advice if she asks for it... which she does! I love this woman... more than I ever knew. Thanks all for helping me see the true path. I'm simply going to love her... with every fiber of my being. <BR>I can see that I've 'blown her mind'. I see the attraction for me returning. She revealed yesterday that she is leaning more toward me now. I won't get my hopes up. I told her to take her time, seek counseling (I now realize there is more at work here than just an unhappy marriage), and that I am here for her, no matter what. I hope to be asked to join the sessions... like I told her... no matter what we both need to identify why the affair occurred, if not for our future relationship together, then for our future relationships apart. I love this new honesty, I believe she does to. I think the MB concept is the way to go and will follow that path (Plan A). I told her, that should she decide to reconcile the marriage, it will be a bumpy road. I am imperfect and WILL make mistakes; however, I truly love her and do not desire to hurt her in any way. I told her that the key to our reconciliation will be openness and honesty. I need to KNOW her true feelings, what is bothering her, what she likes, so that I can properly respond to her needs. Where I will need to grow is openning up and revealing MY needs. For so long my emotional concept was that if she didn't contribute towards our marriage 'naturally' and of her 'own free will' then I didn't want anything from her. How stupid of me! What did I think... she could read my mind!!!<BR>I remember that about 2 years ago she read the 'Love Languages' book and got so excited, wanted me to read it. I said maybe and then never made the effort to read it! She was crying out to me for help and me in my egocentric world blew her off. Damn I'm an idiot. I thank the Father for giving me a chance to show her how much I love her. I pray that he will strengthen me for whatever may come.<P>Keep praying for us... I'll keep praying for yall. Thanks for all of your help.

Fatherof2, <P>I like your name, I'm the mother of 2 little ones...<P>Your reply was such an encouragement. We have been in recovery since November, but I still like to come to MB.<P>I see many who get stuck in a rut and it seems almost impossible to help them, but you have moved so quickly from a sense of injured pride to a realization that what she really needs is love demonstrated by meeting her needs!<P>I am so glad you are "blowing her mind". I think I did that by moving quickly into a plan A mode and maybe saved us months of agony. He was ready to move in with her, but recommitted to the marriage after a month of Plan A.<P>We too love the new honesty and it keeps getting better...<P>But let me warn you about counselling. You are right, there are always more issues than the marriage, but for my h that came out over time.<P>The Harleys believe the most important thing is to immediately start to work on behaviors that should have been in the marriage all along. That the other issues, including withdrawal and the pain of betrayal will take care of themselves.<P>I was very sceptical, but I'm here to say it worked. We counselled over the phone with Jennifer Harley, co-author of SAA.<P>Her approach was to get to work right away. My h actually confessed to her before he did to me and she got us moving in the right direction.<P>As a Christian you know how hard it is to take certain teachings, first exegete the passages, then try to see how we can live it in our own lives. Changing behaviors in marriage is also very hard. We read the books, said it makes a lot of sense, but just couldn't put it into practice.<P>That's where Jennifer helped so much. She held us accountable to do our "homework".<P>She would speak to us individually on the phone during the session, while the other would step out.<P>If your wife is open to counselling, I cannot recommend this enough (rather than the more traditional route of exploring her feelings). Jennifer and her brother Steve are both excellent.

Wow, Fatherof2, I'm blown away too. Thought we'd never get through to you. See what a little change of attitude has brought between you and your wife. <P>Yes there still is a lot of way to go but your eyes appear to be opened now and you will be able to see what needs to be done.<P>I expect a good outcome in your situation.<BR>Please let us know what happens. <P>Good luck.<P>Buffy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 27, 2000).]

"But I think F2 has a point. We all at some point in our marriage do not get our needs met -even our most important needs. Yet we do not all respond by having an affair. Some of us are simply stronger than others."<P>I'm not sure I see all affairs (at least ones resulting from serious marital conflict and turmoil) in terms of one spouse being weak, one strong - one the "bad seed", one "the victim". I'll speak for my marriage at least, and say that our union, the "Truth" of our bond and love, was the real victim and loss for a time. My choice to stray was no more weak than my husband's string of poor choices to stay at work late, instead of coming home to nourish a relationship that *he knew* was headed rapidly south. Which is the greater weakness, my loud-mouthed LBing, or the fact that in terms of communication, my H was a walking clam for years? <P>I (in part) look at our mutual affairs like this...we were at our weakest by avoiding the work to settle things between us - but actually strong, to at least reach for what was still *alive* inside. Were we wrong to do so in the manner we chose, with other people inside of our marital vows - YES! <P>Aren't there usually *very many* elements to individual, and marital weakness along the way to the break-up of a marriage? I look at an affair (in general) as more a culmination event. As we're discovering, it can be a strange sort of "gift" too, depending on circumstances, and perspective!<P>Should I run for cover now? <P>Delilah

No need to run for cover! Sorry if I offended you in anyway. I may not agree with everything you said but that's OK but I certainly respect your view. And you bring up an interesting point about your H as well which does make me see this a bit differently if not completly differently.<P>Acacia<P>

Oh gosh no, you didn't offend me at all. I chose to respond to the words from your post because they struck a chord in me. I love how I can come here, and not feel like getting into a darn thing - read something, and then be sparked to work it out with words. It's a form of therapy, I think. <P>So true, even if we can't completely agree, it is good to get varied insights. One of the things that is so helpful about reading, and contributing here.<P>Delilah

This subject interested me very much and I enjoyed reading your posts. I want to share my story:<P>Last summer, while still not knowing about the EA at this point, and with my husband having moved overseas to prepare a home for us to join him (he's military) I became friends with a wonderful man. <P>He was a fellow soldier in my company who worked the opposite shift (I was in the process of getting out of the army to be with my husband, I and working a live mission up to the very day.) He was a single parent to a little girl, and me, being virtually a single parent while my husband had dumped me, came back, dumped me again, came back again, (you know the routine) I got to be very close to this guy because of necessity. We babysat for each other (I adored his daughter--he doted on my son) free o'charge because of bad financial situations for both of us. Pretty soon, we starting cooking for each other, too. Then household chores--fixing cars, doing laundry, running errands. Then fun activities--cheap fun things, like swimming, going to country fairs, playing in the park, catching the football in the yard. WE had so much fun with our kids, who LOVED each other! Soon, we were together every single day, work and play.<P>One day, as I was preparing for my move, my house was burglarized. The back door was smashed, and I faced-off with the criminal in my own livingroom. My friend was adamant about us coming to stay at his house for a few days for our safety after that. I did, and slept on his daughter's trundle bed. Staying in my friend's house, it was like being a real family!! Only, unlike my family with my husband, there was no yelling, fussing, and slamming doors.<P>The man was very handsome and very kind and light-hearted. My husband, while also very handsome, is very tempermental, impatient, moody, and at times, very selfish. And obviously, we had problems.<P>I realized that my friend was becoming more affectionate towards me, and began questioning me about my marriage--did I really want it after all the crap he'd put me through? Was it realistic to expect success? Was I throwing my career away for a man who didn't love me? My friend and I never flirted with each other in the least (in fact, we continued to address each other as SGT B and SSG H even off duty!) However, one day, he up and said out of the blue: "If he doesn't want you, and if you would like, please stay with me." He left it at that. But it was an almost mutual idea that had been growing in my mind!<P>It would have been the PERFECT and almost JUSTIFIABLE opportunity to have an affair, as husband did. My needs were definately not being met by anyone but this man who I was friends with. I was tempted, and I analyzed my growing love for my friend and identified it for what it was.<P> I remember kneeling down and praying: "Heavenly Father, I love my husband, I made a vow with him and You at the altar in Your church to be faithful, and I will honor that vow til the day I die. Please don't tempt me further."<P>It would have been so easy, while staying at my friend's home, to steal into his bedroom in the middle of the night. He wouldn't have minded either. I had been celibate for so long, it had become painful. I know that my friend would have been a wonderful lover.<P>But that was a place that I knew that I never wanted to go to. I had seen EA destoy so many lives of the people that I had knew. (Ironiclly, that is why my friend was a single father.)<P>I am not tooting my own horn, because had I been less mature and less experienced in life, and not at the spiritual plateau that I have arrived at through many, many hardships, I would have done it in a minute, without a second thought. And thus I would be in the same boat my hubby was in.<P>With prayer and study of the situation, I up and left the man and his child, who I had become a mother to, and proceeded to make the move to my new home overseas with my husband. No further contact. It was sad, and I will admit that. (I understand how the "betrayers" in affairs have a hard time leaving OM/OW--it is like the virtually death of someone very close to you!)<P>But I realize, too, that I am stronger than the "FOG" that comes over people's eyes when they become involved. I am not perfect, but I know what is wrong and what is right, and I know how to pray for strength to do right.<P>Also, I know that the grass always seems greener somewhere else at times. True love is not trying to get with the "best" person. It is about BEING the best person YOURSELF and loving who you are with, despite their imperfections.<P>When I discovered the EA, and my husband were talking about it, I confessed that I understood what he was going through only because of my friendship with this lovely man. Guess how my husband reacted--with jealousy!! He said "Did you love him? (yes, but not as a lover--a friend) Did you think that he was better than me? (not better--different)" My husband, the adulterer, was jealous!<P>Looking back, I am glad that I was tempted, too. It helps me deal with the EA because I can identify the feelings that I did not act upon but still experienced.<P>I understand that FOG very mich. It is a real thing--a very bad thing. Please try to understand your wayward spouses.

F2--<P>Wow, your post really surprised me!!! I am so glad to see you in this frame of mind. You GO, guy!!!<P>Kathi