My husband and I are working very hard and successfully at rebuilding our marriage after several months of damage, and finding out he had an affair with an old girlfriend from high school that sought him out for a confidant about her very unhappy and verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I worked for a large corporation, and traveled a great deal = he was a Mr. Mom, both at our mutual agreement, however we quickly found out that neither one of us liked what we were doing. Anyway, we drifted apart, and he became obsessed with her. She would e mail him, and then call him all day long while I was away. Found out that it had become more. When I confronted him with all of my facts, he finally stopped denying the affair --- claimed that she was someone very very special to him, and he worried about her. She was shy and quiet and sweet and unassuming and was easily hurt --- and her H was a real big Jerk ---- Once confronted with the choice of me or her -- he struggled, however, with coaching from the therapist, he did readily agree to stop seeing her. However, I have since found out that she is continuing to e mail him --- first little love e mails, that he has stopped at my request, and now she calls him on a fairly regular basis during the day --- on his cell phone. Leaves a message for him to call her back, or calls and talks. He states that she just needs someone to talk to, however, I feel that in her mind, the relationship is still continuing and she enjoys the clandestine part more. Also, I did confront her on the telephone about the affair and all that I had, and she was by no means that sweet little demure woman he described. On the other hand, she dished it out as good as i did --- and I am good !<P>What is this attraction ? Why will she not leave my marriage alone ? Why does my husband not see she is obsessed with him still ? She sought him out, began the communication process, and encouraged him, since he felt that I did not need him and she did. I have still caught her riding by here to see who is at home, and she has called several times to see if he is on the system or is at home --- hangs up after she listens to me ask who it is for a moment. I have promised my husband that i would not do anything to hurt her -- however, with the situation as it stands, when do I get the consideration he is asking of me for her ? When do I stop getting hurt ? He finally committed to me that he would ask her to please stop calling him --- but how can I be sure that another way will not come along ?

rhmama,<P>It will be awhile. He sees many things about her I suspect. She is filling many needs in him right now it seems. Do you know what they are? If so you might want to consider them carefully.<P>I suspect she sees him as a safe haven and recalls to her the "good ole" HS days. You are battling fantasies and the realization that he apparently isn't real happy with the marriage.<P>You really cannot control her calling, but I'll bet he is flattered that she is "obsessed" with him. Probably feels good to him, someone wants to talk to him. <P>I take it that your work schedule is pretty demanding. You mentioned that neither of you liked what you were doing. Have you made any changes so that you two are happier with life? It seems to me that your problem is not really the HS GF, but your H's take on the state of the marriage.<P>Focus on him. He is the one taking the calls and emailing in response to her. If he doesn't feel the need to communicate you won't have to worry about how they may be communicating. I suspect from what you have said he feels a powerful need to be wanted and useful to someone and he isn't getting that need met by you.<P>I don't know that this has helped, but I would recommend that you think about trying Plan A on your H. You need to determine your role in the marriage and what his needs are. If you do, and not provide any love busters, I'll bet you can get your marriage back on track.<P>Hang in there and God Bless,<P>JL

Hi RHmama:<P>Did you ever wonder why all the OW are sweet, confused, abused, lovable, innocent, etc...but only to our H.<P>The rest of the world knows them quite differently...*****y, needy, determined and far from innocent. The blinders are self-imposed because they don't want to see, all they want to do is feel.<P>Sure, it's great to be the white-knight to someone and to be rewarded with admiration for being the hero.<P>Looks like one of your H EN is admiration.<BR>Maybe you need to work on that one...perhaps he won't be so vunerable next time if you can build up his ego a little.<P>Buffy <P><BR>

Another HS sweetheart? I swear I am sick to death with people finding "love" with friends from HS when they meet again. What is up with that? Do people just have some longing for the past. It's like they think that HS was so great because there was no responsibility. Well, that is over. Growing up means responsibility. Yes, my H got involved with an old HS "friend" Yes, she of course is wonderful, sweet, innocent, and was suffering from an emotionally abusive relationship with her H. They remet as she was going through the divorce process.<P>I am terrified now to see anyone I knew from HS. There seems to be some epidemic of HS relationships and e-mail. I guess it used to be you left HS and never saw these people again. Now, with e-mail you can communicate from long distances. People get to remembering "the good old days" and the special times they had with their HS friends. I do that too, but I also recognize that part of my life is over and it is time to move on.<P>I wish my H would stop living in the past. I think he does this more as he gets older. Maybe because he never lets anything else go, he can't let the past go either. Anyway, it will kill what's left of our relationship if it continues.<P>Your H will need to take a stand. He will need to actively seek to try and restore your marriage which means he will have to send a no contact letter and both of them will have to abide by it. You H and the OW are in their selfish modes right now. They don't care about anything but making themselves happy. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Meet his needs. Find out what needs she meets that you don't. In my case it was admiration, affection, and sex. I admired my H, but he didn't know it. I missed the affection, but didn't know how to get it back again, and well, our sex life was just a mess (lack of sex drive due to medication and stress, needed to make love not just have sex, etc).<P>Anyway, I'm working on all of those. Now, the tricky part is for him to believe that I'm doing it because I want to. I can tell him until I'm blue in the face, but he still doesn't believe me. So, this is where the time comes in. I would like to believe that if I do these things long enough, I won't even think about them and neither will he. PDA won't be uncomfortable for me (it already is way less uncomfortable than it used to be), it will be natural.<P>I've rambled enough. It just brought up a lot of thoughts that I have been having lately. I really am sorry that your H is still in contact with OW. I hope that he is strong enough to put an end to that. You can help by filling the needs that she did. I mean, if you meet those needs, why is he going to need to talk to her. Perhaps he can refer her to a good therapist who will be a neutral third party. That is the best thing for her right now. And the best thing for you two. Investigate counseling. It will at least give you time to communicate effectively. good luck. Hang in there. It's going to be a rough ride.

Thank you all, and I have already begun to take each and every one of your's advice. Made a career change, with his overwhelming enthusiasm as a motivator --- I quit my job to stay home and be his wife, and mother to our children, and help him get his new business off the ground as his Admin/CFO/go-fer/you name it. We are enrolled in counselling and both of us are making great strides. What we have uncovered in our time together over the past 8-10 weeks has amazed both of us, and both know we have a way to go, but have every intention of growing old together. <P>He has such a tender heart, and does not want to hurt any one's feelings --- unless they have offended him unnecessarily. <P>since I have been home, I have catered to his needs, and he has more than catered to mine --- but we are laughing and enjoying the simple things in life --- more than I ever have ! <P>I just want her out of our life, so we can move on and heal. <P>I never knew I could love this man more than the day we got married, but I honestly do, and I feel he feels the same about me. <P>Just need to understand the why of continued clandestine communication ? <P>He has promised to tell her that it has to all stop, and I trust him to do this, for the very first time in our marriage --- which is a tremendous hurdle for us --- he never told the truth --- always either lied or danced around the issues. Now, he tells me like it is, whether I like it or not --- and it feels wonderful. <P>Dr Hartley's articles are on target, and agree with other literature I have read --- honesty is undoubtedly the best policy ! My asking to quit working because I hated the travelling, politics, not being home --- but most of all, not being with him ! The break point came about two weeks before I decided when I tearfully told him how difficult it is for me to have leave him, since he pampers me so, and then go out into the cold cruel world and become independent and strong and self reliant, and then have to come back and fall into his safe arms for such a short time, and to do it all over again --- I got to where I hated it, and then became totally self reliant to hide the pain --- I do not know who it surprised more -- him or me -- and that was the beginning