My daughter wonders why Mom spends so much time out partying with her friends instead of spending family time. What do I tell her?<BR>It's true...and it's obvious...so what do I do?

Geez John -<P>There can't be anything more difficult than when it comes to the kids....<P>Did your D really say "partying" or was that just the gist? She's only 6 or 7 right?<P>I went back and saw what Lostva had told you about what she told her D.....How any "people" in spouse's life are their friend.....<P>That was pretty good....<P>For this though, your D is asking you to explain her Mom's behavior....<P>I think that MOM should be the one to have to answer this.....and WITH you present.<P>So, I would tell her that you and her will ask Mommy.....<P>I would then tell your wife and allow her to prepare an answer....I would make it CLEAR that LYING is not an option and would help her formulate as honest an answer as possible for such a young one.<P>Do NOT allow any lying....avoiding is bad enough, but lying is detrimental to your daughter's mental health. Think about it, if her own parents lie to her, what should she expect from others? Why shouldn't she begin lying herself?<P>Those are not lessons you want instilled in her.<P>Your wife's confusion and wants don't win out over this one.....she MUST do right by her D.<P>Take a firm stand on this John.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Dear Sheba,<P>My daughter, who just turned 7, was at the 4 grade reading level before 1st grade. She is extremely intelligent and intuitive and knows exactly what her mother is doing. She has a little book, her diary, and it has all her friends and family phone numbers in it. <P>My wife went out last night, when I found out my wife lied about who she was with,(I know, because the person she was supposedly with was at home)I became sour in my facial expressions (Because my wife had promised not to lie anymore and said I needed to learn to "trust" her). My daughter picked<BR>up on my negativity without knowing the reason why. She didn't want to be around that, so she snuck a phone call off to Mom who told she was at Chevy's with "friends".<P>My daughter then said, "How come Mom is always off partying instead of spending family time?" She is always going out at night with her friends, doesn't she want our family to be together?"<P>My daughter has been introduced to a couple of my wife's "friends" and as I said, she is very intuitive, very much like me. If there was an undercurrent of a special relationship going on, comments made, etc. She would have picked up and these and has. In fact, I can almost predict when my wife has had a man over to her house when I ask my daughter what she did last night and she answers "I don't remember". My daughter remembers every word, every conversation verbatim. If she says "I don't remember", it's because she doesn't want to talk about it because she thinks it was wrong.<P>What a lousy situation to have to explain to my daughter. My wife just doesn't see what she is doing to her. Even though I have reminded her that my daughter remembers every conversation, she forgets, and has these conversations with her men/man <BR>friend(s).<BR>

I completely agree with Sheba. Your W should be held responsible for answering your daughter's questions, not you. Any answer you would give - even if it's the truth - might seem as though your are trying to bash your W and her choice of lifestyle. I think that you need to listen to your daughter's concerns and let her talk it out with you - having someone to listen and validate her concerns is the most important thing. I think that your daughter probably intuits why her mother is spending so much time away, however, like yourself, need a rational answer. I think the important thing for her to know is that it is not a reflection of her, and that she did nothing to drive mom away, or make her want to spend less time with her.<P>belld

John1960--<P>A topic too close to home. So many times in the past I have questioned my W's tendency to spend so much time with "other sex friends". Check my profile, and check out some of my posts from months ago. The questions that I asked are the same.<P>It's amazing how, at almost the first opportunity, my W siezes the moment to get together with her "friends". These "friends" are all either divorced, divorcing, separated, or single. The irony is that when our marriage was in great shape, we shared friendships with other couples and famiies. That's not to say that we didn't have single or divorced friends, but we shared more experiences and interests with the marrieds and families. <P>Like you, my interests range from fastpitch to basketball, and I've coached my kids in both. I have a 12 yr old D and a 10 yr old S. Both are wise beyond there years. Both sense the tension in the household, and both have a tendency to be a bit more "clingy" these days.<P>My challenge right now is that my D is approaching the teenage years. Besides the usual rebellious stuff around the corner, her life tends to draw her closer to her mom, and away from me. A lot of my W's "friends" have connects to fastpitch, where my daughter spends a great deal of her time. There kids are teammates and buddies. Therefore, it's almost impossible to avoid this group of people.<P>I also enjoy the game, used to coach (as did my W), and spend many hours at tourneys. But, I cannot avoid this group.<P>My W clings to them. At first sight, her "friends" all seem to meet, then move off into the outfield or down the foul line, off in their own little worlds. I never felt so much like I'm having to compete for time with my W.<P>It is also troubling to see her eyes light up when she gets together with these friends. It used to be that way with me, but no longer. After 16+ years of marriage, we cannot even sit next to on and other.<P>Sorry, I'm ramblin'<P>Back to you. Watch what you say to your D. You don't want to get her caught in the middle of this mess. You W will blame you for "putting words in her mouth". I know my kids questioned my W's drinking habits, and I was blamed for "creating an issue" with my kids. If they notice it, what else do they see?<P>Kids are brighter than we normally give them credit for. Be there for support, and try to avoid anything that may get misinterpeted (sp?) as using them as a weapon against your spouse.<P>I'll try to check back on Monday afternoon, PST. Good luck.<P>--keystone