Hi all<P>Have I got some news. I was so excited that I am not going nuts now I know the truth.<P>I was reading a responses from you guys to "disgusted" and it made begin to think what the hell is going on with my relationship with my W. <P>She has been so argumentitive with me this past week and its been very difficult to be non threatening when I speak to her. She has been saying that she will never, never come home and that there is nothing she feels for me. <P>Alright I'll get to the point, I did some snooping and went to where she is staying with her girlfriend and went through her rubbish(trash). I found a business card from her work with a name and home phone number of a co worker. It was so easy to get the address. <P>I WENT THERE TONIGHT AND THERE WAS MY W's VEHICLE PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY<P>Ive caught her out, Ive caught her out, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. She has been such a ***** to me lately and I know why, she has been shagging her co worker.<P>How long do these relationships last? She has to keep it a secret from all her children and friends and relatives. When we begin a relationship we all try to seek approval of their partner from those close to us. What can this do to a relationship if they have to keep it a secret from everyone. Has she plans to hope that the relationship will last until she can get a divource and then introduce this person as a new partner.<P>So what do I do now. Oh I wanted so much to go and knock on that door and see the look on her face. I didn't do it and what to think on this next move. <P>The rollercoaster ride is begining to be enjoyable at this stage. I know that there is going to be one hell of a stop coming soon. <P>I want to plan this so well to destroy this relationship and need your help. Please give me some ideas.<P>My first thought was to hire a PI and get the dirt on both of them. Maybe put the pressure on them by concerned anonymous co worker who would notify the boss if they dont stop. I could throw the info at her and tell her want I want for a change.<P>So what shall I do is the question?????????<P>T<P>

Hi tinman...<P>Not sure if I know your story...but you said quite a bit here.<P>Your last line was this:<P>"tell her want I want for a change"<P>I guess my question for you would be: "What do you want?" <P>Yes...you 'caught' her. Your worst fears and worries have been confirmed. You got the 'dirt' on her. So now what? I'm sure this is devestating and heart-wrenching. I can only imagine the range of emotions you are going through. But I can assure you this...the pleasure and satisfaction you will achieve from going down the path of revenge will be short lived. <P>Do you want your wife back? Do you believe there is any hope for your marriage? If so...then lay your stones down and give up the notion of blasting her with them. It won't help matters. And if there is no hope for the marriage...then lay the stones down anyway...and turn and walk away. Work on healing yourself...and being there for your kids. <P>Just my two cents worth...I haven't posted here in awhile...but saw this and wanted to respond. I have this theory. People who end up in affairs...were hurting before they got there. ANd while there is some pleasure of diversion in the midst of the affair, there is increase pain that comes from guilt and confusion. Adding more pain in retalitation only makes it worse. And people who are in pain...when confronted or attacked..tend to go on the attack mode themselves...to protect themselves. <P>Just be 'wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove."

nomas<P>Thanks for your reply.<P>I have been working very hard on our partnership since we separated. I recieved nothing but redicule,lies and more lies, deciet, bad mouthing, and worst of all my W has not been here for her own children. She has used them to get at me. I have tried to create no LB's and told her that I would always be there for her as she means so much to me.<P>When I found out about the first A I was willing to forgive and maybe not forget as time will only help that. Now on the second within 6 months what am I supposed to think.<BR>That it is me the one that has the problem and make the best of what I have. Well at this stage I have had enough she was the one that has made no attempt to even speak to me on reasonable level to bring the problems we have had to the surface and dicuss what we may be able to do to have some future together.<P>I feel that she will forever run and hide from her responsibilities and keep up her conflict avoidence.<P>All I would want is for her to be the person I knew and loved before she decided to move in an opposite direction in our relationship.<P>I have been siting in the background for the past three months supporting my children and the upkeep of the home with no support from her. Yes it hurts when I have been doing everything for my family, going to a counsellor, reading more than I have ever on relationships and there problems, self esteem and anything I can get my hands on.<P>I feel that she is in a fantacy land and may never see the light in what she is doing to those around her. At present she seems content to destroy what we have achieved with our family, our relationship and the the home we have dreamed of. What is it that she has gained, some idealistic notion of what a relationship is about. All relationships are built on openess and trust.In the present relationship she is having she is hiding it from everyone and the lies will benifit no one.<P>Am I supposed to wait and pick up the pieces when her world comes tumbling down? After all the disappointments I have recieved I doubt very much at present that I will want even try. I live at present on the hope that she recieves what she deserves after what she has put all of us through.<P>After 22 years of marriage I did expect something better than this.<P>Can somebody please fix this broken heart that has ripped out of my chest and stomped on so badly and is thrown back at my face.<BR>This pain seems to be never ending.<P>tim

timtam -<P>I just had to respond to this post. As a BS, let me tell you know that blasting her about her affair will not work. After I came clean to my H (even though he sensed something was wrong), the added name-calling and bashing did little to help me. Here I was finally coming clean, telling him something was very wrong with me and all I got was antagonistic behavior from him.<P>I ended my PA before my H came back from his overseas duty and was in constant pain from what I had done. Your wife's fog will lift. It may take a while, but please don't embark on any holier than thou missions. It simply won't help. My next statement is to leave revenge out of it. My H decided to have what I call a 'revenge affair' after learning about mine, and after getting tired of my inability to open up and be the wife I once was. It's been 1 1/2 months since d-day and I'm struggling more with my own guilt from my actions as well as the hurt from his. <P>I can't tell you how to get rid of the pain except for a good cry and keeping a journal. Read everything you can from this site and post until you get tired. Unfortunately your W hasn't come to the realization of what she has done yet. When she does, be prepared for her to be angry at you. Why - it's just one of those things. I was very angry at my H for leaving me alone. Try to understand where her anger is coming from. That'll give you some insight as to why and the road to fixing your marriage.<P>Good luck!<BR>Vee