I wasn't planning on telling him this weekend, but he alraedy sensed very strongly in his spirit what was going on. So I decided to tell him the truth about everything: the affair, the sexual paraphenalia and everything. He was more hurt and upset than angry and although today is only Day2, he is getting angrier by the second. <BR>I don't know what to do. He has asked me what do I want and I requested a divorce. Not to be with OM, but because I just don;t want to be with anyone right now. Part of me feels that something canbe worked out between my H and I, but when I think about the process, I become hopeless. <BR>My H is a very good man and I pray that he will be able to trust again and love again. I hope I did not mess him up for life. <BR>Right now I need to start working on me. I know that I am the betrayer, but if anyone has any words of encouragement I would really appreciate it. What should my next steps be? I will be married 3 years come this Thursday, August 3rd. How do I go abotu getting a divorce or an annulment?<P>Thanks for your help and support.<P>------------------<BR>Philly

((((((Philly)))))))))<P>Philly,<BR>You have done the right thing gal! I know how you feel we have all been in your shoes. If your H is a good man then stay there. I felt the very same way. I wanted to be alone. The thing is. You need H more now than ever.<P>My H was very very hurt and angry. I have to tell you it has been 7 months since d-day (discovery). I am so glad that I came clean and told about the affair that I was having. <P>I still have bad days on occasion. But over all it is getting better and better. <P>Can I ask what made you have the affair? My A was from lonliness. I was just wondering<P>God Bless<BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Hi Philomena:<P>Congradulations!!! It took courage to tell your H what has been going on. Of course he's angry and it will take some time for him to calm down but he will.<P>Meanwhile, don't do anything rash. Certainly don't throw away what support and understanding you might be able to get from your H if you just give him a little time.<BR>You said yourself he is a good man...give him a chance.<P>A divorce or an annulment might be a quick solution...but is it for the best? Maybe it's time you turned and faced your problems and quit trying to run from them by living in fantasy. After all is your problem you or is it your H? Will a divorce solve this?<P>I think you've begun to face your problems by telling your H. Don't quit now..you're fighting for your life.<P>Buffy<P><BR>

Philly -<P>I just wanted to say hang in there. Don't rush into any decisions right now - because you're not thinking clearly.<P>As a WS, I know what you're going through. You feel like you've hurt your best friend, forsaken your marriage vows - you feel sad, lonely, maybe a little unwanted and worthless. I went though all of that too. '<P>I felt miserable like I hurt the one person who ever really loved me, and that was difficult to deal with emotionally. There were times I wanted to leave - so that he could find someone better, someone who deserved his love and kindness. There were times that I just couldn't understand why he would want to be with me - after all that I had done to him.<P>It's been about 4 months since I told him about my affair. Yes, he was hurt and upset. But the thought of leaving me and living life without me never even crossed his mind. <P>From your post, it sounds as if you want to leave and divorce your H - because HE would be better off without you. I think he should be the one to decide whether or not he wants to work through this.<P>The process of healing does take time and effort, but it is not hopeless. My H and I are both working hard to try and restore our marriage - one day at a time. At the beginning - where you are now - I didn't have hope either. I knew what I had done was wrong, I knew I needed forgiveness, I thought I wanted to leave and I didn't know if I wanted to be with the OM or just be alone.<P>Fortunately, I told my H about the A, he forgave me and he was willing to do whatever is necessary to rebuild our love/marriage. Over the past four months, he has been very loving and patient with me.<P>This past weekend, for example, I was going through a very bad moment where I wanted to leave, spend some time on my own, get away for a while. So, I told my H how I was feeling. I know I don't want to be with the OM, but it was like I didn't want to be around my H either. Why? Well, first, I guess I still feel guilty about what I had done (having a hard time forgiving myself). And I also felt like there was still something missing from our marriage. I know my H loves me, and I love him, but somehow there's something missing to connect those two loves together.<P>BUT, I have hope that we will be able to bridge that gap and reconnect in a way that is stronger. But it takes time. Last night, my H and I had a long heart-to-heart conversation and we talked at length about HOW we can go about "feeling better about us."<P>I guess the only advice that I can give you is to try and work things out with your H first. Right now, I would rather be struggling through my emotional issues with my H, than without him. Without my H's support - standing beside me, to help me when I fall - I think I would be in a far worse place.<P>Talk to your H, ask him what he wants. If you truly want to try and work things out, you have to give it a shot. Don't run from your problems - they will only continue to haunt you. Your worst fears will become even more unbearble if they're filled with regrets and "what ifs."<P>What if you had stayed with your H? What if you could get through all of this with him? What would life be like with your H? To be honest, I think you need to try first, and then if it fails, at least you wont have any regrets. <P>Right now, you feel like you need to figure out how you feel, who you are and where you want to go. I can tell you from my own experience, that it's normal to feel that way. The only thing is, when you got married you promised to be with your H through the good time and the bad. He made the same promise to you. So, you should try to uphold that promise and figure out these things together. <P>It's like pushing a huge wheel barrel up a hill. When you have one person, yeah, you sweat and push, and push and push and eventually you MAY reach the top of the hill. But if you get someone to help you push that wheel barrel, instead of one person doing all of the work, you know have two, and the load becomes much lighter, easier to bear. Sure, even with the two of you pushing, you may never reach the top of the hill, but at least you'll know you tried. And what if you do make it to the top - together - wouldn't that be nice.<P>You're going through a very confusing time right now. Yes, it does get better, trust me. Try not to make any fast decisions and really talk to your H - see if you can work on your marriage together. If at all possible, I would not pursue a divorce or annullment until you AND YOUR H are absolutely sure that you cannot reconcile.<P>Right now, it sounds like there's a possibility that things could work out - why not take that chance??<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited July 31, 2000).]

I don't have much encouragement other than to say you're not alone in how you feel. I too feel I just want to be alone quite often. however, I know my H is a good man. He has shown me over and over again how much he loves me and has been very supportive. (D-day was in Feb.) I've been depressed for a while and the EA I had made it much worse. I decided months ago that I wouldn't make a decision to leave for at least a year partly for my son (he has one year of high school left) and partly because I need to get past this depression before making any major decisions. <P>If you really feel that you need to be alone for a while to pull your thoughts together, perhaps a temporary separation would be a good idea. Then after you've had time to process everything you can decide whether a divorce or reconciliation would be best.<BR>

Philly-<P>I, too, know what you are going thru. I was also the betrayer in our marriage. It has been almost 3 years since the discovery and I am so grateful I stayed. We had been married for 7 years at the time. Right now you are just confused and scared, I know I was. I don't know why you had your affair, but I was lonely and feeling rejected. My H and I had NO communication!! Once I came clean, though, and told him everything we were able to work it out. He was very hurt and very angry for a long time. The thing that saved us was his insistance that we go to counseling. Thru our counselor we read Dr. Harley's books and really started working on the real problems in our marriage. Without the counseling I doubt we would have made it. The process is long and the process can be painful, but it is so worth it in the long run.<P>I guess what I really want to say is that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. While it feels right now that you can never regain the love and affection you had at the beginning of your marriage, I can tell you that you CAN!! And it is even better than before! Hang in there and continue to be honest with him and allow him to be honest with you. As much as it hurts, you need to know how he feels.<P>Prayers...<P>imadeit

Welcome <B>philomena</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It is really meant for BOTH Wayward and Faithful Spouses (WS and FS).<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Congratulations on doing a very difficult thing... "telling your H"...<P>Now about the rest...<P>If you need protection from your H's anger...<BR>...yes time alone is what you need.<BR>If there is no need for protection...<BR>...consider showing him all the right signs....<P>1. Start on an immediate a very strong Plan A... (it applies to both WS and FS as well)<P>Read all you can from here on this forum... and until you get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... here are some basics...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>2. Consider counseling...ASAP and if at all possible... get him into it as well...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>3. Stay on this forum!!!<P> <P>Jim