Hi everyone!<P>I have posted once before explaining my current situation. My 28 yr old wife left me in April for her discontent in the marriage, and above everything else, for another man, married with two kids.<P>She has made little effort that I know of to come back home, insisting to me that she will only come home by choice, not by obligation. I have pretty much cut off all contact with her. She has been calling me about once a week for the past month about very trivial things, such as mail, insurance info, and one call that I screened, she said to me that there was "no message."<P>During the separation we have traded angry comments. She has yet to file for divorce, yet is showing no signs of coming home. We have no children.<P>I am familiar with Dr. Harley's His Needs Her Needs and How to Survive an Affair. <P>My question to you is, what is my wife waiting for? She could have filed months ago but has not. She has no desire of returning home, either, yet has not come by to get her things. Is this truly an exit affair, or is this a bunch of confusion that so many of the wayward spouses show? I would appreciate any and all opinions and input. Thanks!<P>Travis

Travis,<BR>I have no explanation for your wife's behavior but I didn't want you to think you were alone out here.<BR>If she hasn't filed for divorce, perhaps she doesn't want one. She may be confused about what she really wants. Maybe you should just stay cool(easier said than done) and leave the ball in her court and see how she plays it.<BR>Hang in.

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 08:46 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Travis,<P> Could be many things... she could be waiting to see which side will have the greener grass, so to speak. As in, keeping her options open.<BR> She could not have the money needed to file for divorce. <BR> She could be completely lost and just not know what she wants to do next.<P> I'll give you an interesting little bit of info... cheating husbands *rarely* leave their spouse for the OP. Especially with children involved. If she is waiting for him to leave his wife, your wife could be in for a *very* long wait, indeed. I lurk on TOW board, and have seen this scenario countless times... "Oh when will he ever leave his wife?!" This goes on and on and on.<P> Just wanted you to know you were heard.<P> Mynabird

Thank you for the replies.<P>I don't think money is an issue about filing with her because I know that her parents would help her out, or that she would get a loan.<P>Confusion is my guess, and an avoidance to want to come home, because guess what, Travis just might have changed for the better, and she would have a difficult time admitting that!<P>She is hanging out with a couple of teenagers at her work, she's 28. To me that smacks of desperation and loneliness. When I went to see Chicken Run last week, her first question to me was who did I go with? If she wants a divorce, what does she care?<P>I see this as a mid life crisis in her at an early age. All of the signs of it are there.<BR>She also had many things happen at once...new job, new "friend", and a depressed Travis all in the same month. Too much for her to deal with, so she runs away a couple of months later.<P>Last night I reread chapters 5 and 6 from How to Survive an Affair. In his example of Sue and Jon, Sue is not sure she completely wants a divorce. Jon doesn't know that. Travis doesn't know that about his wife. It is frustrating when you are on the spouses time clock. I feel like I have no control, except if I want to end the marriage.<P>I also think pride and embarrassment might be getting in her way of returning to me, or even the thought of returning to me. It is tough, and she wants the easy way out, at least right now. To her the easy way out is divorce. However, she will realize that divorce will not solve her problems. People's general happiness or unhappiness is with themselves, in their own heads, not because of their partners.<P>I could use some more feedback on this topic. I have been fearful of an exit affair, but she has not shown any signs of it, as far as getting her things, filing for a divorce, etc.<P>Thanks for responding,<P>Travis