OM drives by all the time. 2-3 times a day sometimes. Last night I saw him in a shopping center parking lot and he saw my W'S van and he stopped to see who was driving and a little while later while I was at my IL's house he drove by 3 times and i lost it in front of my FIL. I want to get an order of protection but what good will that do? I see him more than my W does and it's starting to get to me. It's physically taring me apart and it's causing me to push my W away again. OM comming around doesn't seem to bother my W. She has the abillity to ignor it but I don't. I got the line I love you but I'm not in love with you again. I think part of the reason she feels this way is because of the way I act when it comes to OM but I can't seem to control my feelings. I feel like I'm always in compitition with him. <BR>Even though she said what she did she is still willing to work on us. WHAT DO I DO TO DEAL WITH THIS? PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!PLEASE

I know how you feel!<P>I'm not sure I have any advice, except to recognize that OM's behavior isn't always connected to what your relationship with your wife is! Separate this issue.<P>And I would also decide if your wife is feeling an empty lovebank as a result of thoughts of OM or your lovebusters. <P>Remember the goal.<P>My H OW's mother lives across the street in a town of 152. OW lives around the corner with boyfriend. <P>I remember a comment made a few years ago, about how my H wouldn't commit - so OW went and got a boyfriend..... hmmmm.....<P>But she still continues to drive by - especially if my husband and the workers are outside working on the house. <P>We run into OW too often for me.<P>And now, X has moved into town, and she is far to close for comfort as well.<P>I know how you feel very well, but be careful you do not lovebust and undermine your goal.<BR>

I've had the same thing happen. The OW has started showing up at the store I frequently go to around the same time everyday. I believe she's either A) trying to provoke me into saying or doing something that she could report to my H (he has a new cell phone/pager and she doesn't have the number. She knows our home phone but has never dared to call it - this would give her a reason to call the house)or B) provoke me enough that I mention seeing her to my H which might cause him to call her if for no other reason than to tell her to knock it off. So, I've chosen to ignore her and not mention ever seeing her to my H. If she ever tries to speak to me (we have never spoken), I'll just tell her I have nothing to say to her, she means nothing to me and walk away. (don't get me wrong, I would really prefer to spit in her face, but I don't want HER to feel her existance means anything to me!)<P>If you could somehow try to ignore the OM, let him see that he is of no importance to you, he may stop coming around. Your wife is with YOU. Plan A her to death! Don't mention seeing the OM - it will just cause her to think about him!<P>just my 2 cents....<P>

Depressed H,<P>What you describe doesn't sound that unusual. (I apologize as I'm not sure what your various initials stand for; "IL's" and I forget the other one.) <P>Your wife is being HONEST with you when she says that she, "loves you but is not IN love with you". Don't get angry with this honesty because, in reality, it can become the LIFELINE that will protect your marriage in the future. But only IF you will ALLOW such honesty to be shared without punishing her--though you WILL FEEL LIKE PUNISHING her, at times. <P>I read Harley's book, "SURVING AN AFFAIR" which is BRILLIANTLY written, I might add. He used a real-life counseling situation of a wife who had an affair, left her husband, moved back home asking her HUSBAND to move out, got DUMPED/cheated on by the Other Man, then she asked her husband to come back to work on the marriage and their recovery process is the "focal point" of the book. Talk about feelings of BETRAYAL!!! Her husband must've wanted to RING HER NECK, at times!!! <P>From my own past affair, the emotions Harley described is very accurate. UNPLEASANT...but VERY accurate (at least from the female-vantage point of adultery). In this book he shared about how this couple began applying his principles to rebuild their "practically dead" marriage. At one point Harley made reference to the wife beginning to "FEEL" love for her husband but that it was "gone" the next day. She honestly told her husband of "where her FEELINGS were AT"--as to "feeling IN love with him" or not along the way. She did so because they BOTH realized from Harley's help that this was NORMAL. They EXPECTED that as they met each other's needs, with time, more positive FEELINGS would "surface". They even EXPECTED those "feelings" to WANE before they'd "come back to the surface" again. But they were both COMMITTED to consistently continuing to MEET EACH OTHERS MOST IMPORTANT NEEDS. By doing so they KNEW they'd make enough "love deposits" that those feelings would eventually be MOST of the time, instead of only SOME of the time. <P>The MAIN POINT is the past-adulerous-wife was STILL AROUND--still COMMITTED TO THE MARRIAGE--as they sought to rebuild those good "feelings" by working to meet each other's MOST IMPORTANT NEEDS. Your wife is COMMITTED to WANTING to feel "IN LOVE" with you, again, if she's around. Please try to see this as her PLACING VALUE ON YOU MORE THAN the OM. THAT is a good thing, you know?!? I hope you will find a sense of hope in that. <P>Robin