Well on my last posting I revealed that I realized I was being prideful and that I realized that I just needed to let her know that I loved her and wanted her. Well I've been doing that. We've actually made love twice; however, she still routinely sees loverboy and even stays over every few days. She saw a counselor yesterday; supposedly the counselor told my wife that she holds tremendous hatred towards me. She blames me for everything (not sure if the counselor said it was justified?) and that my wife needed to learn how to forgive for her own good. Anyway, she left the counselor's and was gone until around 1am this morning. During this time I was trying to call her to 1. see if she wanted to have dinner with the family and 2. see if she was going to be home in time to watch the kids while I went to work the following morning! Her cell phone was off so... folks I probably did a no no, but this crap is stupid! I took the kids to my parent's to watch today. Well when she arrived she got pissed and said I should have KNOWN that she would be home in time. In all truth I suspected she would, but dammit she has to at least communicate with me on that level... common courtesy!<BR>Anyway... I'm venting and have come to some conclusions. <P>Over the past week I've been trying to make love deposits.. we've actually made love 3 times.. I've listened to her talk about how wonderful loverboy is... how horrible I am... and that this is all my fault. I don't let her totally 'grind' me down; I let her know my opinion and let her know that I respect her opinion even though I don't agree with it. At one point she said she was leaning towards me, but then of course ran off to loverboy. We've actually made love 3 times since D-Day. I love her deeply, but I don't think I can take this much longer. I realize that I am simply SHARING my wife with another man. I'm sorry folks... its just wrong. The whole concept repulses me. My wife is starting to repulse me.. the fact that she willingly does this. Things are now aggrevated by the fact that I asked her to read "Surviving An Affair"... she's read much of it and admits that she is amazed at its accuracy. It excited me that she read it... but then I saw something that cut me to the core. She began using this knowledge to have her cake and eat it too. She argues that the man in the book who's wife had an affair was loving and understanding... that he let her go off and pursue the other man and promised her that he would be there waiting for her should she ever decide to come back. She says I should do the same that the guy in the book waited over 2 years... that if I truly love her I will do the same! Since I am not financially stable as the man in the book (he put his wife in an apartment until she finally came back and booted him out of his house to be with the kids) my wife advocates that I move in with my parents... she will stay in our house with the kids... we will both pay (she works, makes almost as much as me) the usual bills... I will see the kids as if we were divorced (1st 3rd 5th weekend; every Wed night; truth is I'd probably get them almost every weekend because she works weekends except for every other Sat.). You see this way she gets loverboy and a nice somewhat stable life. Sorry folks, call it pride if you want but no can do. My wife is one troubled puppy. She's going to pull the whole damn family down if I let her. <P>Here is my argument. I love this woman... I always will. I realize now that our relationship has really never been one that is equally yoked. At times I feel more like her father or big brother than her husband. She has a lot of growing to do... I do to. I know I cannot tolerate sharing my wife. She would probably gladly go along straddling the fence... nibbling on me... nibbling on him... until he got tired of it or I did. Of course if she tired of him or he tired of her I would get MY CHANCE... but I'm realizing that under those circumstance I don't want my chance... I could never respect someone with that degree of selfishness... I DO deserve better... oops, hang on...<P>She just called... wants me to move out for awhile... decision time.<P>Here are my feelings. We were always financially tight... she's been spending without regard lately and I've slacked off monitoring the finances as I should... we are now in deep crap financially. As I see it I have to go to a plan B, but not your typical plan B. My wife needs to see reality, she needs to grow up for herself as well as our family... I need to improve also. She is going to pursue loverboy no matter what... I do not doubt that now. Based on our recent phone conversation she's leaning towards a seperation or divorce. <BR>It's probably going to come down to a divorce... I want it to be amiable and I will be more than fair. I'm going to advocate that we sell the house... take what proceeds we get from that... put her and the kids up in a house she can afford with the 50% of bills she will be responsible for and the $920 a month I would have to pay for child support should we get a divorce. All I will ask of her is to be a good mother to my children... protect them. She will receive no grief from me as long as she meets that request. Should I feel my children are being harmed in anyway.. there is nothing in this world that will stop me from removing them from her... <P>She's angry with me now... things aren't going her way. Sorry. Sorry to any of you I might have disappointed. I understand the MB concept I agree with it to an extent... but every situation is unique. I honestly feel that our only chance at reconciliation will be to re-marry some years down the road should things not work out for her with someone else and she desire me as well as I desire her.<P>I truly wish her the best in life... I want her to become the whole person I know she can be... maybe loverboy can succeed where I failed. Please continue to pray for us... I want no bitterness... only healing.

<B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!<P>DO NOT MOVE OUT!<P>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><P>Get the picture?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Since I am not financially stable as the man in the book (he put his wife in an apartment until she finally came back and booted him out of his house to be with the kids) my wife advocates that I move in with my parents... she will stay in our house with the kids... we will both pay (she works, makes almost as much as me) the usual bills... I will see the kids as if we were divorced (1st 3rd 5th weekend; every Wed night; truth is I'd probably get them almost every weekend because she works weekends except for every other Sat.).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Why will you get to see the kids...?<P>Why wouldn't you have custody?<P>Do not get into divorce discussions. Right now you see it as the most likely option. Of course you do. You're hurt beyong the imaginable. However, it doesn't mean squat right now. You can go in the direction your "feelings" are telling you (divorce) or you can go in the direction of what works (MB methods.)<P>Calm down & for now, do not look at divorce as an option. Look at marriage as the best option. It is!<P>Icidentally, I spoke with Dr Harley on his radio show & he said the couple in the book are still together (more than 10 years later!) & doing far better than they ever were!<BR>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited August 01, 2000).]

Do not move out until you have consulted a lawyer! If you do it could have serious consequences with regards to your visitation.<P>She should be the one to leave you can continue to PLan A, but do nothing until you get legal advice.

Please don't move out!<P>Chris is right!<P>"...there is nothing in this world that will stop me from removing them from her..."...<BR><B>IT IS LATER THAN YOU THINK</B>...<P><B>STAY IN THE HOUSE</B>!<P>...your battle for your children and their future will be crippled... if not destroyed... if you move out!<P> <P>Jim

Fof2,<P>You don't sound prideful. This hurts, period.<P>But watch out for bouncing between extremes. I tend to think in terms of all or nothing too.<P>Divorce should still be a long ways off. But why should you move and let her have the house and kids? I know the guy did it in the book, and it worked out in the end, but you are facing a huge challenge of trying to apply general principles to your life.<P>I agree with Chris, DO NOT MOVE OUT. If she wants to move, you can't stop her.<P>Have you tried phone counselling with Harley? It really helped us a lot. Spend a couple of sessions talking it over before you make a decisive move.

fatherof2, <P>I wish you could see past the here and now.<P>Many of us guys have been in your shoes. Your situation is not as unique as you might think. <P>As Chris stated DO NOT MOVE OUT. Your chances for reconciliation drop significantly if you separate. No healing (as you stated) can be accomplished by separating. <BR> <BR>The fact that you and your wife are still making love is a VERY GOOD sign. Do not minimize this fact. Women rarely give themselves to a man unless they LOVE them. They are creatures with strong emotions and there needs to be a deep emoitional bond for physical intimacy to occur. As I told you previously, my wife and I went almost a year without sex. This has been a very difficult area to heal. Some other guys have gone much longer than I have, so please realize your wife loves you. <P>I don't think your wife is having sex with this OM (has she admitted to this?). It sounds like she is having a deeply emotional affair. This may or may not lead to a physical one but what you do in the next few weeks and months will determine its direction. <P>I know this is painful. I know how much it hurts to know she is seeing another man. I know the thoughts that run through your head. I know it seems your life is unraveling right before your eyes. I know that you want to throw in the towel on a daily basis and find someone who will treat you with respect. I also know that you can pull her back. I know you and your wife can have a better marriage than you ever thought possible. <P>If you don't want to do all the things we are trying to help you with for your self, then do them for your kids. <P>Hey, it's OK to vent. But, you vent here and only here. No lovebusters with your spouse. keep depositing those love units into her love bank EVEN IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY!!!!<P>You need to understand that you are reeping what has been sown for many years. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it is true. The seeds you are now planting will be harvested many months from now. You are a marriage farmer now - remember. It takes time for marriage seeds to grow. <P>We all played the manipulation games that you are playing. Those need to stop. Live each day with honor and integity. If you are depositing love units to get some in return - then stop it that will only frustrate you. If you are depositing love units because you love her, then keep it up. Those will benefit your marriage the most. <P>Her belittling you is part of the process. I listened to crap I did that hurt her 20 years ago that I didn't know hurt her. My suggestion is that you listen to what she says because she is actually revealing some important information to you. Apologize for the hurt you caused her. Don't let her run on about how wonderful someone else is - that serves no purpose but to hurt you. Simply tell her you don't want to be a part of a discussion like that and that you are working on being a better man, a better husband, and a better father. <P>Keep in mind the fact that you feel like a father or big brother to her right now is NORMAL too. Hey, YOU are the logical thinker right now. Her mind is in a fantasy world and she will say and do things to justify her affair as well as make an attempt to drive you away. <P>Listen closely now - if she can drive you away she can enter into a sinful relationship with a clear conscience. If you resist your natural urges to chuck it all and stick it out, she will come to realize that in order to continue in the affair she will have to be the one to break the marriage up. That's a heavy load to carry. God gave us all a conscience. Do not underestimate the power of guilt. Guilt results in doing something we know is wrong. God will work on her mind and He will use your loving actions to do His work. <P>You are no where near Plan B. I honestly do not think your wife is having sex with the other man. If she is and she continues in that sin for a long period of time in spite of your loving actions to heal your marriage THEN you go to Plan B. It's way too early right now. <P>Again, DO NOT SEPARATE. It is best for you, your wife, your marriage, and your kids. Remember, you are not just raising your kids. You are raising your grandchildren's parents. Show your kids that Dad is tougher and more loving than they thought possible.<P>Hang in there fatherof2, we are here to help you.<P>God Bless, <P>SHA <P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited August 01, 2000).]

Hi, Fo2,<P>I concur with the others - this is far from over. Don't throw in the towel, and don't move out.<P>I was involved in a very intense, long-term affair. More than once I wanted out of the marriage. My H was not aware of the affair at that time - except in an instinctual way that "something is VERY wrong" (I told him later). So as SHA pointed out, actually proceeding further w/ ending the marriage was firmly on MY head - and I never went further than scanning the want ads for apartments! It IS very scary to be solely responsible for ending it. DON'T make it easy for her.<P>I was in an affair because I was feeling unloved and unheard. Listen to SHA (who has been there) when he tells you to listen to your W because she is imparting valuable information to you.<P>Once the affair was really rolling along, I was, in a nutshell, completely out of my mind and incapable of thinking rationally. The addictive nature of it took over and completely dominated my life. I look back on my behavior now and can only shake my head and wonder "who was that person?" But that person existed for years, and it was very hard to find my way back.<P>One of the predominant features of an affair (and I think especially for a woman betrayer), is feeling *totally out of control*. It is agonizing emotionally - she may appear flip and uncaring to you, but it's defensiveness - I promise she is scared and hurting inside. The whirlwind, crazy upheaval of it is as scary as it can be exhilarating. It is most definitely a double-edged sword. <P>For me, I reached total emotional exhaustion within a few months, and all I wanted was *comfort* and sanity. This is where a good Plan A comes in. Your W *is* like a little girl right now - one that is having a major temper tantrum and has completely lost control of herself (if it were your teenaged kid, would you be so quick to throw them out?). She is mean, kicking, and screaming - but she desperately needs someone CALM, NONJUDGEMENTAL, AND IN-CONTROL to help her right now. Trust me, I know!<P>She needs to be told that you love her; that you are committed to HER and to making your marriage work; that you are capable of forgiving her (a biggie for women betrayers - the prospect facing their own shame is devastating and terrifying, which is why they are so rebellious & defensive). She needs the comfort of your presence and your routines as a family. She needs to feel that you are a rock, and that she can depend on you (she can't help but compare you, being a rock in the most awful of circumstances, with the boyfriend who would cheat w/ a married woman...). She is testing you!<P>I don't know if I have helped, but I wanted you to understand my experience as a former betrayer. I'd be more than willing to talk with you some more as you start making decisions. <P>Look, I can't guarantee that these methods WILL work - but it's by far the best shot you've got. If it doesn't work, you will be able to look at your kids, and look in your mirror, and know you did *everything* possible to save your family. But I really get a sense that she's not "too far gone". I couldn't stand to have my H touch me during my affair. The fact that you are still making love IS a good sign.<P>DON'T GIVE UP!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited August 01, 2000).]

Sir Hurts Alot your words ring with truth... but I am so confused. I've already told my wife that I would honor her request as best I can... probably stay at my parents a couple of days this week. I want to implement the MB Plan A concepts but to do so I have to open my heart to her and then everytime she runs off or talks about loverboy it just kills me. My survival technique is then to pull back a little... still show her I care and love her... but not become so emotionally tied to her... Is there a better way? I don't want to numb up and become cold. Then there is the side of me that, because I love her, wants her to be happy... maybe there is truth to what she says... that she doesn't know if she will ever be able to forgive me for hurting her all these years. Then there is the added financial complications. We depend on her income to make ends meet. She really doesn't want to participate in a budget, she spends money, i'm afraid to pay the bills because i'm afraid the funds won't be there to cover them, eventually i explode because of the stess and walla more LB'ing... it is a vicious cycle. We are in such deep crap financially... I fear we are going to have to sell our house no matter what. This opens up the perfect opportunity for her to 'set herself up' to get out on her own and figure what she wants. I guess I'm kidding myself by thinking the seperation route is inevitable and that God will keep us together somehow if it is to be? This concept appeals to part of me because it will enable her to grow and me to grow... but I see your point... we'll probably 'grow' apart. I'm so confused. I don't want to deny her her chance at freedom and happiness, but I would love to have my family back. And now if I 'change my mind' again and say no I won't move out that I want to make this work and that I love her... I'm just going to add to her confusion and I won't blame her for being pissed at me. Am I wrong for, in a weird way, WANTING her to pursue loverboy?... for realizing that if we are to make it it has to be a fresh start, possibly post loverboy? What to do guys? Any suggestions?

Sir Hurts Alot your words ring with truth... but I am so confused. I've already told my wife that I would honor her request as best I can... probably stay at my parents a couple of days this week. I want to implement the MB Plan A concepts but to do so I have to open my heart to her and then everytime she runs off or talks about loverboy it just kills me. My survival technique is then to pull back a little... still show her I care and love her... but not become so emotionally tied to her... Is there a better way? I don't want to numb up and become cold. Then there is the side of me that, because I love her, wants her to be happy... maybe there is truth to what she says... that she doesn't know if she will ever be able to forgive me for hurting her all these years. Then there is the added financial complications. We depend on her income to make ends meet. She really doesn't want to participate in a budget, she spends money, i'm afraid to pay the bills because i'm afraid the funds won't be there to cover them, eventually i explode because of the stess and walla more LB'ing... it is a vicious cycle. We are in such deep crap financially... I fear we are going to have to sell our house no matter what. This opens up the perfect opportunity for her to 'set herself up' to get out on her own and figure what she wants. I guess I'm kidding myself by thinking the seperation route is inevitable and that God will keep us together somehow if it is to be? This concept appeals to part of me because it will enable her to grow and me to grow... but I see your point... we'll probably 'grow' apart. I'm so confused. I don't want to deny her her chance at freedom and happiness, but I would love to have my family back. And now if I 'change my mind' again and say no I won't move out that I want to make this work and that I love her... I'm just going to add to her confusion and I won't blame her for being pissed at me. Am I wrong for, in a weird way, WANTING her to pursue loverboy?... for realizing that if we are to make it it has to be a fresh start, possibly post loverboy? What to do guys? Any suggestions?

fatherof2, <P>You are asking some great questions. I wish I had more time now to repsond but I have to run to sevral meetings. I will be back to respond in detail, hopefully some of the others will chip in their thoughts. <P>I will say this. I don't think there is anything wrong in being truthful about wanting to stay together. Staying with your folks may seem like a good idea, but it will put undo pressure on them. I would tell your wife "With our finances the way they are, it isn't possible for me to move out. I can't put the stress and strain of our family problems on my folks. I am going to stay here in the house. If you desire to move out, I can't stop you. I hope you don't. If it will ease tension, I will sleep on the couch or another room for a while. I think it is best for our kids and us that we stay together." Put this in your own words and tailor it to how you best relate to your wife. She may be pissed and confused again, but now is the time for honesty and committment. If the marraiage is going to break up, lay that burden on her. If she really wants out, she'll leave. You'd be suprised at how fast many people come back. Taking control of the situation will give you strength. Remember to be loving and honest. <P>My wife and I got to the point of finding an apartment for her and when it came down to actually doing it (her moving out) she decided against it for the kids sake. She hated me at the time (I mean loathed). But, by her staying, it gave me the opprotunity to show love and compassion on a daily basis. When she saw the changes in me were genuine, things got easier. It will take a LONG though, so be patient. <P>If your wife normally pays the bills, I suggest you start doing it. You are still a family and you both still have financial responsibilities as a family. If you need her income to survive, then you both need to know what is going on and how bad things are. I suggest you set up a plan a head of time on how your family can best get back on track. Larry Burket has some excellent books on finances and recovering from severe debt. <P>I'll be back to address your other concerns.<P>Try and relax a little. Make her dinner tonight and rent her favorite movie and just spend time together. <P>Take care, <P>SHA <P>

Well guys. The ball is off and rolling. She called to say she spoke with her lawyer and if we are willing to arrive at a mutual agreement we could use him and save some money. I can already tell that she is dead set at getting out on her own... sorry to say divorce is probably a done deal unless God has other plans. I plan that no matter what... I will still show love for her, an appropriate love that is. For some reason I always thought it would come to a divorce, I guess my heart just knows her. I'm not depressed about it though and I'm not throwing in the towel; however, I have to face reality. If an opportunity arises to pursue reconciliation, and my heart still desires her, I will take it; however, I have to be careful not to let her use my feelings for her in manipulating the situation. I know she is going to want everything to go her way... get the kids, get put up in an affordable house... I take the majority of the bills, etc. Basically her mentality is that since she has the kids I should sacrifice my lifestyle (live with parents) to see that their standard of living (and of course hers because she has them) is reasonably maintained. I must admit I feel guilt over the thought of demanding a reasonable 50/50 divorce. I don't want to try to get full custody because I believe she desires to continue to be a good mother and will keep the kid's interest at heart (somewhat) and she works only on weekends and would be able to watch the kids during the week; whereas, I work during the week and would be able to watch the kids on the weekends. I do get angry when I feel like she is threatening me with limiting my visitation to only that which the courts mandate (1, 3, 5, weekend, wed nights) whenever I mention that I want the divorce to be fair 50/50 on assets and 50/50 on debt... she says "ok we'll follow the court mandates"... hinting that my visitation will be restricted to only that which the court mandates.<P>What a mess guys. All I can do is try to be wary and wise, yet loving and caring. I'll probably use my own lawyer and seek fairness should she seek a divorce. Weird thing is I am at peace. It's like I understand the MB technique; however, I've known all along it has to come to seperation. When I pursue the MB technique there is turmoil with my soul; however, I have peace now.<P>Thanks for your help.<BR>Pray for us.

Don't hold your breath waiting for her to send you the papers. (And yes, <B>wait</B> for <B>her</B> to get them finished.) You don't need to assist her.<P>Also, I don't think you can use the same lawyer (or same firm for that matter) in a divorce. Conflict of interest & all that.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Don't hold your breath waiting for her to send you the papers. (And yes, <B>wait</B> for <B>her</B> to get them finished.) You don't need to assist her.<P>Also, I don't think you can use the same lawyer (or same firm for that matter) in a divorce. Conflict of interest & all that.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<BR>In a state that allows no-fault divorce there is no need for 2 attorneys unless the two divorcing parties cannot come to an acceptable agreement. If the parties agree on division of property and child custody, one attorney can present the case. The judge basically just approves what's already been done. Essentially it's as though one party to the suit is unrepresented.<P>This is all heresay. I am not an attorney and I'm not attempting to play one on the internet. My username should be disclaimer enough. <P>Slightly Sane<BR>

In which case, the "unrepresented" individual cannot get any advice from the lawyer except to get a different lawyer.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

fatherof2, <P>I'm sorry to hear things seem to be unraveling rather quickly. Keep in mind that all is not lost. There's always hope. <P>Eventhough you seem to be headed down a destructive path, eliminate lovebusters, show love through actions, and spend a lot of time on your knees in prayer (never underestimate God's power, purpose, or plans). <P>I would not share a lawyer - no way, no how. It is in the best interest of your kids that you do all you can to be a loving father. Your wife is setting into motion a chain of events that will be very heart wrenching for all involved. Live each day without regrets. Everything you do now will have lasting effects on your marriage. If your marriage does end (I hope and pray it doesn't - divorce is NEVER in God's will), your wife will know that you tried to keep your family together, that you were loving and compassionate during chaotic times, that you loved her in spite of her failings, and that you were a man of integrity that could be trusted. <P>If she continues down her current path, she WILL come to realize her sin, she WILL know she was the one to end the marriage, she WILL be forever filled with doubt because her new love is someone who messes around married women. There are a million things running through her head, DO NOT give her any reasons to continue with the divorce. <P>Be strong fatherof2, we're here to help.<P>SHA<P><BR>Get the book "Divorce Busting". <BR>

F2,<BR>Some good advice already provided, don't move out. Secondly get your own lawyer. They work for the person that paid them, that being your w so he is working for her best interests not yours.<P>Since she is already threatening visitation, go for custody yourself. Most states now are pushing joint parenting of some sort. Your goal if you can't save the marraige is to provide the best for your children.

Hi Fo2,<P>You've gotten some wonderful replies from some very wise folks here. I just felt compelled to add my opinion about seperations.<P>I agree with everyone that told you not to move out. Let here leave. There is no reason your childrens lives should be disrupted. I know you're trying to be a nice guy here, but why can't she be uncomfortable for a while sleeping on someone elses' couch?<P>Moving out does not need to be the end. Let her know you will agree to a seperation...in some states you can force her to go to counseling prior to divorce. Anyway, try to hold off on the divorce by initiating a seperation. If it makes you feel better to do it legally go ahead. In my state I've been told a legal seperation is not worth the paper it's printed on, so we didn't do one. There was really no need, as H has been very fair financially, and I have been very fair with him seeing the kids as much as he wants.<P>When my H left me 3 mos ago, he left with the intent of never returning home. I came here, cried on every shoulder I could find, and slowly began to learn how to change. I won't go into the whole story, but in TIME my H began to see the changes in me. We are a long way from being out of the woods here, but things are looking good for us. I never went into Plan B, but I don't call H, don't ask for anything. I needed to back off and give him space. He needed time to think without me pestering him with..."so, how do you feel about *us* today?" questions. I stopped that stuff...had to. I was driving him nuts.<P>Seperation does not need to be the end for you. It's interesting in your post, you seem like you have expected something like this to happen for years...and you seem almost relieved that it has, and now you don't have to worry about the possibility of it anymore. I can totally understand that. I too, subconsiously, knew in the back of my mind that this would happen someday. Weird, isn't it...almost a relief. I think that that just means that we are maybe a little better prepared to handle this situation than some here, whose spouses affairs came totally out of the blue. <P>BTW, you said you did a stupid thing when you took the kids to your parents when you had to work. I disagree. You did what you had to do, and showed your wife your independence. Continue to put those kids and their best interests first. Then YOU come second...and your wife comes third.<P>Hang in there...give yourself the gift of time. Cooler heads will prevail and then if you think it's time to call in the lawyers, you'll be ready for it.<P>allison

Fof2,<P>You have gotten very good replies, so will not repeat.<P>Just wanted to ask, why do you think you feel "peace" going on with the divorce??<P>I think, if it were me, it would be because you are DOING something. Waiting is enough to drive anyone crazy.<P>The LIMBO state of the marriage is very stressful. But think about the long-term stakes. Your marriage may stay in limbo for some time, but you can be working on your own plan.<P>I don't want to get into a major Biblical discussion, but I now believe that the concept often taught that the right thing to do is the one we have "peace" about is very misguided, based on misquoted Scripture.<P>As humans, we usually have the most "peace" when choosing the easiest option.<P>If you want to sign up for Plan A, and it takes real toughness, you must set your eye on the goal, and have a strategy.<P>Plan A is actually primarily for us anyway. All the changes I made in myself were ones I needed to make. Whether my marriage had healed, I would be a stronger person who could possibly go into another relationship down the road knowing I had done all I could.<P>Get your own lawyer, but don't rollover and give her the divorce if that's not what you want. She thinks it is what she wants NOW.<P>My h NOW says I am the best thing that ever happened to him. In the middle of this mess, it is the last thing I thought I would hear from him.<P>

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>