I've been trying not to pressure my H lately about his affair or what he's been doing. I'm trying to create a warm, loving environment at home so he wants to be there.(even though sometimes I feel like I'm almost rewarding him for having the affair) I've even tried to be more sexually open to him. AND he HAS been coming home earlier every night now from work, and he claims that he has not been online with her or sending her emails. He swears he's had no contact with her at all. But it all just seems too easy. <P>For someone who told me he thought he was a sex addict not two weeks ago, he now is saying that he realizes that he simply just can't go online anymore (to chat or look at Porn) and he has no desire to talk to her because he realizes that it was just a fantasy. Is it that simple to just give something that you were willing to risk losing your marriage over??<P>Now, at face value that sounds like all the right stuff to say, but should I believe it??? Something inside of me tells me that I shouldn't just accept it at face value because he has lied so much. He's been better lately about coming home early, yes. But I don't know if he talks to her on the cell phone at all or through voice mail. I found out you can leave messages on the voice mail that don't get recorded on the bill. I also found out that messages sent via computer don't show up on the bill either. So he could be contacting her that way or she contacting him.<P>But then this all leaves me with a feeling that if he really is making progress with this, my paranoia might ruin it. But I'm so afraid of being hurt again. See how I'm making myself crazy????

I know it's hard to trust. Unlike a lot of intelligent and insightful people here at MB, I can't think of good advise for you. But I can sympathize a whole heck of a lot. It might make you feel a little better that someone else can understand.<P>The one thing about this modern world, you can contact just about anyone simply by going on-line and leaving a message. Makes it so easy to keep that addiction going! So you have cause to keep worrying.<P>One thing that particularly disturbs me about my husband's affair is that it started cyber, got intensely physical for a couple of months, and then became cyber again (after he left her part of the country.) But he didn't stop at that. <P>Once he broke down the barriers of being faithful, I guess anything went. And on our PC, I have found such huge quantities of disgusting porn and cybersex dialogue in addition to the chat that he accumulated with his lady. I know that he had little cybersex buddies all over the world. The last thing that you want to think of the guy that you love is that he is a sick pup. (And I think this whole addiction to porn and sex dialogue is really sick. To me--it's still cheating because he is getting sexual gratification from women besides his wife.)<P>I told him that if he ever, ever touched the PC for anything other than getting the news or research for his job, that I would throw the whole thing off the balcony of the apartment building. But he is not a child, and I cannot watch him 24/7. I can't control who he talking to and looking at.<P>One day, a couple of months ago, he came home very late from work. I kissed him, no questions asked because I wanted to show my trust, and smelled beer on his breath. So, after the fact, he pulls this story out of his butt about a guy they were having a farewell party for and he stopped in for a few beers. So why couldn't he tell me all of this before? Why should I have to ask? (And why was he driving after "a few beers?" This EA business has caused him to be fearless.) I tried to keep it to myself how upset I was, but I am paranoid about where he was and who he was with, and he knows this, and it makes him feel defensive.<P>Gaining trust back is no easy feat. The secret is to not badger the poor guy with your paranoid feelings, I know. And he should try to be understanding that you have no reason to trust him--for awhile, anyway.<P>Does he adhere to Dr H's prescription for complete honesty in Surviving an Affair? I only read through it once; you know, about giving each other your schedule, e-mail addresses, ect? It makes sense to me that this would be the way to start to regain trust. Would your husband be interested in trying this? I thought at first that my H would not be interested because he is so into this "privacy" thing. But I think that husbands and wives should not keep any facet of their marriage "private" from one another. That's the only way to have a marriage. So, read that part of the book and see if your husband will too.

adamanteve,<P>In all honesty...<BR>...if your H has become the consumate liar<BR>...you won't know... or find out for a while!<P>But you know what?...<BR>It doesn't matter!<P>Keep going on with Plan A!<P>...and seriously... very seriously...<BR>consider counseling (preferrably ala MB concepts)....<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Plan A is represents the first 2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<P>Counseling (especially with the Harleys) can help both you and your H work through this...<BR>...by developing good skills...<BR>...and work on other 2 "rules"...<BR>...and of course develop a good understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>!<P>If your H is unwilling to do this...<BR>... i.e. counseling....<BR>...then you can question his true resolve to have a break from OW/online porn/etc.<P>...but go for the counseling on your own!<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim

Hi Bernzini,<P>Thanks for your post. It does help to know I am not alone. <P>As for the honesty thing, my H feels that I should have to ask him if I want to see his email, or if I want to read his mail. I showed him the Rule of Honesty and he got upset. He's always been weird about what he calls his "privacy". He did let me have access to his cell phone one night when I was paranoid, but that didn't reveal anything. Another thing to note about the email is that he tells me that the only way to get rid of it is to not access the account for 90 days. So, he says if *I* access the account, then it will restart the 90 days. So, see how he keeps me out of it??? Ugh.<P>I feel like he is still playing games. I mean, after all, I didn't know that he was having an affair for a bit, he was still being sweet and nice, so it's very possible he's covering again. It's just so frustrating not knowing!!<P>And JIM,<P>Our counseling together should start next week. We are going to his counselor. I have my own separate counselor that I've been seeing for at least 6 months for depression and panic attacks. My body was telling me something my mind didn't want to face for a long time.<P>If I could afford the MB thing I'd do it. We are a one income family, and we are deeply in debt due to my H's impulsive spending. So, we make due with what we have insurance for. My counseling has helped me, let's hope his helps him and ours will help us both.<P>Thanks to both of you!<P>

I have a question for you. You commented how your husband likes his privacy and it's hard for you to check up on him? Was he always like this in your marriage? I mean way before the affair? There are some marriages where the wife doesn't have a clue. Doesn't know what her husband makes, doesn't know what the bills are (because he pays them), doesn't have access to computer or voice mail codes. But, if you had a loving and sharing marriage before the affair and his "privacy" only started when the affair did then that might tell you something too.

Bonnie,<P>He's always been private about his things. I never really went into his stuff before because I trusted him. Part of the problem I've had with him is that he doesn't like to share everything, like I do. But this isn't really any different than usual. As far as I know it only pertains to emails and voice mail stuff. I see the checkbook and all the credit card statements, but in the beginning I didn't bother to look and then found out that he was buying porno access with the CC.<P>I think there are still thing he doesn't want me to know, I really don't think it's about his privacy as a person. I think it's more like "i don't want to get caught". <P>Thanks!

To me, it sounds more like not wanting to get caught too. The only time in MY marriage I was into "personal privacy" was when I had something to hide!<P>"Me thinks he doth protest too much" (a tip of the ol' fedora to Wm Shakespeare )<P>Don't be afraid to keep trusting those antennae of yours, Adamant Eve (*love* your nickname!). My H had a brief affair (also started cyber - part of the fallout from *my* affair)(a.k.a. "the gift that keeps on giving!") - I was paranoid too for awhile, and yes, found a few 'slips' in the no-contact... but you know, I could FEEL it when it was no longer neccessary to be paranoid. You will know it when he's ready to be truthful with you.<P>I'm sorry if this sounds bleak - just remember that the withdrawal thing is very hard - my own withdrawal involved a lot of slips & slides - keep chugging away, *keep talking* honestly to him (SO easy to clam up) - but don't feel insane if your little voices inside are still sqwawking. Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

My husband is so freaky about this privacy thing. I never, EVER touched his stuff before the EA. Now, I don't want to because I know that I will find things that will freak me out.<P>In our previous married life, the privacy thing was there, but hidden. I knew that he he demanded privacy, but the subject didn't come up too often.<P>Once, while being intimate (yes, I know this is bad.) I was being silly and decided to start a casual conversation about his past sex life (not specific partners.) He bristled up and roared: "That's none of your business!" Okay, okay. Never mind.<P>I guess what he did before we were married is none of my beewax. But what he did after--I mean, how do I know that his Lady was not with Pancho the Cockroach before she was with my husband. How do I know that she didn't have AIDS. Wouldn't that kinda be my beeswax?<P>Never mind that, too. My hubby carries so many issues that trouble him from his past--also none of my beewax. Things that hurt him very badly. I wish so badly that he would confide in me. I would not mock him. I would not judge him. It would help me to understand him, to know him better, if he would confide in me. I thought that is what a marriage partner was supposed to do for you--be your confidante and friend. <P>But no--his life is private and I, as his wife, am the #1 threat to his privacy because I am the one who is closest to him. I see all of his unpleasantness and temper.<P>I know he would change his life if he got some of his secrets off his chest; if not to me, then to someone he trusts (but then again, he trusts no one.) Is this any way to live?

Bernzini,<P>Girl, you describe exactly what I am feeling!!! I share EVERYTHING with my H and always have. I feel like if he knows my past, he knows me better. And so I want to know him better and want to know things about him. I want that true intimacy. Yes, there are things that I have found out that have disturbed me, but I don't sit in judgment of him for them. But they do tell me about his character. I think that's why he doesn't want me to know anything!!!<P>Did you ever open up to him hoping that he would reciprocate and you get nothing but, "oh that's nice" and that's it? How frustrating is that! I pour my heart and soul out and I never get to hear anything. I know very little about his past relationships and I really would like to know. Since all I'm told by his Mom is that all these women have taken advantage of him. But how??? I have to wonder if maybe he thinks I am like them to?? I wish I knew. I think it would help in some way.<P>I think so much of what my H keeps from me is about shame. Not so much that he's thinking about it hurting me (which sucks) but more about feeling guilty for doing it and not wanting to get caught. I think that comes from his physical abuse that occurred during his childhood. I know he feels guilt, but that doesn't seem to stop him.<P>Suse,<BR>You are thinking along the lines that I am. I try to trust my instincts, it's been so hard. If I had trusted them earlier, he would have been caught earlier. He claims I am not trusting I think I am TOO trusting. But now I feel like a cop and he makes me feel like one because he doesn't willingly hand over the information. As I've said before his willingness to share information with me versus the actual information is what really says something to me.<P>Thanks all!

Yes, it is a matter of shame. But I don't want to shame him. I want him to tell me what bothers him so that I can help him.<P>There is some huge issue with him about his father, who died, and how they had a disagreement that was never solved. H's dad took whatever the secret was with him to the grave, cause H won't tell me. All he does is yell "Do you know what it is like to hurt somebody and never have the chance to apologize?! No? Well then, you wouldn't understand. So leave me alone about it!"<P>This is only one of the dozens of circumstances where my H is trying to "Cover up his ugly past."<P>He doesn't get it! I am not trying to pry! I am trying to understand him! Doesn't he see that it is making his life more miserable by hiding things? (Like his affair?)<P>Anyways, he has made it a lifetime mission not to trust anyone, and he will be the first one to admit that. In fact, he is proud of it. Trusting people is foolish. Trusting people means you are weak. Trusting means that people are always out to gank you and you are inviting it to happen.<P>I trust too much, and he has always pointed it out to me that I do and that I shouldn't. Now he has proved that he is right by what he has done. What a paradox!<P>