My H has told me he wants a divorce, but neither of us has filed yet. He still calls me a few times a week and I am pleasant and try to do my best on plan A. I want my marriage to work, but this is so hard while he is still having an affair. I was wondering what some of you told your spouse or how you acted towards your spouse when they told you they wanted a divorce. This has got to be the lowest point in the affair. His feelings for me are there, but they are surpressed by ow. Everything with OW is great. I tell him that I am here, just talk to me. He says things to the effect that it is over. I want to scream at H and ask then why the #### do you still call me!! But, I dont. I need some suggestions here. Have any of your Spouses actually filed for a divorce and went through with it, or is this just another stage of the affair??

I am with you on this. I do not know if the EA is still going on or not. My H said he wanted a divorce 6 weeks ago. He said he is moving out. He has been sleeping on the sofa for 4 weeks now. I am seeing so many positive baby steps but he is still so negative. <P>D-day was 6 1/2 weeks ago. He went into withdrawl and I went into plan A. I do not react to his anger and threats to leave. I have told him that I can not and will not stop him. He will not let me meet any of his emotion needs. No hugs, kisses, nothing. We were very physical and this is really hard for me. I just try to act loving, respectful, supportive and be there for him as much as I can. Read my post in Recovery under positive actions/negative words. That is where we are now. Just this morning I confronted him on missing clothing and asked for the truth about the A. Instead of giving me an answer he told me that I would know soon enough because he was moving out. He has no place lined up and is not looking either. I told him that I loved him and his response was but I do not love you. I am going to keep up with plan A because I feel better doing that. Besides I do not know what else to do because I am not going to make him leave and I do not want a divorce. If he really wants that he will have to do the work. And I know he has not done anything about because he was surprised that I knew as much as I did about what I can do if he does leave us and about child support and the house. I have to be prepared but at the same time I want my marriage back.

susan,<P>It's nice to see you settled down. In my situation, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce---but what she really wanted was for someone to make a decision for her (IMO). Fence-sitting is a very difficult aspect of affairs to deal with; but it will sometimes happen after the affair comes out in the open. Your husband appears to be doing this right now.<P>One of the first lessons that I learned when dealing with an affair was to consider my spouse as "temporarily insane". While you should listen to them and empathize with them (no yelling...), don't take anything they say as THE TRUTH. They haven't got much of a clue to truth---they're suffering through the addictive nature of the affair. Your husband is doing the same: he's saying one thing (divorce, your marriage is over), but he's doing another (nothing---no filing, etc.). If your husband asks you for a divorce, I would respond that you understand that's what he wants, but you are very interested in working on the marriage and making it terrific for both of you (and back it up by counseling and learning these marital skills---talk is cheap). Let him know that you're committed to the marriage and would basically do anything for him---short of giving him a divorce.<P>Most spouses in affairs never file for divorce. Some file but don't follow through. Some file and follow through, but then reconcile after the divorce. Regardless of what your husband is going to do, I would recommend that you keep on a "plan A" approach for as long as you can take it (trust me---I know it's tough), in order that you establish a consistant track record of new behaviors with your husband. <P>And grab "Surviving an Affair". It'll answer a lot of your questions about what's happening.

Thank you for that reply. The ups and downs are so hard to keep up with and to keep on doing what you need to do. I will keep on in plan A. If he talks about moving out I will tell that I do not want him to but I will not stop him if that is what he chooses to do. He already knows my stance on divorce and that has not come up for a month. In fact I heard through the grapevine that we were getting a divorce and asked him about it. He was genuinely upset and said he never said that. It really bothered him. I took that as a good sign.<BR>I do not react to his anger or his negativity. I am loving, respectful, kind and supportive. What else can I do?

To all of you who replied:<P><BR>Boy, yesterday I just felt like some kind of a physco!!! It feels like all I read and have learned just falls out my head when I see my H and ow together. I hate it when that happens, but I did pick up a book called Love must be tough and started reading that instead of freaking out. It is a very good book. I recommend it to all of us. K-thank you for your response. i am not always so emotional, though this drama does wear on me like nothing before. On top of my H probs, I live w/my parents since the seperation 10 months ago and my mom has cancer. She is on chemo and all that, but diagnosis not so good. That tears me up inside too. I pray to god everyday. It is a life saver to have a cite like this to come too. Thank you all. God bless and luv ya!!!<P>I believe-Im sorry about your situation. It seem to me like H is waiting for you to make him leave. Who knows?? He probably doesnt even know. One thing I have learned is that the more you try to analyze your H, the crazier you become. Just look at my post earlier. But that is ok, I came here instead of H. It was close, but I made it ok. We will all be ok. One thing that might help is in this book Im reading it says how the more you cling to spouse the farther you actually push him away. Maybe you should keep plan A, but try not to push to much and expect nothing but more pain. We are all here for you. Please post and post and post. It will help. You and I will be ok because we are going to make it that way. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but we will get stronger and things have to get better because we say so!!