I have heard so many mixed up versions of love vs in love that I am continuing to ask what other people think.<BR>H says he loves me but is not in love with me. I always thought that the "in love" feeling was for new love - excitement, newness,etc. and loving was the mature, deeper kind of love.<BR>My daughters seem to think that you can have both at different times in the same relationship. One daughter says she loves lots of people(friends) but is not in love with them so the same can hold true for a spouse. Is it bad to just have love or should I expect more?<BR>I hope I am making sense b/c I'm confused on this issue.<BR>Thanks for any input.

Hi Ronster<P>I can relate to this, I love my wife but, unfortunately I am not IN love with her, I think real love doesn’t have to be just for new relationships, before all of our problems I felt in love with her, yes it was a mature, deep kind of love, it felt warm and satisfying.<BR>I want our love to be like this, it can be that way even in a mature relationship but I guess it takes both people to work on that constantly. I feel more like a good friend to my wife and I need more than that it has to be my number one emotional need.<P>Take care<P>itsme<BR>

Well I think the "in-love" is different then love. The in-love to me isn't something that is only there in a new relationship. I love my kids, I love my cat, friends, siblings, parents etc... I also love my husband the same way that I love them PLUS I'm in-love with him. By being in-love with him I want him to know everything about me, I want to know everything about him. I can't wait to slide in on my side of the bed and meet him in the middle. I want to share my happiest and my saddest experiences with him. I smile when his face lights up with excitement about something. It's wanting to share everything with him that I do with the others I love, plus more.

I agree with everything BonnieSept just said...<P>And, to add a bit--<BR>Many marriages let the "in-love" part disappear. Even in the best marriages, it is not going to be there full-force 100% of the time. But, you can and should strive to keep it in your marriage. There is a lot of info here (see the Basic Concepts stuff on the homepage) that helps. And, trust me, you can get back from being not "in-love" to being quite "in-love" again.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

I agree so much with your responses. Keeping the "in-love" love is such hard work!<P>I am still "in-love" with my hubby, even after his EA.<P>What is so difficult is determining if your partner is "in-love" with you, and what it will take for him to be "in-love" with you, after someone else has been meeting those "in-love" needs. (I always knew that my husband loves me--he says I am the mother of his children. Unfortunately, that doesn't cut it with me. I want to be his sweetheart, the way that I consider him to be mine.)

This thread seems so appropriate for my situation also. My H says he loves me, but he feels that it is different from the love for OW. He too felt our relationship had become just a good friendship. He is questionning now whether he should stay married for that kind of love. For him I think a lot of it is a sexual feeling. I want to believe that we can regain that, but my H is very doubtful. How much of the "in love" feeling is really sexual attraction? M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Travelled says that that's what differentiates falling in love with love. We never talk about falling in love with our children etc... We reserve that for a sexual relationship (or relationship with sexual attraction.) He says that that falling in love feeling necessarily dies and you then choose to continue loving that person that you fell in love with (or not).

Interesting question....<P>I already have difficulty with the concept of the "love bank" in regards to the idea of "love at first sight."<P>How do we explain away that instant attraction we feel for someone who has never gotten the opportunity to make deposits in our "love bank" and yet we are "in love" with that person.<P>One person "loves" his spouse, yet he's "in love" with the OP. Short of separating and getting back together can we ever expect to experience that rush of newness in a relationship.<P>Perhaps what we are in love with is the concept not the reality. We buy the idea that being in love is "that special feeling"<BR>you have for that one and only person in your life who is meant for you and you alone. Now we know that's not true...look at the divorce rate. Love changes, it dies or we kill it, but it's still the same...just our perception has changed. <P>And if we can change our perception then if we're willing we can change it back...or at least allow ourselves to accept the possibility that love still exists, not perhaps in the all-encompassing "in love" feeling but in the mellowing and seasoning of that feeling into more mature type of love...the kind that lasts a lifetime.<P>Buffy<BR>

Hi all,<BR>Thanks for your responses! Some I can relate to and some I can't. I guess it's b/c I want my H to be in love with me too. I want to be his sweetheart as I once was and it's so hard to accept that I'm not.<BR>However I'll keep trying to get there.<BR>Thanks again for your input.

Hey Ronster. I just read the thread. Here's my take:<P>"In love" is what you feel when the relationship is new. This feeling dies out pretty quickly.<P>Love is willing to wait. Let me explain. I talked to my uncle about my impending divorce, and the fact that my W is no longer "in love" with me. His reply? "Heck, I went for years at a time thinking I didn't love my wife anymore. I can't count the times I wanted to call it quits for good."<P>They've been married 51 years this month. They love each other more than ever now. He has an interesting perspective. Most of us wonder what it would be like to spend the rest of your life with one person.<P>He already knows.<P>You shouldn't really "expect" to get love back in the same amount you give. Give your love freely, expect nothing in return, and it will enrich you personally.

BonnieSept, you are so on target! And well said too. My W keeps asking me if I still love her and I keep answering, "I think so." I do love her but am not in love with her. Unfortunately, I am in love with OW (and for better or worse OW is gone). I think it is a passion, a driving desire, and perhaps a need to share your very soul with someone. When you are with that person, your eyes light up, your heart speeds up perhaps, and you feel truly, completely accepted. <P>The difficulty with A's is that you try to compare the full technicolor life that is being "in love" with the 256-shades-of-gray life that "love" becomes. Is it any wonder that A's are so seductive?<P>The hope that I derive from this site is that I now believe that the "being in loveness" feeling can be recaptured periodically in a relationship. Sadly, I feel it may be too late for me to take advantage of this insight. The reason I feel that way is that W has told me on many occasions, when I have brought up the subject of romance and passion, "You can't relive the past." And until the A, I believed her; that I was incapable of being "in love" again.<P>mcmp-- I agree that it is reserved for sexual attraction, but not necessarily physical sex. <P>

Cjack's reply struck at chord in me.<P>I look at my mom and dad, who I am living with right now. They are old and grey--even to me, and I'm 33--but still together. They are each other's best friends. I listen to them get up together to share the newspaper and a cup of coffee. They talk and laugh for a good hour every morning before she goes off to work. He backs the truck out of the garage every morning for her and see's her off. (he's retired.) She puts up with the big mess he makes out of the house while she's gone without a word (more than I would do.) He's a stinky ol farmer--puts around all day playing with his cows and horses. Hardly a Don Juan anymore.<P>They go out on dates. They hold hands. The are downright silly in love. Yeah, and they still "do it." (After moving back home into my old room, I gotta listen to it. Blech!)<P>I remember the times, growing up, that they fought and carried on. I remember the times that dad "worked out of town for awhile." I remember mom coming to me once and twice and said "What if we got us a little apartment without daddy, would you be okay with that?"<P>After all that is said and done, they got over the hurdles of being "out of love" and "I can't stand a minute more of you!" They have reached the point that they are bonded for life. If you could just see what awaits you if you stick it out, they say.<P>Love is just an emotion, maybe. What's that song by Clint Black? "Love isn't something that you say, it's something that you do?"<P>

Bernzini<BR>What a lovely tribute to your parents.<BR>That YOU can see what LOVE really is just by "watching" them. What I would give to once again have that kind of "in love" feeling with my H. Yes I LOVE him dearly....more than life itself...but he is not "in love" with me. So it's hard to return my love when in the back of my mind his actions show me he would rather be with OW, even with all her faults.<BR>Did they do any of the things you described your parents doing? NO, but we did for...for 27 1/2 years of our 29 year marriage.<BR>He$$ they have broken up more times than I can count and he thinks this is"true love"..<BR>Oh well maybe someday he will really wake up from the illusion.....I just hope it's not too late and I have moved on...I want that kind of LOVE again and will not settle for anything less with him or anyone else!!!<BR>

29 years is too many years to throw away. It's crazy--all the memories that you have together just for a little fling that got out of hand.<P>I doubt it will last, if it makes you feel better. Just one of those stupid things.<P>I hope YOU will last, though. You do know what true love is, so you are the sane one of the bunch. Don't let it get you down. <P>29 years--wow. I was married for six, dated for a year before that. And I thought that THIS was too much to throw away!

Well, I think that LOVE is a choice. We CHOOSE to love our spouse for whatever reasons. The IN-LOVE feeling that we get is something that is created between 2 people, also because they choose it. (My opinion anyways) I feel "IN-LOVE" with my H when I allow myself to feel connected to him in a very special way. I seemed to fall more in-love with my H when he was having his affair....not sure why, maybe because I felt that I could lose him. He also didn't feel in-love with me until he realized that I was already gone. Maybe that saying is true...you don't know what you have until it's gone! For some people, I guess that is what it takes to make them wake up again??? Anyways, I do believe that love is a choice that we make! We can let it grow stagnate and die or we can work harder to keep our love strong. It is easy to be in-love with someone new (not much to lose), but lots of things seem to get in the way of love, and we stop making each other feel special. <P>When H thought he was in-love with OW, he had put his blinders on and was only focusing on her! We need to learn to focus on our spouse and not OP! Don't know if this makes any sense right now...kind of late...off to dreamland for me...lol<P>just_me