Just a quick one,,, is it possible to end an affair without confessing and live "happily ever after” or is confession the only answer? <P>

I think it is possible. But, honesty gives a much better chance of long-term happiness.

Bringing my post back up to the top, please I could do with some advice here.

An affair, undisclosed - and over, can still leave its ugly stamp on your marriage.<P>As a betrayed spouse - I could feel something was wrong for a long time. I think the affair was over - and undisclosed, and it left an empty hole in our marriage - and I felt that in my case, we couldn't move into true recovery without disclosure.<P>Partial disclosure came in December 99, of an affair that happened in 96. It was extremely painful, but necessary.<P>One of the basic concepts includes honesty, and to me is an integral component to a future of a happy marriage.<P>How long ago was your affair?

Itsme -<P>Hi, sorry I didn't see your post sooner. As a WS myself, I truly believe in complete honesty. Some marriage counselors would take into consideration such things as when the A occurred, how long it lasted, and the current status of the marriage now.<P>However, I believe to truly recover or rebuild your marriage, complete honesty is necessary. I've posted on this site many times concerning my a, the feelings I've gone through, and the importance of being honest when trying to reconnect with my spouse.<P>Confessing my A to my H was probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. My H never knew that anything was wrong, so I probably could have gotten away with out telling him and then try to move on. The problem - I was overwhelmed with guilt, I hated the lies, the cheating. For me, I had lost any self-respect I may have had for myself, I couldn't believe that I had an A. I know that I couldn't live with the fact that I had an A, much less keep it asecret from my H, my best friend.<P>I don't know if you had an A, your spouse had an A, or if it was a friend, but I can tell you that once the affair ended, there were so many emotions that I went through as a betrayer - withdrawl, depression, remorse, etc - that I don't know HOW I could have kept it a secret.<P>For my H, he wasn't happy about the affair, but he really appreciated the fact that I was totally and completely honest with him. And I think my honesty (versus him discovering the A) helped to rebuild his trust in me. He knew that I could be honest with him again - particularly when I told him the A was over and that I wanted to rebuild our marriage.<P>If you're honest and tell the truth, then you can really start to find out why the affair occurred, what can be done to fix the marriage, and how you can have the marriage you dreamed of when you first got married.<P>I think it you don't confide in your spouse about an affair - you can never really address the problems in your marriage that led to the A. <P>Emotionally speaking, the aftermath of an affair is devatating - not only to the betrayed spouse but to many betrayers as well. Even though my H and I are working hard to rebuild our marriage, everyday, I struggle with feelings of remorse, guilt, depression. It is getting better, but only because I have my H to help me. I don't think I could do it alone. <P>A marriage is the bond between two people. My H has been there through the good times, and now he's there for me through the bad times. We're working on this together. I am truly fortunate to have my H on my side - instead of me trying to hide the A and deal with the aftermath alone.<P>Some people may say that what the spouse doesn't know doesn't hurt them. But those are the folks who either choose to ignore structural problems within the marriage that may have led to the A - or those who want an easy way out. If you truly want your marriage to survive, I think it needs to be based on honesty.<P>There is no right or wrong answer to your question, but as a betrayer, I know that I could only recover my self-respect and begin to rebuild my marriage only after I had confided in my H. Every situation is different, but I think if you read through some of the old posts on this site, you'll find that a lot of people would recommend disclosing the affair to a spouse.<P>So, to answer your "quick question quickly I think it is possible to end an affair without confessing, but in order to "live happily ever after," you owe it to your spouse (and to yourself) to be honest and work on addressing those things that may have led to the A. Some people say that they want to spare their spouses feelings - since it won't happen again, right? But you'd be surprised how strong, how loving and how supportive betrayed spouses can be - and you can read it on any of the posts on this site.<P>Maybe if you could give us some more information, that would help . . .There's a lot of people who are here and can offer all kinds of support. But ultimately, it is you that has to do the right thing, make the right decision. I hope this helped, but let me know if you have any other questions.<P>

itsme,<P>I think what kam is saying is right. I believe that people have NOT disclosed, and managed to move on, build a much better marriage. However, in my opinon, opening up the situation completely can be more helpful in the long run. <P>I'd like to add that I am not talking about sharing all the 'details' necessarily. I think you'll find a lot of information on this site that talks about how much detail is important to share with your spouse. There are many opinions and mostly it seems to depend on what is necessary for your particular relationship. Often it is dictated by the offended person.<P>I've heard it said that infidelity is not necessarily the root of the marital problem but a huge/painful warning sign that there is something wrong in the relationship. <P>I chose to tell my H of my affair because I felt that in order for us to heal better, he would need to know what I had done. The level of detail that was discussed was lead by him. He asked - I answered his questions. Whether he decided to stay or not, I knew that we would be dealing with the whole of the issue - all of the problems and consequences. It's a process that has continued long after the first day he knew. And it is a difficult one, but one day worth it I hope.<P>For me, telling him also was motivated to some degree by self preservation. I felt I surely would have died holding what I had done inside. Again, this is just my perspective. <P>It really is something that you must think long and hard about yourself. Not looking at it as a way to AVOID pain, because frankly it's too late for that - if infidelity has already occured. What I mean by this is, if someone has cheated, there is PAIN in telling the spouse, but also PAIN to some degree is present with holding the secret inside the betrayer. <P>So I think what you must ask yourself is where do you want to be in this relationship down the road? Knowing your spouse like you do, what is the absolute best way to get there - to that goal - of a better stronger marriage, if that is in fact what you want. <P>Best of luck to you. Stick around here and read. You may find the posts from the betrayed spouses here of particular help. There are many, many couragous loving people here whose expreience can help you. <P>take care,<BR>Dawnn<P><BR>Hi SKM.. posting at the same time...<P><p>[This message has been edited by Dawnn (edited August 01, 2000).]

Hi and thanks for the responses, just a little information about my situation, my wife had an affair that I discovered (I was told by someone else) last year, I have been through all the devastating emotions of recovery, I thought we had done everything necessary to fix our problems but earlier this year I got involved in an affair myself, this affair is with a friend of my wife, we have known each other for about 8 years but up until the affair started it was just friendship. The affair has lasted for 6 months, my wife has no idea about the affair but she has sensed that I am being distant towards her and has said that she feels our marriage is falling apart. I have today finished the affair, a good friend of mine has told me that the only way to rebuild my marriage is to confess but I don’t think I could do this.

My wife had an affair 10 years ago, kept it to herself and I believe it ate her up inside. She's been gone for 18 months now.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I have a very close MW friend who had an affair about 6 years ago. She was depressed (so what's new) and she and her H had some problems. Eventually she decided to recommit to her H and they worked things out. He never knew about the affair. That is the ONE thing he wouldn't have forgiven. She was very remorseful about what she did and has put her all into the marriage. If she had confessed they would be divorced instead of being happy together now.

fairydust<P>You are the first person to suggest that confessing may not always be the answer, thanks for your response, and thanks to everyone else, I guess that whether I do or don’t confess will be down to me and me alone. I can understand that holding in a secret like this can only cause harm and prevent all problems being put right.<P>Thanks again<P>itsme<BR>

looking back itsme, would you honestly have rather never known?<P>or would you have rather she told you, rather than finding out from someone else?<P>maybe that will help you decide.<P>I believe you should confess. As she has also had an affair she will at least have some understanding of how these things happen.<P>Vee on this board may be of help, she had an affair and is now facing her H's affair. A search on her posts may help to understand how your wife will feel and how to help her as well as help yourself. <P>Together, you can rebuild your marriage if its all out in the open and honest.

To confess or not confess:<P>My husband had an affair last year, and I was so dumb to not see what was happening! He also believed that I would have never found out had I never accidently found his chat files while trying to fix his computer. Wrong!<P> I found sooooo many clues--beginning with his weird behavior and attitude. Change in music taste. (from RB to punkish, British--I dunno what you'd call it, but, EW-W-W-W!!) Change in hairstyle, from flat-top to long- on-top complete with mustache. And the strange things he talked about! And the stuff he all the sudden wanted to try out when we were intimate. Those were the first clues, besides leaving and coming back repeatedly.<P>And I keep telling him: I am not stupid, I would have found out sooner or later. And I also keep telling him that I would be able to forgive and forget a lot easier if he had just fessed up. <P>The lies progressed as my discoveries progressed. As I found out the facts on my own, he gradually told the truth: First, she was just an e-mail pen-pal. Then they were just casual bar-room friends. Then, they were just really good friends. Then they tentative boyfriend/girlfriend. Then they were lovers. Then, they had intentions of dumping me and the other spouse and marrying each other, despite the children in both families. (He is still wishy-washy about admitting to the last, but I know that it was a fact.)<P>Had he JUST TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED up front instead of messing around. . .the fact that he lied so creatively freaks me out. I realize now that he is not the calibre of man that I thought that he was, and THAT is the biggest let-down of all!

Itsme,<P>Ditto to SKM! I have done both. I tried to hide it. Just like you said. She kne something was wrong. You know that she will eventually find out. I promise she will. When my OM W finds out thorugh a friend of a friend of a friend. Then that will be the end of theor marriage. <BR>Who do you want to tell her? My H knew that something was going on. He sensed it. I can bet taht your W did to. <BR>When I finally told H about the affair. It was alot of pain for him. But, he will tell you that it was his "Wake Up" call. <BR>I had tried to talk to him.He never listened.<BR>Pray about it. That is what I done.<BR>prayer<BR>Renee <BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Just checking to see if you had read this yet.<BR>I want to keep it up high. So more can see.<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

inamess<P>Yes thanks I did read it, I'm at work at the moment so I cant post as fast as I would like. I know that confessing is the right thing to do, I would have preferred to hear about my wife’s affair from her rather than another person, I know this is the right thing to do and I'm not discounting doing it, I just need to get my head straight, get some reality back into my life before I decide whether to confess, does that make sense?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by itsme (edited August 02, 2000).]

Itsme -<P>You know, my reason for confiding (my H likes me to use that word instead of confessing) in my H, and telling him about the A, was again for self-preservation - it would have "eaten me alive," too. If that isn't the case for you, if you can deal with the internal anguish, then you need to say hey what if my W finds out from her friend or a friend of a friend. If it were me, I think that would hamper my ability to trust you. If you confide in your wife, so will be more likely to accept it and try to move on. All you can do is be sincere.<P>Once I confided in my H, I got all the books I could on the subject of infidelity. You may want to try and pick up a copy of Harley's "Surviving and Affair." There's also another book by E. Gough - I can't remember the title - something like "Infidelity - your complete survivor's guide." The infidelity book is an easy read, and I think you'll get a lot out of it since you have been on both sides of infidelity.<P>I agree, that you need to do what's best for you and your W, but don't underestimate the power of forgivness and the power of your W's love for you. Take some time to get your head together, maybe do some reading on the subject, but in the end, I think if you keep your A a secret from your w, it will only hurt you and her in the end. <P>Keep posting your thoughts, maybe us girls - Dawnn, inamess, and momma - can help you. If not, you may want to read some of the posts by NoMas - he was in a similar situation - didn't know what to do. You might want to post to him as well . . .

I cant believe how much help I am getting here its great to be able to talk to people, thank you. I too did alot of reading while recovering from my wife’s affair, I tried to involve my wife, I wanted her to read the books I read as it may make her understand why I couldn’t just move forward, why I had to deal with the pain, and why I couldn’t just forgive and forget. She never once looked at the books, I wish she had. I wish I had found this site at that time, maybe I would have recovered in a more thorough way, maybe I would not be in the mess I am at the moment.

Hi, itsme,<P>Maybe my experiences will help... I was involved in a long-term & intense affair; my H never found out, tho he could hardly help knowing something was very, very wrong - I was crying all the time and acting pretty wierd! I sought counseling after a couple of months, and my counselor advised me NOT to tell H. So I didn't. And then continued the affair on & off for a very long time. Not too good for a marriage.<P>It became a vicious circle: I was not even aware at that time of the depth of my guilt and shame (I was the Queen of deNile! and rationalizing like crazy what I was doing, as we waywards are so good at); yet it *was* eating away at me, as several here aptly termed it. The lower my self-esteem sank, the more I needed the affair to buoy myself up. It was a crazy, desperately unhappy time in my life.<P>Fast-forward: the long term effects of my affair, my shame, everything, resulted in my withdrawing emotionally from my H (as Just Learning termed it on another thread, I "really didn't feel good enough for the marriage"). I came to call it "The Wall"; it was there long after my affair (finally) ended. In fact, I confessed my affair 6 yrs after it started, having come to realize that it was just *not possible* to have an honest, trusting, loving marriage with such a huge skeleton in the closet. That helped, but The Wall was deeply entrenched by that time.<P>My H spent years frustrated by my emotional unavailability. Finally in '98, he became involved in an online affair that went "real". Now, I knew long before, that he was acting strange and was "ripe" for an affair. I had found intimate chat info, etc. Totally freaked me out. But I couldn't stop it. I just stuck my head in the sand and hoped for the best. <P>Long story short, he was miserable, had the affair, was very depressed, and confessed all to me. You know what? I was RELIEVED!! I finally had something concrete to get a grip on! Of course it was terribly painful, but I counted myself fortunate to know what he needed from me, and that an affair *can* be survived. I also felt a great deal of empathy for him, because I knew exactly what he was going through. He needed me, he leaned on me, I was able to help him, my marriage, and myself to heal. <P>And it *was* very healing. I felt, for the first time in a long time - years - that I was a valuable part of the marriage, not just a drain on it. That I was strong. It was an amazing, truly miraculous time for us. Our relationship changed forever.<P>You might be surprised at the strength and empathy your W has to offer. Would she be hurt and angry? You bet. We certainly had our share of shouting/crying matches for awhile. But we also were connecting on a deep level, in a way we most likely never had before. We were *fighting* - TOGETHER - for our marriage. I told him how much I loved him and our life together, with a passion he hadn't heard in many years. Which was all he wanted in the first place.<P>So - the choice is yours, but having tried the "don't tell" route, I don't recommend it. I think it creates and perpetuates a wall between the partners. And I think you'd be missing a golden opportunity to do some serious rebuilding, as well as denying your W a chance to "redeem" herself in her own eyes. That was such a gift to me. <P>I really wouldn't change a thing in my marriage now!! <P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hi suse<P>I can see that confessing is the right thing to do, and I do understand what you are saying, I have not ruled this out and I may well confess in the future, I just need to get my head straight. One question,,, my affair has been with a friend of my wife, do you think its easier to confess to your spouse when the other person is not a friend?, I know that if this came out, all our friends would be horrified, it would hurt so many people, but most of all it would destroy my wife. My wife very often comments on ow, look how slim she is, pretty etc… her knowing what I have done would finish our marriage especially after the last year and a half we have already been thru.<BR>

Bringing it back to the top!