I am now 9 months plan Aing, H doesn't have an affair, he is still at home and has no plans to leave soon. But last night he said to me that he is unhappy because in spite of my efforts of meeting his ENs he still cannot find in his heart the feeling of being in love with me. Although we filled the EN and LB questionaire about 10 months ago, i do not know if his EN have changed and i cannot ask him to fill again the ENQ because he said that he feels he hates me when i give him questionaires that are suposed to arrange our marriage. So i am here trying to guess if his EN has changed to act accordingly.<P>I believe that his "in love" feeling has gone once we were fighting and i was so mad at him and named him with an awful word, that hurt him so much. Although i apologized a lot, he never truly forgave me.<P>So i am here plan Aing "in circle" (if the term applies) because there has been some progress in our marriage, but that's it!! all the progress now is frozen because i cannot reach my H's heart anymore. He is sad about that, but he cannot find the feeling we used to have inside him. He thinks that our relationship is wrong because neither of us are happy, he wants to divorce but doesn't know when. I am living in LIMBO!! and it is not a great place to live.<P>Is this the end of Plan A? Will he some day forgive me?- once (before i got married) a friend of mine said to me that no matter how angry i could be, i must NEVER say to H something that ugly and as you see i disregard that advice.<P>Can a man ever forgive something like that? What motivate his forgiviness? What ELSE can i do to reach his heart?

I made my H promise before we got married that if one of us thought the marriage was in trouble, we would go to a counselor for help. I kept my promise and signed us up for a counseling session. Little did I realize that my H had already had an A.<P>I highly suggest counseling to you. I had no idea the problems in our marriage were as serious as they were. My H was also telling me he wanted a divorce. Are you certain an A is not in the picture? Please try to go to counseling. I think it will help both of you figure out what changes you need to make to keep your marriage together. I wish we had started counseling two years ago. <P>I will not make this mistake again. If things work out with my H, I am going to hold him to that promise he made when we married. We will have at least two meetings with a counselor a year. Hopefully, this will keep us on the straight and narrow and lead to a better marriage overall.

Trapito:<P>I read somewhere on this site that it is the experience of some counselors that when a couple comes in and one partner wants a separation then almost invariably there is an affair of some sort going on.<P>I am hesitant to say that is the case in your marriage but there are signs. He continues to have his heart closed to you I think because he is not willing to open it.<BR>He lack of cooperation in determining what continues to be wrong is questionable. The talk of separation and divorce indicates his heart is not with you and that he has already started his mind down the road to divorce. <P>If a affair is going on that would explain all the difficulty. He's unable to make up his mind what he wants...but he continues to not commit to his marriage wholeheartedly. This is a no win situation.<P>You need to try and talk to him about this. Tell him you love him but it hurts you that he appears to not be as committed to the relationship as you are and ask him why. <BR>Explain that you feel that for that "in love"<BR>feeling to return it takes total commitment from each of you. Ask him why he can't commit totally? Ask him if there is anything you could do that he thinks might help? If you don't talk to him then things will proceed as they are and you are going to be separated soon.<P>Buffy

Thank you Lapeine and Buffy for your advice.<BR>I do talk to H, but i think he feels so sad because he convinced himself that once love is gone NEVER RETURNS (between the same persons).<P>I also asked him if he was/is having an affair and he swares he is not, until now i have no reasons to not believe this because he is early at home and on weekends he tries to be with us (baby and me) as much as possible.<P>What is driving him crazy is i think that he feels an absolutely lack of passion (maybe that is the missing feeling he is looking for). So maybe i have to work on the "passion".

Love can and does return. Since you only called your H one bad thing, you can't possibly have said as bad things as I have (don't follow my example on that!). My H has forgiven me and I've forgiven him for the bad times. My Plan A took 18 months, through several separtions and while he was seeing the OW some of that time, it is now 6 months later than that, and we're together. He tells me several times a day he loves me.<P>Your H's "belief" that love can't be rekindled is hogwash (look at the examples on the Recovery board--lostva, catnip, peppermint, kat, HGBrawner, LaurieC), and some kind of excuse for whatever is in his head. My H said many of the same things your H is saying and my H, despite his denials was definitely having an affair, that doesn't mean your H is, but something is interfering with his desire for your marriage.<P>I wish I had better advice. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10