I've been in Plan B for a whole two days now, and I get this letter from my W. It reads, in part:<P>"(H), I love you and my heart and head are battering each other. Things are all mixed up for me. I have always counted on you. It keeps going through my head "is there a chance?" We are two different people. You say you would take me back, but would it be for the right reasons?<P>Everytime I look around this house I say "damn, I sure did complain a lot about this house, but its been the only form of stability D and I ever knew. I'm losing a part of my family."<P>But not once have I said "I'm losing the man I love." I'm losing a great person and a marriage but I'm not sure I'm losing the man I truly love. There are all kinds of love out there, I don't know if I have the love for you the way a strong marriage needs. I think we have a comfortable, safe, stable love, very important in a marriage but I don't know if it is enough. <P>I'm holding off on the divorce papers for now. I am moving out even though I don't want to leave. I guess in a way I am giving us a chance, but there are no guarantees. I need time to sort through feelings and talk with someone who might be able to give me answers."<P><BR>Any thoughts on this one? It threw me for a loop! What's the next move?

cjack,<P>You will hear from the Plan B experts, but it seems to me you do nothing. You are in Plan B, and the hardest part is to stay with it when you want to write a letter back or call her. You did this with the idea she has to decide to leave the OM. She hasn't decided that or anything else, but maybe she is beginning to think.<P>Remember you are staying away from her to preserve what love you have left, it isn't to force her to do something, make her talk with you, or even make her choose. It is preserve your love and sanity. If she decides to work on the marriage, then you go to work. Until then,I believe the correct course it not to respond.<P>Post to NSR or K, they are the real experts on it. You can also read NSR's section on Plan B. You can find it in the Just Found out section.<P>Hang in there. She is at least thinking and that is a start.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Cjack,<P>JL is correct...maintain <B>ZERO</B> contact.<P>I haven't followed your story my humble oppologies...<P>How well and long did you plan-a?<P>Did you write a plan-b letter?<P>Is there an OM?<P>Have you talked to Steve Harley?<P>Again I'm sorry I haven't followed you story I spend most of my time on the other board...<P>As far as this letter goes I see it as a positive. My STBX didn't even have the slightest desire to try. It sounds as id your W does. I truly believe that love is conditional and given a chance your W may feel that romantic love for you again.<P>Hang in there and continue your plan-b.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

{cjack},<P>JL is right...<P>...you need to fight off all instincts to agreee with her... disagree with her... argue with her... console her...<P>...<B>this will not be easy</B>...<P><B>K</B> was a sucess story through Plan B...<BR>Another blessed friend of mine <B>Paul Moyers</B>... is a Plan B graduate... now in recovery... moving towards being a sucess story!<P>But what works best...<BR>...is to offer no response...<BR>...unless you she <B>can</B> commit to leaving the OM...<P>...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>TDNT</A>...<P>Hang in there bud... <P>You can do this!...<BR>In the beginning... I'd say it is harder than Plan B... but it gets easier!<P>Praying for you... <P>Jim

I think you can truly read between the lines. Your wife does have feelings for you. The amazing thing is how many of our WS say all the same things...it just makes you wonder..<P>I agree with the advise of not responding. It is better just to let her sort her feelings out. I think sometimes you just have to let the "other" life stand on it's own.<P>I did a plan B before I knew what it was...then gave in to his whining before I knew any MB stuff...now I did a plan B again and he tried to lure me back in...I resisted....and he just got mad...now he's acting like I'm doing this to punish him which fuels his "fantasy" So...I think that it is better to stick with it, especially if it preserving your love.<P>I needed it for my own strength....and even with plan B...because of 3 kids...it is extrememly difficult to NOT talk...though If ever we meet I do not discuss anything.<P>good luck... and take good care of yourself. Despite being made to feel as small as an insect......I'm starting to reemerge......

Thanks to all for the support!<P>W is going into counseling. The counselor is someone I'm familiar with, as she helped us with our daughter a couple of years ago. I'm glad W is going to get an objective opinion to help sort out her feelings.<P>Of course, the first session isn't for a few weeks.<P>Two new twists: Last night she sent a gushy, lovey-dovey e-mail to the OM, telling him how much she misses him! She doesn't know I have access to her e-mail. I don't know if she's being deliberately dishonest, or if she's just confused. I feel once again betrayed and crushed. <P>I'll be house-sitting for a friend for the next 10 days. I have decided not to give her the phone number. After not talking to the OM for a couple of days, she always starts to miss me and inevitably calls. This should be a nice break for me.<P>And now, a confession: There's a hot new computer virus that is circulating around my workplace...I forwarded it to the OM...I didn't use my account. <P>p.s. There is a great new country song that fits real well into Plan B. It's called "when you need my love" by Daryll Worley. If you want to hear it from a guy who's been there, its a great song!<P>Thanks again to all...<P>cj

cjack,<BR>one note based on experience. In plan B, stopping contact means NO SNOOPING EITHER. This will drain your love bank even more quickly than your face to face contact with her because all you are seeing is this hideous snapshot of their relationship, with none of the positive feedback of any good interactions with her.<P>Trust me. It is so easy to look at their e-mails and let emotions spin out of control. Stop focusing on them and think about you. I am finally becoming a more sane person once I stopped this addictive habit. And it is addictive!!! I had to find one person (like a sponsor) I could confide in and turn to when I felt like snooping or when I fell off the wagon.<P>What finally got me was that I could see it was keeping me from any of the benefits of plan B - those of preserving love and building back up my self-esteem.<P>Stay strong. The affair has to end before you can rebuild the marriage. You want to be able to have the stamina to wait this out. Stop snooping.<P>Starpony

Thanks Starpony. I needed that. I feel so ashamed to be snooping, but that's how I found out about the A in the first place. My trust in her is totally destroyed, and I hate what it's doing to me.<P>I want so badly to believe that she wants me back that I can't stay away from snooping, even though it ruins my day each time I do it.<P>Thanks again.

cjack -<P>Believe me I understand how you feel. You have only been in plan b for 2 days, your wife is still waffling before your eyes. You want to cling to any shred of hope.<BR>Been there and done that. And believe me I am not at all perfect. I've only been "snoop-free" a bit over 2 weeks now - if that. In fact the last e-mail I saw was very mean from my H to OW. But did anything change? No. Are they still seeing each other? Yes. Did I get my hopes up for no reason? Yes.<P>I do feel for you and how much this hurts - and how tempting it is to try to do anything to feel like you have some control (information is power, right?). But you know there is still an affair going on - that is all the information you need. There is nothing new to be learned at this point. And (broken record here) all you can control is yourself. (I am repeating this to myself as well.)<P>Focus on being the best cjack you can be. Choose not to inflict this pain on yourself. You have this power. <P>Let her work things through on her own at her own pace - while you focus on you.<P>There, I almost have myself convinced I can do this too!<P>Good luck cjack. This is hard but it does get easier.<P>Starpony

Again, many thanks. <P>I think the hardest part for me is that I cling to hope too easily. The letter she gave me really didn't give much hope for our marriage, it was more like a stay of execution. <P>After I read it, my heart did a few back flips, because I really thought "there's a chance!"<P>Then I realized that the execution may go ahead anyway. <P>I really want it over with one way or another. Either she moves out, we divorce, and move on with our lives, or she dumps OM and we make another go at it. <P>Now I'm looking at a few months before anything happens at all! I guess one lesson I will learn from all this is patience!

Based on my own personal successes and failures, I would suggest no contact. It's nice that she wrote to you and made your heart leap with possibilities, but time will tell if she meant it. <P>I am assuming you are in Plan B because Plan A didn't work? You have to give Plan B a chance then. The first few days are HARD, especially when you get a letter like that, but it does get better. <P>I think the fog applies on both sides. We tend to see the world as rosier than it was. They tend to see it as gloomier than it was. We're each fighting to regain our version of reality. The distance of Plan B will bring you each closer to the reality, which is somewhere in between, and that is a good place for both of you to be to make good decisions about where to go from here.<P>hang in there

Some things struck me while reading your W's letter:<P>The first two paragraphs indicate that she may not be as far gone as you think. At least she admits she's mixed up. Many of these betrayer folks are SURE they're not. <P>She also at least admits that she's losing something.<P>But this is what strikes me as sad: <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm losing a great person and a marriage but I'm not sure I'm losing the man I truly love. There are all kinds of love out there, I don't know if I have the love for you the way a strong marriage needs. I think we have a comfortable, safe, stable love, very important in a marriage but I don't know if it is enough.[quote]<P>She obviously doesn't realize that "a comfortable, safe, stable love" IS what "true love" is. It sounds as if she's caught up in that "true love is that passionate, dizzying love" thing. She will learn otherwise.<P>She's moving out even though she doesn't want to leave. Why? I would guess it's because you're confusing the heck out of her by being kind to her. As far as:<P>[quote]I need time to sort through feelings and talk with someone who might be able to give me answers.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>...is concerned, NO ONE can give her "answers." The answers have to come within herself.<P>I think she'll learn this.<P>

Thanks D&C. This is the problem I'm facing!<P>She knows that she can count on me to be there for her, whenever she decides to come back, but the temptation of the A is so great right now, its clouded her mind. She truly thinks she has one kind of love for him, and another for me, and she has to decide between the two of us.<P>Our marriage was in trouble for years, and she's been unhappy for quite some time. Now she sees that maybe it wasn't all bad, and she misses the good feelings she had.<P>The thing that tears me up inside is: What if she doesn't figure out what true love is until she's gone? If she chooses him, she'll quit her job, move to be with him, take her daughter away from her friends, etc. In short, she'll throw away her life for this guy, and he's still married!<P>I feel helpless to stop her foolishness.<P>The only hope I have is that her therapist values marriage and stability more than she does!