I have been lurking for months. We are several years into this. <P>My H had the affair. He ended it, has devoted himself to the marriage for the first time ever. He is really trying.<P>I don't want it anymore. I have lost love for him and can't get it back. <P>He has been faithful as far as I know for all that time.<P>I don't want it anymore. I have lost love for him and can't get it back.<P>He has tried to satisfy my needs even though he often slips back into his "old" demeaning ways.<P>I don't want it anymore. I have lost love for him and can't get it back.<P>He is willing to move on and wants to forget it ever happened. This infuriates me because he expects me to forget it ever happened too. He resents my feelings of pain and considers me weak.<P>I feel that I am now the cause of the failure and he expresses the same feelings to me as well.<P>I'm saddened by my lack of feeling. I can act okay for awhile, but it takes so much effort.<P>I have not left for financial reasons and because I am still too codependant. I was resigned to staying in a bad marriage for religious reasons. Now that I can have a scriptural divorce I am staying because I do not know how to leave. I am now resigned to living in a loveless marriage, atleast on my part. <P>He says he loves me and finally realizes that I deserved so much better than what he gave me. He says he realizes how much I gave to him.<P>I don't want it anymore. I have lost love for him and can't get it back.<BR>

Fickle,<P>I am on the other side of the fence in this case. I am the betrayer. I too feel like he should just move on. I am.. have.. and trying too.<P>When I brought this up to my husband he said this: "imagine your child being killed by a drunk driver".<P>How do you live with that? I struggle daily.<P>I would think that your reaction is very typical of the betrayed. To not feel like youlove him anymore. And you may not. I do not know.. I know your voided feelings are the way I felt before I had my affair. <P>I cannot offer any real advice because Ihave not been on your side. But I do know that I am sure I would feel this same way. I know that i would NEVER give my husband the time of day if he committed adultery. I know that much.<P>Get some counseling. You sound depressed. Get some support. Get emotionally healed befroe you make any rash decisions.<P>God Bless<P>"I can do all things throught HIm who strengthens me" Phil.4:13<P>Mercy

My H often expresses his concern that I will end up having an affair. He talks about how vulnerable I am because of the turmoil I'm in.<P>I have told him that I will just leave rather than have an affair and have asked him to promise the same. He used me during the years of his affair. I was free domestic help and childcare. After I found out about the affair he told me that I was always a good housekeeper and a great mom, but that was as far as it went. He turned to another woman to get the rest and gave to her the things I yearned for for so many years.<P>I guess I am using him now because I haven't left even though there is no feeling left in our marriage on my part, but I am still satisfying all of his needs and he wants me to stay. That is my way of justifying it. I often feel cheapened by my efforts to satisfy him even though there is no emotional desire to do so.

Fickle,<P>If I didn't know better.. i would say you are me.. about 3 years ago.<P>I never left.. I have 5 children and woulnd't even consider leaving them with him.<P>What happened to me is i went to work found a "friend" and fell in "love". It destroyed me. He(OM) made me feel alive@!!! Happy!!! excited for life!!! and it came upon me suddenly.. how excited I was to see him.. my heart would flip.. it was those feelings I usedto have for my husband.<P>Do you have small children? Can you get an outside job? IF you truely need to leave then I suggest getting a job and start tucking money away in a savings account. Then leave when you have enough.<P>Have you got counseling? For me, money is not there ofr counseling..so we plug on.. somedays up.. some down.<P>mercy

Ficke Feelings,<P>I know you must be emotionally exhausted and have sustained great trauma. I certainly can not judge your decisions, because I don't know your situation.<P>However, although we are sometimes the victem of our circumstance, we are still accountable for how we react and move forward in our lives.<P>In marriage I am a great believer that we are personally responsible about what we put INTO our marriages, despite what we are getting out of them.<P>You sound like some of your decision was based scripturally. I gently suggest to you that if you resign yourself to being married, yet do not put anything into the marriage, you may be legally married, but you have emotionally left the marriage. This certainly isn't in accordance with God's plan for marriage, so for me, it would not be an option.<P>After my H's affair, I gave him three scenerios. One was we get D'ed, which would have to be his decision to leave, because I wasn't going anywhere. The second was to simply exist in the marriage for the kids. The third was to recover. I told him the second was not an option for me, so choose leave or be prepared to recover.<P>We are now 18 plus months into recovery. It isn't always easy, but all in all it has been worth the effort.

I try so hard to put what I am supposed to into the marriage. I try and try. Then I get so tired and it becomes so hard to try.<P>I would love to regain an emotional relationship with my H. I miss it, but I also fear it.

I am sure you try. I know it is hard. I know how emotionally tired you can become.<P>Still, it is up to each of us to carve out a life. Resting a bit is fine.<P>Giving up and resigning yourself is not. Just keep your eye on the difference.<P>Take care!

Hi, FF,<P>My marriage was unstable and fairly awful for years, and a large part of the difficulty turned out to be my undiagnosed depression. During that time I was involved in a long-term affair. We made enormous progress once I agreed to get on anti-deps (and we backslid when I tried repeatedly to get off them...now I'm on 'em for life!).<P>My H was also prone to depression, suffered a severe episode 2 yrs ago (which also involved an affair). He's on meds now too, tho hopeful he'll be able to wean off.<P>Well, long story short, you sound very much to me like I was when depressed! And there's one thing I've learned *for sure* - no amount of effort & 'trying' will produce good results if there is a depressed partner in the relationship. It just drains you, and there's no getting rid of those "mud-colored glasses" you're seeing your life through.<P>Have you been evaluated for depression?? Please consider it - you remind me too much of me some years ago - and you don't have to go on feeling so hopeless & beat. Don't make any decisions about your marriage until you've made sure depression isn't a component. Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Yes, I am on anti-depressants. I have been for a while.<P>

I to am having these feelings. H left me last year for OW. We reconciled 2 mos later but its been a difficult last 10 months. Just when I thought we were getting back on track H went nuts on me again and left this time for only 4 days. Those 4 days were an eye opening for me. I felt so angry. Here I had went through hell and back all the time being loving and supportive and what did I get alot of that same BS. He came crawling back after his little world fell apart again pleading for forgivness and making tons of excuses that he has been feeling so guilty ect. Well I let him back in but my feelings for him have changed dramaticly. I don't know if its the hurt and anget yet or if I have finally just had it. To tell you the truth when he was gone for those few days I felt relieved and even excited at the prospect of living life how I want to live it. So what do I do now? Do I try rebuilding this marriage yet again or do I just call it quits. I have three teenagers and their feelings to consider. I just can't trust my H anymore. Not only do I not trust him where OW are concerned, I can't trust him with my heart. I don't know if I can continue to live everyday waiting for him to tell me he isn't happy here anymore and wants to go. I need more security in my life than that. We have been married for almost 18 years, half of my life and thats not so easy to give up. I too just don't know what to do. So you are not alone in this problem. <P>Jill