My story has been out there for a while, and as you know, it has been over 2 years and we are still having a lot of trouble, even though my H is home and wanting to save our marriage.<P>I am very concerned about our lack of "Success", or atleast my lack of success. He feels he is "over it/her", "past it/her", "cured" whatever you want to call it.<P>He has admitted that most of the problems he had in the marriage and all of the things that led to his affair were things about me physically or circumstance that I could not change or have prevented. Let me explain.<P>I had a completely stripped facial muscle in my stomach from having no waistline and huge babies (3 - one over 10 lbs.). This caused me to have a very bad pooch. He never believed that it wasn't my fault and that excercising wouldn't cure it. I had optimistic "A" cups that had seen better days due to nursing 3 children for a grand total of 5 years. My hair is thin and does not grow long. I was his first and only lover. <P>He had his affair because he was curious about "D" cups, flat stomachs and resented that he had no other sexual experiences besides me. He had an affair with a woman with long blonde hair, a flat stomach and large "cups". These are the things he told me. When we talked things out in the beginning, it was just one thing after another that I could not have affected.<P>There were conflicts in our marriage as in all marriages, but most of them revolved around his belittling of my appearance and the resulting lack of self esteem I felt. <P>I have talked a lot on this forum about this matter. About how physically minded he is and that I fear that he cannot feel deeper than physical attraction.<P>Since his affair I had my stomach surgically fixed. It is now flat and firm. I now have implants, much to my mother's dismay. My hair is still short, but hey, there is only so much I can do.<P>He says he is cured. I have given him what he needs. But to accomplish this, I didn't have to do something different, I had to become something different. I also had to "allow" him to get the obstacle of the "curiosity" satisfied through his affair.<P>Am I deceiving myself into thinking that this is the difference that is making it so hard for me to get past what he did? Am I deceiving myself into thinking that I am having to forgive and forget more than the other "successful" betrayed spouses here on the forum?<P>Am I being unrealistic in feeling convinced that his physical nature is almost a guarantee of a repeat offense as I grow older or finally stop starving myself?<P>Are these my obstacles, or my crutch?<P>

I reread my post and got the feeling I sounded accusatory.<P>I am not at this point placing blame anymore. We both failed the marriage. I trully believe his affair was a symptom, not the cause of our problems.<P>I'm just wondering if some affairs have more of an impact on the betrayed and the betrayers than others.

Your post makes me feel sad. Responses from others in recovery would really be interesting. Sometimes, I feel guilty writing about concerns that I have about the quality of recovery when I read posts from others that are in such crisis.<P>At some point in recovery everyone must ask some of the same questions you have posed. I could mark my recovery to some extent by the return of my feelings of self worth.<P>I think that physical appearance - ours and theirs has a tremendous affect on the spouses - especially men- in mid life crisis affairs. <P>Initially, my h would become insenses at the suggestion that his attraction to ow was primarily physical. He felt that insulted his integrity. However she is very feminine and very pretty. He had been feeling down about his aging physique (I think that had more to do with it than my looks having declined with age and mild neglect). His ow made him feel young and gorgeous again. <P>For the longest time after discovery, I couldn't stop the feelings that I had become old and ugly - just the thought of food literally made me nauseous. This reaction continued until we were well into recovery. Previously, I just hadn't ever needed or wanted to worry a great deal about my looks but was always considered somewhat attractive.<P>I also questionned my ability to relate to other people because of hurtful things he had said to me. Strangely, my people skills outstrip ow's by a country mile, but of course he was blind to that. In fact, he saw all my assets as faults. Even the fact that I am a good mother was twisted to my monopolizing the children.<P>Once I learned of ow, I was able to put many of his hurtful comments, actions, and choices in perspective, but it took a really long time for my heart to catch up with my mind in accepting some of this. After 2 years there are still days when it hurts.<P>Thank you for writing about your feelings here. I have struggled with anger at my h for the damage he did to my self esteem. After the first year, I still felt really shaky. Now, I'd say that, while I have changed some priorities and other things that needed changing, my feelings of self worth have pretty much recovered. <P>I do see my h's life as centered much further down the needs pyramid than mine. My needes are more spiritual - his are more physical. His are also much more centered on himself. He's not the perfect man by any stretch. I am trying to have faith that he has learned that his happiness is not dependent on finding the PERFECT WOMAN. For months, I tried to change myself into HIS IMAGE of the perfect woman and did a pretty good job of it. I occasionally have moments when I really resent having had to do this. I now realize that he was totally clueless as to what a perfect woman would be or what his real needs are. I trust that at least he has learned that the perfect woman does not exist. We've had several talks about the importance of our keeping our expectations of each other in realistic perspective.

My h says it was never about looks. He tells me that I am prettier than her. I know her and disagree about that. She is about 8 years younger and is quite attractive. What bothers me the most is that as I am now in the "middle age" category, what will happen when I get older? How can he be attracted to me as I age? I watch older couples in the mall as they stroll hand in hand and hope that will be us. But will it be? Oddly enough, I am wishing that he would lose about 50 pounds.

I would like to add my story here. My ex left me 3 yrs ago for OW after having affair for 8 mo. prior to telling me. He was statiioned in another state with the military, and was able to keep it well hidden from me. He said the reason it began is because he had been unhappy with our sex life over several yrs preceeding the affair. We have been divorced for three yrs now, and were married for 29 yrs when the divorce was final. The OW is 2 yrs older than my ex, and she is average looking. I have never met her personally, but several people have told me she is not that friendly. My children do not particularly like her. The last time I wanted to talk with my ex about some concerns over one of our children, he refused to talk with me in person, stating OW gets too upset and if she found out, he would never hear the end of it> They have lived together since the divorce and recently became engaged, although no date has been set for the wedding, according to my daughter. I really thought this affair would fizzle out, but looks like one of the few that will actually survive. If it makes any difference, we are all in our 50's.

Do you think that men sometimes operate with all their focus on just one track. Hopeful's h seems to be in a similiar situation to where my h found himself. He had hid middle age and had gained a little weight. I think my h also felt somewhat burned out. The pretty ow managed to make him feel 18 again. That one attribute was almost all he saw. It overshadowed the good things about me and the bad about her.<P>Unfortuneately, even after recovery, we aren't sure if we can ever trust their judgment or their character. What makes some people whose needs aren't being met resist the same tempatation? <P>It seems to me that our society - our churches, schools, families - fail miserably to warn us of the changes and temptations that come out of the blue with midlife. I think my h and I got blindsided and had no clue what had hit us until we were well into recovery.

My H wasn't in a mid-life crises. He was 31 years old and in great physical condition. He sid I didn't appreciate his great body and she did. She had a good body and he was curious about what that felt like. he wanted sex with a woman that wasn't me and that had a good body. <P>How could I compete with that? What could I have done?<P>What I did do was undergo two surgeries and months of stavation to make myself that for him. I do like it, but understand the shallowness of it.<P>When I ask him if he will be able to love me beyond the physical as the years go by his only answer is that he hopes that I can help him get to that point. <P>Then he wonders why I lack confidence and guard myself so much.<P>I'm not in recovery, I'm in neutral, buying a few years before I have to go through all this S**t again!!<P>

I just have to put in a say, with this one. Mine has left me, for someone who is excuse my bluntness, but down right UGLY. And that isnt even from myself...my own brothers said she is disgusting, one of them said that although he didnt like to rate me,(being his sister) but I was 20 times better, even in my pregnant condition! When I had to sit behind her in court, I noticed that she is going bald, she has a flabby tummy, and she has never had children, not to mention that according to my brothers, she has cellulite all over her legs. Now I am not saying that I am perfect, by all means, I have more than a few flaws, I have 2 children, and pregnant with our third. I am the first to admit to my own flaws, but in my opinion, and others around me, who have seen her...(including his own niece, who says that she looks like a man in drag) she isnt much to squander at. In my opinion it was the fact that she has the time to give him, she is able to cater to his emotional needs, where I am busy trying to raise our children. It doesnt make me feel any better that he has chosen to leave me for someone like her, I just know, that someone else, better will come along, and grab his attention, and he will do the same to her, as he has done to me.

OK Folks,<P>Felt the need to jump in here with the remarks on physical appearance.<P>Yes, I am delivering the final D paper on Monday to the lawyer, but Val's body had nothing to do with it. And, yes, I am a guy.<P>She was born with a congenital heart defect. Tetrology of fallow. The septum [heart wall] is/was/will not be fully developed, there was a hole in the heart [leaking to the pericardium] and there is an aneurysm [big bubble] oversown with a patch on the aortic arch. Also has regurgitation of the mitral valve as an added bonus. She could have died 30 years ago. Was one of the first 10 in the US to receive corrective surgery at that time. Now it is routine.<P>Now my point, She has so many scars from the chest tubes, A lines in her neck and a big zipper down the front of her chest that is noticable to the blind. Her one breast is much smaller than the other because of the life saving measures. She has had 3 open heart surgeries so far and it is anticipated that one more will be needed.<P>I loved [love] this woman and I did not notice any of her physical flaws, if you want to call them as such. Hell, I have a big nose and she loved me.<P>So as far as appearance goes? I see an "arrest me red Viper" go down the street and say "Hey, nice ride" I still love my 86 Black and Gold Z-28. Anyone see my point?<P>Or is this Kansas, "The point of know return"?<P>Another one flew over the coo coos nest!<P>My first W was heavy. That is not why I cheated on her. We didn't get along and didn't know how to fix it. She could have looked like Heather Locklear, we still would not be together today.<P>Zip