Ok....I knew my head was right.....that ole gut instinct. Wanted to believe he was getting better. Trying. Nope<P>Got a call from my attorneys office about him picking up stuff. He is filing contempt charges tomorrow at noon on me.<P>He calls the girls for his "divorce decree" scheduled time. The get into a huge screaming match. Trying to force our 8 year old into taking dance lessons. She says no....doesn't want to do dance....wants to concentrate on school work this year. He becomes enraged. tells her that mom is to blame. Starts telling her she has to take lessons....he is the boss. After about 4 minutes of this.....she starts to cry and hangs up. He calls back. 10 year old answers and becomes defensive of her sister. Tells dad that he needs to respect them. He tells them he is the boss....they must do as he says.....they will pay for their rudeness etc. She hangs up. He calls back 8 more times....I nor the girls answer. <P>45 minutes later a sheriff shows up at door with the ex. He is screaming.....neighbors outside.....saying that my ex and her mom are big liars....he has spent over 50,000.00 on this divorce and that she will see me in court. Girls are crying...garage doors are flying down....windows are shutting.<P>I talk to sheriff.....seems my ex wants to set up time to get his stuff. I explain it all the sheriff. Told him that he is harassing me. Called 11 times. Told him that ex is stalking me. I have tape recordings of his admission. Told him that he spent 10 minutes verbally assulting the girls on the phone.<P>He goes out and talks to ex. Tells ex that he needs to quit calling. ex says that he can call anytime he wants to talk to girls. Cop says stop calling....ex says no....cop says sir....don't call anymore tonight...no more! Then tells him to not come by except to pick up children. Also tells him to not go to door because of my wishes.<P>I hear my ex telling him that I am on probation.....that I am mental....that I tried to commit suicide....That I have tried to have him arrested....but of course he hasn't been because it is all her not me...blah blah.<P>They leave....i am shaking.<P>The girls are crying....they are scared. They dislike him even more. He put on this huge show.....embarrassed me and the girls.<P>I feel like crawling under a rock.<P>He will not stop.<P>Nancy

Nancy:<P>What a horrible evil display of abuse of you and your daughters. I believe that you will prevail in court. That kind of behavior will not be ignored especially when you present all your evidence. I am so incredibly sorry for what you are enduring...and pox on your ex.<P>But, look at it this way. His loosing it on your front step in front of a cop and all the neighbors may be a blessing in disguise...it will soon be revealed who the 'mental' case is very soon. I only wish your little girls didn't have to see this selfish inconsiderate display and be traumatized by it. His actions have reserved a special place in hell for himself.<P>You are in my prayers. Stay strong.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited August 02, 2000).]

Catnip,<P>Mark my word....right now....he will prevail in court, not me. He always finds a way....deception is the key for him and he is damn good.

Mental:<P>I think your H has made a big mistake here...he has created a scene and involved the police in it...and came away looking like a utter $$s. <P>This will be hard for him to get out of or explain away...there is no credible explanation for what he did...and under what authority was the police officer there...did your H have a court order relative to why he was there? <P>Be sure you get a copy of the police report in this matter so that it is available to your attorney...sometimes officers don't remember things as well later on.<P>Courts don't look kindly on family disturbances involving children...this is his mistake...further strengthening your case for keeping children away from OW.<P>If you are not in Plan B with this man you ought to be...further contact with him is not in your best interest...until he comes to his senses and is more reasonable.<BR>Unfortunately your children cannot remove themselves from contact so you need to make the effort to make their contact as conflict free as possible. It will be to your advantage in the long run...that you made the effort to maintain their relationship with their father.<P>Let him go...Plan B if possible...give yourself some time and space to recover.<P>Buffy<P> <BR>

My God! Girl, you are in my prayers, too!<P>Those poor little kids of yours. Someday they will look back on this scene as adults. What kind of man are they going are they going to see their father as? Every kid should be love their dad, not be terrorized by him. Making a little kid cry is not the way to show "whose boss." Or to coerce their mother.<P>I get blamed for being "mental," too. I am the crazy one, the one that always makes the "scene." You are not alone. The table is always turned, and I am the one who is made to look like a weak idiot. It is not fair. (But remember that in the end, he will get what is coming to him. . .some how, some way.) <P>It is interesting how your spouse went as far as to bring the deputy with him, as if he was so certain that you are the person who is a lunatic. He just bit himself on his own butt by doing that. Now you have a witness to that scene. And what better witness than the cops. (My spouse always threatened with social workers. 'Cause of my poor parenting skills and neglect for the children. Uh-huh. Who was taking care of his kids while he was out running the town with his lady-friend? Who do the kids come to to have their needs met? Not him.)<P>I know that you are scared and that you feel black inside right now. I know the feeling well of shaking and crying until you cannot see out of your swollen eyes. Please know that you have friends that care and would love to hear from you. I will pray for you, and I mean that.

Oh crap, Nancy! I'm so sorry you and the girls have to deal with this cretin.<P> Get a copy of police report. Do you have a video camera? Get one! Tape this lunatic. Tape your girls faces when he is doing this. Then, see if your attorney can get it admitted in court. Arrrgh! I feel so bad for you. <P> You're in my prayers, hon.<BR> Mynabird

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MENTAL:<BR><B>Catnip,<P>Mark my word....right now....he will prevail in court, not me. He always finds a way....deception is the key for him and he is damn good.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mental, ouch <P>Dear lady, if you go with this attitude, sure enough he will win. As Catnip said, you have the FACTS entirely on your side.<P>You CAN beat him. Are you still with the same lawyer? You need to go in there with a plan!<P>

Hi Nancy,<P>I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sure it is embarrassing but if I saw this sort of thing going on at a neighbors I would have such sympathy for her. You have no need to be ashamed.<P>I think I've said this before, your ex is a control freak, and he is freaking out because he is losing control. He is getting really desparate and irrational. Be careful to do everything according to the court orders. Be cool and let him be a fool.<P>Take care dear, I think this will all work out better than you think.

Mental,<BR>I am so sorry you have to put up with him.LOVE AND PRAYERS,BETHN

NANCY! There is NOT going to be a police report unless you make one! Go to the station and tell them why you are there and the officers name and time he was at your home and insist on filling out YOUR part of the report explaining what happened. YOU HAVE TO DO IT, or it is not going to be there!<P>He is a SICK person! Good luck to you....<P><BR>

Your X is one piece of work! Aren't you glad you don't have to fix him? <P>The only thing you have to do is try to figure out how to have peace in your life without him!<P>#1. He was being nice for some reason. Do you really believe that he was being nice so that he could stage that yesterday? That isn't a normal way to behave. Or is he quite confused as to how to behave in the situation that he created - affair/divorce, etc....<P>#2. He has not had his personal belongings for quite some time! He is either not bothering to pick them up so that he has some sort of connection to you, or you are frustrating his attempts to pick things up. Which do you think it is?<P>#3. Why does he want daughter to take dance lessons, and why does she not want to do it? Does he think that her decision is connected to you in any way? <P>#4. The phone call access seems to be a huge issue to both of you. You do not want to be "controlled" by having to be at home at specific times, and he wants access to talking to his daughters. You do not want your life disrupted constantly, as in the display last night. Your husband feels that he doesn't have the parental influence he should be entitled to because he keeps saying that "he's the boss". What do you both want out of this situation? Do both of you want happy healthy kids? I think you both have to decide what you both want for your daughters, and then keep putting the goal in front of your fears. You probably are capable of this - but I'm not sure if he is without some sort of professional assistance.<P>Just my thoughts.<BR>TnT

I guess I'll tackle the toughy.....TNT<P>1. Yes...I do believe he was nice for this very reason. For one...it is a pattern not only through the divorce but in the last few years of our marriage. Being pushed up against a wall.....to find a bouquet of flowers the next day....strangled on a couch....he comes home early from work...with presents galore. Pushing me up against my parents brick home and to the ground on their concrete driveway....2 weeks later a ford mustang convertable. Or maybe the trips to bed and breakfasts and the gulf for vacation and gambling.....only to be punched and slapped afterwards.....then presents again. All those times I gave in....thought it was the last time....was nice to him...etc. Once I am nice...defenses fall....heart softens...then the blow.<P>2. I am frustrating his attempts to get his belongings. He wants no connection to me.<P>3. I do not know "why" this is so important to him. (dance lessons) Daughter wants to concentrate on school this year. Give it her all. She wants to play with friends after school...enjoy the rest of the "summer" weather. She is willing to think about it later....but as of right now...she just doesn't want to. Although the conversation by him stated that she "has" to do something with her life. Does she just want to be a nobody with nothing to be proud of? Yes...he thinks I have everything to do with it.<P>4. I know I want happy healthy kids. What he wants is quite a mystery. Can I give in? Yes.....Do I sometimes push the children out of my mind and the issues and think that "I" am entitled to something form all of this crap? Yes. Am I having trouble swallowing my pride, letting bygones be bygones and being mature? Yes. Do I feel that I have taken enough and it is time to stand up for myself for once? Yes. Am I capable of putting our daughters first? Yes....But do I forget that they always come first? Yes.<P>YES, Yes, Yes.....I am not always the most mature person I can be. Yes, I have trouble always doing what is best as opposed to doing what I think is right.<P>Yes I have faults....yes I sometimes feel bitterness that puts some of my decision making out in left field.<P>Yes...I am human<BR> <P>To all....I have been beaten, embarrassed, belittled, made to feel worthless, been arrested, lost the girls, gotten them back, watched my life spin terribly, had the rug ripped out from under me over and over again.<P>I am blamed for every nasty word that comes out of childrens mouth. I am blamed for everything that has gone wrong not only in my life, but in the lives of our children and my ex and I am probably being blamed for world hunger.<P>I have not been the kindest that I can be to my ex....I have avoided him in as many aspects that I can.<P>The girls have been repremanded by me for their rudeness to their father...they have been lectured for their outbursts on him by me. I have tried to be the best mother that I can be....sometimes I fail miserably...and sometimes I succeed. I have accepted these "uncontrollable" changes in my life....but I am finding it hard to accept the continueing harassment and threats. I can only take so much.<P>Nancy

Nancy,<P>Wow! That is the best response you have ever written! It was honest, and it was without any quivering! It sounded VERY strong, and I wish a judge could have heard it! <P>It was so good, that I feel like awarding you some sort of notable award! I wish there was one! <P>Hurray for you, you sound like you are the most reasonable parent, honest, and are ready to move forward for yourself and your kids sake.<P>I'm afraid that your poor piece of work x husband is being left behind in the emotional dust. YOU, MY FRIEND ARE ON YOUR WAY TO A SANE, HAPPY, PREDICTABLE LIFE.<P>Having to deal with the kind of X that you have, that ole' school of hard knocks is going to make you the best mother and quite a remarkable and achievable person.<P>You HAVE been through hell - but you are back with trophies.<P>He's the one that is MENTAL, Nancy, NOT YOU. <P>What you have been through is the most horrible abuse, and now he is finding out he cannot abuse you any longer, and he is scrambling to find someone else to control. He is the most out of control person, and because of his dysfunction - he has to find someone else to control.<P>Those kids need to learn how to set strong boundaries with their father, but they need to learn how to do it and not allow you to be blamed.<P>And your comment about probably being blamed for world hunger was a crack up! This is EXACTLY what abuse is ALL about. POWER, CONTROL, BLAME, and IN SANE BEHAVIOR.<P>You go girl. You have made my day.<BR>TNT

TNT,<P>Thanks....I needed to hear that. Wow...something positive....I did something positive.<P>I really do try.....I really do. One of my co-workers commented that I am probably the most patient person she has ever met. You know what...I think she is right.<P>Nancy

and Nancy,<P>you said that you wish you were lucky. <P>I don't believe in luck. I do believe in faith however.<P>I have faith in you. You are a remarkable woman, and that is what I believe.<BR>TNT

Back and forth, back and forth. I know. He punishes you, then once he figures that you have learned your lesson, then he wins you back with "lovies."<P>I am fortunate. All I got was yelled at and called names. He mostly took out his anger on inanimate objects, so I can't even imagine how you feel. But I know the drill. After being humiliated and slammed, and after I had hidden in the bedroom for a couple hours, he would come in for a booty-call and expected me to respond cheerfully.<P>Girl, you know what you have to do, and you have to muster up a lot of courage to do it. I am so sorry. Like I said, you are in my prayers.<P>Mary<P>

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hanora,<P>I guess I missed my calling.....Hollywood here I come.<P>Thanks everyone....there is a calm. I have heard nothing from him....not even a call. Talked to my attorneys office on Wed. , after the sheriff thing. Needless to say, attorney is not happy.<P>The Brickyard is going on this weekend....so since the OW is a huge racing fan...he will probably be at the track all weekend. Saves the girls and I from his crap.<P>Nancy

Nancy,<P>I understand what you're going through. My husband was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. No matter how much he blames you for everything wrong in his life, <B>it is not your fault</B>. Your xh sounds like a classic batterer. <P>The following link may help you. I read this article shortly after my husband was arrested for assaulting me. It helped me to see clearly that 1) I was not crazy like my H said I was, 2) it was not my fault, 3) my husband is most definitely a batterer. He has gone to two batterers intervention classes and the change has been dramatic.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm</A> <P>God bless you, <BR>AW

AW,<P>I know that it is not my fault....but they certainly have a way of convincing you that you are to blame....for everything. And I certainly was ready to accept any blame to save my marriage.<P>I went to Domestic Violence classes for about 5 months. Learned alot.....but it still doesn't take away the pain and sometimes you still slip back into the "denial" phase.<P>He still hurts me emotionally and mentally and verbally.....because I still let him. I still have trouble remembering that its him, not me. I guess I still want to believe that he will get better. I guess not.<P>Nancy