<BR>I believe my husband is <BR>having an affair. I believe <BR>he is addicted to this OW who <BR>is a co-worker of his. If <BR>there is an affair it has <BR>been going on for almost 2 <BR>years now. My husband in all <BR>of our 10 years of marriage <BR>has never given me reason to <BR>doubt him in the past. Over <BR>the past 2 years since we <BR>relocated there have been <BR>countless lies, deception, <BR>cruel words and on my part, <BR>horrible lonliness and <BR>sadness. He will not confirm <BR>this affair and always says <BR>that he would never leave me <BR>or his kids. I love him so <BR>much that I talk myself into <BR>trusting him. I allow him to <BR>justify the "whys" and the <BR>"hows"... Sometimes I wish I <BR>could find a man of my own to <BR>have a "Close Friendship" <BR>with like he does. (Don't <BR>get me wrong, I have seen <BR>love notes and have phone <BR>receipts etc that show that <BR>his relationship is more than <BR>"just friends"). But my point <BR>is that I wish I could have <BR>an affair...maybe not sexual, <BR>but emotional. Bottom <BR>line...I am going completely <BR>insane from this. Being lied <BR>to and deceived by the man of <BR>your dreams is so vile. I <BR>may never recover from this. <BR>Is there anyone else who can <BR>relate to me?? Please <BR>respond. Thank you.<P>------------------<BR><BR>JJJ

Unfortunately, I can tell you from experience, if you feel that he's having an affair, you are probably right. I knew something was up with my H, even though he would deny angrily, and say things like "I'm not screwing so-and-so, but if you want me to I will." Turns out he was all along. Now she's pg. When did he finally admit that he had this affair, almost a year after I left him, when he realized what he was losing in me, and finally got up the nerve to be honest about it. He knew there would be no chance with us unless it was over, and unless he admitted what he did. Your husband may never admit it. Just take care of yourself. Do what you have to do for your sanity's sake. I suggest counseling or a seperation, because if he's not willing to be honest with you, there won't be much you can do to help the marriage survive. Take some time and think, if you want to stay in your marriage, and make it work. Maybe if you say you are leaving it will scare him into being honest with you, maybe not. You definitely have to do something, and if I were you, I would concentrate on what is best for you right now. Hope things get better for you.

jjj, I haven't seen you post before but can tell you if this is a first post..you came to the right place.<P>I have a similar story, however, my H's behavior became very bizaar as well.<P>My H's affair is with a coworker also. A married coworker who called herself the "office wife". A woman with 2 children who portrayed herself as a damsel in distress with a lousy H who can suddenly take her children. .<P>It is devastating to say the least. My H moved out before I was aware of many of the details. HE acted like he was having a MLC. I didn't find MB until after he moved out. With your H at home you can begin to use the information you recieve here.<P>Plan A is a great way to start. Information can be found in the concept section of the MB site. Keep reading... trying to meet your H's needs and posting here. <P>You will find a lot of support here from others going through the same thing.

Welcome <B>JJJ</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You need to suppress ideas of seeing a new man... from the book that is most recommended... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! (page 171 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do start on a good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>...and if you're really new to this site... start at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited August 06, 2000).]

Thank you for your replies. You bring up good points. Most specific being meeting his needs...please forgive me for not understanding the abbreviations that are used, but I believe you are refering to the emotional needs section I read about in other posts. WHen I first became aware that my husband had another woman in his life he voiced a dissatisfaction with my size...I have never been "thin" and always assumed that he didn't care that I was overweight. I was so horrified. He then went on to tell me that the reason he and this OW have remained such a secret is because she is attractive. He claims to have been "protecting me" from feeling inferior. (Great work!) You would think that hearing your husband say that he is embarrased of your size would lead you full steam to Weight Watchers but it didn't for me. In fact, I went several months before I made any real attempt at losing weight. I was paralyzed by his admission. I felt so horrible that I found myself unable to diet...It wasn't until a horrible blow up that we had in December where I actually had my bags and the children's packed until he rushed home to stop us, that I wanted to make changes for myself. He convinced me that he would have no more contact with her. He even informed me that she was transferring out of his office in the months to come. He was so sincere. Guess what? I felt so positive about myself and our marriage that I did go to Jenny Craig and I lost 45 pounds!! (Still not enough to be "thin"...but a start. I have 40 more to go) Long story, I know. My husbands need is to have an attractive wife. Last week I found some evidence that my husband may have lied to me about his where-abouts during a business trip in June. I havn't been able to concentrate on dieting since. It's such a struggle anyway but the stress that his behavior puts on me makes it so much worse. What do you do when the emotional need is going to take such a long time to be met??? 40 more pounds will take another 5 months...easy. SOmetimes I think I sabotage myself because I'm afraid that thinning out won't even do the trick with my marriage!! WHAT A MESS AM I???? Oh yes, and to add fuel to the fire, my husband is an attractive,fit, black man, I am Italian. The OW is a beautiful thin black woman in his same profession. I've never been good at competition. I'm so tempted to give up!<P>

JJJ,<BR>Im in the same situation. H has had a friend at work for 1 and a half years now. I have confronted him with phone calls, hang up calls from her, gifts, cards, calls to her from our vacation, her writting she cried when he went on vacation. All I got was they are good friends. Right. He wants to leave because I don't trust him. I have come to the realization that he may never admitt it to me or maybe even to himself. I have given up on trying to get him to. I know what is going on and I am not crazy, neither are you.<P>Read this board and NSRs welcome post. You will know you ae not alone, you should trust your instincts and you will come out of this stronger in one way or another. <BR>Lora

Lora,<P>So what do you do now? You say that you have given up trying...are you at peace with that? Have you decided that you will "wait it out?" Girlfriends I have confided in have told me to stop "looking" for lies and deception....I should try to live day to day as if I have no instinct that anything else is going on... Is that possible? Do you have a handle on those feelings? We seem to have such similar situations. My husband has said once or twice that he wants "peace"...in other words he wants me to stop questioning his every move. He says I'm just looking for problems.<P>When I confront him with real facts, he is always deeply sorry and says that they only have a friendship and he would never be unfaithful. HE always says he is dishonest about things because he wants to protect me from any further heartbreak. My take on it is that he can't seperate himself from her, she always comes back into the picture one way or another, and he is not willing to put his relationship with me first.<BR>Any reply?

JJJ,<BR>Im more like you than you know. I have lost 40 pounds and have about 25 to go.<P>I just wrote a long reply and got cut off. I hate that. <P>Am I at peace... no way. I am getting angy. I did try to stop snopping for myself and my sanity,but my H is the master at not comunicating and I felt compelled to snop to find out what was going on. Now we just had a talk and he is planing on moveing out sept 1. <P>There are several of us here in this situation and I think it is especially difficlt. If they admit to an affair and want out or want to repair its one thing. But the friends thing seems hard to break out of. <BR>Lora