hello all,<P> We returned ast night from a week at a remote cottage (husband, myself and kids). Even though I vowed to myself I wouldn't make an issue of things I did. My husband has been home 1 month and says he is "trying". What he means by trying I realize is he is trying to see if he can feel anything for me again. He wants to feels passionately in love but still has so much unresolved anger(!!!) towards me. (remember He was the betrayer!). <P>Anyway when he first came home I pushed the intimacy thing because I wanted to feel reconnected. He went along with it but you could feel resistance on his part. A few weeks ago he said he was uncomfortable with this because he still wasn't sure wanted or how he felt (more hurt). I backed off but still hugged kissed and said I loved him frequently.<P>Well I guess subconsciouly at the cottage I expectedus to reconnect and begin relations again. One night I pushed it and when he pushed me away I started crying saying I wanted a husband that wanted me etc.<P>What came out (again!) was that he was still unsure and then rage about how I had mistreated him for the last few years. Also that I still wanted things my way by pushing things and that it wasn't about me this time it was about him.<P>The next day I was a mess. We talked a little and agreed that we just go about things differently. He said I know what I want but he doesn't yet.<P>Before we had gone away I hadcome to the conclusion that if it didn't work out it wasn't because Iwasn't trying and that it was his problem at that point. I guess I have been trying too hard. I am such a control freak I guess. Ihave been leaving books out for him to see. Hesaid that makes him feel so pressured.<P>I guess the hardest thing for me to learn is to just back off. I know he is home and trying(what ever that means) I guess I have to stop trying so hard. Littlemurph, you said they are on their own time table and that's what I have to remember.<P>so I guess my lesson for now is to back off, Plan Aand not try so hard.Any comments or suggestions would be apreciated. Tommorrow we are going away with friends for a week and it will be easier because there will be others there I guess.<P> Kris

My husband said & acted very similarly when he was still "unsure". In order to have his affair, he had to make me the "bad guy". He also didn't want to give me hope. Ouch.<P>Is he willing to go to counseling? You may benefit from going alone if he won't. It also shows him you are willing to seek help to change--if he can see it that way.<P>Keep going with Plan A. This was an emotional set-back for you, but nothing in your situation has really changed, if you want your marriage, you can still act as his wife, even if it feels like you don't have a husband.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hng in there...you are doing fine.<P>Keep in mind that while the past month has probably felt a year long, it is only a month. These feelings take time to resolve.<P>It was great that you were able to talk about it the next day!<P>Kathi

Lor - we are both seeing the same counselor but individually at this point. He has made a sincere effort to go even when his schedule is tight. She has even told me he is trapped in this anger mode. I can't do anything about that but wait I guess. It's ironic that he's the one having trouble with forgiveness.<P>Kam6318- a month feels like eternity to me right now. I feel that if he resists intimacy it will take so much longer and that we can get trapped into it becoming an issue into it's self which I don't want. The strange thing to me is we are getting along so well that I feel like how can he be so unsure? Is he just the world's best faker because I never knew he was as unhappy as he was in the first place(he says how could I not he gave me all the signs)? <P>At this point I am resigned to patience and fortitude but I am sooo jealous of couples that recommitted mutually.<P>One telling thing he said that night was one of the worst things I ever did was forgive him for his affair. I think that's because that leaves him as the bad guy and now he has to grow up, put up or be the bad person which he can't see himself as. <P> Kris

Kris,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>One telling thing he said that night was one of the worst things I ever did was forgive him for his affair. I think that's because that leaves him as the bad guy and now he has to grow up, put up or be the bad person which he can't see himself as.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Are you guessing why? Did you ask him?<P>It is extremely hard when you are hurting, but try to see things from his perspective, be a friend to him. I too had a hard time backing off, but I did it.<P>I believe the Harleys are right in their counselling approach. They don't deal directly with the anger or other emotions. They go right to meeting needs, a black and white plan, and ask you at each session how each other is doing.<P>We counselled with Jennifer Harley. She also motivated him to get off his duff and start meeting my needs. <P>

Oh, Kris,<BR>As you know, you and I are on the same page. It's so hard to back off, isn't it??? It is so hard to understand their reluctance and lack of wanting intimacy and it hurts. The rejection is so hard... Do hang in there; I think my situation is improving - a little. I guess it just takes time, and one thing I am not long on right now is patience. Keep Plan Aing - your H is still in withdrawal and is probably feeling very bad about himself. Go back and read JL, Mike's, etc, posts to me... they help.<BR>Take care, and I will be thinking of you!!!<BR>A

Annc - believe me I have read and reread some of the posts to you because our situations seem similiar in this aspect. Happily last night we really talked and I think we made progress.<P>He said he wouldn't be here if he didn't want it to work out but that he feels like a top spinning and spinning and can't seem to get any control. He can't commit or even think straight. I told him I was willing to wait for him to come to terms with things if I thought we were both trying for the same thing. I said I had patience but not an infinite amount and eventually it would take it's toll. He agreed with me and said I have been so good. We talked about the possibility of him going on antidepressants to try and regain some control (I have been on Zoloft since May and it has really helped me not feel like my head was going to explode!!) We talked the most honestly we have so far.<P>So I will force myself to BACK OFF even though it goes against my own needs. Last night was the first time I actually though we are going to get through this!! Just a little while ago when he left for an errand he gave me a kiss (miracles of miracles). Later today we are going away with friends for the week. I vow to myself to just have fun. It should be easier to not push things with others around. Wish me luck!! <P>Schizzo- I am just guessing what he meant by that comment. But I think you are right about the dealing with needs and not the anger. I can't solve that. That has to come when he is ready and hopefully that is what counseling is doing. When we spoke last night I also shed some post therapy light on my behavior ( For ex. putting the kids first because they are adopted and I guess I felt I had to work harder to be the perfect mother.)<P>I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is a faint glimmer but it's there!!! thanks again to you all!!<P> Kris

Kris, <BR>Wow, he gave you a kiss!! That is a good sign. And you said you saw the light at the end of the tunnel...that is great! I remember saying that to myself a few months ago...things are so much better now. Still recovering (two steps forward, one step back), but certainly better. So, have faith. All signs point to a 'normal' recovery as far as I'm concerned. It seems sooo slow to us. But ya know, it helped me to remember something I read somewhere about how you help a wound to heal. You don't constantly pick at it....you have to cover it and take care of it. Like our marriage relationships. (I'm a nurse, so whaddya expect? )<BR>Anyhow, keep your chin up. That light in the tunnel will get a little closer over time. IT DOES!! As the anger leaves, it gets a lot easier. Good luck to you!