My story in a nutshell:<P>January: Wife goes to FL with girlfriend while I am working on big work project. Her parents come to our house to watch 4 yr. old daughter (wife 42, me 40). Wife comes home and is very indifferent to life in general. Marriage had been best ever in 11 years.<P>February: Indifference continues, sex is more often than ever.<P>March: W tells me she's been seeing psychologist for 5 months, wants me to go to her counsellor for marriage counselling. First 2 sessions make it sound like it's going to be a piece of cake.<P>April: W says she needs separation. Wants to sell our dream home and move 3 hours back to her hometown with D. Says she's not in love, I'm a great person and parent, but she's changed. We agree that I move out to Dad's instead of liquidating our property. 2 days after I move out, she asks me what my time frame is (I thought this question was better posed TO HER!)<P>May: She says it's over. Big battle and anger is that I won't let her move out of state with D.<P>June: I find our long distance bills were being sent to her girlfriend's during Jan, Feb, March. I get them faxed over and there are 25-30 calls to FL. Find out her HS crush lives there in winter and in W's hometown in New England in Spring/Summer/Fall. Wife Files for D the day after confronted. That was our last counselling session.<P>Since all this, W has been away at locales unknown every weekend but 2; left me with daughter. D and I went to Disneyworld for 1 week. <P>I have been Plan A'ing my butt off but without an agreement for her to avoid contact with OM. Afterall, she filed for D.<P>All this happened so fast. Before her FL trip, all I heard was "I'd be lost without you," "you're stuck with me baby," "I'm so lucky to have you," etc....<P>Am I nuts to be trying to keep this 180 going at this point?? My Daughter means everything to me.<P>How can a 42 year old woman (married 11 years) go after her HS crush with a 4 yr old at home?? And while her parents are in our home watching D? All this when our marriage was at an all time high? She just denies it and says she changed and it was coming on for years.<P>I don't know what keeps me going, but I'm still not giving up. Keep in mind, we're under the same roof (not in the same bed). Major MLC?<P>Is she wackadoodle?? <BR><p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited August 07, 2000).]

Yes, keep going. Read on this board, read on the site, get the book SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley. NSR in the "Just found out" forum has a great "Welcome" post with links. There are people here on this board who have "Plan A" all through their divorce.<P>If you want the marriage, Marriage Builders and Plan A is a very good way to go. It still is difficult, and painful, especially when you know she is disappearing every weekend--she doesn't have the right to do that. But at this time you have to be the adult and make sure that your child is being cared for and loved. Her parent's obviously have a screw loose as well. <P>It takes time and patience...my H & I are together in recovery 2 1/2 years after his affair began. The journey was tough.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Welcome <B>catamount82</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>Here is the quick link to my welcome that Lor mentioned...<BR>It, istself, has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site).<P>Please consider this seriously...<BR>...and start thinking more seriously about custody issues.<P>My W has been pushing the divorce down my throat...<BR>...and it has been a battle to stop(actually slow it down).<P>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> like Lor says...<P>...listen to her words...<BR>...she's been through it all...<BR>...from both sides!<P> <P>Jim

Lor, Jim,<P>Thank you from the core of my being. It's so wonderful to know there are others who have experienced and overcome the pain, the roller coasters and all the other cliches that define our "journey". <P>It was tough getting started with Plan A, but you really do feel the power. It's a shame that the spouse trying to work on the marriage turns over so many stones such as reading these boards, finding that life has many simple pleasures to offer, and gaining fulfillment from within, etc... and the wayward just acts on impulse and doesn't expose themselves to anything emotionally enriching. They are focused on themselves and the "objects" that make them feel good. <P>I just watched a tape of Oprah today with Dr. Phil McGraw. Partnership is so fundamental it's scary. I guess you have to go through the pain we all have experienced to realize that. It's a shame and a sham that so many people give up on relationships that can be renewed. Is it a sign of weakness, immaturity, selfishness, mental illness, upbringing, disrespect for the sanctity of a marital relationship, or a combination of one or more of these or others? <P>I think the answer is that it comes from within. Then and only then can your relationship soar like an eagle. <P>I'm ready.<P>jay<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited August 08, 2000).]