I, like so many on this board, have been through the h*** that infidelity brings with it... (along with my kids)... Plus, my H had a bizaar grandiose personality change to boot!<P>I plan A'd thought things were getting better, she moved out, (they work together very closely)... he only admitted to "close coworking bond"<P>I stopped talking, he got mad. We had the big blowout. He admits to SEX! I flip out more. I yell about D, he yells about D, I end up having to tell kids.<P>Then I start talking to him the next night and suddenly his possession seems to be dissipating. Was it just guilt all along. Was it obsession??? He says he's not coming back.<P>I get a call from my lawyer, who got a letter from his.....<P>Then tonight he comes over to get tools and asks me to go into the other room with him at which point he says "I'm sorry for what I've done to you and the kids" and crys.<P>Nothing more. I cannot say anything because I can't say "it's ok" or "I know you are". I just reach out and hug him. That's it.<P>So.... is this it. He just emotionally abuses me and the kids for 8 months... gets me to finally yell D and tell kids and his family and he just gets to say "I'm sorry".<P>NO explanation, no discussion, no where did we go wrong. I still haven't heard what needs I didn't meet. Is he just going to tell me he accidentally fell in love with his soul mate, the (christian) married woman with two kids who supposedly had a horrible marraige, who called herself the offic wife to my face, who told her H every stinking detail of what was going on with them in in my life and what I said to my H ....<P>He's willing to give up his reputation, the trust of his kids, the respect of his family (esp mom) since he admits he said nothing,,,did nothing......<P>Just go on our merry way... He enjoying the new life since he's "changed" and me raising the three kids.<P>Who is this man?<P>It is obvious he hates himself right now and self-destructed. He just thinks there is no way back. Doesn't like the hard work. Easier to move on and recreate.<P>Don't worry, Iknow there are no answers... just venting.

TOOtrusting<BR>Could have written your post myself,only raising to kids.Love and prayers,bethn

tootrusting,<P>I could have written this post too, several months ago. But, if you want your marriage back, keep on Plan A.<P>You read my post, so you know where I am now. My H is slowly seeing the damage he has caused.<P>Your H is not thinking clearly. He is confused and frustrated and you have every right to be angry with him. But, being angry is not going to lead you anywhere but divorce court.<P>Take some time to think about this. I see some positives signs here. He hugged you. He cried. He apologized. He doesnt' fully understand what is happening here. His "I'm sorry" was probably very real from where is is sitting.<P>I know this is a terrible thing to go through, and it's awful to see what it does to your children. Be strong for them. They need you right now.<P>My advice, even tho you didn't ask for it , it to just let him do what he needs to do. Don't talk about your relationship; OW's relationship; nothing too personal. He needs time right now to figure out what he is looking for.<P>Sending prayers and hugs to you.<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl

thanks for the replies.<P>I wish I wouldn't have focused so much on the relationship with OP. I always admitted to him I didn't think it was THE problem.<P>But he was so weird... and wouldn't admit until recently the physical stuff.<P>I CAN now that I know not say any more, but we are heading to D court. I did tell him he would have to file. I did tell him this is not what I wanted. That I thought we could make it even though it would be hard. <P>This was one of the very few times that I saw ANY guilt, ANY remorse and definately the first time I heard any mention of how he had hurt the kids. Prior to this all he said was "the kids will be fine" or the "kids are fine"<P>Yes, I'll plan A, but it really seems like he ain't coming back.<P>I did read your story, but you know, this OP is smart, manipulative and has had her hooks in him a long time. She is a coworker who does it all. She is his assistant, but works like a partner. <P>

TT<P>I think this is key:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>He just thinks there is no way back. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know that if things had gotten [physical with the OM for me I would have felt that there was no way back, that I had closed the door, the deed was done. I would have felt as though my H SHOULDN'T take me back, that I didn't deserve his love, that my decision was made with the act all I could do was live with it and make the best of this new road I paved for myself. Part of me feels that way anyway, even without the PA.<P>If you still want your marriage, show him the way back.

Your hugging him when he said he was sorry was good...not condoning his behavior, but just showing him compassion.<P>Your telling him you didn't want the D, and that he would have to file was good. He may well take a while to stew in his misery and not file...giving more time for him to wake up.<P>It sounds like this crisis may have really broken the internal stalemate he's been at...now he realizes he must make a choice, and he is starting to see things a bit more clearly.<P>Keep up the Plan A....I have a feeling it ain't yet over...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

Thanks for the replies. I do think this crisis broke the stalemate. I think he feels relief to finally admit it is an affair. <P>I can see his "possession" lessening. Perhaps little by little the realities of what has happedned will start to dawn on him. I will do plan A. I will not mention their relationship at all... I will continue on my path as well. I am starting school... again.... at age 43 to restart my career.. I will not change that. I am working on myself no matter what.<P>I'm not sure I can help himfind his way back though. He has to look for those opennings himself. I say this because it is impossible to talk to him about much of this. He just won't do it. He is almost too much of an intellectual. He has to figure things out himself.<P>He now feels the burdon of making a decision lifted. He knows he is now free. Our children are expecting that we will get a D..so is his family. <P>It was the first time I believed he was sorry for what he did to the kids. He had really disconnected from them. He treated them as if they were not worthy of him. He was cold and distant. I don't think I will see that in him from now on based on last night.]<P>My H has done this a lot in his life. Walked away. It is truly from emotional immaturity. I still believe the root lies somewhere deep inside of him... He is still in counseling. I worry that he and OP are just sympathizing with eachother that they are just two defective people who though they hurt alot of people can't change.<P>I pray every day that he finds that real inner light that I saw when I first met him.<P>I knew his emotional weaknesses...accepted them, and then withdrew myself in the past year or two..due to the fatigue of carrying all the emotional baggage.<P>But I do believe the light is still inside of him. I keep the nagging thoughts that he won't change or see it, just so I can help myself move forward. Because in the end.. It really isn't me who can make his choices.

You are SO very right. Keep on with Plan A, with working on yourself...but only he can find the answers to the inner questions he has. You sound strong & good today!!!<P>I am glad he is in counseling, and will keep you and yours in my prayers.<P>Kathi<P>

He came to pick up the kids. wanted to bolt out. would look at me for 1 second..and i looked good. My kids all told me I looked beautiful... See what a little blush and lipstick do!!!!!<P>I am wondering if he filed today and feels guilty. I guess its' good he's feeling anything. He has been so numb for so long.

TT,<P>Your post could have been me and my H.<P>He came over a week or so after separation to p/u personal items. He wnated to come into the house. I could tell he was nervous, his right hand twitches when he's nervous.<P>He said, "Resilient, I'm sooo sorry I've caused you so much pain, I'm just so sorry".<P>I too hugged him but didn't know what to say back, I was just silent.<P>After he left I was angry, SORRY!, SORRY! how the frick does that help the pain I'm feeling and have felt for the last 10 months, not to mention whats on the horizon.<P>So he walked away with saying that and I AGAIN have to be the forgiving one. <P>TT, I believe the fact he did say he's sorry is a good think and somewhat of a barrior he has broken thru. He has been stonewall Jackson for so long ... now he has to start facing REAL life, the fantasy is on it's way out. He'll need to realize this is for real and he's gonna loose so much, he can't just stick it on the back burner any longer it right in his face.<P>If he's an intellectual man as you say, I believe he'll give it some time to process thru then try doing a visual picture in his mind of what life will be like to be D and with OW, a picture he is going to have a hard time painting. It won't add up and it will really shake him up. It's a helluva lot to give up. Give him time, like I said before ... Time is KEY.<P>As far as you focusing on OW in the past, don;t beat yourself up about it. Ive done the same and still slip and do it. It is a BIG no no, because the problems that exist between you two that brought you here (EN not met) has nothing to do with OW. I know you agree with me on this.<P>I'm saying prayers for you TT, I always keep an eye out for your posts to hear how things are. Lately you've been going thru the meat grinder and I'm sorry for it.<P>Be well and stay strong. I believe in you!<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 08, 2000).]

TT,<P>You and I are so lucky in a way. When we post here we get such wisdom, each and every time. You got some wonderful advice on this thread, and kam was right, you sound really good today.<P>I posted today, kind of a "is it time for plan b" post. It's so difficult to know what to do next. We MBers are doers...fixers...the hardest part of this for us is the letting go of any control we feel we may have. I'm kind of scared right now because I've lost so much weight, so quickly, that I wonder if that's how I'm getting some control over my life...I will myself daily to not eat. Weird stuff comes out of this mess.<P>TT, you do sound good, and it's nice to hear. You know you look good, your plans for yourself are progressing very nicely. I too have been a SAHM for a long time, and am a bit scared of the job search...which better start soon here for me. I'd also like to encourage you to Plan A with your H right now. Sounds like he is coming out of the foggy mess a bit. He is starting to look sane again, and with sanity...he may start to look at the whole picture here. <P>I'm hoping for only the best for you.<P>allison<P>

Thanks Jo and Allison, Sometimes it's so hard to Plan A. It is like you are giving them your blessings.<P>I keep trying to tell myself that I am plan Aing for me. I think I finally get it. Plan A IS for me... not a game. So when the time comes... I won't have any regrets. I know I will have "done the right thing"<P>I am assuming he is not coming back. I am assuming I will go on with my plans and get a job, continue to feel and look better, take great care of my kids and in the end.... if it is a Divorce and the breakup of our family... I will be the better person for it.<P>

Tootrusting:<P>Regardless of what your H does from this point on...you are going to make it...you are beginning to let go of your H and OW at last and are beginning to see a future ahead for you.<P>That is a huge step in the right direction.<BR>Your concentration on H and OW has kept you from working on what needed to be done to restore your marriage. Sorta like not being able to see the forest for the trees.<P>Take the "I'm sorry" as a gift. My H has never said such to me. To see the damage he has done may mean the fog may be lifting at little. <P>Keep working on your Plan A and don't worry about D until it is a reality...it may never be.<P>Buffy <P>

Somehow with knowledge comes power. What I mean by that is that now that it has come from the "horse's mouth" so to speak... I feel like I have control for the very first time since this horrible "thing" happened.<P>Seems silly I know... but I think of my response to the trip and after the trip upon finding the note from her and all of his lies to me and his family.<P>And me thinking I was going nuts... that maybe he did just "change" and have an antimaterialistic bond with his coworker that he really enjoyed working with!!!<P>I can hear so much bizaar stuff coming from his mouth....<P>But now I know. It was an AFFAIR. Even though we now how detrimental EA's can be to a relationship since they drain energy from the primary relationships a PA produces more guilt. At least it will for my H.<P>It 's harder to justify. <P>Somehow, I feel a burdon lifted from me as well. I hated the pretend plastic smiles. No matter what happens now, I feel that what I will be starting to see is real.<P>Yes.. I can stop focusing on H and OW. It's out there now.. It is a reality.