You have done so much for me this week by helping me evaluate were I am at and exploring possibilities to improve emotional intimacy with my H.<P>I don't expect it to happen over night (although that night time stuff could help ), but if I make a plan and consistantly work it, I hope to see some progress.<P>I think my approach needs to be two-fold. Since my H really values self sufficiency and since the timing and the opportunity has presented itself, is time to recreate myself. After all I am almost 41 and I haven't had any crisis. Don't I deserve a crisis? <P>Really, I have pretty much quit my part time job, due to the sale of the business, and instead looking anywear else for work, I am going to look within.<P>I am going to pursue a dream I have had since I was in High School and didn't pursue because it didn't seem serious enough. Since I didn't tell anyone about it, of course no one encouraged me. Well, now my H is encouraging me, bless his little old clueless heart, and I am going to do it. <P>However, my first priority will be my home and family, which has always been my heart's priority, but job and schedules got in the way. We have a warm and wonderful home filled with love, but things fall through the cracks and we are always on the run. My first priority to bring order within the household. More family meals, a cleaner house (kitchen & bathroom have always been [censored] and span), laundry not only clean but in the drawers. Schedules planned out more diligently. I just want to be 100% there for my H and kids to take the stress off.<P>I am going to get in better shape. Weight has never been an issue for me...I was always slender, but pounds have been creeping on and waistbands are a little bit tight. I also could be more toned. I started a walking program about a month ago and have already seen results in my energy level. When I really get up to speed with that I'd like to work harder to tighten and tone. Not expecting mircles after 3 births, but I'd feel better looking in the mirror. Surprisingly I don't think it makes too much difference to H. He likes a natural look and he has not seemed to see any change in my body as negative. He's kind of a cool guy in that department.<P>I figure if I feel good about what I am doing, I'll be naturally more attractive. I can't imagine caring less about my marriage, but maybe I won't obsess quite as much.<P>I will also figure out a savings plan so that by next year my H can buy another sailboat that isn't a "project". Until then I will take him on walks by the docks, buy him sailing magazines, go to boat shows and fuel his dream.<P>In the winter I will ski as much as possible and maybe try to surprise him with at least a few days of skiing out west, then again maybe I should involve him in that plan.<P>I will also continue with all my Plan A behavior, which is really is quite easy (unless I want to give him a whack with Dazed's hammer).<P>AND I am going to make a direct appeal to get my own needs met, understanding I can not control that outcome and I am taking a risk.<P>Now I am still figuring out HOW I am going to bring this up. I'm thinking of talking up all the wonderful things he does for me and how I want our marriage to be "the best". Since he likes how things are, this my get a little sticky. I'll tell him how I know he wants me to be happy in every way and there are a few areas that I am willing to give him clear direction on that would make me FEEL more of the love he has for me, if he would like to try. I of course would make him the same offer, being very careful not to stress the needs aspect, because as JL pointed out...men aren't needy , at least in their own mind.<P>My H is actually anti-needy.<P>I will ask him to fill out the workbook with me. He won't like this. I'm not sure he will even like this when he is finished. I can't say I feel great about it, but at least it is a clear way to define myself and he himself. I doubt if he will be honest and he will fill out what he thinks I want to hear, but I could be wrong. Since we read SAA together post discovery, he should remember the concepts.<P>I feel very good about everything I am doing to change myself and change the dynamics of our home life and enhance our recreational companionship.<P>I have to admit I feel unsettled about pushing my needs thing. It could backfire on me and I would be further behind.<P>However, if I don't make things CLEAR and he isn't going to get a clue on his own, it seems I should be taking at least some initiative and responsibility to move in that direction.<P>So how is the plan. PLEASE critique!!!<P>LOVE YOU ALL!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!

Okay Madonna:<P>I wouldn't say that men are anti-needy; they don't really think about what they want. Then, they don't express it. Then, they don't realize what it is they need until it walks out the door.<P>Your plan to reinvent yourself sounds great--everything that can do to make yourself and your spouse happier is worth investing in.<P>The hardest part is writing down and analyzing; it seems silly at first, most people don't think that they actually have to have a day by day "agenda" for what they think will make them happy, but that's important too. Especially since it is a clear plan that communicates to your husband what you what out of life and it encourages him to share what he wants out of life. So that everyone is understanding, and will prevent anymore "mistakes" from happening again.<P>The excercise part is good, too. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than keeping your bod healthy. Maybe this is something that you and he can do together?<P>

Way to go, FHL!<P>So, what is the dream since high school, to have the time to do all these things??<P>I felt really validated learning I am an NF, and it's ok to want to search for my own identity.<P>I feel like I could have written most of what you said. I finally have the kids in school part-time and my plan is very similar. I felt some pressure to do something "serious" with my life, get a job, etc.<P>DO make your needs known in a positive way. I still believe he can get a clue.<P>I would appreciate your comments on my dilemma (that I'm about to write) as well.<P>Take care, dear lady.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...laundry not only clean but in the drawers...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If this happened on a regular basis in my HH, my H would know something was up <P>Sounds great. You GO, girl!<P>Kathi

FHL,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Well, now my H is encouraging me, bless his little old clueless heart, and I am going to do it. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This sounds like he may have inadvertantly picked up a clue!<P>I like your plan. It fuels his dreams without denying yourself your own. Way to go!

You go, Girl!<P>Like your plan. Gotta always have a plan.<BR>Especially like what FHL is gonna do for FHL! She's an awesome lady.<P>And don't worry about becoming Martha Stewart if it isn't meeting a big need for your H. Martha doesn't look like she gets much "action" anyway. <P>Hey, thanx for the pers. quiz. Don't know what to do with the info yet tho. I'm one of those healer thingies, too. <P>About the workbook thing. You think your H (Mr. Logic) won't be interested but want him to do it anyway. Aren't you worried that be kind of counterproductive? Aren't they supposed to be a little enthused and motivated somethow? All this emotional/relationship stuff but seem so foreign to him.<P>What if you brought up what your needs are or desire to work on the marriage in the same format that they bring up problems at his workplace? My guy was talking in terms of "POC" (Plan of Correction) when we POJA'd the other eve. Thought that was so cute. He could relate much better to the discussion that way--made it more familiar and "do-able" in that light.<P>How does your H's workplace handle problems--what's the terminology and format? If you're going to teach or relate something--you have to have your students' or audiences attention. Gotta get 'em where they live, so to speak.<P>Just a thought. Now go get 'em!<P> <BR>