Me again. Supposed to be getting ready, and more emotional stuff...<P>As I told NSR last week, I met my bioDAd (BF) at 17. There had been nothing between when I was 1 (their divorce) and 17.<P>The relationship has always been undefined. When I had my son, he suddenly had interest in being part of his life. I was willing, I did not know any of my grandparents!<P>But his wife has always hated me. They play mind games and I ping between them. She was mad about something (that wasn't my fault) and my BF did not return calls or anything for almost a year! I didn't know what to tell the kids?<P>My h cannot understand why I can't have some kind of relationship with them. He has actually pushed me, well-intentioned, in that direction.<P>So after a year of not contacting me, he suddenly wants to go back to "normal". This was a little before dday. I have not confided anything in my BF.<P>They wanted to see the kids, and we worked it so we could swing by as part of this trip I'm starting tomorrow.<P>I called today and talked to his wife. She starts saying she doesn't know about them meeting us in Philly because BF wouldn't let her drive to Philly for HER son.<P>I tell her sweetly, using all the skills I've learned here, that they had asked to see the kids and I just wanted to know how we could best work it out. I wanted to know what to expect. She said " I don't want to talk about this" and hung up on me.<P>It left me cold. The pain of being dumped again and again by my BF (if she's mad at me again, he just might) overwhelmed me and I've been crying buckets.<P>I sent him an email for once being very clear about where I stand...<P>The feeling of rejection triggers me so much more than it ever has...<P>Thanks for letting me vent.<P>Yes, it's still the same morning that I found out my MIL is stealing from me, and h is still out in Argentina. I need to be ready to go on our trip when he gets in tomorrow am. He will be home a total of 1 hour. (Change of luggage.)<P>I don't want to cut off BF entirely because of the kids, but I must find a way to clearly set limits. I don't even mind seeing them and putting on the fake smile occasionally...<P>Had to add this. FHL made a comment about the timing. I have wanted to work on myself and getting rid of the emotional baggage.<P>The opportunities to do so are coming fast!<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited August 10, 2000).]

Sometimes do you wonder if the locusts are next?<P>I have no experience in this, but you have the skills necessary to handle this.<P>Your BF's wife obviously is making it so he has to choose between the two of you. Stupid.<P>If he does pacify his wife, please TRY not to let it feel like it has anything to do with you or your worth.<P>Obviously he doesn't have the skills necessary to maintain healthy relationships either.<P>To bad we can't be together and put the Kleenex box in between us.

Thanks, sweetie...<P>I use towels on days like this...<P>He's not much, but he's the only Dad I have...<P>I hope sending that email will not turn out to be a mistake.<P>I am just so tired of leaving things unsaid. I was very straight, told him I've been through a lot( no details) and can't handle this right now. That I would understand if he needs to please his wife again, but please tell me.<P>Can you imagine a year of not answering any calls??<P>His grandkids could have died and he wouldn't know. He has NO relationship skills. His mother jumped to her death (intentional) when he was 11. He was then sent to military academy.<P>Still, as McGraw says, anyone who is an adult and not suffering from dementia is accountable for their own life.<P>I've LEARNED the skills.

His wife hates you for what? Reminding him that he walked out of his first marriage? And that she did too? Now she's upset because he (your BF) wouldn't let her visit her son so he can't see you? How funny!<P>Is it very important to your son or is it a phase that he is going through? In other words, if you can't do this will your son be in sulk-land for a long time?<P>When my niece was 3.5 - 5 y.o., she went through a big family 'thing' phase. She was upset for months that her Grandmother's husband wasn't around (his choice). But she outgrew that stage and is perfectly happy now. Do you think your son will be alright? If it is very, very important to him he can always pursue it again later.

Breadwinner,<P>Fortunately my kids won't even know the difference! They are 3 and 5 and have seen these people about once a year (3 to 5 times) in their life.<P>No, the issue is more not wanting to tell them to "go to hell".<P>Not sure why she hates me, but I am afraid to leave the kids with her. Would she take it out on them? She is the one who wanted my 3 yo D to come up.<P>I don't think she was upset about her son. It was more a game. R won't let me drive N back to the airport, so we can't come to see you either????<P>I just don't want to be in the middle anymore!!!

I thought some of my friends may have come to this thread and really not known what to say.<P>Well, I took decisive action. For the first time, I saw it all soooo clearly. Funny, just before the conversation with wicked stepmom (another WS?)(who started all sweet and sugary) my h told me about seeing the opportunities that God is sending me to "become all that I can be".<P>Based on the personality test, I guess it's just part of being an NF that I don't take rejection well and want acceptance even from Sperm Donor (BF) and WS. And my self esteem is still in bandages from the EA?PA.<P>I saw how unhealthy this "relationship"with BF and WS is. I've maintained it hoping the kids would get something out of it.<P>Just like my marriage, I used to think I either had to put up with it or break off entirely.<P>But, no. I've learned here to set limits and verbalize myself very well.<P>The old me would have spun for awhile on this, and definitely not made a decision on my own!<P>I may be burning bridges, but it was time I stood up for myself. I wrote BF clearly, but with no LBs, that I am not emotionally strong enough right now to be in the middle between him and his wife. There was very little upside and it was not worth my being hurt. I would not restrict his access to the children, but he would have to arrange it with my h, if my h is willing.<P>I copied his wife so there is no going behind anyone's back.<P>When he cut me off for a year, I beat MYSELF up, feeling rejected, etc. Now, I see it is not about ME at all and the consequence of their actions is that I don't want to deal with them right now.<P>This is down the page from what I first wrote, but remember, they asked ME to bring the kids up there. I was sincerely trying to firm up the plans, not looking for more problems.<P>Anyone else want to opine? I'll be checking tonight and leaving in the am. What an emotional week.

Good for you. You handled with dignity and in a well thought out manner. I tell my kids always get caught on the high road. You did just that.<P>I think that you are going to experience significant personal growth while you are away.<P>And hey, while you are gone, I'll try to do the same <P>I know I will go through a lot of emotions, but after careful reflection these past few hourse, I know I did the right thing.<P>It would have been easier to say "treat her" and continue to care for her. I promised myself weeks, maybe months back that I would make the decision (H left it up to me, fully supportive) based on the well being of the dog. I wouldn't let go because it wasn't "convienent"...and believe me it wasn't going to hang on if it was not in her best interest. I don't think my H thought I'd ever put her to sleep, even though I told him I would if I knew it was right. <P>In that room today I WANTED to hang on, but I let go according to my own guidelines.<P>That is what you just did, Cindy. <P>You did good!

FHL,<P>We are talking on the wrong thread, but oh well...<P>I didn't want to say this because it may sound calloused (it's not, at all). When I lost my baby earlier this year (remember, early in the pregnancy?), first came the grief. But then came the relief.<P>You will go through the grief, but I think you know you did the right thing, and you will experience the upside. You will be much freer to do things/ go places with your h, and focus on your plan.<P>Thank-you for telling me I handled it with dignity. I reread the two mails I sent, and I am so proud of them, I will have no problem showing them to my h. I really have learned to express myself so much better...