My wife who has been involved in an EA (maybe PA) with a stay at home dad. Last week she told me she would probably never regain her feelings for me and may just want to get divorced. I told her that would be her decision and she would have to file since I would prefer that we stay married. That started a real period of her being nasty over the last week.<P>Yesterday she called me at work to ask how I could be so nice to her after our discussion last week. She also said she was sorry for being so nasty. I did not argue with her and told her if she felt that she could no longer continue in the marriage that she would have to be the one to file. <P>I also told her I cared for her very much and would be happy to help her through any issues in our marriage as long as we had an honest conversation. I asked her if I forced her to marry me? She said no and I said I would not force her to stay with me or try to pretend how she was feeling. I was not her and she was not me. That we had to respect how each other feels and I would be there to listen.<P>During that conversation she told me that she needs to just find herself. She says that for all of her life she has been a giver and has avoided conflict. She now says that she needs to do something for herself. She also told me she was going to talk to a counseler that we talked with early this year. I took that as a positive.<P>She took the kids for a couple of days to see her parents. I told her to have a great time and we should talk when she gets home. I must say I am to the point of where I can say to myself that I have given it my very best and can accept her decision either way.<P>What do you think? Should I just give this a little more time? I find myself wanting to get away from it all. I am sure we all know what the tension is between two people going through something like this.<P><BR> <P>

Zip,<P>I would say you are laying some very heavy love units in the old bank. That fact that you can discuss this stuff with her and not get fired up is good. It is probably shocking her a bit and maybe she is getting the idea she may lose you. You noticed that after she mentioned divorce and you said fine but you have to do it, it seems she cooled off.<P>Keep up the good work. This whole thing may work out yet.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I did forget to metion that over the last couple of weeks I have had a few moments of LBing around the OM. I am sure we all know how hard it is to know there is an OM. But to have him across the street is almost too much to take.<P>One other thing and I don't know if this has happened to other folks. My wife seems to be getting into a bunker mentality with some of her friends. By that I mean only providing them with one side of the story. She is also moving away from our joint friends that don't agree with her actions.

I wish I had your fortitude to BE NICE! I have so many rotten things on my mind, so many questions that I would love to have answered but don't need to know about. Yeah, I am done accusing and done blaming, but my bitterness gets me tongue-tied. I have never directly come out and slammed him, but the fact that I rake up the naked truth and force him to acknowledge it has done little but make him angry. (It's the investigative nature in me, I guess. I make a good detective.)<P>If I have learned anything from reading the posts from MB, it's how to say "I love you" in the face of pain. Your message is a good one.<P>Telling her you care is a good way to get the ball rolling, making it more comfortable to talk. I should be doing that with my WS right now, I guess, so I am no one to preach. Good luck!

zip --<P>Man, you are good. Maybe you approach will turn on a few lights and get something going!<P>Don't forget, your W is always going to try to seek others who can support her feelings/thoughts/decisions. She'll continue to seek anyone who will support her decision to leave, or to find herself, or whatever. Couples and families that you have a relationship with AS A COUPLE, will always support healing. It's the single and/or divorced friends that you should be wary of. They don't necessarily have the same value system as a married would have.<P>It was also good hearing from you on the other post. Hang in there.<P>--keystone

Hi Zip:<P>Letting go...it's amazing how liberating it makes the betrayed feel, isn't it. <P>Congradulations...that was a excellent response to your wife's attempt to bring up the subject of divorce. Turned things around and put the ball in her court...where it should be...she's the one who wants something else...let her pay the price for it.<P>Controlling all the bitterness and pain and presenting a calm exterior is wearing...it's no wonder you are tired...but hold on for just a little longer and I think you may see some good results.<P>Buffy <BR>

Talked to my wife today she is visiting her parents for the next couple of days with the kids. My guess is she is trying to gather stength to make a decision, which is probably to pull the plug. <P>I guess I ask myself this question many times and that is where things really that bad in our marriage. Sure we had some disagreements. But we also had some very good times right up to the point where things started to get bad. <P>I like many of us here can not even believe we are in a position of talking about ending our 9 years of marriage. I look at the people she surronds herself with and they don't have a clue as to what is really going on. Maybe I should play the tape for them of her and OM talking on the phone. I am sure that would open some eyes.<P>Has anyone on the betrayed side ever thought about just blowing off the speration and going right to divorce? If I move out there is a certain amount of leverage that is lost with my wife. Sure you can do something legal. But you are still out of the house. Just a thought.

zip --<P>Been out of town, so I haven't been able to check in.<P>I'm thinking about going right to D. My thought why "separate" if I am already living seperate lives, just under the same roof.<P>The thing that stands in the way is the kids. I can't think about how it will go, since I fear the worst. If I leave, I guess it could put any custody issues at risk. I also don't want Me to move out, since I want it clear that I didn't give up -- she did.<P>So here I am... Almost waiting it out for her to either get on board, or suggest that she move out. If she does, I suspect I'll suggest an immediate D since I don't get the impression she wants the marriage to last.<P>I'm really tired after a long day. Does my rambling make any sense?<P>--keystone