<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Dear OOOO,<P>I am not sure I can help with any of your worries but I was in your W's place over a year ago so I might be able to shed a little insight on your situation at the moment. And please remember that it is just temparary if you will just let it run its course. <P>Because you are on this sight I am assuming you have read some of Harley's books?! If not please please please read Surviving an Affair. This is what turned all my thinking around especially after H left me alone for about 8 months. <P>I do not think your W is completely out of love with you but I do believe she has fallen out of being "IN LOVE" with you. She obviously thinks it is wrong to tear up her family or she wouldn't be still living in the same house with you. "this is a good thing" but very difficult to keep from LBing. You must stay out of her way and tend to business. If she says "Stay away from me" then respect that. If you don't she will resent you even more. Please remember I am not an expert on this but lived it myself.<P>A little ray of hope: We have been in Recovery for 5 months now, after 1 1/2 yrs of physical and emotional seperation. He did finally move out for 10 months of that and we did try counciling but to no avail.<P>Your early morning post and your words are a sign of desperation this morning. Please remember that if you follow the rules of Harley's books you have a very good chance of making things work to your advantage and your W's. <P>Hope I helped some.<BR>God Bless<BR>Tex

Sounds as if she's in withdrawal. I don't believe recovery can begin until she breaks off all contact & you'll have to stand firm on this.<BR>Soon you'll be on the infamous roller coaster ride - one minute she wants you, next minute she wants OM. As difficult as this is, it's part of the ritual. This is the time when we all feel like LB - it's so easy to do & yet its so damaging. She'll come around hopefully. In the meantime, kill her with kindness without suffocating her. Slowly work on getting her to open up. Make sure you read all the articles here & eventually expose her to them - when she's ready.<BR>Try Plan A first & then if that doesn't work and she still insists on not making a decision, then I'm afraid you'll have to force her to by moving to Plan B. You can't spend the next X years in limbo.

Hi Offon...<P>I agree with the others that posted here. You're just going to have to wait this one out I'm afraid.<P>Your wife is not going to make any changes in her life while she still is talking to OM. I guess you need to decide if you are strong enough to stay on Plan A. This is a tough gig, I know...I'm having a Plan A burnout too right now.<P>Can you possibly get away for a day or two. My H is out of town, then when he comes back I'm leaving for a few days alone. I hope this helps us and does not drive us further apart, so I hesitate to reccomend it to you...I don't know if it will help me find the right frame of mind to go on with Plan A...but could it really hurt?<P>In the meantime, drown her cell phone. That ought to put her out of commission for a day or two. (I actually tried this with H's cell phone, but it didn't drown...darn it.)<P>Stop the LB...don't fight with her, even when she is being horrible. She is not at a point where she wants you close right now. It's a shame, because you have so many tools you can use, but she won't let you. Do your own thing when you're both home. Don't let her see you staring at the walls. Get on the computer, read, play with the kids. Let her see you living life, not playing dead. Let her see that you are perfectly capable of living a fun, good life even if she wants to sit around in a funk.<P>Maybe, just maybe, someday soon she'll join you among the living. <P>allison

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

You are actually in a much better position than a lot of us having your wife at home.<P>My H said he was not staying for the kids. That they would be fine. (the oldest hasn't slept alone since he left.. the older 2 are in counseling and the 5 year old pleads with him all the time to no avail)<P>I am guilty of LB and have not had much chance to meet his needs as he is not living here and works long hours with the OP who is filling his head with nonsense.<P>If you can truly stand back from the projections she is throwing your way and try to focus on Plan A, I believe you will be successful.

No one can tell you how long to Plan A - you'll feel it when it's take to move on to Plan B.<BR>Many times I wanted to end it with my H. I had given up. That was actually my first posting & everyone wrote saying not to. What I realized is that as terrible as everything had been, other situations are a lot worse - WS leaving BS for OW/OM & coming & going - actually filing for divorce, etc. I never got to that stage. My H never left me & maybe it's because I'm pregnant - I really don't know for sure - or maybe he's just using that as an excuse because a major part of him doesn't want to leave me. Whatever the reason, I'm using this opportunity to get him to work on the marriage. Your W is there in the home - despite the reasons she has given you - so take it one step at a time. D-day for me was January & he finally made the decision to work on our marriage in May - although it has been on again off again over the past couple of months. At least now we have stretches where things are progressing. We didn't have that for months at first. <BR>ANd yes continue with the family thing. It's been working for me. H talks about how we both come from good families & how important family is. I also told his mother about the A but it wasn't a LB. I had to talk to someone. Can't keep something like this inside especially when you're pregnant! I chose her because no matter what he did, she'd never judge him & love him regardless. I didn't want to confide in my family or friends because I don't want anyone to think anything bad about him.<BR>The one problem you have is the contact with the OM. My H was still in contact with her until a couple of weeks ago but it had been dwindling off the last couple of months. They work together & now she's quitting because of him - and she can't stand the fact that I'm pregnant & people at work at talking about it. You'll read that the problem is not the OP, the problem is in your marriage & yes I agree. But I don't believe recovery is possible as long as they remain in contact with one another - & no they're not friends, friends don't help destroy your marriage. She needs to understand that the OM isn't just in her life but in yours as well as the children's. That relationship will continue to affect yours. Tell her you deserve a fair chance & you can't get that as long as OM is in the picture.<BR>Good luck