Background:<p><BR>I confessed in early June to my infidelities (which were long over) after I found condoms in my husbands coat around Easter time and noticed he was taking his viagra out of the house. He had also had a "moral" thing going with a co-worker sometime in 99 who subsequently left the job. He said.."we were too moral to do anything more than kissing." Besides that I had become a monster at home and confession was my only way out of the mess I was in.<p><BR>Current: I am currently going to a shrink, AA, have returned to church, taking anti-depressant meds and being my KIDS mom and my husbands wife fulltime 24/7 for the first time in a very long time.<p><P>My Husband: He is a very sarcastic person who thinks his humor is appropriate for everyone. So right now I am in my 10th week of wit abuse. He makes comments about what I did non stop and goes off the handle for no reason on other things. I am very calm from the medication so I tend to keep my cool 95 % of the time which may be bothering him. Other times we are having a great time and becoming intimate in my opinion. Those times have been special but the following is going to ruin everything if I don't do something and quick!<p><P>Since he found out he is talking about his turn to live life and indulge! About 2 weeks ago he said that I can't say a word.. if its 1, 2 or 3 women too bad.. basically its his turn...I have told him my time was no picnic and I refuse to grovel to him and let him make up stories about my affair because he is thinking too much.<p><P>Needless to say he does not buy any of this emotional needs issues that had made our marriage bad in first place. He feels he is perfect and about to be canonized for putting up with my " dishonesty, cheating and drinking" for so long.<p><P>Yesterday I counted his viagra pills and sure enough there was either one or two missing. Today he left his case home and sure enough there is a pill that was split 4 ways and one quarter is missing. It was in a film container and in an inside pocket in his case.<BR>Before discovery of me don't forget I knew about his co-worker and also the condoms and that he did take viagra out of house on other occasions.<p><P><BR>What should I do? My best friend tells me he is losing it and that I should tell him to leave until he gets his head straight. I am taking huge amounts of emotional abuse now and he has some split personality going on. He is also treating our kids like crap much of the time and has no patience.<p><BR>He he has had a lot of pressures this past 14 months...our kids, his father died, he works a lot of hours( high pressure job and huge goals), he is addicted to pot, he has this sex addict mentality, my confession, I think he is going off the deep end--cracking up. It seems he only wants me for sex and some conversation lately as well. I took off for 2 nights from sex to get some rest and last night he said "are you tired again?" very sarcastically.<p><BR> There are many more details to go into so if anyone can give me advice please do and any questions I will answer to help you advise me.<BR>

LST,<P>Wow, I am really not qualified for this. You have taken so much more than I would have withstood. <P>What I WANT to say may not be helpful.<P>I'm sure somebody here would know better.<P>Just wanted to say you were heard and I'm so sorry you're going thru this. You got prayers coming your way.<P>Can somebody more qualified help her here?<P>

Hi LST,<P>I too am not qualified to give advice on this (my situation is somewhat diff). But, I know we do have some really heavy hitters on this board who have been in very similar circumstance as you. <P>Hang in there, I'm sure you'll be getting feedback and help soon.<P>BTW: I talked to Jennifer from MB yesterday and she told me that in order to recover successfully both partners needed to follow and believe in the four rules for recovery, so if Your H isn't willing, you can't do it alone. Get this man into counseling. Is he receptive to therapy, Hon?<P>Jo

LST,<BR>I am definitely not qualified to give you advice. <P>I am sorry you are hurting and I want to encourage you tokeep trying. I'm sure you h is in a fog right now. He's had a lot of pretty traumatic events go on in his life and he may be flipping out a little. That's sometimes easier than dealing with them. <P>Anyway, keep in mind your affair is partially to blame for some of the humor abuse. He's using that to release his anger. Men were taught no to cry, to be tough, to keep their heads up and provide for their family. If they did this they were suppose to be successful. While you were in your fog of drinking he and your children were on the end of your abuse. Your abuse and affair were sending strong negative messages as well as adding to the confusion he is experiencing. Hang on...your family has some healing to do. <P>Meanwhile, read all the books the Harley have written. First, read Men Made Easy by Kara Oh. This book will help deepen you understanding of how many men think and what they equate with success. Hey! Good luck and keep praying because God can heal your marriage and help you rebuild a better one. Tess

Oh boy get that man to counseling!! My ex flipped out too after hearing of my affair. He was very verbally abusive, filled with hate and extremely vandictive. If he doesn't get help it will only get worse. And please don't let him involve your children. My ex did that and it's nothing you want your kids to live through. If he's that bad and refuses to get help I think a plan B is in order to protect yourself and your children.

Bonnie:<P>I am pretty calm due to the medications I am taking but I have to tell you that it sickens me to know I am trying so damn hard on everything and now my payback is going to be to share him.<p><P>So far here is my letter to him..I am seriously thinking of ending our sexual contacts until he comes clean about his past indiscretions. The saint routine is getting old quick. Also I am having confusion about deciding what to do with the viagra in his case. Should I leave it there without saying anything, should I put them all in there with the condoms I found in April, He is only half prepared.<p>Text so far of letter:<p><i>You obviously have no respect for me, or our marriage, or my attempts to give us a normal life and relationship if you are on the prowl to continue an old affair or start a new one. Specially when I am in recovery. And don't give me this crap about the past to negate the above statement. You are now flaunting it in front of me by taking the viagra out of the house. A word of advice...while you are indulging KNOCK off the sarcasm about my past. I am not going to take it Bill and you need to realize that. No amount of pain you are trying to cause can even come close to what I have done.<p><P>Also stop taking our problems out on our children. It is very upsetting to see me so calm and you cursing them whenever things are not going your way. If the 3 of us are such a nuisence in your life perhaps you need to find a place to stay for a while to decide what you want to do. I can change my behaviors of the past and be a good woman but I refuse to do let you harm our kids emotionally any more.<p><P>I feel very good about everything I am doing to change myself and change the dynamics of our home life and enhance our intimacy.</i><p><p><P><BR>Oh ..the saint won't consider counseling...after all I am the sinner.<P><BR>

LST<P>Wanted to advise Plan B but was afraid that I advise that too much--as I'm so in love with plan B when the going gets tough!<P>But you sound like a real candidate for it if your kids are getting emotionally abused with this verbal onslaught. And also you are at risk for him bringing home some major bedbug he picks up while he's out there on the prowl. <P>And personally, before you pack him up and sweetly send him on his way, I'd replace his little Viagra pills with some Sleep-Eze. <P>Kidding aside--the man needs help. But first he'll need a reality check. Plan B.<P>I fully agree that taking care of you and your kids comes first at this point.

I'm not so sure the letter is a good idea. Right now your angry (and you have a right to be), and it shows in your letter. I have a feeling the letter will make him defensive and he'll just go off on you. It's always so much easier to give advice when you don't have to live with the outcome but I guess I'd just tell him to move out and get himself some help. That your tired of his verbal abuse-especially in front of and to the children and that it won't be tolerated anymore. Sometimes when they are so close to the edge like it sounds he is, it takes more drastic measures to get your point across.

While I was out this afternoon I decided to print out letter and just save it as me venting to myself. I also put the missing viagra's back in their place and at least for today will pretend like nothing happened.<p><P>He is out right now after work and I dont know when he will be home and if he will have been drinking. He is a very light drinker and 3 beers get to him right away so It would be wise for me to let it go for tonight.<p><P>Thanks for your help and I will see what kind of words I shall use to confront him.

Get him help soon. He sounds like he has been hurt very deeply. I only suspect my W is having an A and the mental agony and heart break is incredible.<P>AC2

You sound certain he won't go to counseling, how about you alone then?<P>Writing out angry letters is great! Just don't give it to your H, or let him find it. Your letter is filled with anger and your phrasing is one lovebuster after another--judgments, angry outbursts, demands, decisions.<P>I assume you are with your husband because you love him and want to re-build your marriage. Your letter should reflect THAT.<P>At the same time your husband has no right to verbally abuse you or your children. When he zings you can you simply say, "Ouch, that hurt." It has worked for my H and I--we're re-building after 2 1/2 years of hell with both of us having had outside relationships, mine starting pretty much after his was over, but he was still out of the house.<P>My anger was very difficult to get through, fortunately I/we have a wonderful counselor and my husband chose to Plan A me, since he knew what an effect my Plan A had had on him.<P>Your H also does not have the right to have 1, 2 or 3 women as he says. But if you want your marriage to work, you need to approach him as reasonably and lovingly as possible. And you can set boundaries. There's a great discussion on boundaries going on on this forum under Women's Bible Study.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10