Well, H told the kids Mon night that he was moving out. They took it very well, much to my surprise. On Wed, he was planning to take them to see his house and asked me to come also, which I did. This was a big surprise to me. He also took us out to eat afterwards. He told us that he was spending the night at his house that night, but he ended up staying here instead (and I made sure it was memorable). Tonight is his first night in his house. I find myself trying to figure out a way to ride by there just to make sure he is alone. Haven't come up with anything, since I have the kids and I can't involve them. Stepdaughter will be back from out of town trip tomorrow and will be staying with him, so tonight is prime opportunity for his OW, which he still denies exists.<BR>Anyway, he has been picking up kids from daycare and is planning to pick them up tomorrow. I can ask him to continue this for a while, since he does want to spend time with them. He wants to bring them here and stay with them until I get home from work. He is planning on being here a good bit this weekend, since he has not finished cleaning the yard and moving his stuff. Question is- should I encourage him to continue picking up the kids and bringing them home (which will be daily contact for us) or set up a more of a schedule- once or twice a week and every other weekend? The kids don't seem to have an opinion either way. H does agree that right now, they will be more comfortable here than at his house with no friends yet and none of their stuff. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or do what I can to make sure he stays as much a part of the family as I can? I'm having really conflicting thoughts on this one. Any advice?

Hi Cloudy,<P>Welcome to my world!<P>My kids (18,14,12) will not go to H's apartment. The fact that he has nothing there but a bed may have something to do with that. We have a neighborhood full of great kids here, and to take them away from that every other weekend (he did this twice) was awful for them. The 18yo refuses to ever step foot in fathers apt.<P>So, at first he tried taking them there, didn't work...so now for several weeks he's been coming home on weekends. This has worked pretty well, but I'm starting to resent it. I never get a break. I've left a few times to stay with friends, but still feel resentful, and find myself going through everything when he is home without me to see if he's taken more of his stuff.<P>If your H is anything like mine, living alone is the pits. H will do anything to not be in his apt, including coming here whenever he has nowhere else to go. At first, I thought this was great, now I'm just feeling used. I wanted him to come here because he wanted to see ME, but I think he just doesn't like being alone. No, I know that he hates being alone.<P>I'm glad he's being so nice to you guys. I hope it's a very short seperation. H is nice to us all the time too. His leaving has really helped his relationship with the kids. <BR>As far as driving by tonight...please stop yourself if you can. Any information you will get will do you no good in the long run. Will driving by once be enough? I know I'd have to do it several times, as I'd start obsessing that just maybe OW is coming late...just maybe she parked down the block. <P>Take care of yourself, seperations are really hard. I miss my H every day. I used to hate that he was so darn LOUD...now I just miss the sound of his voice so much.<P>allison<BR>

Hi Cloudy,<P> Number one: do not drive by hubbie's house...even if you are dying to know. I'll tell you why. If you did, and you found something you didn't like... how many lovebusters do you think you would rack up over the next conversation with him? Get my drift?<P> Now, about him picking up the kids... I personally think that is an excellent idea. Gives you a chance to see him and deposit love units in his love bank. By *not* driving by, you have less risk of doing LBs. Seeing him daily would be to your advantage at this point.<P> If there *is* an OW,( sry I'm not familiar with your story) think of how crazy she would make him...because she couldn't handle him always at *your* house. Get my meaning? Let her do alllllllllllll the lovebusting, and I can almost guarantee he would be back home in no time flat. <P> Hope this helped, and post whenever you need to...I'll be checking in occasionally.<P> Mynabird

ANything that you can do to encourage him to stay a part of the family is great. Later on down the road, you will be glad that the kids have their dad, and they will be glad, and so will he--that's one thing that he can't point a finger at you for, that you didn't shove him out of the kid's lives. Of course make sure he stays a part of the family. He'll always be Dad, no matter what.<P>But...I don't get it. If he is comfortable at your house, and you guys are still "doing it," ect, then why is he moving out? Gotta fill us in a little bit.

Hi Cloudy:<P>Definitely have him come by the house to pick up kids. You will find that if left to her own, OW (if and when has one) will completely monopolize his time to keep him away from you. Seeing the children is something she can't control.<P>Anything you can do to keep him involved in your life is important...they will so easily become a part of the life where they are...with OW...if they are not continually being asked to be involved with their own family.<P>Look at yourselves as being separated but working on your marriage...not separated leading to a divorce. Consider yourself and your family his main concern..forget about OW. <P>If there is no OW then he will be getting tired of the separate household very fast. He's use to being with a family...he won't like being alone.<P>What you do will depend on what develops about why he has moved out. If OW pops up that will explain a lot.<P>Hope he decides quickly that being by himself is for the birds and comes home.<P>Buffy <P><BR>

Thanks for the advice. I think I will try to encourage him to stay as involved as I can with the family. There is or at least was an OW- I'm just not sure what they are doing right now. I think for the moment at least that she is still at home with her husband. She has 2 kids. If they are still involved, I would expect a lot of LBing soon- he now has more freedom but she has not changed her situation.<BR>As far as "doing it", when we first started talking about the problems we were having, sex was one huge EN of his that I wasn't meeting. I started really trying to meet this need and our sex life improved dramatically. He still marvels at this. Anyway, I had the old gut instinct that he was involved with someone else, but had no evidence and he denied it. He wanted to move out and we both went to atorneys for advice and I ended up hiring a private investigator. He found enough evidence for me to know, but H still denied and I never told him about PI. Anyway, I think that after we saw attorneys the physical contact between them stopped or was put on hold or something. They still talked several times a day on cell phones, but even that has dropped off a lot. Sooo... don't really know what's going on with them?<BR>I too hope that he will not like living alone. His 15 YO daughter will be with him, but I think this will be more than he can handle after a while. I will keep encouraging him to stay involved and hope that it doesn't take too long.<BR>Thanks again! This site is keeping me sane. <BR>

Cloudy, <P>You are doing a great job already and the above advice is very good.<P>My H did the same thing.. with moving out. He was so "high" about it. We also went out as a family the night before he left. I have not seen his apt though.<P>In the beginning (6 months ago) H came and went from our house very often, and did a lot here. But he was pretty nasty to me and cold to the kids.<P>He also denied OP or at least the extent of it. They work together. But I knew different from her H. She was relentless and every time he seemed to be coming closer to us, she did something else, finally moving out of her house in May, and telling her H he could have their kids.<P>I really think they had an intense EA in the beginning.. THen I went to pretty much a plan B.. with him seeing the kids every other weekend.<P>He called them a lot and then tried to see them other times as well which I let happen, but at his place. Then I left for 3 weeks with them which pushed the EA to PA and finally an admittance.<P>Now I am facing a D, however, my H is the least happy that he has been. HIs world is pretty much self-destructing daily. I wasn't always as calm as you, but had to deal with a real manipulative OP who has had her hooks in for a long time without me or most likely my H knowing.<P>You have a great opportunity to PLan A, especially if you already know what needs you were not meeting. Hold on tight as the roller coaster begins.

Well, we made it through the first night. I managed not to drive by his house! He picked up the kids from day care and was here for about 2 hours after I got home from work. He asked me how I slept last night- I told him not very well and asked how he slept. He said not worth a damn. I asked why- he said strange place, strange bed, his new sheets felt like burlap, and "stuff" on his mind. Then said, "That's what I get,huh". He just left, said he'd call me later and will be here tomorrow. I told him he's welcome to come back and watch a baseball game if he wanted to.<BR>Oh well, we made it through the first night and it has to be the worst, right? His clock didn't go off this morning and he was almost late to work. His coffee pot doesn't make coffee like ours, etc... He had a miserable night. That makes me feel much better.