If you have been following my posts, you have an understanding of what's going on.<P>Tonight, my H called to talk to the kids and he sounded the worst I have ever heard. <P>I would swear he was on drugs... if I didn't know my H. And maybe he is. His voice was slurred. He talked to me for awhile and sounded really out of it. He spoke with little one because he feels that when he talks to her at night she is too tired.<P>He asked me about weekend visit with kids and how they were doing with things. The way he said goodbuy... "thanks tootrusting" sounded soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo<BR>depressed .<P>I'm not going to bite. But please keep him in your prayers. I wish I could help him, but I can't. He is having a struggle at work I know. Everyone is against him.. and her... but mostly her. They see her as the villian and she is the one filling his unbelievalbly confused head with her stuff.<P>This is only a prayer for him.. not for the marraige. I will also post in the bible study group.<P>He is listening to the wrong message. He needs help to pull away. <P>He is so close to rock bottom it is not even funny. He is losing so much at work.. He is having a lot of complications and it is going to affect so much and she is still filling his head with garbage. <P>Like I said , I ask this only for him, not for me. I will continue to stay out of it.<P>thank you

TT,<P>I'm checking this last time before my trip, but I hear you.<P>I think you are doing the right thing. It must be awful to watch, but he may need to hit bottom before he can start to pull out.<P>{{{{{{{{{{TOOTRUSTING}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

TT,<P>I will pray that he is missing you and his children terribly, and not using drugs. <P>I will pray that he is hitting "rock bottom" and figuring out that the life he's living is not the life he wants.<P>I will also pray for you and your children. TT, it's obvious how much you love this man. You are unselfish and caring. I pray that he sees all of the wonderful qualities you posess.<P>allison

I really think that depression plays a big part of this whole infidelity thing. How old is your H? Do you think he maybe going through a mid-life crisis? I have read alot about mid-life crisis and feel that my H is still going through his. The prozac helped for awhile but not anymore. In everything I have read about this it states that there is nothing anybody can do to change this. It is something he has to work out on his own. It is up to you if you can stand behind him through all of this. I am trying but with each passing day lately I'm getting more and more bitter and angry. The ability to support him just isn't there anymore.<BR>Just know that he has to do this on his own. He made this mess now he needs to figure out how to clean it all up and I'm sure that it is overwhelming. I guess just be there for him as a friend because I think above all else that is what he needs now. <P>Jill

Hi Tootrusting,<BR>Maybe he started to realize what he is going to lose?? I really hope so.<BR>It's good at least people at work against him and OW(I thought they were kinda on their side before.. they believed when OW was telling that you and H were having a bad marriage, etc). More people against them sooner for him to come out from the fog. Even if you don't want to take him back you still wanna see that, right?<BR>Yes I will pray for your H, also you and your kids.<BR>Take care,<BR>Meg<BR>

TT- I found this article last year when my H started what I believe is his mid-life crisis. <A HREF="http://www.friends-lovers.com/articles/midlife.html" TARGET=_blank>www.friends-lovers.com/articles/midlife.html</A> <P>It is a very, very good article. To tell you the truth I had forgotten what a big part it played in my attitude with him last year.<P>Maybe this will give you some answers.<P>Jill

That IS a great article!<BR>Thaks Jill!!<BR>Meg

Has your H mentioned suicide at all? My H mentioned it about 4 times over 8 months and the last time he actually tried to overdose. It was his way of asking for help from me. If he has mentioned it or has brought the subject up before, please take it seriously.

Here is some of my story (short version)....<P>My H had put himself in a position that he didn't know how to get out of. My H decided that he wanted a divorce, he had left me off and on for OW, but this time was supposed to be for good. He left, and I moved on this time. When he found out that I wasn't waiting for him anymore and became involved with another man, he went crazy!!! He didn't know how to reach out to me. He didn't know how to break it off with OW. He felt trapped, so he opted for suicide. PLEASE, anyone....if your spouse mentions suicide, take it seriously.<P>My H had mentioned that he wished he had a gun...said he thought about borrowing one from his brother, but didn't want his brother to feel responsible. Also, once when I tried to convince him to stay with me, he said OK, i'll stay, but whatever happens is on your head. I found him upstairs with 2 bottles of pills he was going to take. I thought that it was just his way of manipulating me. It was really a call for help. The last time, H threw a bottle of empty pills at me...I took him seriously, I called the police, he drove off in his car, he called a bit later because he wanted to say goodbye to our kids. Told our kids that he was going away for good. I convinced him to tell me where he was. The police picked him up and took him to the emergency room. He had swallowed 117 pills of extra strength tylenol! He could have easily died or ended up with a damaged liver. He has been blessed because he is just fine today!!! Thank God! <P>I had prayed to God to take my H to rock bottom (if that was what it took) in order for H to be right with God! I prayed for his protection, and his well-being! My H hit rock bottom hard, but God saved him!!! Miracles happen, but it may be a hard route along the way!<P>Do not dismiss someone who mentions suicide!!! <P><BR>

Thanks for responding. yes, I know he is in some sort of crisis. He is in his mid 40's. We have recently experienced death and cancer among our friends and he has never resolved the early death of his dad and brother.<P>The person who his is relying on currently is feeding his head with the wrong 'stuff'.<P>I know I cannot do anything. I stood aside and let him be devoured by OP. At work, he is having trouble. She is the worst thing for him. He will have to find that out on his own.<P>In the meantime, I am talking to him when he clls to talk to thekids. I am trying to keep their fragile self-esteem intact. <P>I can only come here with this. Every once in a while he has a voice that is not his. Like tonight. I have always maintained the "possession" of him, but occasionally he just sounds unlike himself... like tonight.<P>It is scary. And it does sound like he is on drugs. He has NEVER smoked a cigarettte. He rarely drinks. He has a hard time with cold medicine. But I tell you, he sounds like he is on drugs... Maybe it is OW> <P>Anyway, I do know I can do nothing. Thanks for listening.

I know I kept saying my H was not himself...no one understood quite what I meant, but he was not. He finally hit bottom and I was very afraid he was absolutely disintegrating; barely able to function at all. Finally he was forced to seek help.<P>Maybe your H is also, in his own way, approaching the bottom. I will pray for him tonite, and for you. <P>Kathi

Kam, thanks for your prayers.<P>My H is in counseling and has been since he moved out. But I know in the beginning when he was in the really bizaar state he was not telling the counselor everything. He hadn't up until at least June told him that he barely sleeps.<P>How long did it take for your H to hit rock bottom and what did he do about it. Did he ever leave.<P>Unfortunately, I am also dealing with a very "sick in her own way" manipulating OP. She just keeps filling his head with this poverty, antimaterialism stuff and how only she can help him through work. She comes across like she has all the answers, yet from her H I know she is a basket case herself.<P>Of course, he could just be this way to me, and when he is with her he is "high". But like any drug... it will eventually not be enough.

I don't know if I can say anything to help you. I do know what the bottom feels like now. I think that's where I am. I'm not suicidal but I can't function well at all. I finally went for anti-depressants yesterday and will hopefully be able to start crawling out of this pit in a few weeks.<P>It sounds to me like he's already seeing that she isn't the answer to his problems, that his problems will follow him wherever he goes. It's a tough thing to acknowledge. If he makes any hints of wanting to come back or even just says that he doesn't think he can, he might really be saying that he doesn't think you'll accept him. That he's not deserving of your forgiveness. Pick up on that and reassure him of your love for him. Let him know that the gate is open. You can't lead him through it but you can tell him that it's there.<P>Other than that all you can really do is talk to him when he calls, be there to listen if he wants to talk. Encourage him to seek help if he mentions it or starts saying things that sound suicidal.<P>I will pray for him. (and for you and your kids)<P>(((((((tootrusting)))))))<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> How long did it take for your H to hit rock bottom and what did he do about it. Did he ever leave.<P>Unfortunately, I am also dealing with a very "sick in her own way" manipulating OP. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My H told the person he thought he loved how he felt in October...she (unlike your case) told him to go home and talk to his wife, not her. He went into a deep withdrawal...more so than what Harley describes...more like what is described in "I don't want to talk about it" as happening when the depressed person has his "crutch" taken away. Severe chest pains, inability to sleep, almost delusional behavior...thought she was reaching out to him pyschicly, felt everyone at work hated him, almost paranoid. Bottom was at the end of March, and that's when he finally admitted he was depressed and sought help.<P>Your H is in therapy, which is great. One thing I've read is that the therapist can't fully help a person until the person does hit bottom...so maybe this will lead to progress. I hope. <P>Take care--<P>Kathi

TT,<P>You might want to read this thread. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004480.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004480.html</A> <P>It looks like it might have some info you'll find helpful.

Thanks TS... I did look at it. I have just recently had admission. I think before this H was convincing himself that they really were coworkers who really enjoyed working together and shared this antimaterialism missionary bond thing.<P>Now it is an "A"!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Prior to this my H was obsessing constantly about her and sex I think, based on a lot of his behavior. I don't think my H even SAW me prior to this. All of his memories were inaccurate (not talking about his feelings but actual facts)<P>Now I know that every time he looks at me or his kids he is thinking about it!!!! His conscience has been completely shut off.<P>NOw,,, I realize we are heading for D currently.... but when I did plan B before it seemed to him an ultimatum of giving up what he thinks his his right arm... You know he said "put a knife through me".... this is unreal. Hopefully the unreality will start to unsurface as the realtiy sets in.<P>I actually feel quite capable of plan Aing, because he knows I love him, and I am taking care of my life... changing, growing.<P>Thanks for pointing me towards that post. BTW.. do you just write the site in your reply or do you drag, cut or paste (none of which I can do). I would love to point people to some good discussion.

I go to the page, copy the address from the address window of the browser (highlight it and Ctrl-C). Then I paste it into the window with Ctrl-V.<P>I'll keep praying for you. I think he'll come around.