My husband has been seeing ow since early july, he left me on july 2 and was out with her next day. I posted under plan a/plan b but wanted to see if anyone had any more advice for me. We have been married five years, we're separated now for just over a month. He has been staying here off and on, I miss him so much I can't do plan B but he refuses tto do plan A, says that he can't recommit to me, can't be with me right now, that he needs space and time to grow up. He was single and dating heavily for years before I even met him and has had plenty of time to get the kind of experience he is asking for now...vasically he wants to leave me and date, he doesn't express interest in me at all beyond practical stuff.<BR>He can be extremely expressive and angry at times (he is verbally abusive, and that has only slowed down, not stopped) but at other times he is totally neutral. I don't know what to do, I want him here at home but can't stand the thought of him dating or seeing other women.<BR>I'm supposed to be moving out of our home on the 20th, he is moving back in (doesn't want to live here until I'm gone, he says he doesn't want to be with me at all right now, thinks I'm dstupid to have any hope) but I don't want to leave. I can't afford to stay here though, and we own a business together that I can't stand to be at working. I am going through agony wondering where he is all the time and whether every girl I see is someone he's dated. I know I can't be here in the town if I'm not with him, it is driving me nuts.<BR>I'm scared and have talked to a mutual friend who said primary ow talked to her, full story under plan a/plan b, but he called her yesterday and she's called him several times.<BR>I am losing him I think and can't stand it any more.<BR>I don't understand how you can love someone and be with them for years and then just walk away.<BR>I know he loves me, he says he does and he will hold me and tells people he's worried about me etc...or wants me to be safe. But I don't know what to think. He also says he's not "involved" with anyone and doesn't want to be right now, but I don't know if I believe him.<BR>

I think sometimes that some men (and women, sorry) feel trapped by marriage. They feel like life is passing them by as they grow old with one person. They dread settling into that "old married person" routine, and see it as a hinderance to anything fun and exciting. It IS fun being single--lots of people to meet, lots of things to do. It's exciting.<P>It's exciting being married, too, only some don't give it a chance. They see all their single friends (does he have a lot of single friends?) going out and having fun, and having conversations that only single guys can have. It makes him feel that he is missing out on something, I'll bet.<P>You say he still loves you--if you have been married for five years, I'm sure. It's just that he feels that he's been tied down. I could be that he just needs time to realize what he could loose. It's his time to weigh in his mind. Plan A--be nice to him, treat sweetly when you him when you see him, tell him he's welcome to talk when he feels like it and you're ready for him to come home. If you are nasty to him, he will feel he has an excuse to keep running.<P>Think over it all carefully, I am not a shrink and I don't know all there is to know. But this is what I would do, if I were in your shoes.

Hi ani,<P>and welcome to MB. So glad you found this forum. <P>Usually a very nice person going by NSR would be here to welcome you and point you to some general info posts. He'll be around soon.<P>I went back and read your post under Plan A/B. Sorry you're going through all of this hon. All of us here know how hard it is. Read as much MB info as you can find on this board. Make sure you read the concepts, and you'll find out what people are talking about with all this Plan A/B, withdrawl, ect...stuff.<P>You will probably be told to stay on Plan A. I would suggest that. You're early into this roller-coaster, and showing consistently that you can make home an enjoyable place for him to be is important right now. Please read all about emotional needs and the four rules of successful marriage. You can be honest with your husband, but also you need to protect him right now. If you demand that he stops seeing OW it just won't work. He has to go through this crisis at his own speed. All you can do right now is be kind to him, and to work hard on yourself.<P>Do you really feel like you can't work with H? You have opportunity there at work to deposit love bucks. I know, the whole love buck thing seems kinda weird, but it makes a lot of sense. I hate that you have to move out of your home. Is there any way to avoid that move? Another question...how old is your H?<P>Ok, I"ll quit ranting now. Hope you get lots of other replies. Please post here when you feel frustrated and angry...or just sad and lonesome. Someone will come along and "talk" to you, and try to help.<P>allison

Hi Ani:<P>Welcome. July, huh. Well, you're in for a ride and you won't be in control. Buckle up.<P>Don't know what comes into WS head that makes them think that the grass is greener somewhere else or that they've missed out on something. <P>How old is your H? Old enough that this could be a MLC? <P>The first time I ever met my H was at college. He was living with a bunch of fellas and basically they were just playing at going to school...really they were just getting drunk every day and night...and sitting arouond bulls***ing.<P>Now he's back doing that again...with OW in tow (she's basically like one of the guys)...trying to recapture that feeling of carefree youth. But you can never go back...never recapture that time...all you can do is dull your senses with liquor until one day even that doesn't work anymore.<P>Give him some time to realize this...and this may take some time...but you can't hurry it along...you'll just be waiting with open arms for him when the time comes.<P>It helps to concentrate on yourself right now. Few of us don't have places where we can stand improvement. Get out there and start walking...it's a great stress reliever. <P>Work on the things that you think you did wrong in the marriage...so that you're prepared when he does come back to make your marriage the best it can be.<P>Come here when you need help. We'll be here.<P>Buffy<P>

Thank you everybody. I could probably stay with someone else and still work with him. But I can't keep my composure sometimes and my work is suffering, I'm losing my cool too often and worrying about ow (plural) too much. He has one friend in particular who is cheating on his wife on a regular basis, that smokes a lotta pot and just hangs out...uses his three kids as a pick-up line. I really dislike this guy and my H was obviously picking up behaviors from him over time, when he hangs around him 9like tonight, he's out with him now) he just acts like a different person.<BR>He has a lot of single friends. Male and female. I just can't stand to be around it, I have a hard time being pleasant about it and pretending it's not happening. It is hurting me so much to be here when he is so neutral, he acts like he barely even knows me and at work he avoids me and just talks to other people, ignores me basically. I get angry and have to go into my office to calm down, then I can't accomplish my work very well.<BR>I really don't want to leave. But I can't watch him do these things any more. He comes home only when it's convenient or there aren't any other chhicks or pals he can stay with. I watch his dog for him so he can stay out all night. He acts like he lives here but only comes here as a last resort. I am just in a lot of pain from being used. He doesn't even try to have sex any more and I don't know what to do. He sayas he loves me when he's by himself but if there are other people around he won't say it, on the phone he just says, thank you or you too.<BR>I am crying right now. I don't know what to do, I'm just scared and Though I am working out, eating well, getting help frmo a therapist, weekly, and hanging out with friends, I can't stop thinking about it and being sad. He's 26 soon 27 and I'm 27. I miss him every second here at the house and I get depressed about it. I got a haircut, I cleaned the place and have kept it nice, It smells good here and I am nice to him and make him welcome, but he doesn't want to be here or with me. My heart is breaking right now. My friends say he's not happy where he is now, and the family that knows him say he'll be back, but this just hurts so much. I'm trying to plan a but I can't stand to be apart from him like this. How can he be dating? how can he be over this and happy? I don't get it.<BR>I love him so much, it hurts right now. <BR>Sorry I needed to vent today.<BR>Thanks for listening...