Does anyone else have this problem and is this normal? I don't want to have sex with my H. I can't seem to get into that loving feeling. He has said so many things to me that lead me to believe that sex with me is the only need he has for me to meet b/c he can do his laundry and he can cook his meals and he can do this and that, etc.<P>He just wants us to meet the needs of each other that we can't meet ourselves. Whatever!<BR>This just bowled me over and I can't seem to forget it. <P>He has been back home for 10 months(physically) but actually it has only been 6 months since he broke off all contact with OW. I think he is still vascillating or withdrawing. I really can't tell. <P>Anyway, it has been two weeks or better since we made love the last time, God this is so personal... But, I hate to pay $95.00 to counselor to find out why I'm avoiding the bedroom issue.<P>I think I'm just down right tired of the thought of his being with someone else and trying to replace me for 13 months.<P>He refuses and avoids all self-help programs I have offered to do with him. He refuses to stop drinking long enough to get out of the fog,(don't know if he is Alcoholic or not, suspect that he is). I'm supposed to be taking Anti-d's but I don't want to if he's not going to bother to do anything that will help us.<P>I'm really feeling alot of resentment at this time and I feel like I should be doing alot better. When I first discovered the A, I was all over him and I know it was an effort to compete with OW and make sure he knew I was the best at anything. Now, I really don't give a sh--, I feel like he is just here for the kids anyway.<P>I'm really feeling down, I want to be with him intimately, I'm just not motivated, is this a particular phase I'm going through and will it pass? I'm so afraid he will find someone else if I don't watch my P's&Q's. I'm really afraid now to stand up for myself.<P>I think strange things sometimes: like today, I started thinking about him touching her (you know where!) with his wedding ring on and I got so upset and angry, never mentioned it to him, but did suggest he needs a knew ring b/c that ring "has been where many men have been before". He didn't get it!!!<P>Sorry for the rambling, please let me know if any of you are as NUTS as I am and if these reactions are normal. <P>Thanks, Cathy<BR>

No, you are okay. I'm the one who's messed up. The very thought of having my husband touch me grosses me out. That's why I am glad that I am staying here were I am at presently--at mom's--so that I won't have to deal with that just yet. You seem perfectly sane. I KNOW that I am crazy.<P>I talked to a Navy chaplain about this little problem, trying to get a man's point of view and all I got was "If you don't feed the cat at home, he's gonna dig through the garbage." Okay, I get it, har har, but I think that this problem goes a little deeper for me. I don't know what to do about it. I have heard some people mention "sexual excercises" here and there on MB, but no elaboration. It sounds like something that I need. I feel like a rape victim or something.<P>Anyone know about this "sex therapy" stuff? (Never did I in my entire life expect to discuss sex with ANYONE but my spouse! Here I am doing it!)

Thanks Berzini:<P>You are a nut, and it sounds like you are a fun nut. You offer great support here. Thanks for reassuring me, I just hope these feelings will pass, just like everything else has and I hope H will persevere.(sp)<P>Thanks, Cathy

Of course you are normal, Cathy! Bless you , hon, I know exactly what you mean... it is very difficult to get into such an intimate position with someone who has hurt you so badly. For a woman, I think that having sex with someone who has hurt her, is sort of like *submitting* to the male. "You hurt me bad, but have your jollies, anyway." I know that I have felt that way, at any rate. <P> On sexual exercises... well, I imagine that would have something to do with re-learning your spouse, in a sexual manner( on both fronts). <BR> Sort of like setting up a time and place to(a date, if you will) be close, touch, and do the things that a happy couple would/could be doing. Getting the kids out of the house (not an easy feat, I know), lighting some candles, putting on some sensual music, eating some delicious food...and relaxing with each other. Do the things that you did the first few times you were intimate: touch and explore. Did that help?<BR> <BR> First of course, you have to deal with your feelings. You are hurt, now you have him, but you don't really know if you even want the prize. Do try the anti-depressants. They can be a great help. I found that I could think much more clearly, even when I was in the midst of my own crises. Set a time for you and you alone. One hour a day to veg out, read, garden, shop, listen to music, work on a hobby, anything. As long as it is all about *you* at least for that *one* hour.<P> Another plus to helping yourself... if your H sees how hard you are working on you, maybe he will take your example and start to work on himself. <P> I'm sorry that you are having a tough time. Remember this, you will learn from the things that do not kill you. Hang in there. <BR> ((((((Cathy)))))))<P> Mynabird~ remembering that old poster of the kitten hanging on by a claw... <BR>

Hi Cathy:<P>Welcome if you're new here. <P>My H is still with OW (again), but vacillating between the two of us and I sometimes look at him and wonder "What do I even want him back for. I could probably do a lot better."<P>As for having sex with him...I'd have to have a battery of tests before I'd even think about it (where the ring has been. Yuck!)<P>So luckily I don't have to think about that right now...but I've been here before...and I've been through what you're going through.<P>The desire to be intimate with your H returns very slowly. And even when it does it is colored by the fact that this is not the same man you had sex with before the A.<BR>It changes them...in ways that you can't explain...there is a specialness to that relationship that is gone...and it will never return...it was violated and can never be made chaste again.<P>But you need to get past this...because sex is a man's way of getting emotional reconnected to his mate...but it can't be looked at as an obligation to fulfill an emotional need...it has to be freely given out of a feeling of renewed trust and commitment.<P>Old big bad Ow is also still around in that bed...and until he can kick her out and trully be there for you, you will feel the reserve you are feeling. Keep trying to talk to him and get him to understand the reassurance you need to commit yourself to him intimately again.<P>Keep working on it...it will come.<P>Buffy <P>