Sometimes it's all about how you post a topic. <P>Looking for a brainstorming session here. I need a list for:<P><B>"Things you can do instead of having an affair"</B>. How can you throw on the brakes and do a 180 before it's too late? <P>And I'm asking for input from both betrayers and betrayed. <P>Anything--from the small to large, the practical to the outrageous. Anything that you think of would help or just be fun. I'd like to download it and frame it. For myself as well as my H.<P>Alot of us betrayeds are at risk for affairs because of all the affection/admiration our betrayers poured out towards the OP and our need to feel desired like that as well. Did any of you betrayers ever realize this of your spouse? I don't think my H did. It's a very real threat. <P>Please help me out here.<P>In my other thread I've already suggested that when faced with the temptation, have a pint of haagan daas instead so that one's taken. <P>Mahalo,<P>Leilana<P><BR>

New beginning just said "<B>Run</B> and don't looke back/don't think twice" on that "other" thread started earlier.

How about talk about all those feelings that surface with your spouse? Remember those initial years when your relationship was warm and fuzzy? I think talking about it with your spouse would put a HUGE stop to the spiral (in a non-threatening, lovebusting way, of course). <p>[This message has been edited by Raskal (edited August 05, 2000).]

Post on MB, of course <BR>Workout, lift weights, long walks, hikes<BR>Eat<BR>Spend time with kids, if you've got them<BR>Jump on trampoline--with kids, then go to ER<BR>Garden, digging especially<BR>I would say massage, but Leilana scared me <BR>Call or go see a same-sex friend<P>Watch out for:<BR>TV<BR>Movies<P><BR>

Hi all -<P>I hope you don't mind if I jump in on this thread. As a WS, most of my top 100 things would be titled "If I Had it to do over again."<P>If I had it to do over again:<P>I would have actually worked late.<P>I would have taken a walk around the block.<P>I would have gone out for a beer with my Husband.<P>I would have told my husband how much I loved him and needed him.<P>I would have planted a garden.<P>I would have gone for a jog.<P>I would have called a friend.<P>I would have read a book to a child.<P>I would have fed the hungry, built shelter for the homeless, done anything to make someone else's life a little easier.<P>I would have thought about someone other than myself.<P>Well, that's not 100, but I wish I would have done anything rather than become involved in an affair. Now, at least, I know better.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited August 07, 2000).]

May I add, when faced with temptation, go home and "ravage" your spouse. Put all that energy into the one who you always promised to reserve it for.<P>SKM--I'm asking for help from EVERYONE--betrayers and betrayed. You sound more than qualified. Loved the suggestions. Bless you. Unfortunately this post looks like it's dead in the water!

Just posted on a new thread...<P>Throw out all your old shoes and clean your closet.<P>If that doesn't work, consider massive doses of chocolate

How's about ...<P>Think about when your first child was born and the excitment and tears, the awe you both experienced.<P>Put on the movie "Fatal Attraction" and take notes.<P>Spend a day at a "Day Spa" and have yourself pampered by professionals. [less chance of involvement]<P>Talk to your spouse about your needs and tell them what they are ... especially the unmet one that is driving you toward an A w/OP.<P>Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that your desires and emotions are couterfeit and will hurt alot of people if you follow thru, not to mention all that you'll lose.<P>Take a look at the D/D board and do some reading and reflecting on if YOU want to end up there.<P>Talk to a trustworthy friend about it, one that you respect and admire, one with a solid value system and state of morals and spirituality.<P>Pray! Pray! Pray! Amen<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 07, 2000).]

LOL about the day spa, Jo!<P>Apparently you didn't know that my "near A" was in a day spa!! <P>May we amend that to an all-female staffed day spa?! <BR>

Back to the TOP!<P>This thread needs more visability.<P>And "yes" Leilana, consider my post edited to say "same sex" day spa for the MBer's who are in the deficit regarding ENs. (count me as one)<P>Jo

Aloha, Leilana:<P>I am so old and boring, I wouldn't know HOW to start an affair anymore. I think the guilt of even talking to another man would overwhelm me long before it ever happened!<P>What you have to do is, long before you go out into the crazy world every morning is take a good thoughtful look at your house, your kids, the man you love--no matter what state any of this is in--and say to yourself "I HAVE BEEN BLESSED SO MUCH IN LIFE THAT I COULD NEVER STAND TO LOOSE THIS!!!!!"<P>Cuz I am thinking that no matter what you do, no matter where you go in the world, there is going to be temptation, especially when you are the weakest. You just have to remember who you are and what you really want.<P>What is it they teach little kids to say when they are offered a joint? JUST SAY NO!<P>So, when you:<P>Go to the grocery store, and look at the cute guy behind you in the slow check-out line who is smiling at you, and he asks you what kind of laundry soap works best because he's "just never done laundry before."<P>JUST SAY NO!<P>Go to the gym, and there's a muscle-bound cutie who asks you if you need a spot. . .and a new work out partner.<P>JUST SAY NO!<P>Go to work, and you look at one of your co-workers and for the first time realize how pretty his eyes are--and how much he has been whining lately about the weight has wife has put on and how she doesn't understand him anymore. And he proposes the "Can we talk about this over lunch?" thing.<P>JUST SAY NO!<P>You fight with your husband, and it seems lately that your best friend's husband is the only one you can talk to, as he has that ready-made "man's point of view." And he's so gentle, funny, and kind, why does she complain about him all the time?<P>JUST SAY NO!<P>Okay, well, I think that I have made my point.<P>It's going to be rough for any of us. You just have to make up your mind about what you want before the temption happens.

...<p>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited July 02, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Beerman2:<BR><B><BR>Leilana, this is why I didn't respond to this thread earlier. I've had my own problems in this area and it's not going away. Just today I had a meeting with a lady from a temporary service that wanted to do business with us; very attractive, beautiful eyes. I was very profesional, but I wanted to ask her out to lunch. What am I thinking!?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's exactly why you <B>need</B> to post things to do/remember to throw on the brakes, Hon! If you didn't have a problem with it, you'd hardly be qualified to post anything! I hope your pretty eyed temp didn't end up getting hired. It's gonna make it even harder for you to stay on track. Did you ever tell your W about how you're feeling and what has happened twice now to you? I sometimes wonder if it's an LB or a wake up call to tell the WS when we're suseptible/had our chance for an A too.<BR>Anybody here have had that experience?<P> Glad that you posted, Steve. Thanx, Bud. <P>And these are all good. Covering all different aspects here. <P>I remember feeling completely bamboozled. Magnetized--being pulled in. I couldn't remember the why's and should not's--I only felt totally adored and the joy of complete escape from all this plan A/recovery yuckiness. <P>The only things I had the strength to do:<P>... was say NOTHING "encouraging" back... <P>...use my sense of humor to deflect/refute/diffuse some of his comments. Try to keep things light instead of intense...<P>...respond only as a platonic or same sex friend would...<P>...try and change the focus of the conversation back to him, his interests, other related topics--give out no personal life stories or information...<P>When it started happening--by the grace of God I did this automatically--I couldn't even remember my last name let alone WHY I shouldn't be having an A!<P> <BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited August 11, 2000).]

...<p>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited July 02, 2001).]

Well Beerman2 ...<P>Tells me the WS's should be heeding this warning, probably that's why A don't last.<P>Thanks for reminding them!<P>Jo

My suggestion, Tell your spouse what you are planning on doing. If my W had come to me to tell me what she was going to to before she did it, then all the talking we've done in the last 2 months could have been done before the fact and not after. Good luck everyone.<BR>