Here's the recap so far:<BR>W unhappy in marriage, meets old hs flame in Vegas, begins long-distance EA, asks for divorce. Announces she's moving out, eventually moving to Vegas as soon as OM is divorced. I've been house-sitting for friends until she's gone, struggling with Plan B now for about 2 weeks. W is holding off on filing for divorce until she gets some therapy.<P>Yesterday I failed Plan B bigtime, but maybe not!<P>Today is our 3rd anniversary/my 35th b-day. Yesterday I had to meet W to remove her name from the bank accounts. She wasn't ready to go yet, so I went into the bedroom and sat down to wait. She came in and sat next to me. She wanted to talk. I excused myself for a moment. When I came back, she was in tears.<P>This is important, as I realized right then and there that my W had never cried in front of me! She's a tough cookie, and never, ever showed these emotions to anyone. In the 5 years I've known her, I've never seen such a display of raw emotion. I gave in, and held her for a very long time. We wound up talking/napping/etc in each others arms for about 6 hours. She told me how horrible she had been feeling, how confused she was, and how she can't seem to remember what was so bad about our marriage.<P>She admitted that maybe her feelings for OM weren't what she thought they were, but she stopped short of saying it was over between them.<P>I told her that until she decides to come back, I have decided to act as if she's already gone for good, since anything else would be too difficult emotionally. In short, I told her I was ready to move on with my life, if it came to that. I think that took some time to sink in, but when it did, she seemed more interested in the prospect of saving our marriage.<P>She's still moving out. We decided that, although yesterday was great, there was no telling when our tempers might flare. She needs time away from both me and the OM, plus a few sessions with our therapist before she figures out what's what.<P>My question is: What next? I know I have to wait until she comes to a decision (maybe a couple of months or more, depending on the therapy), but do I continue with Plan B? It seems that the longer she goes without talking to the OM, the closer she gets to me. Yet at the same time, the longer she goes without talking to me, the closer she gets to me! Absence makes the heart grow fonder for me and not for him, I guess.<P>Thoughts?

hi cjack,<P>I love these posts that show the turn-around in WS. Just gives us all so much hope.<P>It's kinda tough now because Plan B is working, but it could also send her into OM's arms for communication needs. I wish some of the experts had posted, because I know there is a clear-cut answer for this one. I'm kind of stuggling with which plan to be on now too, so I am absolutley no good to you! Sorry.<P>One thing I do know...confusion is good. She is wilting, vascilating, she knows that what she is doing is not right. She will have to reach so far down into her resolve right now to actually move to Vegas and shelve you...and she doesn't sound like she has it in her.<P>I'd have a hard time with Plan A right now, but they say you shouldn't go back and forth, so I guess you have to ask yourself if you can emotionally take Plan A? Does Plan B seem safer to you?<P>WHERE ARE THE EXPERTS???<P>allison

I am not an expert, either, but I am excited for you!! I'll see if I can't bring this back up to the top where it will get noticed by smart people.<P>I personally think that you should go back to speaking to her. She needs someone to show her that she is loved. Allison is right, she might start looking for love in all the wrong places!

Well, last night we went out to dinner, and I spent the night at my house for the first time in a couple weeks. I don't know if it was a good idea or not, but we seemed to re-capture some of that romantic feeling we had when we were dating.<P>She's acting the way she acted when we moved in together...kind of making an effort to win me over again, I think.<P>Problem is, I know that OM is coming to visit soon. I'm worried that, as soon as she sees him, the progress we've made these past few days will go out the window. <P>I do know that she hasn't spoken to him in a few days. The last time he called, she said "I just can't talk to you right now" and hung up! <P>Thanks Allison and Bernzini for the thoughts. Wish me luck!

Back to the top for more advice!<P>I've moved back home, she's moved out, and I had an interesting conversation with her the other day.<P>She told me she was "seriously considering unpacking all these boxes, and writing OM an e-mail saying I can't see you anymore and I need to work things out with my husband."<P>That floored me, to say the least! This was the first time she admitted she may want to work things out, and the first time she even partially suggested that OM was anything other than her "soul-mate." I think she's gone a few days without speaking to him, and her e-mail activity has been zero for about a week.<P>I refused to give her advice one way or another. I said she had do decide to come back for the right reasons. She's been feeling guilty, sad, and lonely lately, and I told her that guilt, sadness, and loneliness are not the grounds for a happy marriage. <P>Did I do the right thing to let her leave? Or should I have jumped at the chance and encouraged her to stay?

cjack,<P>Hang tough on Plan B...<P>...especially with OM coming to visit soon.<P>...do you know how many times you will see the expression <B>"having her cake and eating it too"</B>... if you go back t Plan A?<P>...do you remember that Plan B is to save you from the pain of her vascillating?<P>...keep the course... until she can write that "No more contact with OM" letter!<P>...no... you can'tmake her stay... it will hae to be <B>her</B> decision!<P>Hang tough...<P> <P>Jim

Hi, cjack,<P>I'd like to add that I think she's testing whether you would be willing and able to reconcile w/ her after what has happened... running it up the flagpole so to speak.<P>While I think caution is appropriate for you, and she certainly has to make this decision of her own accord... *please* don't neglect to let her know you still love her, "the door is open", and you have confidence that everything can be worked out.<P>As a former betraying W, I think I can hear the question behind her seemingly 'offhand' remarks... which is, "will you still have me?" When the fantasy starts to flag, shame moves in...<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Thanks Jim and Suse. <P>Jim, I realize that she needs to end it with the OM, and I've told her that. I've also told her that I'm assuming she's gone for good, since that is healthier for me. <P>It is difficult, however, to cut off all contact, since our daughter is sick right now. I realize that's a cop-out, but I can't seem to figure out how to see my child and not talk to my wife at the same time <P>Suse, I think you may be right, and I've already told her I'll take her back. <P>Time, time, time!<BR>

Just remember to make sure that she KNOWS that you still love her. That you would rather be together, but if you can't then you will move on. Good luck. <BR>PS I know how that anniversary thing is.

The killer thing is, we married on my birthday! She could never remember the date, so we figured it'd be a great way to help her remember. Plus, what a great birthday present...now that day is screwed up, maybe forever!<P>Az Allison: just curious, what part of AZ?

Hey CJack<P>Peoria, just outside of Phx. You live around here too? <P>My computer keeps freezing up, so I'll try to keep this short.<P>CJack, everything sounds good. Your wife, as I said, is good and confused. Confusion is good. It's great that she is letting you back in a little bit at a time here. Just be prepared for the roller-coaster ride to continue. Just when I think everything is going well here, I am thrown for a loop. YOur attitude that you assume it's over is a wise one in my opinion. That way, you are prepared for the worst, but can still hope for the best.<P>Take care of yourself and your daughter. The kids have such a hard time will all of this. I'd sure hate to see your W move her to Vegas.<P>Be gone for a few days, but will check back.<P>Hey, how do you know your wife and OM are not e-mailing? Good job on that piece of detective work. Also, that is great news...sounds like maybe OM is just a little scared right now too. Maybe he's not pushing her...maybe he isn't sure this is what he wants. Hope so.<P>allison

Thanks Allison! I live in Chandler, other side of the world, really! I work in central Phx though.<P>I haven't been posting much since W took the computer, but I'm up and running at work now.<P>OM e-mails her at work via AOL. That's the one password she hasn't changed, and doesn't know I know. I don't know if she's talking to him on the phone, though <P>There was a cancellation at the therapist's office, so she's going for her 1st session today, instead of the 25th. <P>Thanks again, and good luck to you!