Hi,<P>I am in the process of trying to recover my marriage from 5 or more years of not meeting her emotional needs satisfactorily. <P>I feel this problem resulted from my sexual desires (my major EN) not being completely satisfied. The other problem was not knowing the difference between her ENs & mine. I thought working myself to death & providing a comfortable life for our family was my primary duty. I know now that her two primary ENs are affection and conversation.<P>I am working on spending more time with her and talking with her, as well as showing her as much non-sexual affection as I can, without pressuring her.<P>We've had one session with Jennifer & are having another on Wednesday. My wife expresses a reluctant willingness to work to save the marriage, and that she believes that it is worth saving. She is not very enthusiastic about the counseling, but has agreed to continue it. I haven't gotten her to fill out the questioinaires yet, but she says she will.<P>My question is for a wife who has experienced what I've put her through. What should I do to keep her interested in working to save our marriage? We've been married 15 years and have a 9 year old son. I am completely finished with my destructive behavior & need to find the right way to win back her trust and confidence. It's only been a week since she said she was no longer "in love with me", so I'm not expecting anything, but a womans perspective on this might help me do the right thing and make fewer mistakes.<P>Thanks<P>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited Aug 14, 2000).]<P><p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited May 23, 2001).]

Hi Cooker,<P>Not too many replies yet huh? Well, this will bring your post back up to the top, so hopefully some wiser folks than me will have some advice.<P>It sure sounds to me like you're doing ALL the right things. There are a lot of betrayed spouses here that would be thrilled if their partner were as pro-active in recovery as you are. Unfortunatley, that ugly four letter word used around here a lot is about to rear it's ugly head...TIME.<P>She needs some time to heal. I know it was a one time thing a while back, but she is still hurting cooker, and needs your support. Keep up with the no internet thing. That seems to be a hard one to break from what I've seen here. <P>Your wife needs to hear over and over again how sorry you are. I know, you guys would like to act like it never happened, but it did, and it happened to your wife too. Plan some special times with your wife. Bring her a small gift for no reason. Woo her.<P>And cooker, good for you for getting on the right track here...now, could you please talk to my husband (kidding.)<P>allison

Hi Allison,<BR>Thanks for the words of encouragement. <P>I think we had a super weekend together. She had a softball game & they needed an extra, so I played on her team. Then we went home to get cleaned up so we could go to the beach, and I noticed she spent a lot of time fixing herself up and she was seriously gorgeous. I also noticed that she wore a lot of jewelry that I had gotten her from previous trips. We had a wonderful time at the beach, then went home and hung out together. <P>Sunday we slept in (our son had been stashed away at friends) and gave each other back rubs. I had to work so we spent the day apart. When I got home I sat in the tub & soaked for awhile. While I was in there, I noticed her getting all dressed up again, in one of my very favorite outfits. When I asked her who she was getting all babed out for, she said "you, who else?" Later that evening I filled the bedroom with candles, cued up a song she loves in the CD player and invited her in. We danced slowly for the song, than layed in bed together. After awhile she got up and put on a red silk chenise and we started kissing, and ended up making love together. <P>I didn't think that this would happen this soon, and I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know that I have just started to make progress in repairing the damage I have done to our relationship, but I can't help but feel that this indicates some small spark of feeling for me is still left in her heart. <P>I left a card for her in her car, thanking her for giving me such a wonderful weekend this morning.<P>So Allison, what do you think? I know I'm just getting started, and I don't want to overdo it and scare her off. Is a romantic gesture 2 or 3 times a week enough? Too much?<BR>I'm sure she still doesn't know whether she can ever love me again, so I want to make sure I do everything I can to maintain a balance between letting her know I'm commited to saving this relationship and pressuring her or appearing too desperate. <P>Sorry so long winded this morning. I'm thinking about you & hoping your husband comes through for you.<P>Take care,<P>Nick

Keep up with the romantic gestures & no it's never too much as long as you don't 'suffocate' her. There will be lapses but what you need to know is what makes your situation different from so many others is that you as the WS is taking all the right steps. Usually it's the BS who has to beg for a second chance. As difficult as it is to deal with an A, it's even harder when the WS doesn't even seem sorry or guilty or willing to try. That's the way most of the recovery processes begin. <BR>Work on gaining back her trust as well. I read a quote this weekend that I think said so much. It's not just about a committment to saving the marriage but a committment to enriching it every day. Maybe that's what happened to all of us on this site - we got so caught up with mortgage payments, kids, life in general that we forgot how to have marriage enrich our lives.<BR>Good luck & keep in mind that your situation seems pretty good for success

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep letting her know she is number one. Personally I can't have enough romantic gestures! It's not an easy thing for your W to recover from and there will be ups and downs. Hang in there.

Thanks for replies.<P>My romantic gesture for today was to pull her car into the garage (it was pouring) on my way to work & leaving a card thanking her for the wonderful weekend. I'm expecting a little downer on the rollercoaster tonight, but we have a session scheduled with Jennifer for Wednesday night, so maybe I'll get some other ideas.<P>If you come up with any good ideas or suggestions, I'd love to hear them <P>thanks

We're continuing to talk and our relationship seems fundamentally sound in that she says she feels friendship, and still loves me, but she's not "in love with me". I know it took some time for her to fall out of love with me, and if I think hard about it, maybe I fell a little out of love with her too. I feel like we have a lot to offer one another and a son to care for and that that should be enough to make the marriage worth saving and the relationship worth improving. I know it will take a long time and I'm willing to take however long it takes, but I'm afraid I'm not making the right gestures to make her want to keep trying, or I'm not making enough of them or I'm making too many of them. After 20 years of being with her, it seems like I didn't really know her well enough.