I’m full of many emotions today and I’m not really sure where this post will take me. It is long and may be redundant but if you could possibly be patient and can get thru this venting, I could use some advice here.<BR>I just want this to all go away. I have read recently and do agree that I do want my old life back. I miss my life before. I miss me. There is so much going on in my life that I would like to feel good about, and all that has been taken away due to my H’s lack of self -control. Here are my current feelings.<BR>>I cannot separate the pre-affair marital problems from the affair. Don’t get me wrong. I am in no way taking ANY blame for the affair. He made that choice. But we did have our problems in that his needs were not being met. I’m having a really hard time accepting my part because whenever I do start to understand I feel as if I’m removing some of the blame, and also feel as if I am a failure to my marriage, husband, and myself.<BR>>I’m tired of writing, reading, typing, thinking, and living this nightmare. The person I loved and promised me the world hurt me in the worst possible way he could.<BR>>I’m envious that he appears to go on with his life. He laughs and jokes with his friends, answers the phone happy, goes on fishing trips, wants to go on vacation (and I dread that), and wants intimacy yet is being patient with me. Almost acting as if life is “normal”, meanwhile I feel like I’m bleeding inside and have to cook, clean, wash, fold, iron, and take care of the kids. I can do it. It’s just so hard sometimes.<BR>>I’m tired of lying to people close to me when they ask me what is wrong, just to protect his feelings. Did he protect mine?<BR>>I’m overwhelmed by the spectrum of emotions.<BR> ~I’m angry with him for doing this to me/us.<BR> ~I’m angry he brought her into our life/bed.<BR> ~I feel betrayed by the one person who vowed to protect me.<BR> ~I’m resentful for many reasons:<BR> 1) He gave what he promised to me to someone else.<BR> 2) He used protection with me during his affair, but not with her. <BR> 3) He got her pregnant and risked all kinds of diseases.<BR> 4) She had his son in May.<BR> ~ I feel hurt that he couldn’t wait for me. Wasn’t this for better or for worse?<BR> ~I’m angry she will now be apart of our lives forever. She will never go away.<BR>>He has taken away one of the most important times in my life. I’m pregnant with his son, due in October. SHE has already done that. I am finding it difficult to think and compare for the arrival.<BR>>I’m angry that he hasn’t been bending over backwards for forgiveness. I have explained what I need the “mushy stuff”(cards, flowers) and I haven’t seen it. I’m not looking for how much money he will spend. I just want to see the gestures. He does comfort me. I am lucky in that respect. Yet I need to be “wooded” again.<P><BR>I’m venting now. I really need to know how all of those of you have accepted the past as being the past, taken responsibility for things and not felt as if you were compromising yourself. How did you allow yourself to love again, after all the hurt that person caused? I look at him and want to feel that overwhelming feeling of love again, but I see the deception and betrayal. I know he loves me and I do love him. I do feel that I can do this, but sometimes I feel that I’m too emotionally sensitive and stubborn. How do you move on? How do you want to do things to heal something the person you trusted broke? Please advise me on any or all parts of this post. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I need answers to all the above!!<BR>My first post appears on the "In Recovery" board posted on 8/3/00.<P><BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited August 17, 2000).]

- Understanding what was wrong pre-A doesnt mean you're accepting the blame nor should you. As a BS, I DO NOT accept responsibility for H's A. <BR>- You shouldn't be obsessed with this 24/7. Take time out for yourself. Begin to enjoy your life. Get to know who you are again. Don't dwell on the negatives but concentrate on enriching your life, marriage<BR> - Tell him you're still hurting & require more time. Don't keep everything in. You'll become resentful & one day blow up<BR>- Is there someone very close you can confide in. Let him know you need to talk to someone. Are you in counselling. You shouldn't have to bare the burden alone. Maybe that's why you're feeling so overwhelmed. You need release.<BR>- I can't even begin to understand your pain re: OW being pregnant. There is no chance to break off all contact with OP when they have a child together. I do not know how to advise you here. BUT you must concentrate on you & your baby. I can relate to that part - I'm due in a few weeks. Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the best times in a woman's life, but how can it be when your life is falling apart all around you & you're not sure what kind of life you can offer your child. I was in great depression sometimes but the thought of my baby always helped me - I'm somewhat surprised it's been an easy pregnancy considering what I've gone through. You two take priority over H/marriage.<BR> - You can't forgive him all at once - it takes time. Has he forgiven himself? Some WS are not able to do that & I see that as an obstacle.<BR>- I understand you need the little gestures but there are more important actions he should be taking as well to gain your trust back. He has to work with you on this.<P>I look at my H as someone's who's lost & is trying to find his way back home. He was always a good man who now has done a terrible thing. But that doens't make him a bad person nor does his mistake seal our fate. And he's taking steps to 'fix' things knowing he can never undo what he's done & believe me the WS do live with the pain of having hurt the ones they love.<BR>Please make sure you can talk to someone about this. It helps to ease the pain.<BR>

Hi Not Giving Up,<P>Have you thought of giving him this post. Let him read how you feel. Maybe he needs that to know how much damage has been done.<P>(((((((Not Giving UP)))))))<P>You need a hug. Try taking it one day at a time.

In answer to a few questions. i do have a few people to talk to and I have been in counseling for a month and he has gone once and willing to go again. My problem is not that he isn't willing to work on things, he is. It's just that I'm so stuck in this place. "A rut if you will."<BR>He has not been to any of these websites and i should probally invite him in to read all of my posts and to read others too. he probally would get alot out of it.

Hi there...<BR>I just went back and read your first post, from a week or so ago. At that time, you'd only known about his affair about 3 weeks, right? So, all of this is still very, very new...<P>No wonder your poor head is spinning!!! All I can tell you is that we have all been there, with these thoughts all dashing back and forth, feeling overwhelmed and unsure if healing will ever start. I recall vividly anger & sorrow & resentment & hope and compassion & hurt all competing for attention (and my H's affair was never physical, so I did not have that aspect to deal with). And you are pregnant on top of everything.<P>My best advice is to be patient with yourself and your husband. As long as the two of you continue to talk honestly and caringly, and try to understand the other's point of view, you will start healing. It takes time, and is very slow at first. <P>Your marrage did not fall apart overnight, and it won't be fixed overnight...but you and your H can fix it.<P>Hang in there.<P>Kathi

Hello NGU,<P>My eyes welled up with tears when reading your post. I had to respond. <P>My H also has fathered 2 OC with 2 OW. It hurt to where there just weren't words. And I with no children. I always thought I'd have kids, there just wasn't a question, but here I am with no kids and no H either.<P>I'll tell you how you get thru this, at least how I tried to get thru it and I'm still struggling.<P>The first thing is time, it seems to make things change as it goes by, their sting and hurt isn't as raw as it was when it first happened. Time is a true healer. You have to stop obsessing about it, there are other things in life that are more important, your life & happiness is one and your new babies life is another. Living with this thing around your neck morning, noon and night will not make it go away. Nor will it help you heal.<P>If you can, you need to resolve yourself to the fact that it's happened and you need to go forward and not make it what you are now. You know that I mean? You can choose to let it make you someone you don't want to be ... or you can accept it and move forward, leaving the ugliness behind you. You don't want to be defined by it and you don't want it living in your head the rest of your life.<P>You're hearing this from someone who has been there and knows how you're feeling, it's unbelievably hard to accept, I do know, Hon. <P>When we first found out about the OC my H didn't want to participate in their lives. He felt those women burned him by getting pregnant deliberately (his words). Then as time went by he changed his mind and started to see them, I was affraid of the women, they were both bad news and had threatened me several times. But I made friends with one of them (a reformed IV drug addict). She is trying her best to fix her life and I respect her for that. And her son, my H's son, is a beautiful child, absolutely beautiful. I feel priviledged and blessed that she allows me to be his stepmomma and trusts me with him. The whole thing blows me away. Truly.<P>See things change. Feelings change and people find themselves more "Resilient" then they could ever imagine. The hurt goes away, but it isn't completely forgotten, that one I'm still working on.<P>I'll be around if you want to post some more. I do understand how you feel, and with this new arrival you need to take good care of yourself and maybe try and table the hurt until you're holding him/her in your loving arms.<P>Be well,<BR>Jo <P>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 17, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 17, 2000).]

Again, thank you for the posts and I'd like to add.<BR>Kam6318: It's true that the emotions are overwhelming and the fact that there are so many that oppose each other just adds to the confusion. I'm lucky in that my H does talk honestly, because alot of the questions I ask him have answers that hurt yet he still says it. I think he really does want to fix this. I just can't get up the nerve to move past. Does it sound strange that I'm actually scared to move on?<BR>Resilient: Thank you for sharing your situation with me. I'm a little confused. Are you still with youe H. At first I got hte impression you were not and then that you were. I have often wondered that if my H ever did this again would I be able to handle it? I always told him pre-marriage and pre-affair " If youever betray me, I promise I will leave you." And here I sit. I don't know if I could handle another blow like this. I have been thru alot in my life, as I'm sure everyone has. I battled anorexia and depression for 10 years, lost my Mom to cancer at 14, and just lost my Dad (and best friend at that) to a short battle with cancer this april. That I was very unprepared for. They say God only gives you what you can handle. I really think He has overestimated me. This one really threw me for a loop. My H is unsure if he wants to participate in his sons life. I'm afraid that he will look at our little boy(yes we found out!) and always wonder because they are so close in age. I did tell him, however that if he finds out the baby isn't being cared for properly, to discuss with me the option of taking him in. I know it sounds crazy, and I probally couldn't handle it now, yet as a mother, I couldn't turn my back. He is my H's child. Thank you for your inspiring words on this, as it must be hard since you mentioned you wanted to have children of your own. You are a strong person and a great inspiation.<P>I look forward to any and all thoughts and advice on these loooong posts of mine. I do listen and take all to heart. I guess I just need to know how others were able to finally get up and look at this thing in the face and fight it! I'm still not going to give up, but how does one do that?