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lostva Offline OP
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Hi, everyone!<P>I haven't posted a thread in a while, figured it was about time. Robert and I just returned from our very first vacation alone EVER (not even a honeymoon) and we've just past our six-month mark in recovery, so I thought I might just fill you guys in.<P>Vacation was wonderful....I mean so amazingly wonderful that I can't even describe it! We had planned to go to a little place we both love but had never visited (not since we were kids) for five nights...well, it soon turned into 7! We just didn't want to leave. There's not much going on there...quiet, a bit of fishing, the streets roll up around 9. It was absolutely perfect. We fished and laughed and loved and talked like we never have in 11 years...and I mean NEVER! We touched on a few serious issues here and there for 10 minutes or so...it was relaxed and easy. By the time we came home, we still couldn't get enough of each other so he took a few more days off work (yup - ROBERT took extra days off work! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]) so that we could have more time together. He even told me Saturday, after cutting the grass all day, that after being with me for so long 24/7, he even missed me while cutting the grass!!! We left on my b-day (8/4) and rolled through the anni of the day he left me (8/5) without a single problem...I never even THOUGHT of it until the next day! I had obsessed about it the week before. What a difference a year can make.<P>With all the peace and quiet, we were able to connect like I never knew we could. We talked about stuff...some serious, some weird, just talked and I got to do a bit of thinking, sometimes out loud, for me as well. A lot of you know that I had a bit of a meltdown a few weeks ago. Robert was fighting some unresolved demons and, for almost the first time in so very long, I wasn't sure I was strong enough for another battle. In hindsight, it really wasn't a big deal, I don't think. But it did me in. I sorta wondered why. Some of it came to me this past week.<P>The strangest thing happened. We spent most of the time just walking or fishing or sitting around watching movies and such...we both needed a rest...especially him. Working 7 days a week for WAYYYY too many months, plus going to school at night! (my family and movies). Anyway, at the end on one movie, I started crying (actually, it WAS sad and he shed a tear, too, but I completely fell apart!). I cried and cried, went out on our deck and cried some more, for more than a couple of hours. For those of you who don't know, my dad was killed just as my marriage began falling apart. D-day was just a couple months later and Robert was gone a month after that. His death was unexpected, Mom was not in good shape at all (she was battling cancer) and, as my brother said, as usual, I was the "strong" one (believe it or not!). But stuff had to be handled and someone had to do it. Once I got through the "stuff" part of his death, it was d-day and all my energy went toward this mess. Except for a few tears packing my dad's things and a few at the funeral, I never had time to miss him much. Or to really grieve. I really THOUGHT I had..come to terms with everything. Guess not. This place where we went on vacation was one of Papa's favorite places in the world and we hadn't been since I was a little girl. We were so very close and we both loved it more than anything back then. The movie was sad (a dad died) and well, the rest is history. I bawled. And talked to Robert about my dad, about us, about this year. He was pretty quiet....asked me what I needed and I told him just to be there and listen..he didn't need to say anything and I really didn't want to be held. So he sat there with me and listened, reassured and loved me. And when the whole thing was over, it was like a million pounds had been lifted. Guess I really needed that.<P>Lots went on in my head during the last 10 days...coming to terms with staying at home, rather than working and figuring out my purpose (yeah, I was still struggling with that) and lots of things about me in regards to my marriage and Robert. I'm still working on stuff, but feeling really good right now....better than ever...about where I'm heading and where WE'RE heading. <P>Robert had some time and rest to settle some things that had been bothering him as well. We're different now....both of us. More real somehow. I managed, without knowing how, to let go of most of the baggage I was carrying about this whole mess and especially about recovery and rebuilding. Not really with help from him, just somehow, inside myself. It just doesn't seem to matter much anymore. I feel differently and I act differently. Not so much on edge, not so worried about doing something wrong, not nearly as focused on the fact that we're recovering from an affair as focused on the fact that we're a couple building a life together. That makes a big difference. The triggers aren't popping up in my head. I guess I'm just not afraid anymore. We're a great couple, who love each other very much. We're gonna have problems and disagreements and those things happen...no matter how healthy the marriage and they happen in marriages that have never been touched by an affair. I can handle that. I'm not panicking that these things will make him want to leave. I'm just not so worried. Hopefully, it will last...I think so, I feel differently inside.<P>The nicest thing happened. Almost 2 years ago, when Robert met PT, about the same time he hurt his hand and it swelled and he took off his wedding ring. B/C of what was going on, he never wore it again...I had it in my jewelry box. When he came home, after a week or so, he asked if I still had it, but it didn't fit anymore. He said it was dangerous to work in anyway, so he put it on a chain around his neck. Didn't exactly feel the same to me, but, hey, that's what he was comfortable with. I never mentioned it again. The day b/f we left, the chain broke. Robert ran to the jeweler's the morning we left and had the clasp on his chain replaced, but said that Bruce said the ring was too heavy and that was what had broken the last clasp so he didn't put it back on the chain. We were in a hurry and leaving, and then had such a good time, I never had a chance to think about it. Good thing! It probably would have worried me to death that he wasn't gonna wear it anymore!!!!<P>Anyway, he took off on Monday and we were going off to visit his parents and he said he had a stop to make. We stopped by the jewelers and he picked up his ring! He had had it re-sized and re-shaped (his knuckle and finger are two sizes different) so that he could wear it again. He left it there on my b-day so that it could be ready when we got back! And he's been wearing it ever since. I told him that it was the most wonderful present I ever had. He said it was for him, not me, but he was glad it made me happy.<P>On the way home, he asked how long he had been home. Six months, why? It seems like I never left. I told him I hoped it was better than before he left. We talked a bit after that about our marriage...good talk.<P>Later that night I was lying in bed and a demon of my own popped in....."like I never left". I felt myself falling into the "betrayed trap". Wish I could feel like he never left, how can he just forget it so easily, blah, blah, blah. The the light came on....how wonderful! What a wonderful thing to say and I needed to recognize it as such. The affair happened to us...there's no denying that. And I know that neither of us will never forget it. <P>I'm not sure how to explain this, feelings and words don't always mix, you know. I realized it was great that he felt he never left. I thought about the other things he said, the things he's been saying most all the time. I realized that that meant he wasn't looking at us as a "recovering" or "rebuilding" couple, but as a couple, married, loving, building a life together. He wasn't diminishing what had happened, he was doing what we both should be doing. Recognizing it, but putting it in it's place, not focusing on it as part of our future together. It doesn't belong in our future, it belongs in our past. I agree, 100%. Not forgotten...the lessons we both learned will be with us forever, and hopefully we will always carry the good that came from it with us. But it's time NOT to carry the pain anymore, to let go of the hurt of that affair, just as we're letting go of the hurt of our marriage prior to it. Bringing the good stuff with us and building on it, but leaving the rest behind. <P>In all my optimism and determination, I had still allowed myself to be a little bit "the betrayed". In some way or another, it seemed to color the way I looked at life, the way I handled problems....sometimes so subtly that I didn't recognize it. But it did. <P>I finally "got it". I'm not "the betrayed". I WAS, but I'm not now. I am a woman, good and strong, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a partner, a person. I have been shaped by being betrayed in my past, but it cannot affect me in any way that I don't allow it to, anymore than anything else, any other pain that happened in my past. I don't define myself by the fact that once I was raped, I don't define myself by the fact that I suffered abuse by my first husband, I don't define myself by the hundreds of other things that happened to me. They CONTRIBUTED the person that I am today, in the manner that I chose to let them. I chose whether they would affect me negatively or positively and I made that part of me, but the horrors of these things did not define me. I will no longer live as "a betrayed spouse". It's not me anymore. I'm a good woman who learned a great many lessons through yet another tragedy in my life. It no longer "feels" like who I am. It feels good. It feels right. It feels like Lori. A bit older, a bit wiser, a bit more grounded, but Lori.<P>I've learned a bit about love....I see the "what is love" posted on every board on this forum. I think I know, for me anyway, but that's a long, long ramble, so we'll let it go for now. But, I tell you what, I've found it, inside myself. And it's such a solid and stable thing. To finally just FEEL like I know...to believe it inside.<P>Oh, well, you'd think eventually I'd learn to shut up now and then, wouldn't you? Got to dress for a dr's appt, so I'd better go. I'm not here every day, but I do check up on everyone. We're doing just fine, me and Robert and Kristin. Just fine.<P>Love to you all,<P>Lori<BR>

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<B>Sis - </B> Can you see me smiling from here??? :-) I knew you both needed to get away, but you really went into overdrive...LOL..<P>Isn't it great how so much of this has been worked thru in your head and heart and the topper is that you didn't have to work that hard to do it. It just came when you could finally let go of the world for a while.<P>You have just made my day!! Love you and be sure and tell Robert and Kristin that I love them too. I'm so proud of all three of you.<P>--DeWayne--<P>BTW, the length of this post tells me you are really getting back to normal!! :-)

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lostva Offline OP
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Well, well, well....my long lost brother!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I'll be home by 10:00. I want to talk to you!!!! (Uh OH!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<P>Luv ya!<P>Lori

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Lori: Kudos to your inner strength!<P>So what's next? A name change? Lostva to Foundva..... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com].<P>So happy you found you! Peace, ~Marie

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UH-OH...What did I do now??? You can't know anything, you've been gone and there isn't anyone here who would tell on me!!!!<P>--DeWayne--

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All I can say is...WOW!<P>What a great post! Jim has GOT to put this in the notables thread!<P>Please share with us what you have found out about what love is. It's OK if it's long. Maybe start another thread "Lori's definition of love"?<P>Please?<BR>

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YAHOO Lori is back with a vengence! Glad that the vacation was even more than you expected.<BR>Sounds like we are journeying down the same path to realizing just who we are and what love truly is. It is not always an easy one, but the rewards are great...and the sense of peace that comes over your soul is remakable.<BR>Congratulations! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Lori<BR>You know how happy I am for you. And how proud.<BR>Meltdowns happen. They are okay and you have to allow yourself to grieve. There are a lot of things there to address..in time.<BR>Robert is there to help you.<P>I think you have been blessed with access to those "magic eyes" that we were taking about from Smedes' book. You can separate the man from the act. You are starting to separate you from the act as well. Congratualations!!!<P>I smiled when I read the part about Robert feeling as though he had never left. I can just see your reaction. I'm so glad that you can see the good part of that. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>My H told me the other day that to him it feels like 100 years ago. Whoa! My jaw dropped. But just like you, I can see this is a good thing.<P>Keep it up my friend. Don't let the meltdowns get you down...call a friend. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>You know it is okay to grieve. Look what happens when the sun comes up. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Lori...<BR>Great post...I love your thoughts and ramblings!!! Glad to hear all is well...more than well-terrific...with you & Robert.<P>Hugs--<BR>Kathi

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Lori,<P>I am truly so happy for you. It especially touched me that you don't define yourself as "the betrayed" anymore. I see this as real, honest progress. <P>So happy you have your life again - and so much peace.

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I'm so happy for you guys! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

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Lori,<BR>I always look for your posts because they are always filled with humor and wisdom!<P>I am so happy for you. I truly believe that we are meant to go through these experiences in order to learn and grow. Our souls must learn to react to tragedy with love and forgiveness. You have done quite well on this front!<P>Just to let you know, we are doing very well, too. I don't post much anymore here because I'm not needing to. As you say, I'm not thinking of myself as a betrayed spouse but a strong, kind, intelligent woman who happens to be married to a very good man.<P>Keep us posted!<BR>Laurie

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WOW.<P>Oh, Lori, I am so glad that you posted. You put into words where my h. and I are now, too.<P>Last night in counseling, we realized that we don't need to talk about the affair anymore. As you pointed out so well, I WAS the betrayed, he WAS the wayward...and that is over, history.<P>This week he is out of town on business, and I will miss him, but I have not felt the paralyzing fear that used to come up when he was out of my sight.<P>Thanks so much for posting,<P>lizzie/POGP/alias<P>

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Lori,<P>Wonderful news about your time away.<P>Your posts are always so interesting and helpful, gives us hope and strength just reading them.<P>Please do post a thread labeled "Lori's Definition of Love", it too can be placed in Jim's Notables.<P>Very best to you, Robert and Kristen.<P>God Bless.<BR>Jo

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Lori,<P>Wonderful news about your time away.<P>Your posts are always so interesting and helpful, gives us hope and strength just reading them.<P>Please do post a thread labeled "Lori's Definition of Love", it too can be placed in Jim's Notables.<P>Very best to you, Robert and Kristen.<P>God Bless.<BR>Jo

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Great Post . . .I'm still teary-eyed. Your stories always give me hope, that I can be a better person. You also make me put on the reality glasses, that not everything is going to be perfect all of the time - we're all just a little more aware, I guess, after all this mess. Thanks for posting your update - I know it made my day!

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Lori,<P>Thanks for another inspirational post. I think since our names are so similar maybe I can be like you when I grow up.<BR>Lora

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lostva Offline OP
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Hi, guys! Well, Robert is showering and I have a few minutes to reply. Glad you guys could muddle through all those words and get what I was trying to say!! <P>Marie - thanks so much. You know, I've THOUGHT about changing my name a few times these last few months...actually, even b/f Robert came home.... but I'm so addled I kept getting confused when my other friends changed theirs, I probably wouldn't be able to keep up with MYSELF!! There's more of me to find....still having problems with this stay-at-home stuff, but I'm adapting and making some plans. We'll see. <P>Bro - I don't have to be around OR be told!! You know how my sixth sense is!!! LOL [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>TS - you made me laugh!! I can't believe someone said they don't mind if a post is long. Where is New Beginning when you guys need her to keep me in line? I'm working on it...another one of those emotion things..trying to find the words is hard. Maybe I will...heck, I'm still working on ANOTHER thing that Wassi and I talked about (no, Wassi, I didn't forget!). Thanks a lot.<P>Hi, Vicki! I know I owe you an e-mail. I've been trying to catch up, really I have, since I got home, but it's gonna take a while! I KNOW you're heading in the right direction though! I'll write soon, I promise. Thanks!<P>Dear Wassi....Thinking about you. In fact, you're right, I was thinking about you when I realized what that comment Robert made really meant! I've found my newfound resolve waivers just a tiny bit here and there, but not much! And it sure feels better than the other! You're right (as usual), sometimes I think I need to learn to "let go". Talk to you soon.<P>Kam...thank you. Now you see why I don't post so much. As wordy as I get with these "ramblings", Steve would probably have to sub-divide the forum again! Glad you enjoyed it, though.<P>DI - You know, you're right. It IS progress. Sometimes I think it's hard to see just how far we've come. I found a few old, OLD posts not long ago and couldn't believe it was the same woman!! <P>Lor - [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Who'd have thunk it, huh?<P>Yayy, Laurie - another role model! Isn't it just the best feeling when that "mask" just starts to fall away? Glad to hear that you guys are doing well.<P>Lizzie - that was my very first indication that I was really healing, you know? When I sent him off to work (knowing PT is there each day) and didn't even think about it! Amazes me sometimes. I never think about her being there anymore! I don't worry so much when he's late or out. Feels so much better. Glad you guys are doing well, too. Really, glad.<P>Jo - thanks for the good wishes and for wading through this muck. I've been keeping up with your saga, though I don't post a whole lot. You are definitely one strong person!!!! <P>SKM - Those rose colored glasses get us every time!! I'm a really bad one for that! But, you know, I think, when all's said and done, reality's a bit better!! Thanks.<P>Lora - you don't want to be me, Honey! I even drive myself crazy sometimes!! Glad you're here.<P>Talk to you guys later.<P>Love,<P>Lori

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Hey Pal,<BR> Finally got to read this! Sounds better on paper. Glad about the part of YOU you found.. We all saw it and now you do too! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> I know you know, that I know, that you know how happy I am for you guys. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Tell Robert I owe him a beer for the ring thing. THAT was so AWESOME!! That Robert is quite a man I respect him so much for his commitment in taking care of my friend and his BEST friend! Love & Prayers to you Robert & Kristin.... FRANK

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lostva: <B><BR>Later that night I was lying in bed and a demon of my own popped in....."like I never left". I felt myself falling into the "betrayed trap". Wish I could feel like he never left, how can he just forget it so easily, blah, blah, blah. The the light came on....how wonderful! What a wonderful thing to say and I needed to recognize it as such.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lori: This part of your post says it ALL for me. Actually, I could probably pare it down to the final sentence, "What a wonderful thing to say and I needed to RECOGNIZE it as such...". YES, YES, YES! That's IT!<P>I remember...long ago for me...hearing my H say, "You know, I never even think about her (OW) anymore." And, at first, I was mortified...I thought, "Great. He gets to FEEL better first too???--while I'm still in such pain????--How fair is that???".<P>But, like you, I was ABLE to see the GOOD in his words...in the GIFT of what he was saying. And, then I was mortified that my thoughts had ALMOST gotten the better of me...that I had ALMOST allowed my TAKER to snuff out this precious *gift*. I had almost allowed my mind to turn a GOOD THING into a bad thought....<P>Thank you for reminding us that we need to keep an open mind, to give credit where credit is due, and to learn to accept the *gifts* that are put before us.<P>Peace, ~Marie <p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited August 17, 2000).]

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