I have not been at this site for over a year. It just got to be more depressing than helpful. It became apparent that most of us were desperate for something that just wasn't going to happen. The ones who had some degree of recovery (which I was happy for them for) were just dangling a carrot of false hope, that just became too disappointing because I knew deep down I would never get there. <P>Well, here I am still at the same place in my life. It's like time has stood still. My husband does not file for divorce. I don't know why not. I guess if he gets no pressure from OW he has no reason to. So far I don't put much pressure on him either. He gives less and less indication of any interest in me and more and more interest in our kids. This worries me because I wonder if he is working up to taking them from me. I have seen an attorney (finally) and had a divorce agreement drawn up. I have not presented it to him yet. I am afraid of what his reaction will be, although I have nothing to really base this fear on, except this whole circumstance makes me suspect of anything and everything about him. <P>But my reason for writing again is to ask how do you let go? I am emotionally at the same place I was two and a half years ago. I still cry alot -- seems like over any contact with him, which is frequent because of the kids (2 girls, ages 12 and 9). I still obsess over wanting to know things about him and what he is doing, or where he's been. I don't physically go out and try to find out things or spy any more, but I can't seem to keep myself from asking the girls questions, which is driving them away from me. They don't like my asking things and don't want to tell me anything. <P>I frequently think that the only way out of all this would be death. I don't think I consider this seriously, but it's what I feel anyway. It's hard to discuss this with anyone because I don't want someone to get really scared for me, or to think that I am just wanting attention. But it just seems the best way to relay how deep my despair is. After this long, most people have gone on with their lives and I don't think anyone can understand why I am still in the place that I am. I have been to counseling and that has done nothing but eat up my bank account. I understand and agree that some part of me thrives on this self pity (I guess that's all it is). But I don't seem to be able to turn it off. I think I don't want to get on with my life, because I don't want to accept what that life will be or what it will mean. I see the choices in front of me and none of them has any appeal.<P>Another thing that it seems no one can understand and so in a way I am almost ashamed to discuss with anyone is that, yes, I still want him back and probably if he offered I would take him up on it. I know that what I really want back is the dream of what I thought we were, and that' not really what I would get. But I just can't say that I would ever turn him away.<P>How do I detach myself from this mess I have myself in and just go on?

hi lettinggo,<P>Just wanted to tell you how much you touched me with your post. I wish I had the answers for you. <P>I don't understand why your H has not initiated divorce after all of this time. Do you get it? Are you still meeting ANY of your H's needs, or is OW having to meet them all. Just seems to me like he would have filed himself by now if everything was all that peachy in his new life.<P>You've probably read all the books, get a hobby, date someone, go to church, blah, blah, blah in order to get on with your life, but how can you when you're married to a man living another life? Maybe, just maybe, the divorce will be the thing that will kick you out of this. Are you afraid to file? Do you think he's just waiting for you to do it, or do you think he doesn't want a divorce?<P>Sorry, lot of questions. Just seems like you've been in limbo for a helluva long time. <BR>I quiz my kids too, and they hate it. I am trying really hard to stop it. I always feel badly after I ask them about their dad.<P>Keep posting, maybe we can help you.<P>allison

Hi Lettingo<P>I will probably not be of much help to you tonight b/c I am in a quandry right now myself and as a matter of fact, my dilemma is quite the same.<P>I was just wondering myself how I could let go of this man in my life for 31 + years b/c he wreaks havoc in my life.<P>I keep allowing him to walk all over me and I'm tired of it, so tired.<P>We go back and forth all the time,we are so co-dependent, and neither of us will sever the ties and become separate. He tries too but does it all wrong, me I just cling on.<P>I wish I had the courage to leave here tomorrow and never look back. Sometimes I think that would be the best thing I could do for myself and my children.<P>This relationship stinks, I know it and he knows it and we just keep bying time and for what I don't know.<P>Any night owls out there that want to jump in here please do so. I have lots more to vent.<P>Cathy

az<P>No, I don't get any of this. Never have. And I guess No, I don't meet any of his needs any more -- no opportunity, the doors are closed, he doesn't want me to, he won't let me, he doesn't need me to. I don't look at it as she has to meet his needs - she gets to meet them.<P>I started attending church about a year ago. It helps some and sometimes it adds confusion. But it does take up space - both time and emotion. I think meeting someone would help a whole heck of a lot, but I'm not interested in looking for someone. And when you look at what's close at hand, there's not much out there!!!<P>Yes, I guess I am afraid to file. I'm not totally sure why. Maybe I don't want to be the one who officially ends it. I'm afraid he will fight it, although another part of me thinks he won't. Sometimes I think he is just waiting for me to do it, like you said. But also, as it is, he's not been asked for any financial consideration to speak of. I think he may be afraid of that. As far as maybe he doesn't want a divorce, I think he doesn't need one. He's probably where he wants to be. Maybe he likes having her like it is, and as long he is married to me he has an excuse not to marry her. (Why she would put up with that I don't understand either.)<P>I do feel bad for asking my kids things. I also see myself transferring some of my irritation with him to them, which I hate myself for. They sure don't deserve any of this. He seems to hide his other life from them. They just seem to resent me for being upset all the time. I think they will be relieved at a divorce. Maybe it will be the thing that does it for me. I just have never felt like it would. Someone said it "give closure". I don't think so. I just see it as a formality. I don't see how it can change my feelings. But maybe -- hopefully -- it will.<P>Thanks for your comments. I read a post under "Prayer Request" from Lone Night. Sounds much the same. I don't know what to say to him either. I guess it just comes down to there is nothing anyone else can say or do. No such thing as kiss the tears away anymore!

hi lettinggo<P>I just had to reply to you after reading your post.<P>It sadens me to read that you feel that the only way out would be DEATH. I, in my career see that side of life alot. Believe me that decision is the final end. Think of those you leave behind and how much love they have for you. You have wonderful children and as children they see their parent as doing no wrong. How would you have felt if one of your parents thought the only way to solve a problem would be that. I am presuming that that never happened to you. Have you still got your parents in your life. They are the greatest source of understanding and love you could ever recieve.<P>After I read your post I thought of your nick you used. Is that one of your subconscious goals? To move out of this black hole you feel you are in. Try and make the smallest of goals you could achieve each day.When you have achieved those move onto a higher goal. Before long you may believe in your self enough to choose those goals you feel you could never achieve. You are the greatest person in your life. Give yourself a HUG. The greatest revenge to your H would be to show that you are your own person and have the courage to do what is that makes you feel happy about yourself. You can never make anyone in your life happy if you are not happy. Take some time out for yourself. Have your H take care of the children and plan a few days on what would make you happy. You would know what that is. You did have a life before your H came into your life. Have you a passion for something you have put off all these years and would just love to do that again. Go on do it for yourself.<P>No one can tell you how long you have to be where you are. Whats time anyway! Its a way of showing us which day it is. If you feel two and half years seems like all this happened yesterday then it did. <P>The courage to change comes from within and guidance from the devine source whatever you believe in. First and foremost believe in yourself.<P>I have not the answers for you. The answers come from you and what you want out of life. The choice is yours on where you want to go from here. Gather all your strength and go for it.<P>I should not bring this up but what the hell I will. If you were told you were told you and one year to live how much motivation would you find to do those things you want to do for yourself before the end. Your life could be bloody worse than it is. Self pity can be the biggest soul destroying feeling one can have.<P>Sorry for going on and on, this is just too long for me.<P>You can try what I have done! Go find a tree, away from everyone and shout until you are blue in face or until it wilts. <P>This is the only life we have here go out and enjoy it <P>Hugs for you, you need it.<P>T

Hi lettinggo<BR>I am still vey new to all this,my H only left 3& ha;f wks ago for OW,we've been married 11mths today.<BR>I too am finding it very hard to just "get a life" I know H feels pressured by me being independant on him so much and I too still find myself spying on his emails etc and steaming open all his post !<BR>I think its easier for a man to move on,as its not seen as a problem for them to go out alone.Also if all this has been forced on you like me,i don't want to get a life-i only want a life with him.he even called me sad a couple of weeks ago,cause after 1 week of him being gone i was "still" going on about it ! he expects me to just move on so quickly,as we've not been married for a year yet he can't file for divorce,he's said if i don't he'll make up cgs and i can't afford to fight.Part of me wonders if when he comes round and is nice is cause he's biding his time,guess i'll have to wait a month to find out.<BR>I don't know how to help you,I still feel like suicide is the way out sometimes,we don't have kids,i think if we did he wouldn't have left.<BR>I do understand how you feel,i am 28 and suddenly have to change me whole life and future plans,and i don't want to do any of it.i am trying to force myself to go out,but my friends are reluctant as all i talk about is him,and they are fed up.I can't bring myself not to be in when he calls,i know i should but even when we were together i felt like every minute was precious and wanted to spend it all with him,funny really,looking back maybe i had some 6th sense he would eventually leave and i was trying to make the most of it,which ulitmately caused the problem !