Hey everybody.. <P>(This is hard...my wife also posts here and I am trying not to LB by posting Q's that involve her, but I need some opinions/faith boosting)<P>I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. How does one know when it is time to throw in the towel? I am not ready for that yet, but every day it gets harder to keep my hopes up. I have only been in this for a few months, and I know a lot of you have been here for years. So I am hoping you can impart some wisdom....<P>I guess my biggest, most immediate problem is that I am getting frustrated. I have been willing to try and work out the problems with my wife since 4 months before I confirmed the affair. It has been 3 months since discovery. We were so close in our relationship that I almost immediately noticed subtle changes. I tried to go to counseling but she wouldn't go. I wish I had found this site sooner, the signs are obvious now. I feel frustrated because she says she wants to work our problems out, but nothing seems to happen fast enough for me. She is still in daily contact with the OM through her email/phone at work, and phone at her appartment. I need to SEE some sign that we are going to work on our marriage and so far all I have are words. In a way, it might be easier if we hated each other, but we don't. I still love her and she says she still loves me....but she loves OM too.<P>I have healed to the point where I already know that no matter what, I am going to be ok. It took counseling to make me realize that, and I continue to go to the counselor, pretty much weekly. I guess my question is, at what point do you just cut your emotional losses and go?<P>We have no children or large assets. My W says she doesn't want anything, and will sign the papers if I choose to divorce. I can pretty much walk off without much harm. With adultery, I can legally divorce her next month if I chose to. This MIGHT be easier for a lot of reasons. I could start fresh with someone that hasn't done this to me/us. I wouldn't have to deal with wondering did they do it, does she still want him, does she picture him when we are together, can I trust her again, etc. <P>I still do not want to divorce her, I still have all the love for her that I always have. AND, I want HER to file IF that is where we end up...BUT (There's always a but) I think my biggest problem right now is NOBODY is meeting my emotional needs. I continue to Plan A for the most part, and she also has her OM thing. So she is getting a lot of her ENs filled. But I am in turmoil, I long for companionship, I haven't made love in months, I am lonely, and have no one to talk to. I have had several oportunities for dates, but have pretty much ignored them, wanting my marriage to work out. But it gets harder to ignore these opportunities as time passes. I am starting to not know if I am interested in them because THEY are interested in me, or if I just want to feel love/whatever physically from ANYBODY willing to give it, or what? I am starting to think I might do something stupid, and then I would hate myself for ruining a chance to repair my marriage.<P>I am rambling....but I needed to vent some. I love my wife more than anything, and she knows it. We were not just H & W, we were best friends. I don't have my best friend to lean on anymore. <P>In our case, the OM is over 1,000 miles away. I feel like she cares more about hurting him than me, otherwise she would end this thing and start our recovery. I am tired of not being 1st in her heart.<P>I hope you understood what I was trying to say...its hard to express exactly what I am trying to say. I am so tired of being alone.<P>SS4N

I can tell you what *I* would do, but this doesn't necessarily mean that it would work for you...<P>Since the OM is 1000 miles away and it's only been 3 months, I think you are in an excellent position to turn this thing around. Keep Plan A-ing and commit to a future of happiness with your wife. If you believe it and live it, it will show in all you do and say. That is a powerful way to overcome her ambivalence. She must have doubts about your lives and love or else she wouldn't need this guy at all. Show her that you are there through thick and thin and that you can meet the same ENs she turned to the OM for.<P>(My STBX is realizing now that he has always been able to trust me and is confiding in me again. After all we've been through, he still finds comfort in me. Your W can too.)<P>If you're still asking, "when is enough enough?" it's not been enough. At least that was how it worked with me. I had doubts. I wavered, but when it came time to walk away, it was a clean mental break. There is no wavering, no doubt. It is done, never to be undone. I am happy with my decision and do not ever want to go back. When you give everything, there is nothing left to give. I think that is when it is done. When you have nothing left to offer. The LB is empty and you're sitting there with your empty pockets turned inside out. Now, I realize some people aren't willing to go this far. They want to retain something of themselves, but this was how it was for me. And now I have peace.<P>Work through the frustration by telling yourself that it is normal and necessary to get you where you are going. It is a teaching tool. Make it a formal lesson if it makes things easier. Assess what you did each day, what you could have done better, what you learned. Gain something from each success or failure to propel you forward.<P>I think you have a lot of love left and a lot of fight in you. Use it to your advantage and rebuild your marriage. It's not easy to find a best friend. They are worth fighting for. <P>Good luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>(This is hard...my wife also posts here and I am trying not to LB by posting Q's that involve her, but I need some opinions/faith boosting)</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I can see now that both of us reading/posting here might not be such a good idea. I believe that MB has helped us both immensely, but from what I have seen, we are falling into a familiar trap - one that started way back. By posting here, aren't we in fact turning to people other than each other, which, in my opinion, is a big LB?<BR>I know that we can both benefit from being here, but I know it can also very easily turn into a he said/she said thing. I don't want that to happen.<P>Believe me everyone, I'm not upset that my H posts here, because I know from experience that it is therapeutic to get your thoughts out - especially to others who completely understand what you are going through. I have gained a lot of insight recently from what I have read. I have new understanding about what I am putting my H through, and at the same time I have found "comfort" in knowing I am not alone - that other "normal" people have also found themselves in this kind of mess.<P>It's just hard when H sends me an email message just yesterday saying he's "still loving and waiting"... and then I come to work and read a post on here where he says he's wondering when to say when. <P>I think, for both of us, that I will be better off if I discover my H's thoughts from HIM. Will he be completely honest on here, knowing I'm reading it? I'll tell you that it hurts to know he may be MORE honest on here, because some of the things he has posted are things he's never said to me. <P>I will probably still lurk, but I can't let this consume me as it has lately. I have become a stronger person, partly because of the strength I have found here. Maybe now it's time for my H to have that opportunity.<P>I hope, while we continue to work on our marriage, that we will learn to turn to each other to express our thoughts, feelings and fears, instead of just writing in on this message board.<P>Maybe, knowing that I would read his post, this WAS his way of expressing himself to me???<P>Sad, hurting and lost_in_love<P><p>[This message has been edited by lost_in_love (edited August 18, 2000).]