Hi Everybody:<P>Something happened this week to put all this into perspective. My son, who is married, experience some health problems, and suddenly any problems in my marriage seemed insignificant in comparison.<P>After my son's problems were resolved, I looked back at my H and his reactions during this time and wondered "what is wrong with him." He was totally unconcerned...all he could think about was OW and her problems.<P>I guess I considered that it was alright for him to ignore me and treat me like I didn't exist a lot of the time, but I never expected it to extend to his own children.<P>Suddenly it was if a fog had lifted in my own head and I saw this person for what he really is now...a man who has basically turned his back on all of us to get his own selfish needs meet. And no I do not see any circumstances that could ever put me in this position...I would never have done this to him or my family.<P>So in a heartbeat my feelings changed...I no longer care if my H comes back or not...he is not the person I fell in love with and I'm not sure he ever will be again.<BR> <BR>So for now I am going to totally back off from this and begin to put my life back together...the life that he has taken apart.<P>I afraid he has already started his downward spriral into distruction. 2 other times he has done this and come crawling back when he got sick. His health is already beginning to suffer...but I can't do anything about that...this is his choice...and this time he must take the consequences.<P>OW flew back to her husband today and I have no idea what he will be doing....I only know that he is not my problem anymore...he is his own problem.<P>Pray for me. This will be so hard when he begins to suffer...but I have had all I can take.<P>Buffy

buffy,<P>I'm not sure where you are in "plans"...<P>It may be time to consider drafting a Plan B letter...<BR>...and "thinking" through some of your options.<P>It sounds like you're still in Plan A...<BR>...and I'd say... try and stay there a while longer....<P>...but Plan B may be where you need to move to soon.<P>Check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P>Jim

When it came time for me to decide, I mean really decide, it happened in a flash of insight and was irrevocable. No more indecision. No "what ifs". No regrets.<P>I was willing to keep trying for the man I thought I loved and married, but once she showed, in no uncertain terms, that he cared more about his own petty sh** than what I thought really mattered in life, and once he showed that he was NOT going to change, it all became easy. A no-brainer.<P>I can handle the conflicts, the fights, the family troubles, health problems, career scares, financial difficulties or whatever else life throws at me, but I need to know that my HUSBAND has enough love for me that it will shine though when those problems confront us together. He did not. And so he is gone. Why give so much and get so little in return?<P>I applaud you Buffy, and wish you luck.

Hi Buffy,<P>How are you doing?<P>I guess their lack of caring when really needed can bring us to a hurtful realization.<P>Knowing that they really aren't there when their needed by their family of 20+ years can hurt unbelievably.<P>I struggle with this everyday, I try and rationalize why my H was so abusive and uncaring when I needed him most, during cancer, he was not the person I knew, he was so involved with himself that he didn't see what I was going thru. Instead he piled blame and meaness on me. He was so self absorbed he was not affording me the same concern and help he'd offer a perfect stranger. It was like I was waiting for him to wake up, but because OW told him Cervical Cancer is no big deal, he let me struggle on my own. What a nightmare that was. I was sure I was in hell.<P>You'd think after that I would just walk away now. I don't know why I haven't. My friends and family tell me they can never forgive him for how he treated me, they were there and helped when he refused. <P>I don't know Buffy. I see you as a strong woman yet loving and soft at the same time. This recent thing with your Son and your H being indifferent must have torn you apart. I can't imagine what your Son must think, I'm sorry for your H because it's inevitable he will face his deeds at some point. And he won't be able to believe how he had acted.<P>Buffy, I'm wondering, before this was your H an overt caring man? I ask this because some men have a problem with illness or a crisis. And then there are some men that fear illness so much they react in this manner. A friend's H is this way.<P>I'm glad to know your Son is okay. And although I know you have come to a place where you feel you don't care anymore, I know you still hurt, and I'm sorry for that. <P>I hope that what they say is true, that time can heal a broken heart. I know you and I are banking on it. <P>Your Friend,<BR>Jo

Buffy,<BR> I really hate to hear that things are going this way for you. On the other hand, you sound very strong, and I pray that you are able to remain strong when H puts the pressure on you. You are doing the right thing for you, just worrying about yourself. Put your life back together, and keep up your determination to let him worry about his own. It's your time now! Good luck to you.

Hi Everybody:<P>Thank you for your replies to what basically was a MB meltdown. I've been busy and haven't had time to get back with you until now. <P>Jim - I have been Plan A'ing since April with some success from my point of view...at least I have been able to be around him without LBing too much...the problem is I don't think this is a fog situation...I think he is afraid he doesn't have many years left to live because of his bad health and wants to indulge himself for a while<BR>(the expense of my emotional health). Call it a MLC...maybe it is...but it doesn't matter...the effect is the same. Some people can't deal with life...so they run from it...these are the same people who blame others for their mistakes...my H is one of these. But I'm tried of being along for the ride and want off.<P>Being essentially a patient person I decided to step back from this and see what happens without me in the picture. Not an active Plan B because I don't think this would work in our situation. But if Plan B is the thing to do to preserve myself I will.<P>Popeye -- Yes, I understand, your thoughts are my thoughts...I have often seen parallels between your H and mine. My SIL (by the way all his relative think he's crazy and have said if they have to choose between us they will choose me...isn't that sad) divorced her husband 15 years ago after being emotionally abused by him for 10 years. She too tried for any years and one day she just stopped and said "No More." Nothing he could say or do from that point made any difference....including getting religion...she left and never looked back. She told me that I would reach that point and that would be it... and she would never blame me. <P>Yes, there are times when you have to put aside your personal interests and be there for the people in your live. If it was a test, he failed big time. But he's failed before, I just overlooked it.<P>Resilent - Yes, some people really can't deal with their emotions...they don't really know how to relate to others on an emotional level...they're stuck on the surface level...their advise is shallow, based on their own needs...they don't really want to deal with anything but themselves and their reactions to what's happening. <P>I have seen this over and over again with my H...seen him fail to offer sympathy and support when it was badly needed...or to do the alternative and jump on the bandwagon and add additional criticism...anything but dealing with the other person's need for support. Sort of an inability to deal with deep emotions.<P>My children recognized this a long time ago and have never tried to defend him...they have no expectations of him...so they are never disappointed. Such a shame he will miss knowing two such wonderful people.<P>KTGirl -- Yes, I'm strong and I'll be alright...Life's trials and tribulations serve to build our character and God must think I'm worth it to spend so much time in perfecting me.<P>I'll be here and probably will continue to Plan A my H because that's the way I am. But I will expect to only return to this marraige when my H has realized what a mistake he made and makes a sincere effort to undue it. <P>Thanks again for all your help.<P>Buffy<BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited August 20, 2000).]