I have been married two years and in this time our marriage has been through several tornado's. We had a baby after a year of being married and then my husband fell and was out of work for 6 months. I was forced back to work by circumstance for a few months then decided to stay at home and work. When that arrangement fell through, I was forced to accept another job. I don't want to work and I blame my husband that I have to. I know it's not fair but I'm very angry and have been treated for depression when we went through this stuff the first time. We almost got a divorce but love prevailed. Now, I'm going through all the emotions of anger and depression again. I blame him because a quarter of his check is garnished for past child support that he told me was caught up when I married him.<BR>What a joke that was! Our sex life is less than I need. We have very little. He has some problems in that area and it's just not meeting my needs. He didn't tell me anything good about myself to boost my esteem after the baby until I told him that this was becoming a problem with our marriage. Now he tells me way too often as if it was a joke only he says he's serious. I know he loves me and I really do love him but we've had hard times. A good friend of ours,whom we interact with as he is a friend of all our friends, is single and very flirtatious. I have had a secret crush for a long time but nothing serious. Then I got drunk and needed a ride home. My hubby had to work and told me NOT to wake him under any circumstance. So I called our friend and he drove an hour to come get me and another hour to take me home and another half hour for him to get home. On the way he put a move on me and I responded. I was very intoxicated and we made a pact not to let that night interfere with friendships and all was secret. We did not have intercourse! We kissed and made out but that was all. I know my husband will leave me over this if he finds out. His parents divorced because of infidelity. I don't know what to do about telling him. I can't swear this would NEVER happen again, but I don't intend for it too. Please help me....please!

Please, Please, don't let it happen again. I would hate to see you suffer the pain and misery of guilt that you WILL suffer.<P>It is absolutely not worth it... Trust me. Please don't be a victim of your own poor choices. <P>Talk to your husband, try to get him understand and to meet your needs. Read all of the information on this site, it will help you establish a better relationship with your husband. Communicate, share, build trust, it is very hard work. If you want a healthy relationship and if you want to be treated with dignity and respect for many years...DON'T DO IT AGAIN. <P>Can't you see what just this one time with your mutual friend has created for you, believe me, it will only get worse for you and those you love.<P>We all will pray for you to find the answers you need and ask for the Lord's guidance.<P>Thinking of you and praying for you.<P>Cathy

Hello Confused,<P> First advice: Do not go out and get drunk... especially if your H isn't there to bring you home. You are the mother of a very new life. You must be responsible. You must not drink to deal with your unhappiness. <P> Next, absolutely *no* contact with the other man. You are begging for trouble on that front.<P> For now, sit on your episode with OM. If you are absolutely certain that your H would leave you if he knew, don't tell him. It was only a kiss, and it is still wrong, but you didn't have sex with OM. Keep it to yourself.<P> Now, you need to work on you. It sounds to me that you probably need to continue with treatment for depression and anger. You said that you were once already, in less than 2 years (?). Hon, it takes much longer than that to deal with such strong feelings. Go back to a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, whichever it is that you need. Consider antidepressants.<P> You stated that you blamed your h for having to work... well, that is the way it is. We all have to do things, sometimes, that we don't like. Things don't always go as planned. Don't blame your h for his fall. That cannot be helped. <P> Lastly, go to the articles about emotional needs, love-busters, and Plan A on this site. Read them. Print them out. You have a family. You have a child that needs to have it's parents in sync. Your child's needs should come before your's.<P> You married your husband because you loved him at some point. Just because things aren't going as planned, is not a good reason to behave irresponsibly and risk everything you *do* have. <P> I hope I didn't sound too brisk... but I hate to see people give up everything, because they are being selfish. This is not a flame. It is a wake-up call. Think about this for a while. Also consider this... would life be better if you completely throw away your marriage? <P> Picture it: fighting over custody and child support, trying to find someone who wouldn't mind the extra "baggage" (child, and believe me, there *are* ppl who think this way), wondering who is going to pay for the car repairs (or rent, groceries, necessities, etc.), wondering how you are going to work and afford day-care.... Do you see what I am getting at? It is *not* an easy life, being a single parent. I *know*, I am one.<P> Please, consider the consequenses of your actions. It is time for you to look at yourself, and decide if you like what you see. If you work on *you*, your husband would most likely respond in a good way (including the *ahem* ways that you feel are lacking).<P>Sincerely,<BR>~~Mynabird

I can understand your confusion and distress. Don't worry. It's a lot of normal newlywed stuff that is not the end of the world. I know it seems like it, but you will get through this okay. <P>Try not to blame your husband for your having to work. Maybe this was not the life you planned, but this is the life you have. It's better to deal with it, mutually supporting each other, than to sit there and dwell in resentment. I had more than my share of that, and I can tell you, it just breeds more until you learn to let it go. It's not a pretty thing. It's much better to deal with your problems then to sit there and let it build and get to you. It WILL come out eventually, and often in destructive ways. So, the first thing I'd do is learn to forgive and let go. He didn't fall on purpose. Some day you may need him to be there for you. Wouldn't you want him to do it happily and out of love than with a chip on his shoulder?<P>I think a counselor could help with a lot of the other issues. A lot of these things fall back to communication. Why did he lie to you about the child support? Why are you keeping a secret from him? What can you both do about the sex issues so that you are both happy and not threatened? There is probably a great deal of fear there. Fear that you won't get the answer you like. It's better to know what you are up against and be able to combat it than to avoid it and always have it hanging over your head. Maybe it is not the big monster you imagine? Maybe there is a quick and painless solution? It really helps to get help from a GOOD unbiased professional. <P>Focus on things that make you feel good about yourself, your talents, your job. When we have so much negativity weighing on us, it is often hard to see our blessings. They *are* there and can bring you immeasurable comfort if you just realize they are there. I am sure you and your H have a lot of wonderful times too.<P>This is normal young marriage type stuff. You will get through this. Hang in there!