Hi everyone,<P>Below is a letter I wrote to my H. I haven't given it to him yet. I would like to get some feedback from you kind folks first. Your ideas and suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! (Sorry - it's a little long)<P><BR>Dear H:<P>This letter is to let you know how sorry I am. The past couple of weeks, I have had a lot of time to think (it seems like a lifetime). I’ve thought back on how our life has been and I can see how you reached the point of wanting out. <P>It didn’t come to me all at once. At first, I was hurt and bewildered – not understanding how you could treat me this way. But, God has been working diligently in my heart and in my mind. As the days went by, He began to show me just how poorly I’ve treated you. I think back on times that I was mean to you, distant, cold, sarcastic – things you had been telling me all along and I wasn’t listening – and it hurts to know how much my own behavior caused our separation. Why I didn’t heed your requests for moral support, affection, kind words and understanding I’m still not sure. I think I was being selfish – trying to go about having my own needs fulfilled in all the wrong ways while ignoring yours. I’m so sorry – I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts to know what I’ve done to you. I was stubborn and self-serving and it took the shock of losing you to realize how wrong I’ve been. I believe God allowed this to happen because He was unhappy with my attitude and my behavior – He wanted me to change. He needed to get my attention. He has it now, but the cost is great.<P>I have dishonored you and disrespected you at almost every turn and the regret I have for that runs deep. Please know that even though you want out of our marriage, I will always love you with all my heart. It will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face to see you go. My heart aches so much I can hardly bear it sometimes. I miss you so much.<P>You have a good and kind and gentle spirit, H, and I have trampled it into the ground. I’m so sorry! I’ve always known what a great guy you are and I have felt so lucky that you were my husband. I think about the man I fell in love with and married and the part I played in driving down his spirit and I just want to kick myself in the butt -- hard. I only wish I hadn’t been so selfish, and I would have treated you like the great guy you are. I’ve been such a fool. <P>I’m also sorry for talking to people about it. I do know that so many people care about you, and I don’t want this to be a wound that won’t heal. I have stopped talking to everyone except for those that are close to me – my mom and a couple close friends. I still need some support and love through this – I can’t do it on my own. But even when I do talk to them, I have told them what I have told you in this letter – I am accountable for much of what has happened and I’m taking responsibility for it. I have told them what a horrible person I’ve been to you.<P>I’m also sorry for coming out to (home state). Again, I wasn’t listening – I was thinking of myself. I was hoping for some quality time with you, not fully understanding that you did not want it. I won’t disrespect your wishes like that again.<P>I don’t want you to hate me – that would be more than I could bear. I want you to know that you can feel “safe” around me – I have no unkind words for you, I want no conflict or confrontation with you.<P>I hope and pray that you can forgive me. I love you, (H). I will always love you. You say you don’t believe it and I can understand why you feel that way – I haven’t been very loving or lovable. I’m sorry. I wish only good things for you – you deserve to be happy.<P>All my love,<BR>KristyAnn<P><p>[This message has been edited by KristyAnn (edited August 20, 2000).]

What a sweet letter-full of loving spirit and forgiveness. You have set an example for all of us what forgiveness and humility should be. I am glad that you have shared this with us.

KristyAnn - I could have written a large part of your letter. I understand completely how you feel. My husband and I are not seperated but are trying to work on things. It is such a difficult road. <BR>Just be aware that he might not be ready for what you are saying yet. It has been 4 months and my husband is still resentful and having a hard time forgiving me for past behaviors. Everyone here counsels patience and even though it is the hardest thing in the world they are right. <BR>Your letter is beautiful. I wouldn't change a word. I hope it helps and things begin to go your way. I'll be thinking about you <P><BR> Kris

Every word in your letter touched my heart because every word in there is what I want to say to my wife. Please give it to him. A letter like that will surely be cherished for a lifetime. I know I would...<P>Nick

KristyAnn,<P>Your letter is an example of what we should all strive for. I hope it will touch your husband's heart as it has those of us who read it here. I also hope that it helps him come to his senses soon. <P>I'm adding this part after thinking about your letter some more and reading a few of your other posts....you have the right mind set to recover from what you are going through but I hope you realise that while you are responsible for your actions (LB, etc) you are in no way responsible for his bad decision. Just because things weren't so great at home was no excuse to sleep with someone else. He has responsibility in this as well. Don't be beating him over the head with it but don't let him walk all over you either. Stand up for what you think will recover your marriage. <P>Jodi<p>[This message has been edited by JodiC (edited August 20, 2000).]

Hi KA!<P> The letter is beautiful. I think you did an excellent job. <P> Also, I ditto what JodiC stated above... don't get to the point that your spirit is broken. You have seen the error of your past behavior. It is his turn to note his. I'm not saying that you push him on that... just don't believe that you deserved to be betrayed... No one deserves that kind of pain.<P> Hugs and best wishes for you,<BR>~~Mynabird

Thank you all for your thoughtful consideration of the letter I wrote. I will give it to him the next time I see him (whenever that may be). I haven't heard from him in several days. He said he was going to call yesterday, but I haven't heard a word. This is so hard.<P>This morning I went to a community church that I had never attended before. The pastor preaching this morning was a guest pastor since the regular one is on sabbatical (sp?). His message was from Ephesians 4:17-24 regarding changing our hearts and our minds as we've been taught by Jesus. To throw off the old self and put on the new. How mighty is our God??!! To have brought me there on this day to hear exactly the words I needed to hear? I am in awe of Him! I felt as though he was speaking directly to me.<P>About taking the blame for his indiscretion, I don't. It was wrong and it will never be right, but I don't feel I can address that issue with my H at this point. I'm still praying for a tiny opening in his heart that will allow our marriage another chance. It will take some time and trust before we will be able to go *there*.<P>In God's Holy Love, KristyAnn

Kristy Ann,<P>WOW!! THat was a great letter. I only wish taht H would give me that same one. If he ever wrote out what I needed to hear that would be it.<P>Did your H have an affair?<P> I was the betrayer in my marriage. However, H didnt care. Ot I thought he didnt. He never showed it.<P>God Bless<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Hi kirsty Ann,<BR>I too have recently given my H a letter saying similar things,he left cause he was having an affair.You do say some lovely things,just thought i'd tell you what my councillor told me about what i wrote .<BR>He told me not to mention feeling of hurt caused by H,as this only leads to more guilt.Also not to say you miss then or love them,adds more pressure.Concentrate on understanding his feelings as to why he did what he did,also if he's blamed you,have you thought about this,and how are you trying to change ?<BR>If you can,tell him you don't blma ehim,and that you forgive him.Say you are committed but you respect his needs for space,and you understand how difficlut it has been for him to leave.<BR>Your H knows you love him,writing the letter shows this,if he left because he felt like he couldn't take it anymore then you might want to rewrite some bits to not add more pressure to him.What ever you do,you know him best,mine realised how much it took to write my letter and is currently trying to write a reply,good luck.

Good Plan A-ing! It takes responsibility for what you've done, says that you love him, yet does not condemn him or excuse him. I think it's good.