This is kind of an extension of my other post entitled “ Searching my heart… a hard decision.” I wasn't sure if I should start a new post, some of it may be redundant, and i apologize. I thought that I am expaining it better here. The things I am writing today came from those thoughts, realizations, and replies I have gotten from you and others. Please feel free to read it.<BR>When I first discovered the affair I told my H, probally out of hurt, that I hated him. His reply was that you don’t hate me, but what I did. Now I do believe that, the man just knows me too well. Yesterday, he says that he feels as if I am pulling away, and that I really do hate him. When I asked why, he said that I was acting differently and he is right. I am beginning to pull away because of my uncertainty. I would love to show him my past two posts but I am afraid that he may feel as if I’m giving up, or that I can’t move forward, not that I am trying to sort all this out and I just don’t know how. I don’t want to be bitter all my life with him. I’m so scared of losing him. I can’t undress in front of him or do anything personal or intimate. It’s almost as if he is a stranger to me now. Where is the man I married and trusted?<BR> Up until a week ago I was begging him to hold me, rub my back (for comfort only), and to show me all kinds of affection. Now I tense up and feel that if I tell him all this that he will stop or give up on me again.<BR>I understand that this is a process in that you realize that you are at a certain point and that you want to fight. Does anyone recall the moment they realized this? What were the signs that marked the turning point of feeling you want to fight for all this? Was it a feeling of relief or need to go on and try? Was a revelation? I hope I am not bringing back any bad memories for anyone or asking the impossible. If I am I do apologize. I just don’t know where else to turn to for information.<BR>

not giving up<P>When I read this I though peppermint (my W) had changed her name. Everything you have said my W has been through. Don't worry, it is a natural reaction. Get your H to come here and read, and post. Show him my reply and tell him I am a betrayer. Tell him it is ok to come here because we all need help. He needs to understand what he has done, what you are going through, you are not by yourself, and things can be better.<P>The one thing he will need to do it to be open and honest, something I didn't do. He will have to be honest with himself and understand that it was he that made the bad choice. He will have to fix himself to be able the help you fix your marriage. THAT is a given. I will be glad to tell him the mistakes that I have made during the past year. There are just to many to put down right now. I hope someway I can help.<P>fs