My story has taken a twist. I have been on this board since the fall of last year. My wife has been/still is involved in an EA (probably PA) with a stay at home dad across the street. He is in the process of a nasty divorce. <P>The last month has not been real good. She has been about as nasty and distant as you can be. We have talked about both divorce and seperation with her preference of going right to divorce. She says she does not have the fight in her left.<P>Yesterday she called to apologize for how she has been acting. She has been in someways putting the kids between us when I want to take them to go and do something. I thanked her for calling appreciated the thoughts.<P>I then asked her how she was doing and what her thought process was. She gave me the following thoughts.<P>1. We are two very differennt people which she does not see us getting together. I agreed with her and said we are two different people. Just like her mom and dad are and as mine are. But that was her opinion and I would not disagree with it. <P>2. She does not have the fight in her and is very unhappy. That she wants to move on with her life. Wants for us to be able to part as friends. I said I understood and expected that when she got back from her parents that she would file for divorce since she had talked about it before. <P>I also said that if she wanted the divorce she would have to tell the kids that she is the one that would like not to live with daddy anymore. I would support her in this discussion. But I stated that this is not something that I want and could not tell my kids that this is something I accept.<P>4. She said our kids (5 and 3) would be OK with divorce. I explained that was her thoughts but I have my own. That is that divorce is not good for anyone mostly small kids. <P>She went balistic on number 3. Saying well maybe she would tell the kids about how bad a guy I was. I said this has nothing to do with how bad or good either one of us was. But it does have to do with who wants to end the marriage and right now that is not me.<P>She went on and on for awhile until I said something about her affair with her friend. How it was so ironic that he was getting divorced and she was also. Even though they are the only two in our area that this is happening too. I said maybe their plan is to get together after this is all done.<P>Probably not good stuff. But hey we all get tired of getting lied too. So the ball is in her court. Not sure if there is anything I can do. Are there any suggestions out there.<P>

.<p>[This message has been edited by BamaAngst (edited August 24, 2000).]

Bama,<P>Interesting- In Illinois from what my lawyer tells me the first to file does not usually affect the child custody issues. <P>My wife as you can imagine with everything happening is wanting to try and be very civil to work this out. She tells me she does not want things to get messey. <P>Either way I can be prepared. My hope is for this to work. But things look very bleak at the moment. You are looking at 18 months of this stuff.

Zip...<P>Patience my man...<P>$15,000 in lawyer's fees for me<BR>$10,000 in lawyer's fees for my W<BR>...and out trial hasn't happened yet...<BR>...(will on Oct. 10th)<P>When we first started discussing separation/divorce...<BR>...it was "<B>the kids come first</B>"...<P>...and now that she has basically abandoned them...<BR>...it is "<B>I will only discuss through my attorney</B>"... so out the window goes the money to pay of the kids college...<BR>...and the oldest starts this November!<P>Hang tough...<BR>...your ideas are right on...<BR>...and I know what you mean by how hard it is getting to keep that loving feeling.<BR>...but try no to bring up the OM...<P>You sound like you really know what your doing...<BR>...and where your life will lead you... <BR>Her's is a life of confuseion.<P>Love those kids!!!<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>I have watched your story over the last year. You are a man of great patience and I wish you nothing but the best. I guess we can only take from life what it gives us.<P>This too shall pass is what they say. Thanks for the kind words. Any other thoughts would be great. Because I am losing my patience and am about ready to throw in the towel.

zip --<P>Just a quick note. I so admire the way you dug in, without seemingly losing your edge, and told your W that she would have to be the one to tell your kids. It must have totally burst her bubble.<P>You know that we've followed each other's stories for nearly a year now. Actually, it will be a year next month. Time isn't flying, so I know I'm not having much fun.<P>I'm nearing a time much like yours. I may take the same track, and throw the weight of the decision back to my W.<P>In the meantime, hang tough. By forcing her to be the one to make the first step you will know that you've done everything you can do, and only then, if divorce is a must, you'll know YOU didn't quit.<P>I admire your strength and sensibilities. I'll be following up to see what happens.<P>Chin Up!<P>--keystone

Keystone,<P>Yes we are very much in the same place and a place niether one of us would like to be in. You know the amazing thing is I have no idea what my wife wants anymore. She has just about everything she could possible want. <P>Who knows maybe like a child they have to get tired of the toy and only when someone else has it will they go for it again.<P>Hang in there. I think we both need to force some kind of decision. I know in the business world I would have never put us this this S$##$. So it makes we think why am I putting up with it now.<P>Zip

Exactly!<P>The one thing I've done is stopped waiting, pining for answers. I'm done with that.<P>I've decided to live my life. If she wants to get onboard, she better act quick. I'm no longer waiting, asking, pleading. <P>What she doesn't realize is that when I decide to move ahead, I will do so without her. I refuse to look backwards, only ahead.<P>--keystone