I recently read "Surviving an Affair". I would be interested to know if your advice would be different in circumstances where no children are involved?

Not much different.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

This is an interesting question which I have asked myself many times since H and I do not have children. I want children and he doesn't and I don't mean right now--I mean ever. So, I have really had to consider this. Do I divorce H who had an A and search for a man who wants children or do I try and repair my current marriage and accept never having children? It is a very tough call because I want both so very badly. I have decided to stick out my marriage for as long as my H wants to. There is no guarantee that I could have children even if I married someone who wanted them and I don't relish the idea of marrying for children.<P>So, in my case the fact that we don't have children and have varying views was a major factor in wondering whether or not to save the marriage. For you, do you want to save your marriage. If the answer to that question is yes, than SAA and all the other books on helping your marriage should be great.<P>Good luck to you.

I also read that book about 7 months ago and about many more after that.<P>I believe with or without kids make no differance in the choice to devorce or not. Having kids only makes it harder to make that choice.<BR> <BR>ps I have 3 kids yet I chose to stay for me. But I must admit at times my stength has come from them.<P>good luck take care

Hello Saf,<P>Welcome to MB.<P>I believe the advice in SAA is the same regardless if you have children or not. As I'm sure you know, children can be the glue for a marriage at times. But not having any would not play a part in trying to recover or rebuild, per say.<P>I feel having children may help the WS decide to end the A where they wouldn't have otherwise, but most the time, children or not, the WS continues it without conscience.<P>My H and I do not have children, he is in his second A in 10 years. Sometimes I anguish that if we had had children this may not have happened, but my therapist tells me otherwise and in my heart I think she's right. If we had had them, they'd be suffering this Rollercoaster ride along with me, as many here can testify.<P>Follow the MB principals SAF, regardless if you two are childless or not, they apply to all married couples.<P>Be well and good luck!<P>Jo

H and I tried to have children for some time and were unsuccessful. I think this was the beginning of the end for us. I feel as though this was a sign for us from G-d, that we are not meant to be together.<P>Where children are not involved, is there not a stronger case for moving on and trying to find happiness elsewhere?

saf:<P>A stronger case since you have no kids. I don't have children with my husband, but we choose to rebuild our marriage. We have children from previous marriage. What has a doctor said about having kids?<P>Have you really spent any time with this person as you do your husband? My husband like you felt that the ow was his soulmate and love was so very strong. But we are trying to rebuild since a hugh backslide recently. He says he woke up.<P>As far as happiness goes, you creat your own happiness, someone can't give you that. Even if your husband won't go to counseling then go by yourself. Also is there someone you can turn to, other then your friend. I<BR>am meaning the same sex. <P>I wish you the best of luck, no matter how you decide. It is great you are coming here, because we will be here to support you.<P>Best wishes,<P>Judy

Dear Judy<P>I have been going through this ordeal for nearly 7 months but have only just discovered this forum. And for the first time I feel like I have some true support. I appreciate the advice (good or bad) and the endless support and encoiragement from all of you. I has made a big difference to me. I have learned a lot about myself. So thank you. All of you. Fortunately (or unfortunately) not having children makes it easier for me to make this decision since I have only myself and H to consider. But given the fact that we already have these problems (after only 4 years of marriage) and given the way I feel about him, I am afraid to have children with him because I don't want to end up back in this same situation 10 years down the line, but with a family to consider too!

saf,<P>My girlfriend said exactly the same thing as you did. "I have never met anyone who knew me like he did and vise versa" She told me that she has never loved someone like she the OM. My question to my girlfriend was what does LOVE mean to you and she could not tell me other than the this feeling she had at that time. After couple of months she tells me the feeling she had for the OM was actually "infatuation" and sometimes it is hard to distinguish between LOVE and infatuation. Ask yourself this, how do you know if you love someone in 7 months. Give me a break!!! Has the OM ever seen you when you were sick, in a bad mood, or at your worst. Or have you ever seen the OM at his worst. Trust me it looks great on the surface but true love require good, bad, ugly and most of all, time. It is easy to be the perfect person when both of you are not committed. I have been on both sides of the fence. When I cheated on my exwife with OW for about 10 months, I thought I found the perfect soulmate and so did she. In my eyes she was perfect, everthing she did was perfect, every touch she made my heart skip a beat, every word she said was like angels singing. Every sexual encounters was so magical that I never wanted to stop. There was not even one second in a day whenI did not even think about her. I could not go through a day without seeing the OW. She was my soulmate, so I thought. Of course I had to make a decision as to leave my W at that time or go on my way with OW. I made the worst decision of my life, I went with OW. After about 3 months into the relationship of seeing each other everyday brought on the true picture of what OW was all about. Unless you spend every waking hours with the other person there is no commitment. Anyhow, OW was nothing like how I knew her. I saw her in a totally different way. I am not telling you to make any decision based on what I am saying but what I am saying is nothing different than all other WS's experiences. <P>Now I am dealing with my girlfriend having EA/PA with the OM. And trust me it is thousand times harder to deal with this when you are at the receiving end of the affair. Now I finally realize the pain my exwife went through and I would never do this to anyone. The experience taught me to understand the tremendous turmoil the BS is going through. I can't even describe how I am feeling now other than totally betrayed and helpless. So please read the post wisely and learn from others who went through this otherwise all this would be waste of my time. If I can save one marriage or relationship, all this is worth it. <P>Take care and GOD bless...