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#883224 08/23/00 02:12 PM
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So here's the scoop. I've been married to a good man for 4 years (no children). He loves me dearly and provides me with whatever I material things I want. He is well respected and through him, we have a large circle of friends with whom we socialize on a regular basis. <P>But what he doesn't give me is the affection, admiration and companionship that I long for and I realize that I am no longer in love with him. <P>So now I've met a man who does give me all those things but is not as financially stable as H. So what will make me happier. Life with all the luxuries but no love or love with out the luxuries?<P>

#883225 08/23/00 02:53 PM
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I can't say what will make you happier. I don't even think you can know that for sure unless you take a step back, leave this OM and give your marriage a real shot. How do you know your H can't provide you with what you need? I think you need to give him a chance. I think you should tell him exactly how you feel and what has happened. This kind of thing has a way of shocking people into reformation!<P>Whatever the outcome with your H, I don't think you can honestly find happiness with any other man until this is resolved. When you run to someone looking for what you don't have, you usually don't end up finding anything real and lasting. Everybody is a good companion when we're having fun. Where the "real and lasting" part comes in is when the relationship is tested. Where will either of these men be when you do not deserve their love? when you are at the lowest point in your life? when you haven't given them any reason to love you? Your H made a commitment to be there for you during those times. I think you owe it to him to prove he can be all he pledged on your wedding day before you think of ditching him for someone else.<P>And not to sound harsh or judgmental, but you should also ask yourself how you might have contributed to your marital condition. Have you *really* taken responsibility for asking for what you want in a way that he can understand? Have you projected that other things are more important than affection and companionship? We all play a part in our own dramas whether we realize it or not.<P>I wish you both luck and hope you can find a way to resolve this and still maintain your love in marriage.

#883226 08/23/00 04:50 PM
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Wow that sound like a easy question<BR>LOVE <BR>I do realize how it could be a confusing question though <BR>That is just my thoughts and I'm not perfect <BR>good luck on finding out that question for you.<P>luxury can/might temporarily fill the void of not having love but it can never replace it. <P>But remember that most people can/HAVE been blinded about what love is when envolved with another other then their spouse!! And I have read about how this blindness can last for a very long time even after there has been an agreement of no contact with the OM/OW.

#883227 08/23/00 06:09 PM
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Maybe it's just me, but you make it sound so easy to walk out on 4 years of marriage to a good man who loves you dearly and gives you all the material things you want. <P>These traits are not available just everywhere. Have you TOLD him that you need more affection, etc.? Maybe he just needs training. At least give him a chance to decide whether he's willing to try.<P>Popeye is right, though. You can't give your husband an honest chance if you're involved with someone else. <P>Honestly, though, your story sounds as close to my own as any I've seen on this forum, except I've been married 25 years, our kids are grown, and I begged/pleaded/cried for my husband to spend time with me. My needs were "stupid," and not worth bothering with. <P>If I had known then what I know now, I would have left when he refused to meet my needs, and returned when he came to his senses. I really think he would have come around. But I wasn't sure back then, and I didn't (don't) believe in divorce. <P>I don't want to hijack your thread with my troubles, just encourage you to think through what you're doing. It IS possible to restore those loving feelings for your husband -- I did it dozens of times before I got tired of trying. <P>

#883228 08/23/00 07:52 PM
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Dear smidgen:<P>It's good to know that there are people out there who have been through the same ordeal. It is unclear to me if you ever did divorce your husband or not. <P>My biggest issue though is how much I love OM. I don't think I could ever feel about H the way I do about OM - I don't think I ever did. I know that if I truly want to work it out with H I will need to break it off with OM. But the thought of being without him is too dreadful for me even to contemplate. <BR>He is truly my soulmate and I believe I will never love another the way I love him.<P>So, if you did stay with your husband, how did you find the strength to leave OM and stay away?<P>

#883229 08/23/00 07:55 PM
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Saf<P>I am not scorching you...please read on...<P>You loved your H enough to consent to stay with him for better or worse. Now you have created the worse. Even if it is not a PA, your EA has effected your marriage contract. I won't get technical. <P>But ask yourself, did he ever fulfill those needs for you? If so, when did it start to change? Was it a promotion tht took him away from home more? Or did you have interests he showed no interest in? Did you not share your enthusiasm with him to get him interested? There are endless possibilities. Really think. How did you contribute? <P>What you need to focus on, is your love for your H, or did love him. If he can meet all the need the OM does, you may be in love and satisfied again. But he needs to know what he is lacking in order to change. Be honest with him, go to counseling, read the book, "His Needs, Her Needs." It can show you how to get back to the roots of your relationship. Don't count him out before you give him a chance to catch up. You could be throwing away a real treasure. If it has gotten to a PA, then read "Surviving an Affair." Both by Dr. Harly.<P>The reason I say this is my H is having an A. He never shared with me when his feelings started to change. Even though i tried to get him to talk to me, our confiding ceased. Years ago. <P>I got bitter and started to brow beat him, any thing to get a reaction: anger, crying, being mother, lover, whatever...nothing I did worked. But what it did do was make the situation much worse until his self esteem was as low as mine. That is when the affair found him. Yes it was an unintended beginning between two people that shared common interests and shared similar probs with their spouses, even though she is going through divorce. They both got addicted pretty fast. It is hard to let the OP go, mine has not yet. I only found out 3 wks ago. But it is always better to try and give courtesy to your S and try to help him understand what you need. Discuss feelings. Maybe he has some needs too he wants to express to you. Find out! It is not too late. I think you are wise to question this, good luck!

#883230 08/24/00 07:30 AM
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hi,<P>To answer your first question, I am still married, though it's pretty shaky right now.<P>As for the other, I never let things proceed to the point where I felt like another man was my "soulmate." I had children to consider, and I wouldn't let myself damage them by getting that involved with somebody else.<P>On the other hand, the kids are grown now and I don't have them as my support structure anymore. I don't have anybody I can confide in on these issues. And I work in a male-dominated field. Temptation is a lot harder to resist these days, and I haven't been altogether successful at resisting. That's why I've been spending so much time at this forum, mostly lurking. By seeing so much of the pain these things cause, I'm hoping to keep myself from doing something rash.<P>Something to think about: You don't know how you will find the strength to separate from OM, but you don't express the same doubts about leaving your husband. I wonder whether you have really considered what you'll be giving up. Not just the material things, but the things he does because he loves you dearly. You're probably taking a lot for granted that you'd miss terribly if you had to give it up. <P>If your husband is the good man you say he is, it seems to me you owe him a chance to win you back.

#883231 08/24/00 07:59 AM
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Give your husband a chance to meet your needs. He may not know how or you might not know how to tell him what you need. I know my H and I needed some help in doing this. We knew there were some problems in meeting Ens although we didn't have the terminology at that time. We didn't have the knowledge or skills to fix things on our own. We found Dr. Harley's books and started counseling with Steve Harley. These two things provided us with a process and structure to follow. Wow, what a difference this has made.

#883232 08/24/00 02:08 PM
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Dear burnedspouse<P>I am sorry to hear about your troubles but in a strange way it seems that my situation is very similar to yours. I admit that I have contributed to the decay in my marriage. Somewhere along the line I stopped pleading and begging for him to show an interest in me and the things I do. I just started living my life on my own - and thats how the affair began. <P>H and I have both completed the EN questionnaire. Two things struck me. (1) Three of our five most important EN were the same and (2) H seems somewhat satisfied with the way I meet most of his EN while I am mostly dissatisfied with the way he meets mine. <P>He became angry at this and has refused to go to counseling. So for now we are in limbo. He wants to stay in the marriage (even though he knows about the A) but is unwilling to fix (or try to fix) the problems......so I still get my ENs met by the OM!

#883233 08/25/00 08:55 AM
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saf<P>Your post seem so familiar to the things the OW used to say to me. I do see now that she was more involved than I was. She told me on several occasions that she did not love her H anymore. She was always telling me how he was not giving her what she needed. She wanted affection, attention, respect, and admiration. <P>I had been friends with her for fourteen years and knew her well. When things started to go wrong in their marriage she turned to me to help her understand what the problem was. By being there to listen, to try and help, and to offer a shoulder when she needed one, a bond formed between us. I did not see it coming. She often talked to me about how easy I was to talk to and how understanding I was. The fact that she trusted me to tell me these things made me feel good about her in return.<P>The end result was, we had an affair. I never considered leaving my wife for her, but she thought that one day I would. I remember one thing that I did tell her. I said to be honest with her H and tell him how she felt. The problem was, as long as she had feelings for me, the feelings for her H deminished. If true love is ment to be, it will find a way to be. Tell the other man that you want some time away from him to give your H a chance. Do not call the OM or have any contact at all with him. This is not something that you can do for a week or two. It is going to take time. If true love was ment to be, you will find it in your H, otherwise the OM will be there waiting when you have found your way. Be fair to your H. Give him a chance. Be fair to the OM also, let him have someone that willnot cheat on their H.<P>Good Luck to you.....fs


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